Please excuse me while I die of idiot disease.

No more whelks!!!



I am whelk free after a FABULOUS mornings cubbing on my lovely old age pensioner! (that actually sounds a bit revolting...)



I am going to strap on a pair and move on from the sausage incident, and I shall be all sparkly and fab next time I see FF, and my mother will be locked away somewhere.


Incidentally, the ex came out with the MOST hilarious load of tripe this morning, which I though you perveypants would enjoy - "hey now, it's like tomatoes on the vine down there, it's just that the vine's not very big...and they're cherry tomatoes".


I assure you, we're actually talking beef tomatoes. But still, he's a funny one!
 
I wonder if its too late to get Starzaan into the New years honours list. She must be saving the NHS a small fortune in antidepressants and any recovery in the economy will be due entirely to the soaring share price of Tena lady, replacement mugs of lost tea/coffee/ovaltine/wine (delete as necessary) and repairs to keyboards and laptops! Add to that the boost to the publishing and film industries.....
 
Starzaan, you need to ditch the whelks and get a bucket of oysters! Well known aphrodisiac (sp), immerse head in these for a while and FF will find you irresistible.
 
glad to hear you've abandoned the whelks... and the waxed lemons for that matter....

meant to ask... did the morag restrainer undergo surgery or was the accident fatal?

tbh though....if FF hasn't got the message yet then I'd seriously consider if he needs a trip to specsavers and maybe also to a mental health specialist for therapy to work out why he's missed your attempts to waft your morags in his direction. :D:D
 
:D Eyes are leaking profusely, ribs are aching, can't breathe, please, STOP making me laugh quite so hard. This should be a prescribed giggle thread.
 
The morag restrainer's injuries weren't terminal... it's just a bit mangled and held together with orange (!) thread!!!

It got an outing last night.... but we shan't dwell on the fact that I am a slaggypants with my morags all akimbo!

My darling mother had a chat with the mechanic last night... when I asked what she'd been doing to get her beautiful Chanel shirt all muddy, she replied "dogging".

A bit of light dogging in the afternoon.



Nice.


Thank GOD he doesn't scare as easily as FF.
 
LMAO.

I have tea over my keyboard.

Sausages and now dogging....shall HHO contribute together and hire her a stripper or something to get it all outher system?

OR hire the FF for it?

ETA - Rereading that, I'm sure you dont want your mother to have the benefit of the FF....so scrap that!!! Stripper it is.
 
Oh Starzaan, God bless you.

This reminds me of the time when my brother's friend, who I was INSANELY besotted with, turned up at our house. I sat there trying to be all desirable and lovely and my mother shot me in the eye with an elastic band. Bint.

Look on the bright side, now when FF falls madly in love with you, you'll know he wants even when you look awful. My boyfriend started seeing me when I was fatter, now I feel like I have a good stone's worth of safety barrier, haha. You will have several levels of mingingness as a safety barrier. :D
 
HollyWoozle said:
Oh Starzaan, God bless you.

This reminds me of the time when my brother's friend, who I was INSANELY besotted with, turned up at our house. I sat there trying to be all desirable and lovely and my mother shot me in the eye with an elastic band. Bint.

Look on the bright side, now when FF falls madly in love with you, you'll know he wants even when you look awful. My boyfriend started seeing me when I was fatter, now I feel like I have a good stone's worth of safety barrier, haha. You will have several levels of mingingness as a safety barrier. :D
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YOU are a genius and I love you.




a lot.
 
Starzaan said:
YOU are a genius and I love you.




a lot.
Click to expand...

:D

It's true though, everytime I stuff one too many hobnobs/cupcakes/anything calorific I can get my hands on, I think "oh well, he loved me as a fatty anyway and I'm still an improvement on that."

As for the mother shooting me with an elastic band, she thought it was absolutely hilarious. Then again, this is the same mother who enters rooms pretending to be Ziva from NCIS, her hands formed into a gun shape, sweeps the room and shouts "clear!". She also does a great Cpt Picard imitation... "make it so."

Starzaan, I feel that our mothers should be friends... or put away somewhere together... in a box.
 
I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!
 
Starzaan said:
I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!
Click to expand...

I think the padded cell could be arranged.

As for depressing movies, my brother once tried to cheer me up with Black Hawk Down because "Orlando Bloom is in it!". Orlando falls out of a helicopter about ten minutes in and from then on, it's enough to make you reach for the Prozac.

Nigella's Kitchen starts in a minute... if that doesn't sway you further towards lesbianism then I don't know what will.
 
HollyWoozle said:
I think the padded cell could be arranged.

As for depressing movies, my brother once tried to cheer me up with Black Hawk Down because "Orlando Bloom is in it!". Orlando falls out of a helicopter about ten minutes in and from then on, it's enough to make you reach for the Prozac.

Nigella's Kitchen starts in a minute... if that doesn't sway you further towards lesbianism then I don't know what will.
Click to expand...


But the marshmallows melting on it look sooooo nice....

I remember having to be made to try and watch that too....I couldn't have even told you I knew Orlando was in it!!! :o
 
Shitty Saturday thus far, and Thankyou (again) for this, I am sat here, biting my hand (again) trying not to snort too loudly, tears pouring down my face (again)

OH (who I am not speaking to because he is an arse) sees tears, thinks I am crying because of him now (pah! Pigs. Flying. :mad:) He is quite bemused how someone being shot in the eye with a rubber band by a Picard imitating mother in a box can be funny, I haven't even attempted the whelks, morags or any other explanations.
 
Starzaan said:
Sadly, I would choose FF over anyone.

Bloody FF. Bloody mother.

Bloody sausages.


(and no MrsM, the sausage dance does not follow the welly dance, although if another section of the sausage dance followed the welly dance, I would not be complaining!!!!)
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Thank you. It's late (or early, depends on how one looks at it) and I needed that.... :D:D:D. Now have far too many images in my head, not all good(!), to get to sleep again. Pah.

Will off and Google 'Welly Dance' and see what comes up (there's no way on this earth that I'm Googling 'Sausage Dance'! :eek::eek:).
 
Starzaan said:
I think my mother needs to be locked in a padded cell, would yours be ok with that??


I'm watching the MOST depressing movie in the history of the world... everyone has died already, and it's only half an hour in! My morags can't take the stress!
Click to expand...

Ahh, but when morags are under stress I believe they start heaving, like a dramatic tavern wench's busom...

I am of the understanding that menfolk quite like this!
 
I hope you're all happy now, you've turned me into a blithering idiot. Take a moment, if you will, to imagine what you have created.... for FF seduction purposes, I am now sporting...

wellies two sizes too big
sexysexy knicknacks
tweed coat
turquoise morag restrainer (complete with emergency orange thread)
morag tassles with "I heart FF" emblazoned on them
heaving, quivering morags
windswept and interesting hair
a stray whelk on the thigh
sausage clutched in my hot little hand


I am a vision.
 
Allover said:
FFS Starzaan we cant cope with the men in your life, please dont add women to the mix aswell!!!:D
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But she made jelly and then wobbled it all seductive like... and her morags are ALWAYS quivering.

I HATE PRAWNS, but when Nigella tells me they're little pink jewels bursting with juicy yumminess, I want a bucket of prawns.
 
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