Partner not happy about horse costs

[LadySam]

It may just be something you wrote quickly without thinking about it, but what did you mean you 'think' the objective is a mortgage? ... Time to get talking, I think.

I had the same thought. If you 'think' the objective is a mortgage, and the OH has chucked a major wobbly because he's just found out after four years of being together what horses really cost, then it doesn't look like you've had proper serious discussions about money yet. You need to do this before you set up house.

It can be very uncomfortable talking openly and honestly about money - not just your incomings and outgoings but also aims and aspirations and planning how you're going to get there together. Working out what's negotiable and what's not. But you need to do it. Not only do you need a proper financial plan laid out for the two of you to work on together (just 'let's both save up' doesn't cut it), it will also tell you bucketloads about your partner and your relationship that you never quite knew. Which may or may not lead to not setting up house after all, once you know things you don't know now.

I'm trying not to catastrophise here, so I'm not going to get into the 'dumping' conversation. But I also don't think the horse should be an area of compromise. Sure relationships are give and take, but everyone has their non-negotiables too. Horses were there first for you and are important, so working out how to accommodate that while working towards joint goals is something you need to bring to the table for discussion.

And I dare say, that conversation will be an eye opener. Either way.

 

[Moomin1]

It's a respect thing. He doesn't have to love the horse but he does have to love his partner (unless there are people who are happy to be in a committed relationship with/share a house with someone who doesn't love them?) and if you truely love someone you respect them. If he hates horses or just doesn't want to be with a horse owner because of the financial implications, then he should be the one to walk away from the relationship because it's not the right relationship *for him*. Sticking around and "going mad" at his partner to try to get her to change into the person he wishes she was, just isn't on.

It was one row. In 4 years. I'd hardly say that indicates he is trying to change her....

As for the rest, yes I agree, if he doesn't want to be with someone who would rather spend her money on her horse than divide it between him and her horse, then it is down to him to walk away. It appears though that OP plans to try and make both horse ownership and her relationship work. Nowhere in any of this thread do I see any information to suggest her OH doesn't accept this.

 

[KittenInTheTree]

Nothing terrible but to rent where I am, it's at least £800 when you add bills. I pay rent at home but nothing close to that amount. To rent a room in someone's house is something I did at uni for half a year and it's not particularly cheap and felt very awkward living in a strangers house.

I would prefer a mortgage to renting but if in a year or two it's not coming together as fast then I may just have to rent but I need to work my way up at work a bit first to afford rent and a horse.

You're living at home and paying in/contributing to the household whilst you establish your career - that seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

It was one row. In 4 years. I'd hardly say that indicates he is trying to change her....

As for the rest, yes I agree, if he doesn't want to be with someone who would rather spend her money on her horse than divide it between him and her horse, then it is down to him to walk away. It appears though that OP plans to try and make both horse ownership and her relationship work. Nowhere in any of this thread do I see any information to suggest her OH doesn't accept this.

So far though, she's planning to make it work by appeasing him. She posted a while back about juggling everything so he "can't say anything". She sounds like she's running herself into the ground doing (or considering doing, hence this thread) what he wants rather than what she wants. When one person sets out to appease the other, then confrontation is avoided and it's unsurprising if there are no rows. She's so ready to do it, and making excuses on this thread for his bad behaviour, telling us that she puts up with him often being in the pub though it's clear she's not happy about that, that I wonder how long she's been appeasing him and if it's how the relationship has always been. This could be the first row because its the first time she's challenged him over something and not instantly backed down.

To answer you last sentence - only the bit that prompted this thread, the bit where he threw his toys out of the pram at hearing something he doesn't like, that's hardly acceptance is it. She hasn't even had (however insincere) an appology for the way he spoke to her, instead he's not mentioned it and is therefore acting like it's fine that he was, in her words "nasty".

