Partner in denial re dog

[Houndnothorse]

Hi

I’d like to start by saying I’m not a dog person & by that I mean I like dogs but I’ve never wanted one & now I live with one I don’t see the appeal (sorry)! I do however appreciate that for many people they’re the best thing, family, best friends etc.

I moved in with my partner at the end of March and he has a Lab who’s now 12.5 years old. The dog has been fairly fecally incontinant for a year or so and it’s got worse to the point of 50% of the time he’s going to the toilet in the house & recently it’s become number 1s too. Although we’ve put measures in place to limit where he can roam it’s still awful & quite disgusting- it’s a huge strain on our relationship and the house often stinks. It also require daily hoovering, mopping etc and as my partner is still commuting for work this falls to me.
the dog can barely walk due to bad hind legs, has cushings, mild liver failure, isn’t eating much, is losing fur & has frequent UTI’s. My partner has him on about 4 different medications for pain etc. He does nothing except sleep all day but will still go for 2 short walks.
we’re supposed to be buying a house together, but have had to put this on hold because of the style of house we want wouldn’t work in this situation. My life is literally on hold because of a dog.
I think he needs to start thinking about letting him go but he’s in complete denial. We recently went away, minus dog & it was so lovely to wake up and walk around without worrying about stepping in anything, plus the apartment smelt lovely and fresh all the time. During this break he said he knew he needed to face up to the situation & how he acknowledged that this can’t continue, especially through the winter, but now we’re home he’s back to trying to find ways to prolong things. He’s seriously considering treating the cushings with long term drugs, asking the vet for continuous antibiotics to treat the UTI’s. And he’s ordered a kennel for the garden so in the winter he can be outside for some of the day! This dog hates being outside for longer than 15 minutes & will whine v loudly to be let in even on a lovely day. He’s also talking about next spring when we have another break booked, booking a dog sitter.
Im at the end of my rope. I can’t live like this indefinitely. As I said at the start I’m not a dog person and so have no experience but is this normal? Is this how it goes with everyone? You just put up with this for years??

I don’t know what to do!

 

[JGC]

Your post brought this poem to mind:

The Last Battle
If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this — the last battle — can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close — we two — these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
— Unknown

Better a day too early than a minute too late.

 

[AmyMay]

Time for a literal ‘it’s me or the dog’ conversation.

You could also offer to take the dog to be pts yourself to spare your partner the anguish.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

Have you ever been to the vet appointment with your partner? I know it is difficult atm but a good question to ask the vet is 'what would you do if this were your dog?'.

I have had Labs (and other dogs) all my life, some do live longer than 12, others don't. It's not a bad age for a Lab and it certainly sounds as if this poor creature needs someone to do the last kindness for him.
I think all you can do is remind OH about the discussion that you had when you were away. Sadly some people just won't take their responsibility seriously.

 

[{97702}]

Sorry to be harsh but there is no way I’d be in a relationship with someone who treated an animal like that, that poor dog....

He needs to face up to his responsibilities as an owner and make the right decision for the dog rather than thinking of himself. The poor dog must have very limited quality of life, it just isn’t fair ?

 

[Squeak]

From what you're saying it doesn't sound like the dog has a great quality of life anymore. It might be worth going to the vets next time as Pearlsasinger suggested and see what they're saying.

Some vets are good about helping owners find the right time and others encourage the owners to keep the dog going long past when they should. It may be that the vet could be exacerbating the issue here?

 

[paddi22]

I was in a similar situation with my husband. the dog we got together was the first dog he ever had and he absolutely adored it. it got diabetes and other issues and it's quality of life was bad, but he just couldn't see it. I ended up ringing and chatting to the vet about my worries on the sly. I really pushed the case that prolonging this dogs life wasn't a positive thing and it's quality of life was bad, and that my husband wasn't seeing it. I agree with Squeak, some vets will try and keep the animal going as long as possible as it's what they think the owners want. I really stressed that I was calling to try and get my husband mentally in a place where he could understand the animal had a bad quality of life and the fairest thing was to PTS.

Then we took the dog in because I pretended the vet had asked for a checkup. the vet was amazing and very gently pointed out all the issues the dog had and how it's quality of life was affected. she didn't say to PTS directly but kept repeating how the dog was struggling and would be uncomfortable. that kind of helped him mentally make the decision to PTS, I think he felt too guilty to make the decision himself in his head. But it does depend on the vet I suppose, and how good they are at communicating and empathy.

