Partner in denial re dog

FWIW my mum was never a dog person and still isn't but she loved the dogs that were hers from the start. She would not have enjoyed being put into in an old, incontinent dog situation with a dog that wasn't her own but she did love her own dogs very much and misses having a dog about now. Still not a doggy person but appreciates them now and still likes to borrow other people's for walks. So I think it's perfectly possible for a not a doggy person to be a happy dog owner.
 
ester said:
Yes I knew you meant in the daytime, it still doesn't seem appropriate to me.
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Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative?
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!
 
Houndnothorse said:
Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative?
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!
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Ask him if
Houndnothorse said:
Doesn’t to me either it what is the alternative?
inhabe neither the time nor the stomach to clean up several times a day and my partner is out of the house from 7.30 until 18.30 Monday- Friday!
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Well the stark reality is someone has to. It’s utterly horrific to be suggesting keeping an elderly incontinent family pet outside for extended time periods in winter due to toileting issues.

Do you have any friends who are vets that can address this issue with him?

Can you turn on the waterworks a bit so he can see how upset this is making you?
 
cobgoblin said:
If you've ever told your partner that you don't like dogs then you've probably negated your own influence. The vet is your best option, although any vet worthy of that title should already have discussed the situation with your partner. It sounds as though he loves the dog very much but just can't make the final decision... It's a very difficult thing for many people.
I wouldn't do the dog or me conversation unless you are prepared for him to chose the dog or blame you forever, far better to let the vet do their job.
I certainly would not tell him lies and take the dog to be pts.. That's not a good basis for any relationship and truth usually comes out.

If he's a dog lover he will want another, perhaps you ought to consider that.
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Yes I think the fact that I’m not overly keen doesn’t help as it comes across like I just want rid because it’s unpleasant/inconvenient. I don’t want him to feel pressured as he will resent me. The dog has had a lovely, long life and has been taken care of wonderfully. I just feel now or certainly soon is the time to allow him to go peacefully. I’ve tried to say this but I get stonewalled. I can’t call the vet because if he found out again he’d think I was engineering the conversation. I don’t have any options really- well move out or wait!
 
OP do you have any close friends or family who are dog lovers who could come and talk to him? Sometimes having an outside party involved really helps and if they are also a dog lover he might feel they understand how he's feeling. If you could find someone who he likes who has been through the same thing and could talk to him that would be even better.

You could just invite them round and move onto the subject gradually...
 
WandaMare said:
OP do you have any close friends or family who are dog lovers who could come and talk to him? Sometimes having an outside party involved really helps and if they are also a dog lover he might feel they understand how he's feeling. If you could find someone who he likes who has been through the same thing and could talk to him that would be even better.

You could just invite them round and move onto the subject gradually...
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His mum tried once and she’s more of a dog person than he is but he shut her down. He told her he knew his dog and it was his decision. He absolutely won’t listen to anyone else. He says he hopes the dog just dies in his sleep but I know the chance of that is minimal.
 
ihatework said:
Ask him if

Do you have any friends who are vets that can address this issue with him?
Sadly no.

Can you turn on the waterworks a bit so he can see how upset this is making you?
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Ha ha, no I’ve never been able to cry on demand or even when upset!!

Well the stark reality is someone has to. It’s utterly horrific to be suggesting keeping an elderly incontinent family pet outside for extended time periods in winter due to toileting issues.

Genuine question as I don’t know- is an hour an extended period of time?
 
I'm in the same situation with my parents and its awful I really feel for you. I have offered to take the dog, but they say they owe her more than sending her to the vets with me.
Not much to add, just a post in solidarity with your predicament, my parent are however away next week and have given me permission to do it if required. So I do have an end date for the poor thing.
 
BallyJ said:
I'm in the same situation with my parents and its awful I really feel for you. I have offered to take the dog, but they say they owe her more than sending her to the vets with me.
Not much to add, just a post in solidarity with your predicament, my parent are however away next week and have given me permission to do it if required. So I do have an end date for the poor thing.
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Thanks for your message and I hope it goes ok. I do feel for him and your parents, it’s a horrible position to be in but I guess that’s part of having a pet. I think I’ve been really supportive but it’s enough now :(
 
Yes, an hour is an extended period of time for a dog at this stage of its life.

