Roll up! Roll up!! Get the answer you're looking for RIGHT here. NO problem too big..

rubysmum said:
i have heard that my dressage scores will improve if i attach some dead sheep to my horse - please will you clarify what parts of a dead sheep i should attach & where:)
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No no no, that's all wrong; your dressage scores are rubbish because your horse is dead CHEAP!! Get yourself a really expensive warmblood. Dressage judges love spirited horses so get one that's as wild as possible or 'expressive' and 'flashy' as they describe it and Bob's your uncle; you'll be up there with Carl Hester and Laura B in no time at all! ;)
 
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Thistle said:
Dear Petrolhead

I'll answer this as I know PF is busy. What about the environment? How dare you think of using a car to tow with. What's wrong with towing it behind your bicycle, or harnessing up the dog.

Think green my friend

greenbunnyhuggero
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You're absolutely correct greenbunnyhuggero; there is absolutely NO need to tow a trailer with a car at all. Think of your carbon footprint!! Where would common-folk like yourselves be without celebrities like me to provide moral guidance? Now, I must nip out on my world-wide book-signing and demo tour. I've chartered concorde, dontcha know :)
 
Dear PF,
My new ponio likes to play piggy back with my freinds little girlie. He is 7ft8 and she is only 5ft and im worried she is two small to carrie him. How can i incorrige him too give her a piggyback insted?

(You have no idea how hard it is typing that on an iPhone that wants to autocorrect everything!)
 
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Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?
 
I have a piglet I am fattening up for christmas. She is getting too fat to fit in her kennel now - do you recon I could put her in the field with my horses and she could sleep in their field shelter. Do you think this would desensitise my horses to pigs?

This is actually a serious question by the way...
 
humblepie said:
Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?
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Personally I reckon it was the result of a sad accident with a cigarette lighter in the process of catching the Squeaky pony. A couple of posters may be walking a little funny this morning.

*walks away humming "Ring of Fire"*
 
I don't believe it! Both Paul and Edward have pulled out of the most fantastic deal ever. My gorgeous boy failed his 5 star vetting. Only problem is - they said his ears are too big! I don't know what they mean!

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Should I trim them down a bit or do you have an alternative career for him?

You said he was so like Totilas. Maybe Laura B would be interested? Keep him in the UK!

Still waiting for the passport to prove his parentage. Do you think I was duped when I bought him? Maybe he is a rabbit.
 
annagain said:
Dear PF,
My new ponio likes to play piggy back with my freinds little girlie. He is 7ft8 and she is only 5ft and im worried she is two small to carrie him. How can i incorrige him too give her a piggyback insted?

(You have no idea how hard it is typing that on an iPhone that wants to autocorrect everything!)
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I'm sorry to say that if your ponio has no rights :( If she hasn't karate-chopped him in the groin then it's the same as consent and he can slap her on the bottom, make lewd whinnies and lech at her at his heart's content. I suggest that you show her my DVD set; "Self-Empowerment for the Non-Confrontational Ponio" and "How To Make that Gelding Your Bitch" so she can sort him out. Good luck! :)
 
humblepie said:
Driving through Hertfordshire on Friday afternoon I was slightly concerned as to the bright glow in the sky - is the sun despite the overcast day....no I now realise it was PF enlightening us all......or was it PF's banana stick factory glowing in the distance.

So PF should I wear dark glasses at all times in Herfordshire even at night?
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Ah yes, that was the self-congratulatory smugness radiating from my every pore :)
 
Dear PF~
I am writing you to ask about a hefty problem. My little girl has a lovely Welsh section B that is 12.2hh and quite rotund. She is a bit prone to laminitis, but has been fine since we've had her. The flapjacks seem to be doing the trick. My question is - do you think it would be ok for me to ride her? I'm only 11 stone and 5'8, and I've heard that ponios are quite hardy little things. Is there a special dvd or measuring device you have that will let me know?
Thanks in advance! :D

ponysquasherextrordinaire
 
Inky_and_Sunny said:
I have a piglet I am fattening up for christmas. She is getting too fat to fit in her kennel now - do you recon I could put her in the field with my horses and she could sleep in their field shelter. Do you think this would desensitise my horses to pigs?