 

[CorvusCorax]

To be honest he's lucky it hasn't been referred as a welfare issue. What you've written reads horrifically to me.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, but how do you think this bodes for other major decisions you're going to have to take as a couple? What about when/if kids come along?

I had a dog for about 14 years, I literally grew up with her, she accompanied my Mum through divorce, further relationships and break ups, bereavements etc. She'd broken a leg in puppyhood and we had it pinned, which was pioneering in those days.
But the first day she struggled to get to her feet was the day we called the vet. We owed it to her not to have her struggle after what she'd given us.

 

[Bellasophia]

Sorry,I disagree with Amy that the decision to p.t.s. (Euthanise) should be put in the hands of the partner who doesn’t own or even like the dog.
The facts are pretty obvious..
..
...the dog is on his last legs and on borrowed time.
...sooner ,rather than later,your man HAS to make the decision to let his lifetime friend go..and trust me this will be months(or for the dog,better weeks)not years,so hang in there O.P.
...you ,however,have years ahead with your partner.This old dog has just you so try to go to the end .Trust me,your boyfriend will soon see his dog NEEDS to go to the vet and have a dignified closure.
In the meantime,set up a doable environment for the old dog...get a dog gate on the kitchen,a comfy bed with washable covers...but don’t banish a house dog to a kennel outdoors with winter coming.
I do know what you are going through OP...try not to nag your man,let him clean up the messes sometimes so he realizes what is happening and hopefully you can take the old boy to a peaceful end to the vets together.
Paddi 22 s post to get the vet involved to help your partner have clarity is a really good idea.
Tackled with sensitivity,this can unite you,but if you argue over this it will divide you both.

 

[Equi]

Your partner clearly has a large attachment to the dog and it can be very emotionally hard to face the facts some times. This needs compassion for both him and the dog. It’s not the dogs fault he is now old but partner needs a reality check. I would stay by saying to your partner you think he has declined again and it’s maybe time to speak to the vet together and when you go in ask the vet how much longer you think it is ethical to let this go on, and maybe even call before hand to say your partner is struggling to Face the facts but that it’s now a welfare issue in your eyes. Don’t berate your partner about it or he may feel you have forced him to kill his dog which may cause more problems - but hopefully hearing from a vet can be the messenger who gets shot rather than you . It sounds unlikely the poor boy will last over winter to be fair.

 

[WandaMare]

Some people can't face up to the final decision and if that is the case its about finding them the right help. Your OH probably knows the time has come despite looking for further treatments, and just can't bring himself to make the call.

So how best to help him....agree with PaS that going with him to the vet would really help, then you would be there for him if the vet manages to persuade him its the best thing to do. I would pick a relaxed time at home to talk to him about it, not when he's busy or stressed and talk him through the different scenarios....you take the dog, you both take the dog, you get a friend to take the dog...etc. Hopefully you will hit on one option that he can consider, then do it really quickly before he changes his mind.

You could ring his vet for advice, they must face this all the time. If they are really good, they might even agree to pop round and talk to him. I have taken cats to the vet for my customers to be pts when they haven't been able to face it, I don't judge them, they're probably better at other things than me, we're not all made of the same stuff.

 

[wren123]

My lab is 12 so I kind of get where he's coming from but I'm shocked he's ordered the kennel. I can understand him trying to medicate the issues to improve the dogs quality of life but it would be cruel to leave the dog outside.
Id go with your partner to the vet and say you're worried that the dog is suffering, also discuss with your partner that you're worried the dog isn't happy, don't focus on the wee and poo, more on the dogs discomfort.
Edited to add what Wandamare said about picking the right time to discuss is spot on.

 

[gallopingby]

Sorry that you’re struggling and the dog is too. However much you are concerned about the dog you need to have A dog or me conversation very soon. Old dogs can be managed, yes it’s sometimes smelly and messy but l wonder what the long term future holds for you both. In my view people tend to be either dog people or cat people. If you really don’t like dogs what’s going to happen in the future when you’re partner wants another or when you want kids? You really need to think about the bigger picture.
aside l agree the vet would probably be best placed to help.

