Partner not happy about horse costs

[MotherOfChickens]

Tbh I would be more concerned at 25 that OP can't afford to live independently of her parents and is considering upping the current costs of her horse, rather than considering setting aside a reasonable amount each month to enable her to buy or rent a place of her own. Surely the benefit of living with your parents at that age is to enable you to save a decent amount of money to set you up for getting on the property ladder?

glad someone said it. I was out of home at 16, car at 19, mortgage at 25, dog at 26, horse at 34 (would have been earlier except I went to uni at 28). There's no way I would have had a horse before the mortgage (and I was single) and no way I'd have lived with my parents in my 20s. And it was pre minimum wage and Cambridge rents.

 

[ycbm]

Completely agree. And adding OH into the equation here...that may well be exactly what he is thinking too. I cannot fathom why so many on this thread talk as if having the horse is a given right and everything else should fall around it.

Me four.

Also is worth noting, I think, that the OH did not throw his toys out of his pram at the cost of the horse, which is what people are saying. That, he has accepted for three years at least. He threw his toys out of his pram at the suggestion that she was going to increase the cost of the horse when he thought they were supposed to be working towards moving in together.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

glad someone said it. I was out of home at 16, car at 19, mortgage at 25, dog at 26, horse at 34 (would have been earlier except I went to uni at 28). There's no way I would have had a horse before the mortgage (and I was single) and no way I'd have lived with my parents in my 20s. And it was pre minimum wage and Cambridge rents.

Yup sadly bills and rent are a fact of life and my parents brought me up to understand if I couldn't afford them, I most definitely couldn't afford a horse! I've done the whole barely making ends meet with a London job and rent, where I'm pretty sure I barely broke even most months (and was only saved thanks to my fee free graduate overdraft!). I still remember sitting down one day and thinking that actually living in London wasn't for me as deep down all I wanted was a place with affordable rent and enough money left over to have a horse again. I did the maths, worked out what I needed to earn and 3 months later had bagged the job I needed outside of the city to start making that dream a reality. It was a steep learning curve, but one I'm eternally grateful for as it taught me how to budget and live within my means.

 

[ester]

I do think it is ok for people to have different plans and priorities though. I never intended to have a horse, he was/is still owned by mum on the basis that my parents decided to build next to grans paddock and it made sense to have 2 horses between 3 riders.
However for me he has brought me more sanity and support than a partner ever would so I have been able to have that degree of selfishness to do what is best for me. I'm sensible with money but also it was very important life was worth living.
Also with regards to saving due to my current situation I'm pleased I haven't spent the last 5 years just doing surviving (having seen the effect on others of doing that too) in order to save for an ever increasing house deposit.

 

[Moomin1]

I do think it is ok for people to have different plans and priorities though. I never intended to have a horse, he was/is still owned by mum on the basis that my parents decided to build next to grans paddock and it made sense to have 2 horses between 3 riders.
However for me he has brought me more sanity and support than a partner ever would so I have been able to have that degree of selfishness to do what is best for me. I'm sensible with money but also it was very important life was worth living.
Also with regards to saving due to my current situation I'm pleased I haven't spent the last 5 years just doing surviving (having seen the effect on others of doing that too) in order to save for an ever increasing house deposit.

Of course it's OK for people to have different plans and priorities. That's why it's important OP and her OH discuss it and decide what they want to do. But for her OH to be branded a bully for simply getting narked at the situation is highly unfair IMO.

 

[ester]

No I agree, I've been reading your posts nodding and tbf that doesnt happen that often

 

[Moomin1]

No I agree, I've been reading your posts nodding and tbf that doesnt happen that often

Lol, are you feeling OK?

