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Dear PF

Thanks to your wonderful advice I have succesfully bred the first of what may prove to be a long line of Olympic winners!
In honour of you I have decided to call him PapaFrita Midget. Should I keep him entire? I believe he has a simply wizard future in front of him!

midget_pony.jpg
 
Phew finaly got though all the posts :)

Now then, i have a tb mare who refuses to load, i've tried beating her up the ramp, locking her in over night to get her over her fear, and getting others to whack her with a brush whilst i pull from the front, but without success, i don't understand why she's being such a mard a*se, she had an accident a couple of years ago and people are telling me thats why she's afraid, but she should be over that by now surely,shouldn't she?, so i've been thinking of getting a winch installed in the trailer to drag her up?, or making some sort of skates to put on and wheel her up, do you sell those? which do you think is best?
 
Dear PF

Flushed with success at my purchase of a surefire Badminton horse, I thought I'd do an in-hand class as preparation for next year's debut at a three-day event. After all, I need to see how he behaves in company. In line with my conversion to using natural PF methods and products, I wondered if you had a suggestion or remedy for my latest dilemma.

These show creatures I understand need to be divested of every scrap of surplus hair in order that their beauty and confirmation is able to be fully scrutinised and that the mandatory covering of fat is equally distributed at the depth of three inches across the entire body. This last I have addressed with unlimited access to M&S Finest Flapjacks and now am faced with the problem of those untidy little whiskers.

All was going well (full clip undertaken while horse was sedated with Night Nurse - a Forum favourite) but in the process of singeing the cat hairs away, my B&Q deluxe garden chalet with opening windows and lattice decoration to the eaves caught fire and burned to the ground.

I was using the blowtorch from my kitchen, which finishes off a crème brûlée to perfection, but my horse doesn't seem to want to let me remove the whiskers from above its eyes with this. What should I do?

Yours finally, Lardydahdiarse
 
WoopsiiD said:
Dear PF

Thanks to your wonderful advice I have succesfully bred the first of what may prove to be a long line of Olympic winners!
In honour of you I have decided to call him PapaFrita Midget. Should I keep him entire? I believe he has a simply wizard future in front of him!

midget_pony.jpg
Click to expand...
What a stunner! And so athletically built!! You must keep in entire at all costs! Even if he were a hairy orange dachshund cross (which obviously he's not!) it's cruel to castrate colts. I'm sure he has a glittering future ahead of him :)
 
tinkandlily said:
Phew finaly got though all the posts :)

Now then, i have a tb mare who refuses to load, i've tried beating her up the ramp, locking her in over night to get her over her fear, and getting others to whack her with a brush whilst i pull from the front, but without success, i don't understand why she's being such a mard a*se, she had an accident a couple of years ago and people are telling me thats why she's afraid, but she should be over that by now surely,shouldn't she?, so i've been thinking of getting a winch installed in the trailer to drag her up?, or making some sort of skates to put on and wheel her up, do you sell those? which do you think is best?
Click to expand...
Hmmm, it's possible that your horse has previously been handled by 'traditional' methods. I like to refer to these as the 'Neanderthal Technique'. I think she's just being difficult. Your approach is basically correct, but I can't help but notice that you're not using a Huggly Horsemanship bananastick or brush!! Therein lies the error of your ways!! You can use a winch, of course, but it has to be a Huggly Horsemanship Endorsed winch, which is the only humane approach. Once you have these items you will have no trouble at all loading your mare!
 
brighteyes said:
Dear PF

Flushed with success at my purchase of a surefire Badminton horse, I thought I'd do an in-hand class as preparation for next year's debut at a three-day event. After all, I need to see how he behaves in company. In line with my conversion to using natural PF methods and products, I wondered if you had a suggestion or remedy for my latest dilemma.

These show creatures I understand need to be divested of every scrap of surplus hair in order that their beauty and confirmation is able to be fully scrutinised and that the mandatory covering of fat is equally distributed at the depth of three inches across the entire body. This last I have addressed with unlimited access to M&S Finest Flapjacks and now am faced with the problem of those untidy little whiskers.