 

[paddi22]

Id go with your partner to the vet and say you're worried that the dog is suffering, also discuss with your partner that you're worried the dog isn't happy, don't focus on the wee and poo, more on the dogs discomfort.

this is an excellent point. I made that mistake a lot. I would point out stuff like the poo and wee, and my partner would just see that as an issue he can solve (more pads, cleaning more, sprays). I should have been pointing out how sad or sore the dog looked

 

[Houndnothorse]

Time for a literal ‘it’s me or the dog’ conversation.

You could also offer to take the dog to be pts yourself to spare your partner the anguish.

Um not sure I’d win that one! He loves me, I have no doubt but he wouldn’t react well to that x

 

[ester]

The bit I can't get over is that he wants to move his old sick labrador to and outdoor kennel in winter . . . .It makes me wonder how much he does actually like the dog.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Hi

thanks for your reply. I haven’t been to the vet with him & right now I don’t think it would be possible due to Covid.
However, in August the dog had a seizure. He took him to the river at about 8pm, it had been a really hot day & it was still warm. The vet thinks it was the shock of going from warm air to cold water. Anyway, at that point he thought that was it & asked the vet what they thought and was told ‘it’s your decision’! He went with medication.
he’s spending a fortune every month via the vet so I wonder if they’re just happy to keep taking his money ?‍

 

[PapaverFollis]

If you went away for a week on your own so he had to look after the dog on his own do you think he would be forced to see the issues? Perhaps.

I would start a conversation something along the lines of "I'm really worried about Fido now, he just looks really sad and tired to me..." and see what he says. If he goes into problem solving mode just keep refocusing on seeing it from Fido's point of view. I think that's hard to do when you aren't a dog person yourself though.

I don't think it would be good for your relationship if he feels you are pressing him to put the dog down but clearly he needs to have a bit of a reality check.

The kennel thing is really sad. ? "I'm not comfortable with putting him outside in a kennel, I think he'll be lonely and sad out there. " will make him think about it from the dog's perspective again.

My dogs find it really distressing on the (very rare) occasions they've had an accident in the house as adult dogs. It's always been UTI related so there's a physical discomfort there too but their little sad faces. And I've never told them off for peeing inside they just don't like to do it once they're house trained, it upsets them.

I also think involving the vet in the conversation could be a good idea but some vets are utterly dreadful at pushing a life at all costs approach if owners are open to it. So it might backfire. But I think most vets are pretty good.

 

[Houndnothorse]

The bit I can't get over is that he wants to move his old sick labrador to and outdoor kennel in winter . . . .It makes me wonder how much he does actually like the dog.

Sorry I think I haven’t explained this well. He’s not planning for the dog to live outside! Currently during the day the dog goes out in the garden for periods of time to lessen the chance of him going in the house. We can’t manage this by simply keeping the door open or just putting him out for 5 minutes. If the door is open he will still go in the house & if he goes out for a little while, he’ll come in and go in the house.
currently he goes out for a walk first thing
Then has an hour in the garden
After lunch he has another walk
Then an hour in the garden
Then around 5pm he goes out in garden, and again after his dinner. And this works if the weather is ok. However when it’s freezing this is going to be a huge problem & so either I have to clean up poo/wee several times a day (while working a busy full time job) or we try and continue this regime and the kennel helps! ( personally I don’t think it will but I don’t get a say).

 

[ihatework]

You are going to have to handle this very tactfully to keep your relationship in tact. He obviously has a huge emotional attachment to this dog that makes him blind to reality.

Keep the wee and poo out of it.

Your strength in the argument here is welfare and you have to keep that in the forefront of your mind and his.

This dog will die soon. It’s fact. He can choose to keep the dog in those last weeks/months (god forbid years) in constant pain and dying slowly just to make himself feel better, or he can step up and take charge and really do what is best for the dog.

Don’t under estimate how hard this is going to be for many people. He will feel like he is killing his soul.

Help him plan how he would like the dogs final days to be and then put it in motion.

 

[honetpot]

I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie.
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.