 

[Ellietotz]

Haven't read every single reply so not sure what the conclusion has ended up being.
I am a couple of years younger than you and although I live with my partner in rented accommodation, have done for 4 years, I've found that a lot of people in their mid-twenties these days are still living at home to save for a mortgage. Rents these days are so high, it takes even longer to save to get at least a 5% deposit and even then, you can't get a decent mortgage for much more than a studio flat. If you have the option of still living at home, a lot will take that chance so they can save!
My partner originally didn't like me spending a lot of money on my horse but he has learnt that nothing will change! As long as I can afford my bills, it's really not his business what my earnings go on but I always make sure I don't spend every last penny on my mare, as much as I want to. Every week we have a set day that we spend with each other so someone will cover my duties at the yard. This keeps us both happy and we can still have a good work/life/horse life balance. We both make sure our bills are always paid and that we have money to spend for days out, meals and so on as well as having money for our own personal interests.
I don't know what the back story is with your partner and why he got annoyed, is he wanting to get a place with you? If so, I can understand that. I would get annoyed with my partner if we were saving up for something and he then spent it all on something else without putting some aside, same if it was the other way round. Just need to work out that balance and compromise. If you both have plans that require money, you need to negotiate on what you spend on the horse and what goes into your future with him.

 

[Libby_x]

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer.

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

 

[Moomin1]

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer.

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

I was out of the family home by 19. Admittedly it was to go to uni, but I never returned to the family home. When I came out of uni I lived in a grotty bedsit working all hours. I then managed to get a grotty 1 bed flat which was an improvement. I then managed to buy a ramshackle car working 3 jobs. I certainly couldn't have afforded a My Little Pony never mind a real one. Fast forward 13 years and I have my own house, 2 kids (well, one and other one due in a matter of weeks), 2 step kids, horse, 4 x4, and have gone to part time in my career. But I have had to compromise and sacrifice to get there. Even more so now I'm part time.

 

[Libby_x]

I've always had a horse and not in a position I can sell the horse I've got now. There's no way I could afford to rent anywhere around me with my current situation.

 

[KittenInTheTree]

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer.

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

No, several of that age group in my extended family lived at home and paid in to the household until their early to mid-twenties, whilst saving and establishing their career paths. All have since gone on to live independently, but most chose to rent rather than buy.

 

[DabDab]

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer.

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

You're doing fine, and trying to build up your career and get yourself financially independent is absolutely OK (and very sensible long term). You just have to be honest with your OH that these are your goals in the next couple of years, and understand whether that genuinely works for him too. It's unfair to him to just keep carrying on and hoping it will all work out if he has a very different vision of your next few years together.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

I'm surprised by that. The majority of my friends flew the nest after uni. A handful returned after graduating but that was to enable them to save in order to get on the property ladder. Personally I don't know of anyone out of my friendship group that chose to live in the family home without putting money aside for the future, but perhaps things have changed.

With regard to the added costs, only you know what you can afford and what your priorities are. Worst case your livery bill increases by £65p/m, but if like you say this frees up more time for overtime which will in turn cover the additional costs and enable you to put some money into savings then I can see your logic.

 

[Merlod]

To go on full livery (5 days a week) is a £10/15 increase and allows more time in the week to work overtime and concentrate on work. I'm not exactly doing it just to live at home longer.

I don't know many people out of the family home before their 20. Maybe I'm from a different planet ?!

I am about your age and I agree entirely, out of my friend group 1 is renting and 1 is in the process or buying her first house with her partner (+ big help from her parents) it's very difficult. I moved back home after splitting with my last partner who I rented house with; I don’t see the point in moving out currently as I can’t afford to buy and don’t want to plough all my money into renting somewhere on my lonesome when I get on well with my parents and to be completely honest I am happy to be back in my large, rural childhood home (no waking up to having my car broken into/smashed!)

 

[Clodagh]

I'm surprised by that. The majority of my friends flew the nest after uni. A handful returned after graduating but that was to enable them to save in order to get on the property ladder. Personally I don't know of anyone out of my friendship group that chose to live in the family home without putting money aside for the future, but perhaps things have changed.

