Partner not happy about horse costs

Im sorry but I think if someone can behave like this over a horse, that was there before him, how is he going to behave when there is a baby? will he be angry about the money being spent on the baby? the fact that the baby will then be the priority?? I just couldn't risk being with someone that is jealous of a horse!
 
Kezzabell2 said:
Im sorry but I think if someone can behave like this over a horse, that was there before him, how is he going to behave when there is a baby? will he be angry about the money being spent on the baby? the fact that the baby will then be the priority?? I just couldn't risk being with someone that is jealous of a horse!
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Mm, well presumably the baby would be a combined decision and also belong to him...
 
OP, third time of asking. Do you love this man? It doesn't sound like it.


I personally think the horse is more likely to be simply a proxy, for him and for you, for your lack of commitment to this relationship.
 
ycbm said:
OP, third time of asking. Do you love this man? It doesn't sound like it.


I personally think the horse is more likely to be simply a proxy, for him and for you, for your lack of commitment to this relationship.
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I agree. I think there are two sides to this..
 
FfionWinnie said:
No hobbies, down the pub peeing it down the drain and making it clear to the op he hates horses. There's many things I'm not that keen on, however if you love someone then you appreciate their hobby is important to them and you don't say you hate it. It is a huge red flag of utter disrespect to another person, to use words like that against them in my experience. It's fine to hate horses but don't get in a relationship with someone who has a horse in that case.
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I second this.

I'm not a fan of golf or football, but my OH is. I'd never tell my BF that quite frankly, left to my own devices, watching a golf competition is surely like watching paint dry?! But, it's important to him so it becomes important to me. If he is playing in a golf tournament, every now & then I'll make sure I'm free to watch him. I'll always ask how his practise or rounds went. Just as every now & then he'll come on a hack on foot to keep us company or to help me move hay when needed and will always ask after my horse. If he was ever questioned by his mates at the pub, he would deny buying extra carrots, apples and polo's at the supermarket on purpose for said horse but the fact that he does, means a lot.

In all honesty, if you both can't or wont compromise (and relationships are a compromise, no matter how wonderful the relationship is) then this may be a hugwhile red flag. There's no shame in this not being "the one" or realising you both don't want the same thing.
 
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Has this all blown up due to the cost of the full livery, or did he only just realise how much your horse had been costing you on DIY - and he's now shocked at how much you spend?

More devil's advocate here, but if you hadn't been up front before, and he was going about his business thinking money (yours and his) was no issue and you'd soon be in a position to get a place of your own, then it might have come as a bit of a bombshell if he found out all wasn't as it appeared.

I'm not saying he's right to fly off the handle with you, but I don't see this as a choice between OH or horse. That's too flippant. Communication is the most important factor in a relationship as far as I'm concerned, and it sounds to me like this might have broken down.

Before you throw your relationship away, think hard what's important to you. Is this really arising over an extra £15pw, or is it more deep seated? Is there a compromise to be had? Only you and he know, OP.

Good luck.
 
Your boyfriend is of course entitled to his opinion. For people who do not own horses £85 a week is a lot to spend on a horse or perhaps any hobby. I am on part livery and I spend a lot more than that but I am single so it is different. I think if I told most people how much I spend on my horse they would be horrified and think it was a total waste of money.

So your partner is not saving anything as his parents will contribute his share whenever he wants it seems, so he could move out now if you had the money. It could be he is fed up with living at home and the only thing stopping him moving out is that you do not have the money, I can see this could be frustrating for him. His situation is different he has financial support from his parents so he does not have to save anything.

The relationship is not equal due to his fortunate financial situation he does not have to give up anything to move in with you, whilst you would need to try and cut back your expenditure or increase your income to save enough to move in with him so it will be harder for you.

Have you talked about if you would like to start a family at some point, as your horse is still young and say you wanted to start a family at 30 this would be extra costs for you both on top the costs of having a horse.

Taking on a joint mortgage is a big responsibility and a risk if you have never lived together before.

What are your career aspirations, being on part livery would enable you to travel for work or work longer hours if necessarily, which could give more options in terms of careers and future earning potential.

In most relationships one person may earn more than another or have greater expenditure, finances can cause lots of arguments.

There is also a big difference in someone not being interested in horses and someone hating them. If your partner hates horses then I think could be a problem if you love them. If anything happened and you needed a little bit of support from him with the horses then that probably would cause conflict.
 
Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now.

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
 
Libby_x said:
Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now.

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
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How long have you been together? If it's just a one off row then I really would just let the dust settle and then have a chat about it in a more calm (and non drunk) setting. It sounds like he's perhaps just had a shock at how much you spend on the horse and is perhaps feeling a bit insecure over your future.
 
4 years. Yes, I think maybe it's also a sharp reminder for me to check my funds and get a tight budget sheet set up. beg work for overtime also!
 