 

[windand rain]

Now a days a deposit of over £30000 is needed to buy a house it would take me a life time to raise that renting is by far an easier option. Some schemes are rent to buy where the rent builds up as your deposit on the house but there are not many of those and drinking and horse ownership however you look at it are not going to help the situation at all. I can only afford my ponies because we work on a shoestring, have collected everything they need over the many years of horse ownership and dont drink. smoke, go out or go on holiday. I have worked all hours god sent in the past a weekly hour tally was over a hundred in a week and I had three kids and dogs ponies etc but I also had a very supportive OH he is a gem and has always been happy to support the horses if I worked or not. He also changed more nappies and learned to cook so I could work and have the ponies. There have been times when we had to sell the ponies for financial reasons but I am unhappy without so as soon as the situation changed we bought another one. He is the one who ahd bought his first pony this weekend after 41 years he is now a pony owner himself. He never really liked animals as he hates the hair and dirt that goes with them but he loves me enough to know the ponies are a major part of my happiness. His hobby was cars even more expensive than horses when you change the car every few months. He still would like a classic car but know now we are on a pension and dont have a garage to store it it is impractical. Compromise is essential but it results in resentment unless the compromise is acceptable to both parties.Ie you work hard to cover your expenses and add a bit to the pot and he only goes to the pub as often as he can afford to add the same amount to the pot without expecting his parents to pay his share

 

[maggie62]

I find it interesting that all the good advice offered seems to be falling on deaf ears. The OP seems to just want to play it all down, citing he may have been drinking to have gone mad etc. I personally would steer clear of someone that is angry and nasty when drinking. After too many years of putting up with this type of behavior from my ex (no horse involved) its a highway to disaster. I wonder why she didn't speak with her parents regarding this problem. Its just an observation after reading this thread.....no offence intended.

 

[windand rain]

I should add that if he had ever said its me or the horse he would be gone as much as I love him as it would be a symptom of something far more sinister. Emotional bullying and cruelty is far worse in many cases as it make the victim think it is their fault, unhappy and guilty all the time. They then spend every waking moment trying to appease the bullying partner who becomes more and more controlling as they succeed in manipulating the partner

 

[Moomin1]

I should add that if he had ever said its me or the horse he would be gone as much as I love him as it would be a symptom of something far more sinister. Emotional bullying and cruelty is far worse in many cases as it make the victim think it is their fault, unhappy and guilty all the time. They then spend every waking moment trying to appease the bullying partner who becomes more and more controlling as they succeed in manipulating the partner

He hasn't said it's her or the horse.

In fact, we know very little about what he has actually said. All we know is they had a one off heated row over cost of her horses in 4 years.

I fully agree that it sounds like there are issues in this relationship that need addressing. But I think to jump to the conclusion that this guy is some sort of nasty bully simply on the basis of one row is ludicrous. I also think to say he is some sort of habitually nasty drunk who frequents the pub all his life and should instead be sat at home listening to OP talk about horses at the mere age of 25 is ridiculous. He's young. Why shouldn't he have a life too? If the involves going to the pub a few nights per week with his mates, so be it. If OP turns round and says this guy is in the pub every single night, coming in steaming drunk, and becoming aggressive then for enough, there's an alarming issue and I would suggest running for the hills. But OP has merely stated that he goes to the pub. And that they had a one off row in 4 years.

 

[joosie]

I fully agree that it sounds like there are issues in this relationship that need addressing. But I think to jump to the conclusion that this guy is some sort of nasty bully simply on the basis of one row is ludicrous. I also think to say he is some sort of habitually nasty drunk who frequents the pub all his life and should instead be sat at home listening to OP talk about horses at the mere age of 25 is ridiculous. He's young. Why shouldn't he have a life too? If the involves going to the pub a few nights per week with his mates, so be it.

Totally agree with Moomin's posts, especially this.
There's a lot of assumptions and accusations flying around in this thread. Not to mention the hypocrisy! - apparently OP has every right to choose to spend her money on her horse, but it's not okay for the boyfriend to choose to spend his money on socialising. He isn't allowed to complain about the horse, oh no, but it's ok for us to complain about him going to the pub!

Personally I think the relationship sounds pretty much doomed, because of attitudes on BOTH sides...

