Partner in denial re dog

I’ve had to have this conversation with my parents who were desperate not to have to make the hardest decision with their Lab bitch.

Was this how they wanted to remember her? In pain, struggling, with the misery of soiling her bed and no joy in going for a walk? Or did they want to remember their loved and loving companion of so many years, the wonderful girl she had been before her illness and the happiness she had given them for so long?

(They had her PTS. I sat alone at home and sobbed at the appointed time, both for a wonderful dog and for my parents’ loss.)
 
Bellasophia said:
Hi again..no judgement here..we all like a sweet smelling home..
It can be done,but with a sick dog,who may be incontinent...or an old dog who may be both incontinent and pooping Willy nilly ,the task is harder to achieve...

this is going to be short term..Please,let this one go to the end..
in the final run..get the dog gate..lots of detergent for the floor washes..keep positive. put easily washed covers on the furniture.. you get the drift.
get that vet visit booked..try to get your partner to see the dog is on his last run,but you are at his side for this..you do this together..
This is as much about your future with your partner as it is for this dog,s last weeks or months. Good luck.
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I don’t feel judged and actually I’m happy for people to challenge my views as perhaps I’m wrong and just being unfair.
I am willing to accept in our current situation that our home isn’t a fragrant as I’d like it to be because it’s a means to an end, but I’d like this to be short term. It’s been a year and 7 months since I lived here and I think perhaps until the end of the year might be acceptable but not beyond. Honestly we are keeping Flash floor cleaner and zoflora in business just now!
this morning I was particularly upset because it was just pools of diarrhoea everywhere in dinning room, (luckily partner is off today)! However you’re right I need to approach this carefully. He had a vets apt next weekend and I’m going to go along, if I can. Either way I am going to say to him that he should ask the vet what they would do in this situation, I would they put him through a biopsy and then chemo at his age and continue to allow him to merely exist.
 
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Poor, poor dog. Trust me, he knows you hate him. You can’t help that and you can even pretend to him that you don’t wish he was dead but dogs know.
Forget the kennel, the dog has no idea what’s going on with his bowels and bladder. If he coincidentally shits in the garden if you leave him out there long enough that is no victory, nor is it humane. He needs to be restricted to an easy to clean area of the house where he can be warm and comfortable.
Yes I think he should be pts but tbh I think perhaps you should move out until he dies. It must be hell on earth for all three of you.
 
Aru said:
In the short term treating the cushings disease would probably solve the urinary incontince issues and make your life easier. At the moment that poor animal is essentially being pumped full of steriods from a pituitary tumour making him drink and urinate excessively.He likely feels hungry all the time and has recurrent Utis and skin issues..But that's a separate issue.

You need to get your boyfriend to go have a quality of life discussion with the vets. Existing isn't the same as living.

If there's nothing to look forward to going forward for the dog then what has the poor animal to look forward to only more days of existing and a downward spiral in quality of life.
He's putting off the visit because he doenst want to say goodbye to his best mate...But in the mean time the dogs suffering from his inaction. Putting him outside coming into wintertime is not a solution. Time to suggest he step up and take some action one way or the other. But what's happening now is not ok.

This is the responsibility involved with owning dogs. He needs to start thinking about what's the right thing for the dog.

Very few dogs die in their sleep. We are biological machines and are not designed to turn off so easily. It takes a lot of deterioration to get to that point unless there is a heart issue.

Euthanasia in the arms of someone you love is not a bad way to go.

In his heart of hearts your partner already knows he's on borrowed time with his dog that's why hes hesitating. It's a horrible choice to have to make.
Could you bring it up and see if he needs to or is able to spend some time with the dog before letting him go?
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He’s been told the dog would need a biopsy to determine the type of cushings and then both treatments are chemo drugs. Sickness a side effect. Personally I think this is too evasive for an elderly dog but anything I say is viewed as negative because I just want this to be over!
 
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Houndnothorse said:
I don’t feel judged and actually I’m happy for people to challenge my views as perhaps I’m wrong and just being unfair.
I am willing to accept in our current situation that our home isn’t a fragrant as I’d like it to be because it’s a means to an end, but I’d like this to be short term. It’s been a year and 7 months since I lived here and I think perhaps until the end of the year might be acceptable but not beyond. Honestly we are keeping Flash floor cleaner and zoflora in business just now!
this morning I was particularly upset because it was just pools of diarrhoea everywhere in dinning room, (luckily partner is off today)! However you’re right I need to approach this carefully. He had a vets apt next weekend and I’m going to go along, if I can. Either way I am going to say to him that he should ask the vet what they would do in this situation, I would they put him through a biopsy and then chemo at his age and continue to allow him to merely exist.
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I would ring the vet before hand and prime him or her with the back story. Tell them exactly the life the dog has at home and the impact its having on your lives. That way they can support you during the consultation and help steer him towards the right outcome. Our vets are brilliant like that, I told my horse vet a few weeks ago that I was struggling to make the decision with my old horse and she has guided me through everything and when the day came earlier this week, she couldn't have been more supportive and helpful.
 