All was going well (full clip undertaken while horse was sedated with Night Nurse - a Forum favourite) but in the process of singeing the cat hairs away, my B&Q deluxe garden chalet with opening windows and lattice decoration to the eaves caught fire and burned to the ground.

I was using the blowtorch from my kitchen, which finishes off a crème brûlée to perfection, but my horse doesn't seem to want to let me remove the whiskers from above its eyes with this. What should I do?

Yours finally, Lardydahdiarse
Click to expand...

Dear Lardydahdiarse
A wise man once told me that a horse with whiskers was like a beautiful woman with skanky long underarm hair. Some foolish bunnyhuggero countered by pointing out that women don't need their underarm hair to find their way in the dark, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, if you don't want your horse to look like a superannuated hippy with hairy pits, smelling of biscuits and with dirty fingernails, the whiskers and in fact all surplus hair MUST go. You've got off to a good start; making sure your horse is calm and relaxed. I fear the blowtorch might be a touch inaccurate when it comes to removing hair (facial and other) and your property seems to be suffering, so I suggest you shave the entire body and then wax the 'eyebrows'. Hope this helps and look forward to seeing you wobbling around HOYS :)
 
Dear PF,

I think your advice is fantastic and therefore wonder if you can assist me with several problems.

1. My horse is very lazy, I am unable to feed him any grass/apples/sugar/chaff/carrots as he needs to be on a natural and low sugar diets and my feed store does not have anything other than the above. I make him gallop regularly on rocky ground to harden his feet up as he is barefoot (as shoes cause cancer and suchlike) but he spends all his time lying down in the stable groaning like dogs do when you rub their ears. I know he is not thin as he eats ricecakes every second day but I have to beat him with my left handed banana stick to make him get up and gallop. Please can you help?

2. I am best friends with the RSPCA as I phone them all the time to report such cruelties as horses not wearing enough/matching rugs, horses with shoes on, horses who get fed daily, horses who have to eat grass etc but they have stopped rushing to meet my every demand now- I am upset at this as I donate 50p once a year when the little old lady shakes the tin at me but I am seriously considering refusing to donate any further. Surely they do not care about animal welfare and should immediately drop everything and run when I call?

3. There is a poor little darling pony (like those athletic ones in the above pictures) who lives in a field but is unable to see as it has a funny mask on- I know it is halloween but I the poor pony cannot see! I keep taking it off when I see it and also the hannibal lector mask it sometimes wears but some evil creature keeps putting it back on! What can I do? Should I steal it and sell it on ebay?

Worried from Buckinghamshire.
 
Dear PF
I wonder if you can tell me how to get rides on top-class horses. I am 14 and three quarters and have been riding for nearly a year already. My Mum says I should be on the junior eventing team but I just need to get a horse and learn how to do dressage and cross-country properly first. It's not fair because everybody else has very expensive horses bought for them and my parents are just ordinary people although we don't live in a council house of course.
I have written letters to lots of famous people (like that german person - Swanky Von Grooveson) asking them to let me ride their horses but nobody has answered.
Thinking about it, do you have any Olympic racehorses? I would ride them for you if you like and would definitely get on the team and win a gold medal.
Yours hopefully
JuniorTeamProspect
 
Dear Papafrita
My human has a problem with tractors.Every time she is sitting on me and a tractor goes past she panics.I have tried to explain to her that they are harmless but she is stuborn and won't listen.Do you think your DVDs will help her (and me!). Red
 
Farrierlover said:
Dear PF,

I think your advice is fantastic and therefore wonder if you can assist me with several problems.

1. My horse is very lazy, I am unable to feed him any grass/apples/sugar/chaff/carrots as he needs to be on a natural and low sugar diets and my feed store does not have anything other than the above. I make him gallop regularly on rocky ground to harden his feet up as he is barefoot (as shoes cause cancer and suchlike) but he spends all his time lying down in the stable groaning like dogs do when you rub their ears. I know he is not thin as he eats ricecakes every second day but I have to beat him with my left handed banana stick to make him get up and gallop. Please can you help?

