Roll up! Roll up!! Get the answer you're looking for RIGHT here. NO problem too big..

[eahotson]

Dear Papafrita
We recently bought a pony for our 6 year old daughter.We are obviously a very experienced horse family as we are very rich and can afford a groom.We bought it from the most expensive yard in our area, if not the country, so it is obviously brilliant.The man that delivered it carried a pitchfork, which we took to be entirely normal.Having got our daughter mounted, she and the pony were having such fun that they disapeared over the fields and fences together and it took 2 hours to track them down.Following that, the pony savaged our groom, our Rottweiler dog and my 6 ft rugby playing husband.My husband and the groom are in hospital refusing to come home and the dog is at the vets refusing to come home.My daughter has hystereics merely mentioning the ponies name.How can I get my daughter and the pony together again so that they can go to HOYS where they are obviously meant to be.

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PapaFrita,
I really want my horse to have feet like Aladdin's slippers so that I can stick sparkly tassles on the long pointy-up bits but they always break off after about 3 or 4 months and we have to start growing them all over again. My farrier is a big meanie and refused to help me but I have a mate who watched a dvd about hoof trimming once and I wouldn't trust anyone else to do his feet now, he says I should coat his hooves in chicken soup to nourish them. My question is do you think it might be more effective to use bovril instead?

Isn't it sooo frustrating that some people achieve Aladdin's slippers feet on their horse with no effort at all, and the rest of us have to work at it? I think sparkly tassles look absolutely charming. Don't forget the glitter!! I'm glad you've dumped your farrier for you friend. Everyone knows that one DVD is far more beneficial in terms of training than years of study and practical training. My personal preference would be to go with Bovril as this is dark and if you let the hooves grow long enough they'll grow all the way round and look like tyres.

 

[scatty_mare]

I'm sorry to disappoint you Jammychauvanistsexpest but I've already patented the Muzzle Mooncup for Nasal Bleeding. It's a bigseller already

I love it when you talk patents to me PF...
You have really done very well with all this huggly horsemanship, but don't you think it's about time a real man took over the business side of thing?
I would like to offer my services, I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two

 

[rubysmum]

oh great one - please can i request more wisdom
the vet came to give my horse her jabs - but she charged me £30 to travel a 60 mile round trip - where do these people get off on their rip off charges AND she said my horse was too fat - i don't give her hardly anything to eat - no flapjacks at all -
so after her rip off prices & her rudeness - i have an idea - i can train to be a reiki master - it only takes 2 week ends - & then i wont need the vet anymore will i & i can always look on you-tube for helpful vids
is this a way forward??????

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF,

A friend of my Mother is "anti-hunt", she says that it is cruel and is glad that it is banned in the UK. I always thought that she was a dear sweet old lady but now I realise that she must be high on drugs and a complete psyco as well as supporting Hitler. I am constantly worried that she will spray hairspray in my dogs eyes and stab my horse with hatpins. What should I do?

Yours,
Idontjudgepeople.

Just when you think you know someone, eh! I bet at night she goes out in a hoodie, can be seen on corners boozing with her delinquent friends and and vandalises private property. I'd stay away from her if I were you, for the sake of your pets as well as yourself!!

 

[Flicker]

Dear PF,
I don't know if you have already had this one, but perhaps you can help me with a little conundrum?
I have a very demanding full-time job that means I don't leave the office before 6pm at night and usually start at 7.30 in the morning.
I also have a toddler and a husband that doesn't understand horses.
I have bought a horse from a very busy competition yard and was assured that he had won lots of prizes and would be a 'rosette machine' for me.
I ride him once a week, but he is very naughty when I do ride him and I don't enjoy it anymore. I telephoned his old owner to complain and they said he was never naughty for them. They also said they don't want him back.
I think my horse is being very unfair as he doesn't seem to understand that I have a very busy life and when I ride him it is supposed to be fun.
Can you recommend a calmer for him to make him good?

 

[Flicker]

"Dear PF,
My 17hh gelding has recurrent lameness issues, in fact he hasn't been sound for over a year. The vet says he should have scans, but I haven't got insurance and can't afford it. Also he's getting thin and I I'm a bit worried about my feed bill over the winter. What can I do? I don't want to sell him as he's lame, can he go as a companion?

Shouldn'townahorse"

OMG - I so know a person exactly like this!!! Except they didn't want to give the horse away, they wanted to SELL the horse as a companion. For £2K.

 

[Flame_]

Dear PF

My daughter is back in A & E. We bought her a ten year old 13.2 "schoolmaster" to learn how to jump on a year ago. He can jump really high and never stops. Unfortunately, the not stopping is a pretty recurrent theme with him and he's inclined to taking off with my daughter and running until she loses her balance and falls off or she bails. I'm sure he's not a bad pony, fifteen different people around the country have bought him over the last two years before we managed to find him, plus he's really pretty and well bred.