This is actually a serious question by the way...
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I take all queries very seriously. Coincidentally, I've just written a book called "What do I do When the Piggio I'm Fattening Up for Christmas Gets Too Big For her Kennel? Can I Put Her In The Field With My Horses to Desensitise Them?"
I won't spoil the ending for you; some people really hate that ;) It's available online for £34.50
 
Snoozinsusan said:
I don't believe it! Both Paul and Edward have pulled out of the most fantastic deal ever. My gorgeous boy failed his 5 star vetting. Only problem is - they said his ears are too big! I don't know what they mean!

picture.php


Should I trim them down a bit or do you have an alternative career for him?

You said he was so like Totilas. Maybe Laura B would be interested? Keep him in the UK!

Still waiting for the passport to prove his parentage. Do you think I was duped when I bought him? Maybe he is a rabbit.
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Paul and Edward clearly should've gone to Specsavers!! Laura will snap him up; he looks EXACTLY like Alf, how could she resist?
 
Oh, PF......... I can see you having to have an enforced career change! Will it never stop? How can you make it stop? There are obviously far too many needy peeps, and needy ponios out there. You can't possibly stop - someone might slip through the PF net and make a teeny weeny mistake without your kind (and entirely altruistic ;)) guidance.
 
orsolya80 said:
Dear PF~
I am writing you to ask about a hefty problem. My little girl has a lovely Welsh section B that is 12.2hh and quite rotund. She is a bit prone to laminitis, but has been fine since we've had her. The flapjacks seem to be doing the trick. My question is - do you think it would be ok for me to ride her? I'm only 11 stone and 5'8, and I've heard that ponios are quite hardy little things. Is there a special dvd or measuring device you have that will let me know?
Thanks in advance! :D

ponysquasherextrordinaire
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Hello :) I'm glad the flapjacks are working; to make them extra effective you should cover them with syrup and sprinkle them with icing sugar and just to make sure you toughen up her feet, trot her up and down a tarmacked road every day for about 3 hours ;) As for riding her; I don't see why you shouldn't; ponies can carry twice their own bodyweight easily.
I have just released an ambidextrous laser-point measuring device which will measure everything from your ponio's height to the circumference of your girth.. I mean waist. You'll need to get the DVD set that goes with it to learn how to use it though. Good luck!!
 
Groom42 said:
Oh, PF......... I can see you having to have an enforced career change! Will it never stop? How can you make it stop? There are obviously far too many needy peeps, and needy ponios out there. You can't possibly stop - someone might slip through the PF net and make a teeny weeny mistake without your kind (and entirely altruistic ;)) guidance.
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I think Horse and Hound should give me a weekly column; clearly horse-owners of the UK need me; a clear beacon of guidance and hope to give them inspiration and enlightenment every Thursday :)
 
HH suggisted this week that hors oners paint the inside of their Poniowaggons I thought i woud do ours orange to match the numma and badnanges rugs groomin kit etc etc but someone on this thred sed we had too liten up so shoud i do it flapjack coler insted?

Coordineted
 
digger66 said:
HH suggisted this week that hors oners paint the inside of their Poniowaggons I thought i woud do ours orange to match the numma and badnanges rugs groomin kit etc etc but someone on this thred sed we had too liten up so shoud i do it flapjack coler insted?

Coordineted
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I'd stick with orange as it'll match your tan and we all know how important it is to colour-coordinate EVERYTHING. Good luck!!
 
Dear PF
I don't think my parents love me anymore. They have stated that unless I ride my pony once every six weeks, they will move her to a different home.

They are so unfair, last week they ran out of both brie AND rocket - I was a laughing stock when I had a friend around for afternoon tea. They also have taken to buying Diet Pepsi, rather than Diet Coke and mummy has placed my joddys in the bottom drawer of my bureau, causing me the added stress of having to bend down in order to retrieve them.

I'm not asking for miracles, I just want them to meet me halfway. I am so unhappy. Do you think they are just going through a phase?
 
Achinghips said:
Dear PF
I don't think my parents love me anymore. They have stated that unless I ride my pony once every six weeks, they will move her to a different home.