2. I am best friends with the RSPCA as I phone them all the time to report such cruelties as horses not wearing enough/matching rugs, horses with shoes on, horses who get fed daily, horses who have to eat grass etc but they have stopped rushing to meet my every demand now- I am upset at this as I donate 50p once a year when the little old lady shakes the tin at me but I am seriously considering refusing to donate any further. Surely they do not care about animal welfare and should immediately drop everything and run when I call?

3. There is a poor little darling pony (like those athletic ones in the above pictures) who lives in a field but is unable to see as it has a funny mask on- I know it is halloween but I the poor pony cannot see! I keep taking it off when I see it and also the hannibal lector mask it sometimes wears but some evil creature keeps putting it back on! What can I do? Should I steal it and sell it on ebay?

Worried from Buckinghamshire.
Click to expand...
Dear Worried. I'm glad you're concerned about your horse's feet; you are correct that shoes will give him cancer and you're doing well to harden up his feet. His diet sounds perfectly adecuate so I think he must have learnt to act as if he's tired/sick/in pain. If he doesn't get any better soon I'm afraid you might have to consider feeding him flapjacks as these are almost as natural as ricecakes and will perk him up a bit.
I'm sorry to tell you that the RSPCA are only really intersted in the welfare stories that make the news; the ones that look impressive like dead horses lying in the mud and not the daily stories of shocking cruelty and neglect such as those you describe! I can only surmise that they've become so used to shod horses wearing no rugs that they are no longer interested. This is of course a very sad turn of events and you should immediately stop donating. Your 50p a year should guarantee instant action, otherwise what are you paying for?
As for the ponies in the masks.. It is disgusting that horse owners continue to degrade their horses in this way. How would they like it if someone put a hideous Klu Klux Klan hood on them when it gets sunny and there are flies about?? What if people assume they're racist ponios and attacks them???? And depriving a pony of grass is just evil; they should be able to eat much as they like. What if someone assumes they're serial killers????? I tell you... masks like these demean horseys and ponios nationwide. You're quite right to remove them but you must not perpetuate the evil; burn them on a pyre instead, preferably during the full moon and whilst chanting incantations.
 
Rosiefan said:
Dear PF
I wonder if you can tell me how to get rides on top-class horses. I am 14 and three quarters and have been riding for nearly a year already. My Mum says I should be on the junior eventing team but I just need to get a horse and learn how to do dressage and cross-country properly first. It's not fair because everybody else has very expensive horses bought for them and my parents are just ordinary people although we don't live in a council house of course.
I have written letters to lots of famous people (like that german person - Swanky Von Grooveson) asking them to let me ride their horses but nobody has answered.
Thinking about it, do you have any Olympic racehorses? I would ride them for you if you like and would definitely get on the team and win a gold medal.
Yours hopefully
JuniorTeamProspect
Click to expand...
I'm so sorry that you have parents who are too selfish to buy you a top olympic prospect. They have a house, don't they? They should remortgage and give you the chance to fulfil your potential. Now that I've given it a bit of thought, that Totilas has just been bought and I don't think Paul has found a rider yet. Perhaps you should give him a call. Don't forget to tell him how good you are at doing round the world and scissors. I'm sure you'll be snapped up! Good luck!
 
eahotson said:
Dear Papafrita
My human has a problem with tractors.Every time she is sitting on me and a tractor goes past she panics.I have tried to explain to her that they are harmless but she is stuborn and won't listen.Do you think your DVDs will help her (and me!). Red
Click to expand...
Dear Red,
Are you quite sure it's the tractor she's afraid of, or the Cornishman driving it? Tractors are almost invariably driven by Cornishmen and these are scary because they have incomprehensible accents, wear smocks and floppy hats and suck on a bit of straw. The DVDs will certainly help, but so will a hip flask full of whiskey. I suggest you get her one for Christmas and then make sure she drinks up before you go out together.
Good luck!
 