Clodagh said:
Poor, poor dog. Trust me, he knows you hate him. You can’t help that and you can even pretend to him that you don’t wish he was dead but dogs know.
Forget the kennel, the dog has no idea what’s going on with his bowels and bladder. If he coincidentally shits in the garden if you leave him out there long enough that is no victory, nor is it humane. He needs to be restricted to an easy to clean area of the house where he can be warm and comfortable.
Yes I think he should be pts but tbh I think perhaps you should move out until he dies. It must be hell on earth for all three of you.
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Yes I’ve considered moving out. Not as simple as it sounds though. I sold my house and so I’d have to rent, remove mo furniture etc. All will I. Semi lockdown. Plus I think if I move out it’s the end of us.
 
Houndnothorse said:
Yes I’ve considered moving out. Not as simple as it sounds though. I sold my house and so I’d have to rent, remove mo furniture etc. All will I. Semi lockdown. Plus I think if I move out it’s the end of us.
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I really do feel for you. Rock and a hard place! I love dogs but I couldn’t be dealing with what you are.
Good luck at the vets but I suspect if you push him to pts he may resent you for that going forwards.
 
cobgoblin said:
Then why not say to him now that if he wants to get another dog now, then that's OK by you. If what you say is true, then he won't even consider getting one but it may unblock the decision on this one. There is a world of difference between having a dog and not having one if that is what you are used to. Things that seem desirable under one set of circumstances may not be so desirable under others.
.
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God no, just in case!
he knows he’s not in the position to get another dog. He’s been promoted twice over the last 12 years and is now in a really senior position and he works long hours. I don’t want to look after a dog, and anyway in normal times I travel overnight 2-3 times a month for work so it’s just not realistic.
 
Just as a general point, it really pisses me off when people who profess to "love" animals are incapable of doing the right thing by them when they are obviously suffering. And that includes my mother, who has let animals die rather than get the vet because she's doing her impression of an ostrich, and an ex boyfriend who was seemingly besotted by his dogs but refused to have them vaccinated, with rather tragic results.

But in your case OP I feel sorry for the dog and sorry for you, because you are in an impossible situation here. Your partner is clearly in complete denial but is showing himself in a very unattractive light (whether you like dogs or not) in the way he is treating both you and the dog.

The thing about labradors in particular is that (regardless of any other health issues) once their back ends start to go, incontinence will set in, and invariably if you don't intervene and pts earlier rather than later, you will find one day that he simply cannot get up or use his back end at all. And that is a stage you really shouldn't let it get to.

Whatever, this poor dog needs either to be pts soon, or you need to accept that he will be kept largely indoors if you decide to extend his life further. Seriously, the kennel thing and leaving him outside for anything other than a few minutes is a complete no no. That's just cruel.

Your man needs to wise up and understand that he is being completely unfair to his dog and is increasing his suffering on a daily basis. How you put that across to him, I do not know.
 
I just also want to say OP that I feel for you. Whether or not you like dogs in general, you seem to have the dogs best interests at heart, and have accepted what his owner can't; that the best thing for the dog right now would be to be PTS. I don't think your partner is behaving kindly and considerately to either you or the dog.
 
Rowreach said:
Just as a general point, it really pisses me off when people who profess to "love" animals are incapable of doing the right thing by them when they are obviously suffering. And that includes my mother, who has let animals die rather than get the vet because she's doing her impression of an ostrich, and an ex boyfriend who was seemingly besotted by his dogs but refused to have them vaccinated, with rather tragic results.

But in your case OP I feel sorry for the dog and sorry for you, because you are in an impossible situation here. Your partner is clearly in complete denial but is showing himself in a very unattractive light (whether you like dogs or not) in the way he is treating both you and the dog.

The thing about labradors in particular is that (regardless of any other health issues) once their back ends start to go, incontinence will set in, and invariably if you don't intervene and pts earlier rather than later, you will find one day that he simply cannot get up or use his back end at all. And that is a stage you really shouldn't let it get to.