Perhaps print this thread off. Leave it on the side for him to read and digest while you are not there. With any luck, on your return he may start to talk about it.

In March I had my old lab PTS. His back legs were all but gone and he was going senile. He was still continent. The vet came to my house and did him there. He was lying on his bed, me sat on the bed with him feeding him steak.
 
Houndnothorse said:
You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.
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I think in that case there is something else going on. My husband does not particularly like animals, we have a dog and four cats. I do all the care, take the responsibility, so I think he's just pushing the responsibility on to you with no consequences, and perhaps it's an excuse to not move on with your lives, for what ever reason.
 
Please show him my post.

I had a dog, growing up called Baba. I loved that dog so much. At 13 he started to go down hill very rapidly over the course of a week and after a vet visit I could not say goodbye, I couldnt make the decision, I thought I'd have more time.

I brought him from the vets and put him by my bedside that night. By the time the morning came he could not breath, he could not stand..by the time we got to the vets he didnt even know I was there. I said goodbye to him having no idea I was there for him or how much I loved him.

I regret that choice every single day. If I had a do-over we'd wander into the vets, slowly but ably, we'd eat sausages on our way and cry and hug and talk. Id hold him quietly while he looked up at me with those beautiful doggy eyes that know everything and i'd let him slip away in my arms.

If you have that luxury, take it. All the best x
 
What did he do before you moved in regarding letting the dog out etc? It could be that the dog was always left for a long (or too long a) time and there is a historical problem with messing in the house and it has got a whole lot worse with age.

It is very unfair that it automatically falls to you to clean up just because you are WFH (although not sure I can see another way).

The dog is going to be denied access to the house which is a whole lot different to "being out in the garden" and the dog will know it.

Poor old dog. Deserves better doesn't he.
 
It's a horrid position to be in op. My OH is a great one for burying his head in the sand and saying it will be fine, I spent a good few weeks telling him that "decision time" was coming with ash, but he wouldn't accept it, luckily they are OUR dogs so when enough was enough I simply told him as he was getting up that I was calling the vets as soon as they were open to get someone out that morning to pts, he just said ok and that he could finish work at 11am to be back home. One thing to maybe raise with him is that obviously the dog hasn't got long left and with another lockdown on the cards how would he feel if he had to hand the dog over in a car park to the vet and not be able to be there for him at the end?
 
Dog owners are just like all other humans, some thinks that quality of life is important, some thinks that staying alive is all that matters, and anything between those two types.

Sadly your boyfriend seems to be one of those persons who desperately wants their pets to stay alive for as long as possible, no matter what. By the way, I see nothing wrong with for example trying to treat an otherwise happy dog for Cushings, or trying to fix pain problems in legs, or backs, etc. But what you describe is not what I would consider acceptable.

And to then come up with the idea of building a kennel to a dog that doesn't like to stay outdoors longer than necessary... It isn't even an attempt to try and solve any of the dog's problem, without it would only serve your boyfriend's purpose of wanting his dog to stay alive.

Admittedly, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things to try and fix my pets (you can have a look at my thread There is something wrong with Blomma, if you want to know what madness I'm currently up to). But I still like to think that I only try to fix them as long as it is worth it for them, and they're able to enjoy life.
 
yes but it is going to be more difficult to engineer a conversation between vet and partner as they mostly aren't having people in on consults atm.
 
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Archangel said:
What did he do before you moved in regarding letting the dog out etc? It could be that the dog was always left for a long (or too long a) time and there is a historical problem with messing in the house and it has got a whole lot worse with age.

It is very unfair that it automatically falls to you to clean up just because you are WFH (although not sure I can see another way).

The dog is going to be denied access to the house which is a whole lot different to "being out in the garden" and the dog will know it.

Poor old dog. Deserves better doesn't he.
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When he got the dog 12.5 years ago he was married and worked locally. His ex worked part time. After she moved out he had a lodger who worked nights and in return for reduced rent he looked after the dog in day time. Plus he has a dog walker. The dog was always very clean and house trained until a year ago.
I don’t want it to seem like the dog isn’t well cared for, he is. Overly pampered IMHO!
 
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FinnishLapphund said:
Dog owners are just like all other humans, some thinks that quality of life is important, some thinks that staying alive is all that matters, and anything between those two types.