I know this situation isn't ideal and I'm trying to sort it out. We've sent him to professionals, we've had trainers come to us, we've had a couple of natural horsemanship dudes come and play with him, we've sent him to the top vets in the country and they can't find anything wrong with him, neither can the physios, saddler, dentist, psychic, etc, etc...

Now my daughter is on her ninth trip to hospital with another head injury I'm thinking maybe this pony isn't for us. Of course I couldn't consider PTS as there's nothing wrong with him, so what should I do?

Do you think he's just not found the right rider yet? Maybe a professional rider might like to buy him? He's make a great companion, I'd happily give him to somebody as long as they said they would give him a lovely forever home. Should I part exchange him with a dealer? Or should my daughter give up riding for the next twenty years so we can retire him?

I need some PF wisdom to know what to do

Misguidedfoolwho'sluckyherkid'snotdead

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear Papafrita
We recently bought a pony for our 6 year old daughter.We are obviously a very experienced horse family as we are very rich and can afford a groom.We bought it from the most expensive yard in our area, if not the country, so it is obviously brilliant.The man that delivered it carried a pitchfork, which we took to be entirely normal.Having got our daughter mounted, she and the pony were having such fun that they disapeared over the fields and fences together and it took 2 hours to track them down.Following that, the pony savaged our groom, our Rottweiler dog and my 6 ft rugby playing husband.My husband and the groom are in hospital refusing to come home and the dog is at the vets refusing to come home.My daughter has hystereics merely mentioning the ponies name.How can I get my daughter and the pony together again so that they can go to HOYS where they are obviously meant to be.

I think your pony might have a few minor issues. Some people will suggest that you have your pony checked over by the vet, physio, etc, I say POPPYCOCK! Your daughter and her pony need to get to know each other again and make the Disney Connection; you've seen this in films; horse hates man/child, child/man hates horse, they go through some adversity together and then become best mates. Sooo, basically you have to arrange for your daughter to rescue the pony from some sort of trouble... a swamp perhaps. They will be friends for life and HOYS will be a piece of cake

 

[PapaFrita]

Thank you so much for the tip-off about the kippers ! I have just had a stroll around the town with one hanging off the end of a stick to see if i could spot him, but alas, no luck yet.
Just a couple more questions for you. Do you think it would be worthwhile popping into the vets just incase someone has handed him in? also as I want to get his room ready for his return can you suggest which size stratching post to get and will I have to cut his toe nails or do they do it themselves?
Finally, do you think he will be happy with freeview or should I get him sky installed? I dont want him running off again !!!!

Yes, pop into the vets; you never know if someone has found him. Don't bother with Sky; Eurpsports never has the showjumping live and finding out the results before being able to watch is beyond irritating (people are SO inconsiderate!). Get him FEI TV. Bargain.

 

[PapaFrita]

I love it when you talk patents to me PF...
You have really done very well with all this huggly horsemanship, but don't you think it's about time a real man took over the business side of thing?
I would like to offer my services, I'm sure I could teach you a thing or two

You're so considerate Why don't I hand over all my business ventures to you and I'll just nip off to the hairdressers?

 

[PapaFrita]

oh great one - please can i request more wisdom
the vet came to give my horse her jabs - but she charged me £30 to travel a 60 mile round trip - where do these people get off on their rip off charges AND she said my horse was too fat - i don't give her hardly anything to eat - no flapjacks at all -
so after her rip off prices & her rudeness - i have an idea - i can train to be a reiki master - it only takes 2 week ends - & then i wont need the vet anymore will i & i can always look on you-tube for helpful vids
is this a way forward??????

See what I mean about vets being a rip off? Not only do they charge you a fortune, they tell you stuff you don't want to hear!! Blimming cheek.
Yes, training to be a reiki master is definitely a good idea AND if you go to an afternoon of tea and biscuits you can also qualify as a barefoot trimmer. Result!

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF,
I don't know if you have already had this one, but perhaps you can help me with a little conundrum?
I have a very demanding full-time job that means I don't leave the office before 6pm at night and usually start at 7.30 in the morning.
I also have a toddler and a husband that doesn't understand horses.
I have bought a horse from a very busy competition yard and was assured that he had won lots of prizes and would be a 'rosette machine' for me.
I ride him once a week, but he is very naughty when I do ride him and I don't enjoy it anymore. I telephoned his old owner to complain and they said he was never naughty for them. They also said they don't want him back.
I think my horse is being very unfair as he doesn't seem to understand that I have a very busy life and when I ride him it is supposed to be fun.
Can you recommend a calmer for him to make him good?