dear PF

I have learnt more on this thread in the last few days than in 20 plus years of horse ownership/riding! Long may it continue
Today though I was very lazy and rode out on my horsey without brushing every inch of her and putting on all her gadgets. Even worse I was dressed in hi viz joggy bottoms. She behaved very strangely, walking out on a long rein instead of rearing and jogging. I got some right funny looks from the other riders who had their horses heads pulled in properly with draw reins etc and were dressed properly in KP gear. Have I ruined her forever by riding in this sloppy way?

worried hacker
 
LeneHorse said:
dear PF

I have learnt more on this thread in the last few days than in 20 plus years of horse ownership/riding! Long may it continue
Today though I was very lazy and rode out on my horsey without brushing every inch of her and putting on all her gadgets. Even worse I was dressed in hi viz joggy bottoms. She behaved very strangely, walking out on a long rein instead of rearing and jogging. I got some right funny looks from the other riders who had their horses heads pulled in properly with draw reins etc and were dressed properly in KP gear. Have I ruined her forever by riding in this sloppy way?

worried hacker
Click to expand...

Dear Worried Hacker
I'm afraid if you want to progress in your riding you will have to ride in full and correct riding gear every time (although a hat isn't necessary), you must be perfectly tack and colour-coordinated and you MUST wear all your gadgets. It simply isn't good enough to just go 'on a hack'. Proper riders don't HACK! In fact there is no need for you ever to leave the school. And you should never allow your horse to wander along on a loose rein; proper riders have horses that jog or prance.
Never mind, I'm sure you've learned from your mistake and I expect in a few months you will have recovered your old horse. Good luck ;)
 
My ponio doesn't want to go in my trailer anymore.I have no idea why! Its a 3 horse equitreck with living and I tow it with a mini, so its a perfect match.It does sway around a lot, but saves me a lot of money on petrol going down hill as it pushes the car down, and halfway up the next hill.Lorry drivers are very friendly towards us, frequently flashing their headlights at us and blasting on their horns.A lot of traffic does that actually.Perhaps they are admiring the very steady sensible and slow way we go up hills.Have you any helpful sugestions on how I might persuade him to start loading again?
 
Dear PF

I just buyed a little horse for my dorter from a man in a caravan she wanted one for a long time. I bought a very little one cuz she only been to riding once for her mates party so I thought she cant handle a growed up one yet. I fink we have something dead spesial cuz the man said it was green and when it grows bigger it will have feafhers. We think it might be a very spesial type (tho I cant see the green yet its a black and white one so far.) Cant wait till the feafhers grow wont it be a good one to put on youtube a green horse with feafhers *egxited* We paid the man extra for this too, we were all very happy.
My ask is this. I red that u need to get the baby ones to 'see' traffic, cars and that, but when my girl rode it up the A14 it went a bit funny and ran to the fense on the grassy bit. it was shakin all over and wouldnt move. I red that ther is a illness called wobblers I fink thats what it did. Shud I take it back to the man and ask him to swap it for a black one that wont go green? Perhaps thats why its started to go all funny?

Fanks.
Ima totalpratt
 
Dearest Pf me old chum,

I would be honoured to become a Fellow of Huggly Horsemanship! I think I may even be able to offer you more than just my expertise however, I have a business proposition for you!

You may remember in my last post I mentioned my naughty horse's troublesome habit of spurting blood from his nostrils when we go hunting. I do think it is quite unreasonable of him, after all, it's not like he's ridden every week or anything so he really can't complain about spending one day every 3 weeks galloping around and leaping over hedges!

So anyway, it was the opening meet on Saturday, so obviously he hadn't been ridden for a good 6 months - you'd think he'd be well rested and raring to go! But no. After just a short gallop up a 4 mile hill he was spewing blood all over the place and the ninny mollycoddling field master sent me home!
Honestly what waste of time and money! And I'd even gone to all the trouble of getting my groom to brush the horse and plait its hair and everything. I was so mad at the horse that I galloped him all the way back to the trailer and downed my hipflask before we drove back home as fast as I could (we nearly hit 90 mph at one point!).

So this was a real problem dear PF, but I used my splended manly brain to come up with a solution and have invented a new super product!