Sadly your boyfriend seems to be one of those persons who desperately wants their pets to stay alive for as long as possible, no matter what. By the way, I see nothing wrong with for example trying to treat an otherwise happy dog for Cushings, or trying to fix pain problems in legs, or backs, etc. But what you describe is not what I would consider acceptable.

And to then come up with the idea of building a kennel to a dog that doesn't like to stay outdoors longer than necessary... It isn't even an attempt to try and solve any of the dog's problem, without it would only serve your boyfriend's purpose of wanting his dog to stay alive.

Admittedly, I'm willing to do a whole lot of things to try and fix my pets (you can have a look at my thread There is something wrong with Blomma, if you want to know what madness I'm currently up to). But I still like to think that I only try to fix them as long as it is worth it for them, and they're able to enjoy life.
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Oh I agree that if a pet is in pain and you can help that you should! I understand the responsibility to do that. But giving a dog who is 12.5 yrs old chemotherapy drugs is too far? The side effects are meant to be horrible and how much is it going to extend his life? If he was 5/6 it would be a different matter.
honestly I think the kennel is to keep the peace. If I wasn’t here he’d leave the dog indoors and deal with the absolute massacre after work. But he knows i won’t accept having to clean up numerous times a day. Plus I’m working and so don’t really have time.its actually impossible.
 
honetpot said:
I think in that case there is something else going on. My husband does not particularly like animals, we have a dog and four cats. I do all the care, take the responsibility, so I think he's just pushing the responsibility on to you with no consequences, and perhaps it's an excuse to not move on with your lives, for what ever reason.
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no, he would move tomorrow but I’m not buying a house that’s suitable for an incontinant dog and also having new floors ruined in the process!
 
I think your title should be revised to .
“I am in denial with my partner who loves his dog..“

I've read and re read these posts..
you are not a dog lover,you don’t want this dog ,you don’t want another dog...
You want a clean ,hair free,dog free home,
You want to go on holidays. You want to be completely free..freeee!
Yet you are saddled with this old smelly,pooping,inconvenient,sick , old dog.
Worse yet,your dog loving partner may even get another dog..god forbid!!!
!OOOF,just think of those new carpets,the smell,the dog hairs,...I’m swooning with you...you are not a dog person..not a crime,it’s a reality.
You really should rethink your future lives ,as neither one of you will be happy if one of you has to renounce their values for the other..I’m not judging either partner but you both are on completely different paths here.
I would never give up my dogs for my partner..but made it clear when I entered a relationship that my dogs were a vital part of my life..take it or leave it.
 
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Houndnothorse said:
You’ve made valid points, that I’ve asked myself. We’ve talked about this and firstly we’ve agreed we won’t have another dog for at least 10 years as we want to buy a house abroad to do up and spend holidays, long weekends in. The dog will be one that works for both of us, smaller & doesn’t shed. Also, he’s very relaxed about dogs in bed (not currently think god)! Etc. But I don’t want this or begging, on sofa etc! ( I sound like such a fun sponge)... we’ve agreed we will have more boundaries.
also I feel I’ve come in to the dogs life at the worse time & so I’ve only seen the negative aspects of having a dog. Not the dogs fault i know and I’m very kind to him & try hard not to show my displeasure.
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Although I do agree with you about the plight of the current dog, I have to admit that you do seem to be a bit of a fun sponge as regards a pet dog. I'm willing to bet that the conditions agreed on came mostly from you, as things you object to are pretty normal for most dog lovers unless they are working dogs.
Perhaps he would rather have a dog than a house abroad, or feels that if he gives up this dog, then he won't be 'allowed' to have one for 10yrs and then only at your discretion of what breed etc. Maybe, as a dog lover, he is regretting agreeing to those terms.
.
 
cobgoblin said:
Although I do agree with you about the plight of the current dog, I have to admit that you do seem to be a bit of a fun sponge as regards a pet dog. I'm willing to bet that the conditions agreed on came mostly from you, as things you object to are pretty normal for most dog lovers unless they are working dogs.
Perhaps he would rather have a dog than a house abroad, or feels that if he gives up this dog, then he won't be 'allowed' to have one for 10yrs and then only at your discretion of what breed etc. Maybe, as a dog lover, he is regretting agreeing to those terms.
.
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Buying a place abroad is actually his dream, but I love the idea too. He told me early on the he wouldn’t be getting another dog for a long time because A he doesn’t have time due to work commitments and B the desire to buy a place abroad. but yes you’re right, I’m not really a let’s have a dog all over the house type of person but I don’t need to be. One of my closest friends had 2 dogs and loves them very much but they’re not allowed in furniture, in bed etc. They’re still very happy and loved.
 
