When is mentally damaged too damaged

[Antw23uk]

This might ramble a bit so bear with me.
I've owned my horse for a little over a year, he's a big strapping 13yr old ID from Ireland and his history is unknown. He is very sensitive and was very shutdown when I got him (we think possibly ex hirling!)

On the outside he can be very stoic with perfect manners and a very safe, nice ride (mainly hacking, he has an easy life with me) and he makes me feel safe and gave me my confidence back after a few bad falls on a previous horse! I've always said that we very much found each other just when we both needed a break in life. He is what he is, he's a sensitive tit but he's very kind and there is no malice but you get the overwhelming impression that life has not been kind to him and he is very much a 'glass half empty' kinda boy and always assumes the worst will happen. To me its pretty obvious he's had a few beatings in his life from his reaction to certain things.

I've thrown everything at this horse to make him feel good, look good and be happy and comfortable but nothing seems to work in my favour and I feel he'd rather just be left alone. The only thing I wont do for him is put him in a large field with other horses because quiet frankly, I would NEVER see or touch him EVER again! He can be a bugger to catch and gets himself in such a tiz because he assumes im going to beat him for not being caught and it becomes this vicious cycle!

Recently, I sent a hair sample to a lady who does this 'reading' thing and after she had looked at his pic and waved a crystal over his mane hair, she gave me a call to talk about what she found out about him. Yes a bit wacky and not my usual thing but she came highly recommended from equestrians more professional than me, so I thought worth a go. Now this woman was spot on about this horse, she described him down to a T and she knew things about him physically she simply couldn't have known, that my horse had 'told her'. Honestly I don't take things like this seriously but she was so spot on it had me in tears. (FYI this post isn't for you to tell me your a believer or not) essentially he is happy with me but very emotionally blocked and always assumes anything good will end and he is resigned to the fact he will be moved on again so no point trusting anyone ... there was a lot more mentally but you get the idea. The physical things she described were too spot on, it was very weird!

This horse is damaged, much more than I ever thought and its because of his well natured, good mannered stoic character that he has put up with life and probably been passed from pillar to post. I love him but honestly I'm not really feeling the love right now and its breaking my heart. I want what's best for him but he is making me miserable with his lack of trust, being unable to catch him and his emotional outlook on life being so doom and gloom.

So, hating myself for thinking he will be right, and that I will be yet another face in his life that didn't last, I am thinking about moving him on. I feel like giving up on him! I wont sell him, I owe him a secure future so I am thinking a loan or even maybe just sending him to a nice retirement place to live out his days in a herd in a big field .. anything to make him happy and make me feel less miserable!

Does anyone else have emotionally damaged equines? any come good stories? I suppose I'm dreaming of the day I turn up and he calls from across the field and comes over knowing he is loved ....... Disney Fairy-tale ending inserted here!

 

[windand rain]

The more you make hm happy, the more you travel him and bring him back with you the more likely he will realise this is his long time home and begin to settle in Seems a shame but with time he should settle

 

[tiahatti]

You say the lady who did the reading said "essentially he is happy" so hold on to that. It might take him a very long time to become more trusting.He sounds very kind, is that him in the photo?

 

[southerncomfort]

I don't have any ground breaking pearls of wisdom I'm afraid but I can share my experiences with my mini shetland.

I've had her 2 1/2 years and for the first year I couldn't catch her. I had to either bring the others in first, so that she was more scared of being on her own than being caught, or if she was having a really bad day I just made a run from lthe field to the yard with leccy fencing.

During the second year of owning her she let her defences down a bit and I can catch her every time now and I can groom her but she flinches.

I don't know if she was beaten but she's definitely been severely neglected and, not having had any early handling, she never learned to trust humans.

Like you, it absolutely breaks my heart but then my OH will point out tiny things that she's done that a year ago would have been unthinkable. So progress is being made albeit at a glacial speed.

Our other pony took 2 years before she finally started to trust us. She did everything we asked of her but made it clear she didn't think very much of us!

I think if you were to give him another 6 months you'd see his defences come down more. I think he wants to trust you, he just doesn't know how.

 

[Carrottom]

I don't think a year is a long time when settling in a new horse, even one without baggage. I would work on the catching issue and try to be patient in building a relationship.

 

[Widgeon]

A year isn't all that long - if he's spent the rest of his life with different riders and short tempered treatment then I wouldn't expect him to let go of all that inside a year. I would persevere for another year and see if he starts to relax and trust you. I definitely wouldn't give up yet, particularly if he is essentially a sound, kind, safe hack.

 

[conniegirl]

Give him time, i had one who was shut down. He was perfect to ride with manners to burn but initially i never felt that he wanted to interact at all.
A few years down the line and he was a lovely and very loving boy.
all you can do is keep pampering him and give him time to come round.

eta - he did become that pony that comes cantering when he saw you in the field and calls to you when he saw you if he was in the stable.