 

[Libby_x]

the advice isn't falling on death ears, I can confirm we're definitely not friends with benefits just because we're still living at home at 25 and I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed.

We get on very well, he in the past has been very helpful with the horses. But was a huge shock to get into a argument over the horse costs.

The relationship isn't failing because we haven't established financially what we're doing yet. Maybe my head is in the clouds but only a small number of my friends have managed to get on the housing ladder so far.

I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs? I think I've established I need to make sure I'm making my fair share of money to justify a horse if we're also going to start saving whether it to be renting or get a mortgage.

I do need to establish and have a good chat with him about the horse and my plans, this has all come to light now but no, I do not mind about him spending his money in the pub, it's unlikely to add up to the costs of my horse.

I am not in a position to sell as she's only 4 and after backing her last year, we're now recovering a field injury and not suited to a sharer or able to live out easily as very sensitive skin.

Thank you for all of the advice. I'll struggle to keep up with the post now Monday and back to work after the weekend and I'm not being rude, none of the help and advice has fallen on death ears. I'm just struggling to keep up and reply to everything.

 

[Moomin1]

the advice isn't falling on death ears, I can confirm we're definitely not friends with benefits just because we're still living at home at 25 and I wouldn't say the relationship is doomed.

We get on very well, he in the past has been very helpful with the horses. But was a huge shock to get into a argument over the horse costs.

The relationship isn't failing because we haven't established financially what we're doing yet. Maybe my head is in the clouds but only a small number of my friends have managed to get on the housing ladder so far.

I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs? I think I've established I need to make sure I'm making my fair share of money to justify a horse if we're also going to start saving whether it to be renting or get a mortgage.

I do need to establish and have a good chat with him about the horse and my plans, this has all come to light now but no, I do not mind about him spending his money in the pub, it's unlikely to add up to the costs of my horse.

I am not in a position to sell as she's only 4 and after backing her last year, we're now recovering a field injury and not suited to a sharer or able to live out easily as very sensitive skin.

Thank you for all of the advice. I'll struggle to keep up with the post now Monday and back to work after the weekend and I'm not being rude, none of the help and advice has fallen on death ears. I'm just struggling to keep up and reply to everything.

Sounds very sensible. Good luck OP.

 

[cootuk]

I haven't read all the thread, but if he baulks at £85pw then have you told him about vet bills?
Does the £85 also include shoeing, teeth, rugs etc?

I think anyone who has a partner into horses has to accept that it is a never ending money pit.
It does need a sort of blank cheque book approach.
You could argue that it's the price of a nice car, or really good holidays.
I would prefer the horse to those though

 

[Antw23uk]

Oh buy a property together with land and get a second horse ..... Then you'll be really happy!!!!! *grumbles* #husbandsapig

 

[Feival]

I think it has got something to do with him if they plan in saving for a house together. I really don't get this attitude where so many horsey women insist on 'he loves my horse or he goes'..

i dont expect my OH to love my horses, just that they are hugely important to me and she has to accept that. As the OP and her partner dont live together and share costs, it really is naff all to do with him, as it's OP's money and choice.

 

[Damnation]

I can see where he is coming from.

My OH knows how much my horse costs, and we live at his dads. But, like you we are trying to save for our own place together. My horse is retired so I don't have competitions, saddles, bridles, tack, shoes to worry about but the money still mounts up after dentist, worming, jabs, rugs, feed, livery and a recent huge vets bill!!

Perhaps he is just fustrated about how much it is costing vs you both being able to get your own space?

You sound very level headed about it so I think you both just need an open discussion regarding the costs and what you can afford to save.

I want a 2nd horse but that is on hold at the moment - Yes I could still afford to save right now but my worry is not being able to afford my share of the running costs when we do get our own place.