Whatever, this poor dog needs either to be pts soon, or you need to accept that he will be kept largely indoors if you decide to extend his life further. Seriously, the kennel thing and leaving him outside for anything other than a few minutes is a complete no no. That's just cruel.

Your man needs to wise up and understand that he is being completely unfair to his dog and is increasing his suffering on a daily basis. How you put that across to him, I do not know.
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I don’t want to be overly hard on him because he really does love the dog but is currently making poor decisions and we’ve all done that because of love! Although usually the one that suffers is ourselves..
I’m going to mention the kennel again later, but he’s ordered it already!
He once said he would let the dog go only when he couldn’t walk anymore. Then he backtracked and said he wouldn’t let it go that far but I think that’s where this is headed!
 
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As someone who fears she may find herself in this situation at some point I sympathise.

I know if the roles were reversed I would not be impressed with my partner telling me what to do with my Dog. Equally, my dog is my responsibility, I provide all of his care and I would never let him suffer.

I have recently guided my partner through losing one of his Labs (fortunately?) it was quick and the decision was taken out of his hands. He still blames himself for not paying for her to have multiple blood transfusions after the first only lasted two days. His remaining Lab is left, and is currently a healthy, albeit quite arthritic, old boy. I help where I can, point out my observations (being horsey I seem more tuned in to seeing lameness and the signs of discomfort). And whilst I'd like to think he'd make the sensible decision when the time comes, I can see it taking longer than ideal. But my role will not be to make the decision, but to act as a sounding board. We each had our own dogs before meeting, they aren't "our" dogs.

Your situation is slightly different in that you have ended up an unwilling care giver. He is probably able to ignore the extent of the situation because you deal with it day to day. I would secure the dog in the kitchen with a closed door / baby gate and have easily washable covers on all of the bedding. Keeping an elderly dog outside in the cold when he isn't used to it is not kind and I would tell your partner so.

In the meantime I'd talk to your partner about quality of life, show the poor old dog as much love as you can muster and make sure you partner knows just how much he is suffering, point out how much it upsets you to see the old boy looking so miserable and upset. Going with them to the vets to steer the conversation subtly is a good option as well. I would be loathed to make the decision myself in your shoes as I wouldn't want the blame for killing his dog, but I would very heavily steer him that direction and let him know that you support him.

When it came to it with my mother's old pony and she buried her head in the sand, I made the appointment with the vet myself and told her to cancel it if she didn't agree with me. The vet came, the pony was PTS whilst he still had his dignity and mum admitted it was a great weight of her mind. She just wasn't able to make the call herself.
 
Houndnothorse said:
I don’t want to be overly hard on him because he really does love the dog but is currently making poor decisions and we’ve all done that because of love! Although usually the one that suffers is ourselves..
I’m going to mention the kennel again later, but he’s ordered it already!
He once said he would let the dog go only when he couldn’t walk anymore. Then he backtracked and said he wouldn’t let it go that far but I think that’s where this is headed!
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I would honestly just print this thread off and leave it for him.
 
NinjaPony said:
I just also want to say OP that I feel for you. Whether or not you like dogs in general, you seem to have the dogs best interests at heart, and have accepted what his owner can't; that the best thing for the dog right now would be to be PTS. I don't think your partner is behaving kindly and considerately to either you or the dog.
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Thank you and I genuinely do have his best interests at heart. Also while I might not be kissing and cuddling him, it is me that during the week takes care of his needs- food, shelter, water etc. Me who walked him during lockdown when dog walkers weren’t allowed. Me who picks up medication from the vet. I think these things are far more important than belly rubs.
 
ester said:
If he's staying/he won't PTS he needs to seriously consider treating the cushings in the meantime rather than ignoring it/seeing it all as a continence issue. It's like he's not commiting to either option atm (PTS, or treat all the issues)

(OP you might not know but Aru is one of our resident vets)
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I didn’t know this. Yes he’s got an appointment booked next weekend to discuss options but has been told he will need a biopsy first to determined where the tumour is.
 
OP another suggestion....do you have a good friend who could talk to your OH and explain why he's asking too much of you...and also not doing the right thing by the dog? I really think if you could widen the conversation to involve other people it might make him look at the situation more objectively. Is there anyone he would listen to....maybe another bloke would be a good option.
 
GinaGeo said:
When it came to it with my mother's old pony and she buried her head in the sand, I made the appointment with the vet myself and told her to cancel it if she didn't agree with me. The vet came, the pony was PTS whilst he still had his dignity and mum admitted it was a great weight of her mind. She just wasn't able to make the call herself.
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Ive seen this used before very effectively with a horse.