Libby_x said:
He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?
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No, alcohol has a tendency to bring out the side of the character we, for what ever reasons, tend to keep to ourselves.

Libby_x said:
I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
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And in return, he will be doing...?

This is before you even move in together, let alone make some sort of commitment to each other. Personally I wouldn't be touching him with somebody else's bargepole :D. Run. Fast.
 
Fidgety said:
No, alcohol has a tendency to bring out the side of the character we, for what ever reasons, tend to keep to ourselves.



And in return, he will be doing...?

This is before you even move in together, let alone make some sort of commitment to each other. Personally I wouldn't be touching him with somebody else's bargepole :D. Run. Fast.
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hahah where's the like button

honestly this is a very similar post to one I wrote 2 years ago! best thing I ever did was get the heck out of it!
 
I'm sorry but if anyone shouted and said nasty things to me over my hobby I wouldn't be making excuses for them.

Things get hard if you move in with someone and latterly have kids if he can't take this you both need a rethink. You really need to explain to him that it's love me, love my horse. He needs it explaining to him that horses keep you happy, if he wants you happy the horses stay. If he still doesn't get it. Keep the horse and let him make his own decision.
 
I'm in similar shoes to you op, perhaps not quiet so far down the line with moving out but it's in the back of my mind. I realise I need to save/get more money and always look for ways to do this. My bf currently earns far more than me (he's older) and puts more money into the joint things we do together e.g. trips out/food etc, although I always try to pay my way to.

However my bf (who still lives with his parents as do i) is fully supportive of what I do, and I have 3 of the beasts!! He came into my life without knowing how fully involved i was and has accepted everything thrown his way. If he did not accept my lifestyle, the time I spent with them and the money involved then i would not be with him as it just wouldn't work.
The horses were in my life long before he was and he knows this and he respects what I do, I couldnt/wouldn't give them up for someone. I could not be with someone who doesn't support my one hobby as I am careful with the money I spend on them, and budget for them. I don't go out every weekend drinking, buying new clothes or going on holiday every month too.

However he does know what I spend on them, how much things cost etc as I think it's fair. Yes he doesn't need to and he doesn't tell me how to spend my money, but I like being honest so it's not a shock in the future should things move forward. However if he had 'gone mad' at me over the money I spend then I would not have him sticking around.

I realise I am a very lucky girl. To have a totally non horsey guy accept all aspects of horses and to not once ever moan of the cost that does affect our going out and how much we each spend on joint things, (he'll even buy bits for them and has taken up riding for me) is probably a one in a million chance. I absolutely adore him for all that he does and puts up with!
 
Jeepers it was a one off row about it in 4 entire years. Everyone says things they don't mean during heated rows in relationships. Heck, I've had enough rows with my OH of 7 years to know that. It's how you come out of it and move on from there that matters. If he hasn't mentioned it since, my guess would be that he's got over the shock of how much OP spend and decided to get over it. However if he continues to have issues with it then obviously it's a problem.
 
Libby_x said:
Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now.

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?

I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
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That last paragraph doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun. Are you sure you want to spend your life saving, working, juggling so that somebody who goes mad at you and shouts nasty things "can't really say a lot"?
 
Libby_x said:
Yes we both love each other and get on very well. I make lots of compromises and so does he but the horse has never been much of an issue until now.

He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?


I think if I keep working towards saving more and increasing my income he can't really say a lot. Hopefully I can balance my funds to suit all but life is hard juggling so much at once.
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No-one has the right to shout at you, I am shocked he had the nerve to show his face today. I'm wondering if his drinking is playing a bigger role in all this rather than the horse and when he drinks he should just keep away. If his behaviour is starting to become odd when he has been drinking maybe he should address this immediately. Being a non drinker I am always quite amazed how some people can behave, happy drunks make me smile but others shouldn't go near the stuff
 
Libby_x said:
4 years. Yes, I think maybe it's also a sharp reminder for me to check my funds and get a tight budget sheet set up. beg work for overtime also!
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Four years? Can I ask why you haven't already set up home together, that sounds like a very long time to me, but maybe I'm just old.
 
Moomin1 said:
I gathered from earlier posts it was down to finance.
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I got the same impression but wanted the OP to confirm. If it is finance, and they don't live together because they both spend their money on other things instead of renting a room in a shared house, that doesn't sound like much of a love match to me. Or certainly not one I would have settled for at that age, living apart with parents at the age of twenty five after four years together. It sounds much more like 'friends with benefits'. I just can't imagine wanting the choice of sleeping together under one or other parents roof, or going home alone to my childhood bedroom if I loved my partner.

As I said, maybe I'm just from a different era. In my day (pass the waking stick, dear!) it was common for parents to charge adult offspring rent, which gave you an incentive to be independent.
 