 

[tristar]

on the bloke front , next time he tells you horses are too expensive, jump up and down a bit, yell, pout, and stomp off after telling him that you don`t complain about him going to the pub, and the horse is better looking than he is anyway.

put yourself first, you are not committed to this person, stay friends, when he says about going somewhere on sunday say you are going to a horse show, and go.

work on your your own future and career.

if its a house you want, start looking at houses that need doing up, study the housing market, start now to get your eye in, and save what you can so when the moment comes you are ready to leap.

people underestimate the attachment horse people have for horses, and they don`t understand it, to some people it is something they cannot live without.

try to explain to the boyfriend how you feel about the horse, and the responsibility you feel in caring for its future, it shows you capable of carrying something through, tell him you are looking at the big picture relationship, home and horse and do not want be held back, you want to go for all and if he can`t keep up ask him not to get in your way.

he sounds very immature, its up to you to lead the way by being firm on this, when he sees you are clear thinking and confident in what you do and the decisions you make for YOURSELF he will respect you and learn to support you.

 

[cbmcts]

The one thing I'll say to the OP is that if you think £800 a month rent is expensive just imagine how much money is wasted in legal fees, stamp duty, estate agents etc if your first time living together is in a bought house and the relationship doesn't work out and you need to sell up in the first couple of years...

IME you can love someone to bits but living with anybody is a baptism of fire - there is so much to potentially fall out about especially if it's yours or their first time living independently with all the financial and practical stresses that come with it. Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.

My OH is not horsey or even really into animals ( allergic to animal hair so never had pets as a child and so on) but he accepts mine as they make me happy. We have separate finances - he is much better off and generally better with money than me, maybe because he's never had horses??? - but over the years various conversations have come up about costs and while never critical, he was horrified at some of the costs especially vets bills, oh and tack but he has always offered to cover costs if it would leave me short. I never had needed to accept the offer and would be very reluctant to do so as they aren't his responsibility but I appreciate the fact he is supportive. My EXH wasn't but what really grated was he thought he could spend as he wanted while criticising my choices, all money shortages were blamed on the animals but funnily enough when we split I kept the animals, paid the bills AND paid off the debts I was left with on a single salary, funny that.

If you do decide to move in together and share finances I would advise that you set up a budget where you both contribute to bills and are left a realistic equal personal spending budget that in your case would cover the cost of a horse with a bit left over and an agreement that both of you can spend your own money as you see fit. If you can't afford to do that it sadly looks like neither of you can afford to live together...

Finally, it does concern me that he is relying on his parents for his share of the deposit and not saving anything himself while feeling free to comment about the fact that you're not saving - a touch hypocritical and not a good omen for being financially compatible.

 

[Sugar_and_Spice]

I was more just wondering what people do when their partners do start to resent the horse costs?

I'll try to make it simpler. There's no action you can take to make him think differently, nothing you can actually *do*, except to see, and accept, the situation for what it is. What I do is I see it as the thin end of the wedge, a sign that he is not really a supportive person. A relationship with someone who isn't supportive is hell when something goes wrong, therefore I'd break up with him. For me, it's that simple. Love is not enough, you need compatibility too.

If the interest rates went up and it became tight to afford the mortgage, I don't want to live with someone who's first reaction is: we can't afford the horse, it has to go. For me, getting rid of the horse is a last resort, not the first choice.

Less than 100% supportive people are fine as friends or dating partners, but if I live with someone I want us both to be there for each other totally. I see pets as part of the family, so that means they'd have to be there for my horse too. If my horse is ill I want my current partners reaction of asking what he can do to help and discussing what the horse needs. Not someone who's first reaction is to focus on how much it will cost, or someone who will get stroppy at the cost. At such a time I'd need emotional support from my partner as I'd be worried about my ill horse, not someone who I felt I couldn't talk to because they resent the horses costs in general or someone who would be unsympathetic.

You live at home with your parents and pay your way there, you have a job and are working hard at your career, yet your partners attitude towards your horse makes you feel guilty and as if you should sell up, even though that's not what you want to do and you've actually nothing to feel guilty for. That's a bad sign IMO.