Oh dear, it's so unfortunate when horses suddenly 'turn naughty'. Personally I don't think they do; I think he was always naughty and you weren't told. So irresponsible and dangerous. Right, as it's your life and limb at risk here, I suggest giving him some Sedalin. A whole tube is fine. Ignore people who tell you you shouldn't ride sedated horses, but they're just jealous and are trying to sabotage you. You many notice a bit more stumbling than usual, but that's normal. Have fun!

 

[PapaFrita]

OMG - I so know a person exactly like this!!! Except they didn't want to give the horse away, they wanted to SELL the horse as a companion. For £2K.

I'm not surprised TBH

 

[jodie3]

My kids want an norse and I reckon I can get the dosh for it on my benefits money. Its their bleedin right to hav one innitt if they want one?

If I get one when the lift in the flats is mended it'll be alrite livin on the balcony with Tyson the pit bull wont it?

 

[scatty_mare]

You're so considerate Why don't I hand over all my business ventures to you and I'll just nip off to the hairdressers?

Yes, you can leave them all in my capable hands. You just go and treat yourself, sweetcheeks *pats on bottom*
Why don't you fetch me a nice cheese sandwich then go and buff your pony's nails, and leave all the business stuff to me, hey?

ETA: This guy is not fictional. (Although as far as I know he does not use feminine hygiene products in his horse's nasal cavity. But it does have nosebleeds most times it is ridden )

 

[Natch]

Dear Pappya New Fritiya,


Perhaps you could resolve a little debate I am currently having with my friend. Is the bird greater than, or equal to, the word?

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF

My daughter is back in A & E. We bought her a ten year old 13.2 "schoolmaster" to learn how to jump on a year ago. He can jump really high and never stops. Unfortunately, the not stopping is a pretty recurrent theme with him and he's inclined to taking off with my daughter and running until she loses her balance and falls off or she bails. I'm sure he's not a bad pony, fifteen different people around the country have bought him over the last two years before we managed to find him, plus he's really pretty and well bred.

I know this situation isn't ideal and I'm trying to sort it out. We've sent him to professionals, we've had trainers come to us, we've had a couple of natural horsemanship dudes come and play with him, we've sent him to the top vets in the country and they can't find anything wrong with him, neither can the physios, saddler, dentist, psychic, etc, etc...

Now my daughter is on her ninth trip to hospital with another head injury I'm thinking maybe this pony isn't for us. Of course I couldn't consider PTS as there's nothing wrong with him, so what should I do?

Do you think he's just not found the right rider yet? Maybe a professional rider might like to buy him? He's make a great companion, I'd happily give him to somebody as long as they said they would give him a lovely forever home. Should I part exchange him with a dealer? Or should my daughter give up riding for the next twenty years so we can retire him?

I need some PF wisdom to know what to do

Misguidedfoolwho'sluckyherkid'snotdead

Well, this is a tricky one. Well, I know that some people would be advising that the humane thing to do at this point would be to put the pony to sleep, right? What do they know? After all, 15 homes in 2 years is absolutely no indication of just how demented this pony is, and it's not in the least traumatic for the pony is it? Why on earth should it be you to take responsibility for NOT sending this pony to another home where he might hurt or even kill a child? There will probably be someone else willing to take this pony on, a professional even, so surely it's their problem... right? And of course there is absolutely no chance that instead of ending up with someone who has his best interests at heart, he'll end up with some unscrupulous piece of bum wipe who'll lie about his 'quirks', sedate him a bit and sell him to an unsuspecting home...
At this point you have several otions. You could continue to pour money into finding the problem at the root of the problem and you could try further therapies such as acupuncture, aromatherapy, rumpology and runes... Loads of people will tell you that this is what they would do, but you don't see them stepping forward with the cash, do you? You could break him to drive, because a horse bolting with a trap is SO much fun (look it up on Youtube)!! You could sell him on, or give him away and wash your hands of him, OR you could put him out of his misery.
Sod that, Sell him on. Get a bit of cash back. Shame you can't breed him. Or perhaps you caaaaan...

 

[PapaFrita]

My kids want an norse and I reckon I can get the dosh for it on my benefits money. Its their bleedin right to hav one innitt if they want one?

If I get one when the lift in the flats is mended it'll be alrite livin on the balcony with Tyson the pit bull wont it?

Sounds good. You can open a petting zoo. Are your kids in cages??

 

[PapaFrita]

Yes, you can leave them all in my capable hands. You just go and treat yourself, sweetcheeks *pats on bottom*
Why don't you fetch me a nice cheese sandwich then go and buff your pony's nails, and leave all the business stuff to me, hey?

ETA: This guy is not fictional. (Although as far as I know he does not use feminine hygiene products in his horse's nasal cavity. But it does have nosebleeds most times it is ridden )

********************ck, I was hoping he was fictional. If he wants to pat me on the bottom he'd better look exactly like a young Sean Connery and have twice the charm... that's a no then

*back in character*
Would you like that sandwich up your backside or IV?