I was just going through my groom's handbag yesterday, this is something I like to do from time to time. And anyway, I came across one of those 'lady plugs', you know, that ladies use. Anyway, I thought it might be worth trying to stick it up the horse's nose to see if it would stem the flow. Well, what a find! It fits a treat, and even has a handy little string on the end so you can pull it out again when you are done! I put one in the left nostril yesterday before I took the horse for a 2 hour galloping 'work out', and success! While there was blood pouring out of the right side, the left side was dry as a bone! And the bonus is you don't even need to change it, it is still in there and shows no signs of working its way loose!

This is giving me great hope for the future!
So my proposition is this: I am thinking of patenting it and wondering if you would like to market it for me, for a share of the profits of course. My other alternative is taking it on dragon's den, but I don't like that Deborah Meadon, she has ideas far above her station.

All the best,
Jammychauvinistsexpest
 
Dear PF

When is your book "10001 questions answered" coming out? I have the full content here. I will publish it for you in return for payment of 1 set of banana stick, rope, brushes and DVDs, and 99.9% of the profits (less of course expenses). You will make litereally pennies. I have my own desktop printer and Microsoft Word so it will get done dead professional like, and I'll throw in binding (by a hippo-shaped stapler) for free.

So how about it?

Yours,

Mr Fattycat Banker
 
Last edited:
eahotson said:
My ponio doesn't want to go in my trailer anymore.I have no idea why! Its a 3 horse equitreck with living and I tow it with a mini, so its a perfect match.It does sway around a lot, but saves me a lot of money on petrol going down hill as it pushes the car down, and halfway up the next hill.Lorry drivers are very friendly towards us, frequently flashing their headlights at us and blasting on their horns.A lot of traffic does that actually.Perhaps they are admiring the very steady sensible and slow way we go up hills.Have you any helpful sugestions on how I might persuade him to start loading again?
Click to expand...

I must applaud your choice of such an economical vehicle to move your horse around; we must be mindful of the environment. I'm sure the drivers of lorrie are similarly congratulating you on your eco-friendly transport! As for your horse, I think some incense sticks in the trailer will make it more inviting and relaxing for him; I suspect he finds shows a bit stressful. Hope this works! Good luck
 
artysteph said:
Dear PF

I just buyed a little horse for my dorter from a man in a caravan she wanted one for a long time. I bought a very little one cuz she only been to riding once for her mates party so I thought she cant handle a growed up one yet. I fink we have something dead spesial cuz the man said it was green and when it grows bigger it will have feafhers. We think it might be a very spesial type (tho I cant see the green yet its a black and white one so far.) Cant wait till the feafhers grow wont it be a good one to put on youtube a green horse with feafhers *egxited* We paid the man extra for this too, we were all very happy.
My ask is this. I red that u need to get the baby ones to 'see' traffic, cars and that, but when my girl rode it up the A14 it went a bit funny and ran to the fense on the grassy bit. it was shakin all over and wouldnt move. I red that ther is a illness called wobblers I fink thats what it did. Shud I take it back to the man and ask him to swap it for a black one that wont go green? Perhaps thats why its started to go all funny?

Fanks.
Ima totalpratt
Click to expand...
I'm glad to hear you've not done anything as boring and predictable as go to a reputable dealer; everyone knows that dealers are all con artists who sell old, mad or lame horses so going to a man in a caravan was much more sensible.
Your pony sounds like a vanner; this means she's designed to pull a cart and the reason she got upset on the A14 is that she's used to being part of the traffic and not the audience. Next time you take her onto the motorway, make sure she's attached to a cart and trot her as fast as possible on the hard shoulder. She'll be fine :)
 
Sorry, PF - you're WRONG on THIS ONE!!!!!!!
The only way to do it properly is to go down the MIDDLE of the A14, to make sure all those pesky cars have to stop, I thought EVERYONE knew that! ;)

Forget the bl***y hard shoulder!
 
scatty_mare said:
Dearest Pf me old chum,

I would be honoured to become a Fellow of Huggly Horsemanship! I think I may even be able to offer you more than just my expertise however, I have a business proposition for you!