If you do move in with him I suggest renting for at least a year first, so you can be more certain whether you're cut out to live together or not. If you do decide to break up it's easier to walk away from a rented property, than to potentially be stuck living in the same house as your ex whilst they make selling the house more difficult than it has to be. It happens to lots of people, makes them miserable, stops them moving on as quickly emotionally, and sometimes lands them in financial trouble if the person who didn't instigate the break up stops paying their share out of spite. I wish I hadn't seen so many of my friends go through break ups, but it happens and those who got out largely unscathed were usually the ones who were renting.

 

[FfionWinnie]

The one thing I'll say to the OP is that if you think £800 a month rent is expensive just imagine how much money is wasted in legal fees, stamp duty, estate agents etc if your first time living together is in a bought house and the relationship doesn't work out and you need to sell up in the first couple of years...

IME you can love someone to bits but living with anybody is a baptism of fire - there is so much to potentially fall out about especially if it's yours or their first time living independently with all the financial and practical stresses that come with it. Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.

My OH is not horsey or even really into animals ( allergic to animal hair so never had pets as a child and so on) but he accepts mine as they make me happy. We have separate finances - he is much better off and generally better with money than me, maybe because he's never had horses??? - but over the years various conversations have come up about costs and while never critical, he was horrified at some of the costs especially vets bills, oh and tack but he has always offered to cover costs if it would leave me short. I never had needed to accept the offer and would be very reluctant to do so as they aren't his responsibility but I appreciate the fact he is supportive. My EXH wasn't but what really grated was he thought he could spend as he wanted while criticising my choices, all money shortages were blamed on the animals but funnily enough when we split I kept the animals, paid the bills AND paid off the debts I was left with on a single salary, funny that.

If you do decide to move in together and share finances I would advise that you set up a budget where you both contribute to bills and are left a realistic equal personal spending budget that in your case would cover the cost of a horse with a bit left over and an agreement that both of you can spend your own money as you see fit. If you can't afford to do that it sadly looks like neither of you can afford to live together...

Finally, it does concern me that he is relying on his parents for his share of the deposit and not saving anything himself while feeling free to comment about the fact that you're not saving - a touch hypocritical and not a good omen for being financially compatible.

Very wise advice, OP listen to your elders. We've been there and made the mistakes already.

 

[Libby_x]

Thank you. I did mention to him a few months ago that even if we do save for a mortgage, I think we should rent for a year first. Completely understand your advice and very helpful.

 

[Moomin1]

i dont expect my OH to love my horses, just that they are hugely important to me and she has to accept that. As the OP and her partner dont live together and share costs, it really is naff all to do with him, as it's OP's money and choice.

In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub. And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together. Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily. In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices. Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same. But others aren't so lucky.

 

[meleeka]

Thank you. I did mention to him a few months ago that even if we do save for a mortgage, I think we should rent for a year first. Completely understand your advice and very helpful.

That's a great idea. It is very true that you don't really know someone until you live with them.

 

[DabDab]

Very wise advice, OP listen to your elders. We've been there and made the mistakes already.

Yep, completely agree - the single wisest thing I have ever done in my life is keep my finances separate from every partner I have had. Either I owned the house or he did, I've always paid the mortgage in my own house and then bills were split so that eg. I paid the electric and he paid council tax, broadband and water. It has allowed me to always stay independent and meant that even when neither of us was very well off, money never really became an issue for argument, and I was never under any pressure to stay in a relationship that was no longer working.

I have a truly wonderful relationship now, but we still have separate finances. Because I have horses he is usually better off than me, but there has been the occasional month where I've had to lend him some money to tide him over after a big purchase etc.

 

[Cocorules]

Even at my very advanced age now I wouldn't move in with a newish OH and buy a house at the same time, renting may be seen as dead money but entwining your finances at this point in your life could be a huge mistake that takes a long time to recover from.

This is sensible. Your boyfriend maybe great and this may be a one off. However living together is very different to dating. There is a reason so many people have replied saying be careful rather than compromise. It is because it is too a common an experience to find that you do aĺl the compromising and treading on eggshells in case he gets upset about the horse or anything else.

You haven't said that it is like this but only you know what it is like. If it isn't as you want it take heed now and if it gets like this in future walk sooner than later.