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear Pappya New Fritiya,


Perhaps you could resolve a little debate I am currently having with my friend. Is the bird greater than, or equal to, the word?

Bird is the word, and therefore they are equal. It is my understanding though that some birds are more equal than others.

 

[humblepie]

Dear PF,

Can you please help with a family argument?

My non-horse boyfriend simply with no messing can get my horsey to do what he wants it to do. The only thing I hear him say is "behave or else". He doesn't offer it sweeties as bribes, flapjacks, bottle of gin or banana sticks, fritters or cupcakes.

Can you please tell him where he is going wrong? He seems to have learned what he knows from some people who have a lot of rosettes from places like HOYS (what is that, Hamster of the Year Scheme or something?) and RIHS (Royal Institute of Hamsters Society I think) but won't listen to me?

Thank you.

Confusedwithlotsofmintsleftover

 

[brighteyes]

PF

(On behalf of *an acquaintance*)

In short, I had an accident going very fast on my pony and we fell over a jump. I was hurt but my pony seemed OK. Many people advised me to get a back person out, so eventually I did. The back man came and next day my pony's canter was so smooth I tried a jump in the pitch black. She is OK but everyone seems to be worried for us... What advice do you have for me?

I'malmostcertainlyatrolloraverystupidteenagerwithnorighttoownaponyxxlol

 

[LeneHorse]

Dear PF

I'm getting a little bit worried about my ponio. He's gone right off his feed - I put a bucket of flapjacks in for him every night and he's not touched them for a week. He's not doing the toilet either - great as it saves mucking out but a week without a poo is a bit long. When I put his tack on to ride he plants himself and won't come out the stable. He seems a bit withdrawn and I hate to say this but he's also getting a bit smelly. Do you think he needs a suppliment?
please can you help?
yours sincerely

ismyponiomaybedeceased

 

[Natch]

Dearest darling PF,

Why is it that people think its ok for ponios to eat grass, alfalfa and other green stuff? Surely food that is green has gone off. Then some of them actually dry the green stuff to make it brown - yeuck! I personally like to give my ponie a plate full of whatever we are having for our dinner. Sometimes its a ham sandwich, othertimes its a full roast (minus the broccoli cos everyone nos thats green AND evel).

I was finking thats not a balanced diet, cos it dunt sit on the ponies stable door wivout fallin off, so wot can I do to make it balance?

Yours

Ihopeimnotreincarnatedasapetofthis Persons

 

[JenJ]

Bird is the word, and therefore they are equal

I'm really sorry to contradict you PF, but I believe that, actually, grease is the word.

 

[polopony]

LOL, good post.
Can I ask a serious one though? My pony is fine on the condition side, but completely lacks top line. Suggestions?
(btw he is a 12yo NZ TB)

 

[Echo Bravo]

I really like the Petting Zoo with kids in cages. Could I take a Bannana stick and poke them with it.

 

[PapaFrita]

Dear PF,

Can you please help with a family argument?

My non-horse boyfriend simply with no messing can get my horsey to do what he wants it to do. The only thing I hear him say is "behave or else". He doesn't offer it sweeties as bribes, flapjacks, bottle of gin or banana sticks, fritters or cupcakes.

Can you please tell him where he is going wrong? He seems to have learned what he knows from some people who have a lot of rosettes from places like HOYS (what is that, Hamster of the Year Scheme or something?) and RIHS (Royal Institute of Hamsters Society I think) but won't listen to me?

Thank you.

Confusedwithlotsofmintsleftover

Ah, well, this may come as something of an unpleasant surprise, but it IS possible to handle a horse without using a bananastick, bribery or huggles. HOWEVER, this is not the true horseman's way and someone who just gets a horse to do something because he's been told is not truly in tune with his/her horse. If you really really love your ponio you will lavish treats and huggles on him and ignore 'naughty' behaviour- this is just horses being horses, after all.
I suspect your OH has picked up all this information from people who *shocked whisper* ride their horses at competitions!!! Apparently one of these is called HOYS. No idea what what it stands for though...

 

[PapaFrita]

PF

(On behalf of *an acquaintance*)

In short, I had an accident going very fast on my pony and we fell over a jump. I was hurt but my pony seemed OK. Many people advised me to get a back person out, so eventually I did. The back man came and next day my pony's canter was so smooth I tried a jump in the pitch black. She is OK but everyone seems to be worried for us... What advice do you have for me?

I'malmostcertainlyatrolloraverystupidteenagerwithnorighttoownaponyxxlol

Well, as you know, I'm all for jumping at fantastic speed with no concern for my or my ponio's safety. I AM, however, opposed to vets and physios, and personally try to avoid them at all costs. It sounds as if your friend has an unusual fondness for them and is doing everything in her power to give them lots and lots of work. That is very philanthropic of her and she's certainly going the right way about it. I hope she still has money to replace her horse when he/she breaks down completely.