With regard to the added costs, only you know what you can afford and what your priorities are. Worst case your livery bill increases by £65p/m, but if like you say this frees up more time for overtime which will in turn cover the additional costs and enable you to put some money into savings then I can see your logic.

Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.

 

[Moomin1]

Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.

OP and her OH are 25.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

Not many people have finished uni by 20 though, unless they are prodigys.

OP and her OH are 25.

Yes sorry, I read it as in their 20s as the OP stated she was 25.

 

[Libby_x]

I went to uni a year late and job nothing to do with degree / hasn't really helped me yet. There's no way I could have moved out after uni as was waitressing and had unsteady jobs until past 3 years.

 

[Moomin1]

I went to uni a year late and job nothing to do with degree / hasn't really helped me yet. There's no way I could have moved out after uni as was waitressing and had unsteady jobs until past 3 years.

That's exactly what I was doing when I left uni. Waitress and chambermaid. Such a poor wage, hence having to live in a grotty bedsit.

I do think kids have it easier these days and it's not a criticism but it seems alien to so many that they should have to cut their cloth and go without until they are more settled.

That said, I can understand your predicament with a horse who you say you cannot sell currently.

 

[ycbm]

I've always had a horse and not in a position I can sell the horse I've got now. There's no way I could afford to rent anywhere around me with my current situation.

Whereabouts are you?

 

[Libby_x]

Northamptonshire. I don't mean the rent is particularly high compared to other places but I just don't have enough spare money at present to rent. I do budget and work out what I've got each month but renting right now would land me with a big credit card.

 

[Chloeap]

I am about your age and I agree entirely, out of my friend group 1 is renting and 1 is in the process or buying her first house with her partner (+ big help from her parents) it's very difficult. I moved back home after splitting with my last partner who I rented house with; I don’t see the point in moving out currently as I can’t afford to buy and don’t want to plough all my money into renting somewhere on my lonesome when I get on well with my parents and to be completely honest I am happy to be back in my large, rural childhood home (no waking up to having my car broken into/smashed!)

I agree with this. I'm also still living at home at 23, not rushing to move out as I'd have to live on my own and I get on with my parents. It also means I can afford to pursue my eventing dreams, which from a non-horsey family I've never been able to do. One day I'd like a family and I don't feel I'd be able to juggle that with a horse, so I really do feel that now is the best time to give eventing a go and I simply couldn't afford that and living alone. Everyone has their own priorities though!

 

[DabDab]

That's exactly what I was doing when I left uni. Waitress and chambermaid. Such a poor wage, hence having to live in a grotty bedsit.

I do think kids have it easier these days and it's not a criticism but it seems alien to so many that they should have to cut their cloth and go without until they are more settled.

That said, I can understand your predicament with a horse who you say you cannot sell currently.

And that was your choice. I can't see much difference between a bedsit/shared house and paying your family rent TBH. I moved out when I was 17, but I didn't live on my own, and for first few years I was housed by work. When I was first on my own I was restricted to a disintegrating caravan on a potato farm because it was the only accommodation I could afford where I was allowed to have my dog. I could've got rid of the dog, or let my parents have her, but I didn't want to - so I lived in a leaky caravan with a loo that froze over and a non functioning cooker - that was my choice.

 

[cbmcts]

In fairness, those talking about being independent in their 20s are now probably at least mid 30s if not older - I bought my first flat when I was 23, earning £12k or thereabouts and while it felt like the national debt of a small country at the time and interest rates were a lot higher it was very affordable. IIRC I had a 10% deposit - £4K!!! - but all the fees and survey costs were added to the mortgage so I didn't have to save them. £4k was hard enough at the time. If I was that age now, earning a graduate salary of £20 - 25K, there is no way I could afford to save the deposit and fees and pay rent even if I could afford the payments on a mortgage of £120K unless I lived on next to nothing ie at home for a few years...and even then it would be tough. And I've never had student loan repayments either. It ain't easy or cheap to start adult life now.