Experienced horse/animal owners that own a private yard. Horse that really had been needing to be PTS but was one of those that had that extra emotional attachment that despite making the PTS comments, owners couldn’t bring themselves to act.

It got a bit worse and groom booked it in for next week. Told them date & time and who to call if they wanted to cancel. They didn’t.
 
Houndnothorse said:
God no, just in case!
he knows he’s not in the position to get another dog. He’s been promoted twice over the last 12 years and is now in a really senior position and he works long hours. I don’t want to look after a dog, and anyway in normal times I travel overnight 2-3 times a month for work so it’s just not realistic.
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So you are not so sure he doesn't want another dog.
He could always use a dog sitting service...it would seem he managed beforehand.
What would you do if he came home with another dog?
.
 
Perhaps I am just a grumpy old women, but I have seen too many friends and family manipulated in to situations not of their choosing, because of something the partner didn't or did not want to do. The worst one's were, they couldn't adopt a baby, buy a house, get a job, because, for reasons that magically disappeared when something or someone else came along, then it's OK when it suits them.
 
Houndnothorse said:
I don’t think he would ever do that. It would be utterly irresponsible. But if he did then 100% I’d be gone. Decisions that effect both of us we make together. This one being the exception because it’s his dog who was here before I came along.
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But actually it seems that where dogs are concerned (which he loves) you want to be the one that makes the decisions by offering an ultimatum.
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He sounds a little like my OH. We had a terrier who was elderly and had a few issues, incontinence being one of them. Now I didn't mind too much after all the dog was happy and eating well. However she began to attempt to wee and nothing was happening, OH finally took her to the vet and she was scanned. They found a tumour on her bladder/urethra. She didn't come home again. I suspect we should have PTS a month or 2 earlier but trying to get him to take her was tricky. OP I think you need to get the vet on side, your OH must be told that the dog has had its time.
 
I am sorry for your position but more sorry for the dog. I know how hard it was to call time on my girl last year - people on here were very supportive at the time. My old rescue dog also was pts and she had arthritis in her back end (lab x staffie type of dog) which led to incontinence - after a quick vet check we decided not to do any invasive tests and give her pain relief which helped for a couple of weeks then we were back to square one over a weekend which ended up with her off her legs. She was PTS that afternoon by the emergency vet who was great.
I would not like to keep a constantly incontinent dog as most will be upset. If they are not upset it may be because they are unaware due to dementia. Whatever the the reason a previously clean dog does not do this with no serious cause. I sympathise but I could not live in your situation.
He is an adult with responsiblity for this dog and if he can't step up what else can he not face in the future.
You do not sound uncaring except for the kennel which sounds awful and cruel to me. It won't solve anything and the poor boy will be confused and frightened and unhappy through no fault of his own.
Print this off and leave it lying around and/or leave the situation.
Don't forget if the dog dies that will not be the end of it. Grief for a dog can last a long time and be a huge emotional rollercoaster - are you, as a non dog lover prepared for this? There may well be guilt and accusations thrown around as well - fairly or not.
 
You could sit down with him and use this quality of life indicator to assess objectively how good the dogs life is. It takes the emotion out of decision making as each individual factor is taken individually and considered before the scores are added up to give an overall quality of life. Or just use it yourself to clarify to yourself just how bad or otherwise things are.
https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

I hope you are able to find a good resolution for all three of you.
 
Houndnothorse said:
When he got the dog 12.5 years ago he was married and worked locally. His ex worked part time. After she moved out he had a lodger who worked nights and in return for reduced rent he looked after the dog in day time. Plus he has a dog walker. The dog was always very clean and house trained until a year ago.
I don’t want it to seem like the dog isn’t well cared for, he is. Overly pampered IMHO!
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Honestly? He sounds like a part time dog owner, he gets all the good bits and someone else deals with the hard parts. I thought when you started the thread this was going to be the beloved childhood pet of a man in his 20s, which says a lot as well about how you've described him, ho hum.
He's doing a seagull parenting job here - flying in, shitting all over the place and then flying off again.
 
alibali said:
You could sit down with him and use this quality of life indicator to assess objectively how good the dogs life is. It takes the emotion out of decision making as each individual factor is taken individually and considered before the scores are added up to give an overall quality of life. Or just use it yourself to clarify to yourself just how bad or otherwise things are.
https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

I hope you are able to find a good resolution for all three of you.
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This is very helpful. People on here sent me some links and I used one for my old dementia dog and it helped me see her downward progress objectively. It helped my husband too. It is worth doing it regularly if your partner doesn't agree first time and he might see the deterioration.
 
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