You may remember in my last post I mentioned my naughty horse's troublesome habit of spurting blood from his nostrils when we go hunting. I do think it is quite unreasonable of him, after all, it's not like he's ridden every week or anything so he really can't complain about spending one day every 3 weeks galloping around and leaping over hedges!

So anyway, it was the opening meet on Saturday, so obviously he hadn't been ridden for a good 6 months - you'd think he'd be well rested and raring to go! But no. After just a short gallop up a 4 mile hill he was spewing blood all over the place and the ninny mollycoddling field master sent me home!
Honestly what waste of time and money! And I'd even gone to all the trouble of getting my groom to brush the horse and plait its hair and everything. I was so mad at the horse that I galloped him all the way back to the trailer and downed my hipflask before we drove back home as fast as I could (we nearly hit 90 mph at one point!).

So this was a real problem dear PF, but I used my splended manly brain to come up with a solution and have invented a new super product!

I was just going through my groom's handbag yesterday, this is something I like to do from time to time. And anyway, I came across one of those 'lady plugs', you know, that ladies use. Anyway, I thought it might be worth trying to stick it up the horse's nose to see if it would stem the flow. Well, what a find! It fits a treat, and even has a handy little string on the end so you can pull it out again when you are done! I put one in the left nostril yesterday before I took the horse for a 2 hour galloping 'work out', and success! While there was blood pouring out of the right side, the left side was dry as a bone! And the bonus is you don't even need to change it, it is still in there and shows no signs of working its way loose!

This is giving me great hope for the future!
So my proposition is this: I am thinking of patenting it and wondering if you would like to market it for me, for a share of the profits of course. My other alternative is taking it on dragon's den, but I don't like that Deborah Meadon, she has ideas far above her station.

All the best,
Jammychauvinistsexpest
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to disappoint you Jammychauvanistsexpert but I've already patented the Muzzle Mooncup for Nasal Bleeding. It's a bigseller already ;)
 
Naturally said:
Dear PF

When is your book "10001 questions answered" coming out? I have the full content here. I will publish it for you in return for payment of 1 set of banana stick, rope, brushes and DVDs, and 99.9% of the profits (less of course expenses). You will make litereally pennies. I have my own desktop printer and Microsoft Word so it will get done dead professional like, and I'll throw in binding (by a hippo-shaped stapler) for free.

So how about it?

Yours,

Mr Fattycat Banker
Click to expand...
Gosh, how very generous and altruistic of you. I'm very intersted indeed in making a few pennies on my book. I'm sure my friend Joanne Rowling would on her books as well; she's written something a bit daft about a boy wizard.... poor thing, I don't think she's done quite as well as me. Anyway, we'll be in touch! :)
 
my-princess-pony said:
Hello Pappa Fritter

As I am new to the forum I have found this thread the most helpful yet. I do have a slight issue that I would like you to help me out with.
I have had my new horse for a week now ( its a great big one), however it wont eat. The lady I bought it off said it licked extra strong mints some and mum went to Bookers Cash and Carry and got several boxes.
Excitedly we filled the kitchen bowl with these yummies and left it next to the cats feed bowl in the utilty. Imagine our dismay when the next morning they remained untouched.
We then realised we must have bought a "thick one" !!!
Do you think we need to enlarge the cat flap ? I have heard that horses can get out through the smallest gap, so we thought the standard size flap would be alright.
Also my friend says that I should take the wrappers of the mints first but I have heard that horses kept on their own can get bored, so we though we would like him to try and unwrap them to relieve this.
Also as I want to build a bond of trust between us, I leave the garden gate open as I dont want him to feel trapped. He has now been gone for two days. Is it too early to start worrying or should I lay a trail of the mints from his last home to my front door.

Please advise
Click to expand...

A horse can indeed squeeze into a gap as big as his head, so I can't imagine why your horse was unable to get into the kitchen. Did you remember to keep him indoors for 3 weeks before letting him out?? If you didn't, then you will have to try and lure him back with mints or kippers. Not many people know that horses adore kippers.
I hope you find him soon!!
 
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