It is the voice of multiple experience that is resulting in posts like this saying take care. As so many people have stayed longer in a relationship than was right for them. To avoid this get to know what you each really want from life. How you envisage dealing with money and responsibilities. If he wants to travel for example and you cannot afford it with a horse, you are both better off knowing that now.

Hopefully yours is a relationship where you do want the same things and he is as genuinely happy to support you with your horse as you are to support him in his social life. Just don't ignore what should be signs that things aren't right for you or for him in the name of "compromise". It is how you get into and continue with a bad relationship. In a good relationship as with a good friendship you don't really feel as though you have to sacrifice anything.

Again hopefully this just doesn't apply to your relationship.

 

[little_critter]

He has a "hobby" he drinks his disposable income rather than saving it, his parents may be able to contribute but that does not mean he has a reason to tell you what to do, I did have some sympathy for his point of view but if he "hates horses" that will be between you forever and will probably mean that if you give up this one to save for your future you will never have the chance to get another because he will always have something better to spend money on, if he really hates them it will be a case of him or a horse, with that attitude plus the fact he has saved nothing I am afraid I would continue with the horse as I suspect the relationship will end before too long.

One of my liveries was with a partner who had no interest in her horse, he would not compromise at all so they parted ways, she now has a lovely partner who is taking an interest, is prepared to go forward knowing that the horse needs to be paid for so their first home may be not as nice as it could be but he also knows the horse makes her happy which makes him happy, he is now getting to be fairly competent around the yard and I think is enjoying learning new skills.

Just because your partner isn't interested in horses doesn't me it can't work. Mine doesn't 'hate' horses but has no interest in them at all (or any other animal). He cycles for his hobby so he amuses himself with that and I go and play ponies! We have been together 22 years... I think it's working ok

However, my thoughts on the post... Initially I thought your OH had a point ref spending more money on horses rather than save for your future together, then I read that he doesn't save anything at all so he has no leg to stand on in my eyes.
If you want this to work out then I think you need to sit down together and work out what you will each save to put towards a home. If you earn the same money then each put the same amount in. If you earn different amounts then maybe put a percentage of your pay in (eg you both contribute 10% of your wages) The remainder is yours and his to spend as you please.
As I say... first decide if you want this to work out between you.

 

[Amye]

I agree with Sugar_And_spice's last post.

OP I think you need to sit down with your OH and actually work out a plan if you want to move in together. It's all well and good saying to each other 'let's move in together soon..' and him saying 'my parents will stump up the money'. You need to actually sit down and talk about it and he probably needs to talk to his parents too to make sure they're happy to stump up a load of money.

I agree that he does need to be supportive on the horse front. I CAN see his point of view, if he's expecting to get a place soon and then realises because of the money you're spending on the horse it's not going to happen, it could be a bit disappointed/annoyed and I can see how that could have turned into a row. But, if you're going to spend your life together/plan on moving in together then he needs to understand that horses also need to be paid for and how important they are to you. This isn't me saying 'if he doesn't like it he has to go', just that you both need to come to an understanding and have a plan of how you're going to save together for a place. And when you get a place how you're going to afford it.

Me and my OH recently bought a house together. We both don't have massively well paid jobs but we got a plan together on how much we were going to save and how much things were going to cost and stuck to it. We both have similar paid jobs so put the same amount of money aside for the deposit. I'm very luckily that my OH accepts that my horse is part of the package and is happy to pay for his day to day care out of our 'joint money' (money we put in a pot for bills/mortgage etc), any extras I want to buy come out of my spending money. My parents also helped us out with a bit of the deposit money, but I still saved myself and my parents just 'topped us up' so we could afford a better deposit. I do think he needs to think about putting some money aside not just relying on his parents to pay for his half... We didn't see it as me putting in a larger contribution because it was MY parents who could afford to help us out.. we saw it as my parents equally helping us both out because they wanted us both to be happy in our new home.

 

[Cecile]

In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub. And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together. Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily. In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices. Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same. But others aren't so lucky.