By the sounds of things, the OP has the problem that she isn't going to earn enough in the near future to live independently AND keep a horse. Her OH doesn't like this but he is also living at home and spending rather than saving his disposable income so can he afford to live independently either if he doesn't want to sit in rather than go to the pub? If both gave up their hobbies to firstly save, then pay the bills ( never underestimate just how much a house costs to run especially when you own it) would either of them be happy with that lifestyle in the long term? It's very easy to think that you should be hitting all the milestones of adult life at certain ages/points in your careers but life often doesn't work like that. Imagine for a moment that you forget about buying a house right now and that you didn't need a rental deposit/LA fees could you, as a couple afford to run a house and pay all the bills? If not, moving in together just isn't an option right now. It really comes down to priorities, yours is to keep your horse - nothing wrong with that, as you say you've had horses all your life, they matter a lot to you - but you are prioritising the horse over moving on with your relationship and financial independence which your OH doesn't like. It's not really about an extra few quid a week, it's about yours and his priorities being different and that will always cause issues.

Now, as you said investing that few quid in livery if it allows you to earn more and progress your career to a point where you can afford both the horse and a house is a good thing but you need to talk to your OH and see if you can compromise on a timeline to move in together. Both of you are entitled to want different things but for the future of your relationship you do need to be able to discuss these things rationally and sensibly - moving in together is only the very first part of a life time of consideration and compromise. If you can't sort this out now both of you might be finding out that you aren't compatable. This doesn't make either of you bad people or selfish, just not right for each other at this point in your lives. Sad but a lot better to find out now rather than when you have a joint mortgage.

 

[Moomin1]

And that was your choice. I can't see much difference between a bedsit/shared house and paying your family rent TBH. I moved out when I was 17, but I didn't live on my own, and for first few years I was housed by work. When I was first on my own I was restricted to a disintegrating caravan on a potato farm because it was the only accommodation I could afford where I was allowed to have my dog. I could've got rid of the dog, or let my parents have her, but I didn't want to - so I lived in a leaky caravan with a loo that froze over and a non functioning cooker - that was my choice.

Actually, it wasn't my choice.

 

[DabDab]

Actually, it wasn't my choice.

Ok, then I don't see the relevance to the OP's situation or your comment about young people.

There are all sorts of interesting and different ways that people choose to live their lives. Can't we judge people by what they've had the guts and ambition to go out and make happen rather than by the amount of sacrifices they've made?

 

[Moomin1]

Ok, then I don't see the relevance to the OP's situation or your comment about young people.

There are all sorts of interesting and different ways that people choose to live their lives. Can't we judge people by what they've had the guts and ambition to go out and make happen rather than by the amount of sacrifices they've made?

The relevance being that not everyone can have everything they want without working up to it in life. Not necessarily talking about OP here but the general attitude of some posts on this thread.

 

[Abi90]

I think the OP is lucky to have such supportive parents. My parents would not be happy about me increasing spending on a horse if it meant prolonging the amount of time I lived with them. In fact my Dad definitely would have made me sell the horse.

I'm only 2 years older than the OP but I left home at 18 for uni, came back for 6 months until I found the first job that paid enough for me to move out (was pretty much forced into it as Dad was going to charge me £500 a month rent to live with them) and moved 120 miles away to somewhere I knew no one and had to live alone. As you can tell by that, having a horse would not have been tolerated as horses are a luxury after bills and after you have saved enough to move out. It before.

I then got a higher paid job and saved enough to buy a house and a horse at 25. Whilst not living with parents.

The OP is lucky to be in the position she is with parents that will support her hobby even if it is increasing the amount of time she lives at home. My parents were perhaps particularly unsupportive but I'm better off financially because of it.

 

[TheOldTrout]

OP, I might have missed this in the long thread, but have you and your OH spoken yet about what happened when he blew up at you about the horse costs?