Bellasophia said:
I think your title should be revised to .
“I am in denial with my partner who loves his dog..“

I've read and re read these posts..
you are not a dog lover,you don’t want this dog ,you don’t want another dog...
You want a clean ,hair free,dog free home,
You want to go on holidays. You want to be completely free..freeee!
Yet you are saddled with this old smelly,pooping,inconvenient,sick , old dog.
Worse yet,your dog loving partner may even get another dog..god forbid!!!
!OOOF,just think of those new carpets,the smell,the dog hairs,...I’m swooning with you...you are not a dog person..not a crime,it’s a reality.
You really should rethink your future lives ,as neither one of you will be happy if one of you has to renounce their values for the other..I’m not judging either partner but you both are on completely different paths here.
I would never give up my dogs for my partner..but made it clear when I entered a relationship that my dogs were a vital part of my life..take it or leave it.
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Thanks for your honesty. You’re right this is exactly what I am like- I love a clean, hair free, pet smell free home! However I think this is achievable with a dog, in fact I know lots of people who have this and also apart from this, admittedly, big issue we get on very well, have lots of other common interests, laugh lots and are very much in love, hence why I haven’t simply walked away.
 
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In the short term treating the cushings disease would probably solve the urinary incontince issues and make your life easier. At the moment that poor animal is essentially being pumped full of steriods from a pituitary tumour making him drink and urinate excessively.He likely feels hungry all the time and has recurrent Utis and skin issues..But that's a separate issue.

You need to get your boyfriend to go have a quality of life discussion with the vets. Existing isn't the same as living.

If there's nothing to look forward to going forward for the dog then what has the poor animal to look forward to only more days of existing and a downward spiral in quality of life.
He's putting off the visit because he doenst want to say goodbye to his best mate...But in the mean time the dogs suffering from his inaction. Putting him outside coming into wintertime is not a solution. Time to suggest he step up and take some action one way or the other. But what's happening now is not ok.

This is the responsibility involved with owning dogs. He needs to start thinking about what's the right thing for the dog.

Very few dogs die in their sleep. We are biological machines and are not designed to turn off so easily. It takes a lot of deterioration to get to that point unless there is a heart issue.

Euthanasia in the arms of someone you love is not a bad way to go.

In his heart of hearts your partner already knows he's on borrowed time with his dog that's why hes hesitating. It's a horrible choice to have to make.
Could you bring it up and see if he needs to or is able to spend some time with the dog before letting him go?
 
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Hi again..no judgement here..we all like a sweet smelling home..
It can be done,but with a sick dog,who may be incontinent...or an old dog who may be both incontinent and pooping Willy nilly ,the task is harder to achieve...

this is going to be short term..Please,let this one go to the end..
in the final run..get the dog gate..lots of detergent for the floor washes..keep positive. put easily washed covers on the furniture.. you get the drift.
get that vet visit booked..try to get your partner to see the dog is on his last run,but you are at his side for this..you do this together..
This is as much about your future with your partner as it is for this dog,s last weeks or months. Good luck.
 
Houndnothorse said:
Buying a place abroad is actually his dream, but I love the idea too. He told me early on the he wouldn’t be getting another dog for a long time because A he doesn’t have time due to work commitments and B the desire to buy a place abroad. but yes you’re right, I’m not really a let’s have a dog all over the house type of person but I don’t need to be. One of my closest friends had 2 dogs and loves them very much but they’re not allowed in furniture, in bed etc. They’re still very happy and loved.
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Then why not say to him now that if he wants to get another dog now, then that's OK by you. If what you say is true, then he won't even consider getting one but it may unblock the decision on this one. There is a world of difference between having a dog and not having one if that is what you are used to. Things that seem desirable under one set of circumstances may not be so desirable under others.
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