I was much more concerned with how the OP was confused by the shouting and nastiness and then asked whether it could be the drink talking, if it was the drink talking or booze makes him shout or be nasty this is a problem that he needs to address, debating about the future, money or what you want or don't want is one thing but shouting and being nasty is uncalled for

If someone/anyone came into my house and had been drinking or not, if they started shouting or being nasty they would be put out like an empty milk bottle and asked to come back when they were calmer/sober/sensible

Good idea to rent for a while until you know this man very well OP

 

[DabDab]

In that case it's naff all to do with her, you, or anybody else whether he spends his money in the pub. And as already pointed out by OP, the issue has stemmed from the fact that they are planning to move in together. Therefore I would say it has got something to do with him what their future finances will entail.

Has nobody ever heard of anyone who has got married, house, kids etc and had to give up their horses before? It's very common and hardly the sign of 'being controlled' necessarily. In some instances yes, but in many, it's simply a case of moving forward with life and making sacrifices. Personally I've been very lucky and have managed to keep all aspects of my life the same. But others aren't so lucky.

Yes, but the ones who stayed happy while making sacrifices, were the ones who made the decision themselves to do that, not because they felt like they should be getting on with a relationship.

The OP does sound like she is looking at sacrifices at the moment - she's contemplating 5 day livery to give her more of an opportunity to put time into her career. The relationship on the other hand is playing second (or third) fiddle. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with making that decision or set of priorities. However, it doesn't sound like the boyfriend is in the same head space, and he may be having a bit of a crisis about where his life is going, and is projecting that onto his partner - hence the sudden issue with the horse.

If the OP wishes to concentrate on career and horse and the boyfriend wants to concentrate on house, marriage and kids the this disagreement is just the beginning of one hell of a lot of angst between them and/or one of the couple ending up sacrificing beyond where they feel comfortable or happy.

Working towards a joint future does not necessarily mean that future has to be getting a joint mortgage and having kids. There are other things to strive for as a couple.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?

I'm only 5 years older than you OP, but still my priority in my twenties was being able to stand on my own two feet and be independent of my parents. When I graduated from uni I parted with my horse as I felt it was far more important to establish my career and at the end of the day a horse is a luxury (and yes, I too have had horses all my life). I was 25 when I was finally in a position to have a horse of my own again, and whilst he wanted for nothing he was kept on a shoestring budget. It took a couple of years to reach a point where I could afford a horse on full livery, and that's down to having a relatively high powered job with long hours and an even longer commute which fortunately affords me this luxury. In honesty it's the only way I can justify owning a horse these days as there's just not enough hours in the day otherwise!

I think it's worth sitting down and having a think about your long term goals OP. Irrelevant of your OH, I think it would be good for you to consider where you see yourself in 3-5years. Are you and your parents happy with you living there long term i.e. into your thirties, or do you want to own your own house in that time? If it's the latter, what do you need to be putting aside each month to afford that?

 

[Moomin1]

Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?

I'm only 5 years older than you OP, but still my priority in my twenties was being able to stand on my own two feet and be independent of my parents. When I graduated from uni I parted with my horse as I felt it was far more important to establish my career and at the end of the day a horse is a luxury (and yes, I too have had horses all my life). I was 25 when I was finally in a position to have a horse of my own again, and whilst he wanted for nothing he was kept on a shoestring budget. It took a couple of years to reach a point where I could afford a horse on full livery, and that's down to having a relatively high powered job with long hours and an even longer commute which fortunately affords me this luxury. In honesty it's the only way I can justify owning a horse these days as there's just not enough hours in the day otherwise!

I think it's worth sitting down and having a think about your long term goals OP. Irrelevant of your OH, I think it would be good for you to consider where you see yourself in 3-5years. Are you and your parents happy with you living there long term i.e. into your thirties, or do you want to own your own house in that time? If it's the latter, what do you need to be putting aside each month to afford that?

Completely agree. And adding OH into the equation here...that may well be exactly what he is thinking too. I cannot fathom why so many on this thread talk as if having the horse is a given right and everything else should fall around it.