 

[paddi22]

j

I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie. e
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.

just playing devils advocate on this, as logically it does sound like the fairest solution to the dog, but it could be important for your partner to say goodbye and be with the dog when it goes. my husband totally surprised me (he's quite a reserved internal person) when he literally gave a ten minute speech directly to the dog as the dog was being injected. it was like something from an American kids film, he gave this gorgeous speech to the dog about how it had been his best friend and all the times they had together. it was so unlike him but he obviously wanted to say goodbye to the dog, and I'm glad he had that time to do it.

 

[cobgoblin]

If you've ever told your partner that you don't like dogs then you've probably negated your own influence. The vet is your best option, although any vet worthy of that title should already have discussed the situation with your partner. It sounds as though he loves the dog very much but just can't make the final decision... It's a very difficult thing for many people.
I wouldn't do the dog or me conversation unless you are prepared for him to chose the dog or blame you forever, far better to let the vet do their job.
I certainly would not tell him lies and take the dog to be pts.. That's not a good basis for any relationship and truth usually comes out.

If he's a dog lover he will want another, perhaps you ought to consider that.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Sorry that you’re struggling and the dog is too. However much you are concerned about the dog you need to have A dog or me conversation very soon. Old dogs can be managed, yes it’s sometimes smelly and messy but l wonder what the long term future holds for you both. In my view people tend to be either dog people or cat people. If you really don’t like dogs what’s going to happen in the future when you’re partner wants another or when you want kids? You really need to think about the bigger picture.
aside l agree the vet would probably be best placed to help.

You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.

 

[Equi]

j

just playing devils advocate on this, as logically it does sound like the fairest solution to the dog, but it could be important for your partner to say goodbye and be with the dog when it goes. my husband totally surprised me (he's quite a reserved internal person) when he literally gave a ten minute speech directly to the dog as the dog was being injected. it was like something from an American kids film, he gave this gorgeous speech to the dog about how it had been his best friend and all the times they had together. it was so unlike him but he obviously wanted to say goodbye to the dog, and I'm glad he had that time to do it.

Ooh I think I have something in my eye....

 

[NinjaPony]

It sounds like he is in total denial and is incredibly attached to the dog. I would suggest sitting down and having an honest conversation about your concerns for the dog's quality of life. Express understanding about how difficult it is for him, and how he must be feeling about it. Don't frame it as 'I'm fed up of the dog and the inconvenience', but rather 'how can I support you to do the right thing'. I think having a phone call with the vet with him would be a good idea. Vet needs to step up and tell him that enough is enough. I would also suggest putting him in touch with a free helpline, like the blue cross one, to talk through his grief.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Ps we won’t be having kids! We’re both mod 40s. I have grown up children and he doesn’t have any (except the dog)..

 

[paddi22]

You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.

that's a tough one. he can genuinely want to find solutions, but at the end of the day a dog person is always a dog person and he came installed with this love for dogs long before he met you, so it's a base trait in his personality. .I know if my partner was to logically convince me we didn't need a dog I could probably go along with it but I would be absolutely miserable not having a dog in the house. I would look at every person walking a dog and feel jealous, I would see dogs on tv on their owners laps and be sad.

Dogs aren't a utility you try and fit into your home with the least fuss. they are family members, they make a mess and disrupt your life in good and bad ways. there is no way of owning a dog without this happening and I don't think you are being realistic or honest about things with each other. this kind of things can blow into a HUGE issue down the line.

 

[ester]

Sorry I think I haven’t explained this well. He’s not planning for the dog to live outside! Currently during the day the dog goes out in the garden for periods of time to lessen the chance of him going in the house. We can’t manage this by simply keeping the door open or just putting him out for 5 minutes. If the door is open he will still go in the house & if he goes out for a little while, he’ll come in and go in the house.
currently he goes out for a walk first thing
Then has an hour in the garden
After lunch he has another walk
Then an hour in the garden
Then around 5pm he goes out in garden, and again after his dinner. And this works if the weather is ok. However when it’s freezing this is going to be a huge problem & so either I have to clean up poo/wee several times a day (while working a busy full time job) or we try and continue this regime and the kennel helps! ( personally I don’t think it will but I don’t get a say).

Yes I knew you meant in the daytime, it still doesn't seem appropriate to me.

 

[Houndnothorse]

I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie.
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.

OMG I would never do this. Apart from anything it would be the end of our relationship, but that aside, it’s his dog/best friend and the decision is his. I feel he’s in denial about that decision but I would never take it out of his hands.