They are so unfair, last week they ran out of both brie AND rocket - I was a laughing stock when I had a friend around for afternoon tea. They also have taken to buying Diet Pepsi, rather than Diet Coke and mummy has placed my joddys in the bottom drawer of my bureau, causing me the added stress of having to bend down in order to retrieve them.

I'm not asking for miracles, I just want them to meet me halfway. I am so unhappy. Do you think they are just going through a phase?
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I think you'd better sit down, pet because you won't like what I have to say; Sadly there are unreasonable parents everywhere :( They will argue that because it's their house you will have to adhere to their rules and I don't mean to scare you but they may expect you to share some of the responsibility for looking after the house by tidying your own room!!! Of course that is totally unfair!!! From this you will be able to gather that the brie, rocket and diet Pepsi are just the tip of the iceberg and there is further hardship to come :( :( I am shocked and uphauled that they do not pander to your every whim and you should not put up with it. I suggest you compose an angry email putting all your ideas in writing. Include the phrase "parents, you have to learn to be sensitive to my feelings" and you should address them as "numpties" This always has the desired effect and they will succumb instantly to your demands.
As for your pony; start referring to her as your ponio and your parents will be convinced that you love her and cannot be parted from her!! Good luck!
 
Dear PF,
I havent read through all the letters to you so I apologise if someone has already asked about this problem.
I have some horseeeees.
I have a real nice gelding who is great in everyway except I cant get him in foal.
I have two mares in with him who are regular with their seasons, but still, he never gets in foal.
what am I doing wrong/
can you help?

Guido.
 
guido16 said:
Dear PF,
I havent read through all the letters to you so I apologise if someone has already asked about this problem.
I have some horseeeees.
I have a real nice gelding who is great in everyway except I cant get him in foal.
I have two mares in with him who are regular with their seasons, but still, he never gets in foal.
what am I doing wrong/
can you help?

Guido.
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Dear Guido
I feel your pain! Clearly your mares and gelding have no wish to mate because they are in the 'friend zone'. The only way forward is to get them all drunk (Malibu is the beverage of choice for sex and impregnation) and encourage them to play Truth or Dare. He'll be knocked up and living in his own council house before you know it :)
 
Dear PF,

I have just spent the past few hours poo picking the muddy paddocks in heavy drizzle, whilst in the process of said job Mr Darcy (horse not OH) :p decided to walk on the muck heap to pee. Led me to thinking how fab it would be to train Mr Darcy and Rose to poo on the muck heap. Is this even possible? Now I just need some inventive strategies to teach him how, any suggestions welcomed :D

Thank you from a very tired in the arms muddy Vixxy x
 
Deer PF,

4yrs ago wen i waz on holiday i wescued a bootifal philly frm the nu 4rest. Poor baby dident hav a wug on n it waz reining!!!:eek:

She iz doin so wel, almost cnt fit fru the door in da livinroom! Neways yesterdae i noticed dat she waz leekin yellow stuf frm her ladey bitz...haz she started her period? If so do u finks she wud like tampons or towels? Nd anuva fing...do i nw need to giv her 'da talk'? I dnt wnt her makin da same miztakes dat i did nd end up wif 5 kids livin in a council flat on benefits bt i cnt help it coz ma mum iz a slag.

Fanks

Underagegotknockedupbychavnowlivingincouncilflatpaidforbyyouloosers
 
Dear PF

I have an ex-racehorse that I want to be a dressage horse. He weaves in his box, so I am thinking about getting a faith healer to see him! Some horrible people on my yard have suggested that I might be better off trying more turn-out and getting the stiffness he shows under saddle looked at by a vet and physio (I can'r see any stiffness, after all horses are meant to nod on every step and not ever track up, right?), but they just don't understand. How can I make them see that the only possible way to address this problem is to get some person out to wave their hands at him and tell me lots of totally unverifiable things about his past? Some people are just so close minded!

Yours hopefully

Greenasshe'sgrasslooking

(PS, this is a scenario I saw on TV this morning... it's a wonder she couldn't hear me ranting about mumbo-jumbo and turnout and physios from wherever she is....:rolleyes:)
 
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