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Definitely not friends with benefits :o I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.
 
*hands walking stick back* I paid rent, I was permitted to freeload in my gap year as the deal was I would get no money for uni, I worked full time for the year and that and hols working paid for uni. As soon as I came back rent was charged :p. I am always surprised how many people find that odd. There is definitely an increasing level of normality of staying with parents longer term though, horse or no horse.

For me any partner would have it pointed out how much saner I am with a horse than without ;).
 
Libby_x said:
Definitely not friends with benefits :o I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.
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When you say 'even worse financial state' OP, you make it sound like you have got considerable financial struggles right now. If that is the case then personally I can fully see why your OH may just have reached tipping point.
 
I actually think too much is made of the "compromise" thing in relationships. It's ok to not want to compromise and if 2 people are at opposite ends of a spectrum, then the necessary amount of compromise needed for them both to meet in the middle means neither would be happy. Sometimes *not* compromising is entirely the right thing to do. Have a think about what your life plans would be if you were single and not considering any partner. It's too easy to get caught up in compromising, going with the flow and hoping things change/improve because you think it's the "right" thing to do.

Be aware that some partners won't ask/demand that you give up something they don't like you spending money/time/attention on, because it would make them look like "the bad guy". Instead, they keep on and on and on, slowly beating you down without you even realising it, until one day you "decide for yourself" to stop doing whatever it is that they don't like. Except it hasn't really been your decision, not if the reason you made it was to prevent yourself getting hassled about it any more.

I'd ditch him and not because of the horse (that's just a symptom of his attitude to money/you). I had a partner like this and thought it didn't matter because I was independent and happy to pay my share even when there was a disparity in salaries. Like you I thought we loved/cared about/wanted the best for each other. We talked about children, I wanted them and knew I wouldn't want to work until they went to school. I already did all the cleaning/tidying and just knew I'd be left to do most of the childcare, with him just doing the fun stuff with the children so I could get on with the housework. And he'd have viewed that as him doing me a favour :rolleyes3: . The first thing he asked was how I'd afford the horse if I stopped working. He was unimpressed when I told him that expense would have to come out of the "family money", which would be the new label for his wages, along with all the other expenses of life. He could have well afforded it, nobody would have needed to go without so I could have a horse. Then I became unwell and had to cut down to part time work. The first words out of his mouth were "what if you end up not working at all and I have to pay for everything forever" accompanied by a look of horror.


Libby_x said:
He went mad as in shouting and getting quite nasty with words but hasn't really brought it up today. Maybe he'd had more to drink than I thought and it was more the alcohol talking?
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Being drunk #1 doesn't make it ok for him to treat you like that and #2 is a warning in itself. If drinking alcohol caused me to behave in that manner towards someone I supposedly loved, then I wouldn't drink alcohol ever.
 
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Libby_x said:
Definitely not friends with benefits :o I would be in an even worse financial state if we were renting right now or in a rented room. I think the aim is to get a mortgage rather than rent. Many friends have rented and then ended up moving back in their late 20's to try and save for a mortgage.
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It may just be something you wrote quickly without thinking about it, but what did you mean you 'think' the objective is a mortgage? Don't you know? Haven't you discussed it and worked out how much the pair of you need and where is going to come from? If not, that sounds like the root of your problem, not what you spend on your horse. Time to get talking, I think.
 
I agree with what you are saying in the main Sugar and Spice. If two people cannot come to a happy compromise without considerably changing their lives then that's a concern. On the other token, I also find it concerning how many people seem to think it 'sweet' and 'true love' when a partner starts doing things like taking up riding to please their OH, despite not being interested in it etc. That isn't true love, it's someone being fake to try and please the other. A real genuine relationship IMO is when two people don't have to 'try' to please the other, and accept that both have different interests and are separate people.
 
Feival said:
It's naff all to do with him, so tell him so. If he doesn't wind his neck in show him the door, sharply!
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I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together. I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..
 
Nothing terrible but to rent where I am, it's at least £800 when you add bills. I pay rent at home but nothing close to that amount. To rent a room in someone's house is something I did at uni for half a year and it's not particularly cheap and felt very awkward living in a strangers house.

I would prefer a mortgage to renting but if in a year or two it's not coming together as fast then I may just have to rent but I need to work my way up at work a bit first to afford rent and a horse.
 
Moomin1 said:
I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together. I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..
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It's a respect thing. He doesn't have to love the horse but he does have to love his partner (unless there are people who are happy to be in a committed relationship with/share a house with someone who doesn't love them?) and if you truely love someone you respect them. If he hates horses or just doesn't want to be with a horse owner because of the financial implications, then he should be the one to walk away from the relationship because it's not the right relationship *for him*. Sticking around and "going mad" at his partner to try to get her to change into the person he wishes she was, just isn't on.
 
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