Dear PF,
I have just spent the past few hours poo picking the muddy paddocks in heavy drizzle, whilst in the process of said job Mr Darcy (horse not OH)decided to walk on the muck heap to pee. Led me to thinking how fab it would be to train Mr Darcy and Rose to poo on the muck heap. Is this even possible? Now I just need some inventive strategies to teach him how, any suggestions welcomed
Thank you from a very tired in the arms muddy Vixxy x
You are a good, caring person. How horrible for your filly to live on the nu 4rest, and with NO rugs!!! How did she get her conditioning mix and sparkle hoof oil??? The mind boggles! Well done for rescuing her!! I'm sure she loves you SO much for saving her from living in all that grass and *shudder* mud??Deer PF,
4yrs ago wen i waz on holiday i wescued a bootifal philly frm the nu 4rest. Poor baby dident hav a wug on n it waz reining!!!
She iz doin so wel, almost cnt fit fru the door in da livinroom! Neways yesterdae i noticed dat she waz leekin yellow stuf frm her ladey bitz...haz she started her period? If so do u finks she wud like tampons or towels? Nd anuva fing...do i nw need to giv her 'da talk'? I dnt wnt her makin da same miztakes dat i did nd end up wif 5 kids livin in a council flat on benefits bt i cnt help it coz ma mum iz a slag.
Fanks
Underagegotknockedupbychavnowlivingincouncilflatpaidforbyyouloosers
I'm afraid people are very narrow-minded and reluctant to try new therapies. They will tell you that vets and physios are NOT rip-off artists but genuine, highly-trained professionals who know a lot more about horses than do Equine Communicators. I have psychic powers myself, you know... For £47,000 and a photo of your horse, I'll get to the root of his soreness and will cure him. Actually, if you don't have a camera, you can do a rough sketch, I'm THAT good.Dear PF
I have an ex-racehorse that I want to be a dressage horse. He weaves in his box, so I am thinking about getting a faith healer to see him! Some horrible people on my yard have suggested that I might be better off trying more turn-out and getting the stiffness he shows under saddle looked at by a vet and physio (I can'r see any stiffness, after all horses are meant to nod on every step and not ever track up, right?), but they just don't understand. How can I make them see that the only possible way to address this problem is to get some person out to wave their hands at him and tell me lots of totally unverifiable things about his past? Some people are just so close minded!
Yours hopefully
Greenasshe'sgrasslooking
(PS, this is a scenario I saw on TV this morning... it's a wonder she couldn't hear me ranting about mumbo-jumbo and turnout and physios from wherever she is....)
Good luck!!
And it so happens that I'm availablei am just loving this post - h and h are mad if they dont sign papa up - hilarious!!!!
Hmmm... odd. You've got ALL the gear and aren't at Grand Prix already? Veru odd indeed. Have you got a celebrity trainer? If you haven't, then you'll just have to get Carl or Laura to train you. Andrew might be available. Shame Totilas has been sold; he'd have suited you to the ground! If you do get another horse, make sure it's black; all the best riders have black horses... Well, Laura doesn't, but she's still a bit green, bless her. She'll soon learn
Obviously, if you really really love your horse you will have to start him with Huggle Horsemanship. You will find full details on how to do this in my full collection of DVDs but to start with you should purchase my patented left-handed headcollar with the lungeline with the extra heavy clip and the bananastick so you can achieve Oneness through Grappling. Remember that you can't clunk him hard enough in the face. He'll love you for it! Good luck!!
Bling will always add at least one point to each movement. Silly of you to get bays but luckily you'll get it right now. And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger
No no no no noooo! A tail flap is like a miniskirt and they don't work as contraception for chavs so why on earth would it work for a horse??Dear PF,
I'm confused. My friend says that her mare, the one my new ponio likes to play piggy back with is having a foal and she thinks my ponio is the dad. I think it's impossible because the man who sold him to me said he'd chopped his bits of himself so he can't do the job. Besides, the mare's been wearing a rug with a tail flap on it so that should surely protect her and stop him getting to her shouldn't it? Should I contact the papers and tell them the immaculate conception has happened? I could make a fortune selling the story don't you think?
Sadly the tail flap story is true. It was told to my friend when she discovered the horse she bought was in foal. At the time of buying she asked if there was any chance the mare could be in foal and was told no. Then, a few months later when she was putting on weight inexplicably, she went back to the old owner and asked her if they were sure there was no chance she was in foal. They said the colt had got into her field but she was wearing a rug with a tail flap so there was no way he could have got to her
Bling will always add at least one point to each movement. Silly of you to get bays but luckily you'll get it right now. And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger
I'm sure Andrew will be delighted to give you a few tips to help you get ahead
And how TYPICAL of a German to beat you to Totilas... I bet he got up extra early and put his towel on him like a sunlounger
worried that you will overtake them in America
) but he just ran away very fast. Did I use the wrong equipment? 
Do you think he needs some sort of socks to keep them warm as I know it is a bad sign if they're cold.
Ooooo yes, a big tip from Andrew would be most welcome and I will sort out the bling immediately - at least I know I'll be guaranteed lots of 4's in my next Medium test! That is, of course, after I sell my current, useless horsey for a better, black one. Can't believe no-one had ever told me that befoe - what do I pay them for?!!!
I don't remember a towel on Totilas, just a very large, blank cheque
I think she's most likely checking out a photo of Richard Armitage
Don't leave your Spooks mag in her stable/pen
I bet the Parallers are quacking in their boots
Dear Papa Frita,
I have a problem: my ponio is in a field with lots of tasty grass and I can't get near him. I have tried waving banana fritters at him (I went to the chip shop specially
I've heard he gives a wonderful tip when asked.
Sadly there are a lot of people out there who are just in it for the money and they can't be trusted to give you reliable advice. I, on the other hand, do it purely for love.
Glad to be of help
Dear PF,
I noticed today that my horse's feet were cold!
Yours truly,
myhorsehascoldfeet
Yes, unfortunately it is very bad if your horse's feet are cold and you must wrap them up with my Patented Ponio Padded Pantaloons. I know you can get similar ones in the Mark Todd range but only mine will do. Any other brand will cripple your horse and make him hate you. Good luck and keep the faith!!