 

[Snow Falcon]

One of my son's pony took a good year, if not more, to settle and enjoy being with us. From what history I know she was in a riding school, then working livery after being backed. Sold and left in a field for best part of a year. After she was ill (suspected hepatitis) she realised we were her "caring" humans and looked for affection. She would do a low snuffle/wuffle sound towards us.

Kindness will prevail and I'm sure he'll come round.

 

[Errin Paddywack]

Knowing what you do know about this horse and that he is basically a safe, kind horse, there is no way I personally would pass him on. Give him at least another year and if you are still unhappy with him retire him.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

I dont believe animals have developed notions of 'the future'. I think that's us anthropomorphising. I dont believe your horse can think "I'm happy therefore it's all going to end and I'll soon be unhappy". I think it's just a case of needing much more time to relax and enjoy a setting, than a horse without his past.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

OP, more time if you can.
One took me nearly 3 years to get any responsive behaviour that wasn't just a robotic response. Still reserved to the day she was pts but much more forthcoming in her latter years. Still was a baggage to catch if not at feed time but that wasn't an issue as she either came in for breakfast and waited in till riding or I could gently drive her into the yard and then catch her.
Her past wasnt pleasant at all.

 

[Mule]

I'd stick with it. He will open up in time and it will be very rewarding when he does.

 

[MissTyc]

I have had many emotionally damaged equines, and I'm going to be blunt, but the only thing that fixed them was putting them first which meant turnout in a large space with other, people-loving, confident horses. Once they have friends and become secure in their horse-horse friendships, I progress to the horse-human relationship, starting with step-matching and zero pressure, zero expectation companionship. Ironically, it takes longer, in my experience, with a horse like yours than with a totally unhandled feral as yours already has negative preconceptions. Perhaps I misunderstood and he's not on individual turnout, but if he is, then that is even more difficult for a horse who also doesn't trust his people than for any horse.

 

[milliepops]

I agree that a year is not that long particularly with a horse that has a troubled past.
I have one who is emotionally very needy for different reasons (long history of being kept alone) and she will always need me to put extra consideration into her needs, i have had to turn my horsey life around to keep her happy. but for me it was worth it. i knew i couldn't pass her on as she'd be back to square one and instead threw myself into setting up a life for her that was what she needed. We're almost 8 years down the line and she has repaid me in spades, but I accept it was not somehting that many people would have been prepared to do.

i think in your shoes OP, you need to carve out some emotional space for yourself. dealing with a tricky horse is draining. I've been juggling horse problems since October last year and I am almost burnt out, i know the feeling. Can you find a way to quietly carry on being his mate without having a ton of pressure on you for a bit? with mine, i found deadlines really liberating. With her initially i said that if "x (some small thing)" didn't improve by "y" date then i would PTS - although that seems drastic it actually took a weight off my shoulders because it put a weird light at the end of the tunnel i was in.

So maybe not that outcome, but if x doesn't improve by Y (longish term) date then you will send to a herd retirement?

when you're really desperate for improvement somehow it ends up being even harder to achieve. that mental step back really helped me to de-stress and then whaddayaknow the horse started to come around.

 

[Ownedby4horses]

He sounds like a wonderful horse, I totally agree that a year isn’t long at all. My mare, when she first came to me was very emotionally shut down, terrified of everything, she didn’t start to trust, relax and settle in until around 2 years of consistent handling. She’s wonderful and I now wouldn’t part with her for the world.

Obviously there’s only you that can decide but personally I would keep him. If You felt the session with the lady was helpful, have a look at Margrit Coates, amazing lady.

 

[honetpot]

I had a brood mare on loan, she had travelled from Ireland as a foster mare with a TB foal. She then was sold and put in foal and had two graded foals. I got her on the understanding that she live out with other mares. When I first got her catching her was getting her into a shed, and she did the wall of death, this was just to trim her feet. Once you caught her she would stand like a rock but her body would shake.
I had her for about five years before she was PTS at home. She lived with the same mares in and out in a group, and took her confidence from them, she did get a bit better, I could walk up to her and catch her, and even separate her from the group as long as they were in sight.
I think routine is the key, I wouldn't move the horse on, the best thing you can do for the horse is be dependable. I have an old pony that I sold as a nice happy young pony, he is now very grumpy, and I just wonder all the time what did they do to him. If he is doing your job, is care and consistency much to ask.

 

[SEL]

When I look at my two big horses 7 years down the line they are totally different to the horses I started with. Both had bad experiences with humans but whereas one would lash out the other just internalised everything and shut down. He was never, ever nasty and was incredible with kids but always alert around adults - especially men. Nowadays he'll stand for my OH to put his headcollar on upside down and will happily snuffle my farrier for treats. I no longer have to request a female vet to avoid him bogging off into the distance.

I didn't do anything special - I just kept turning up and being there for them.

Same with the pony really. She was incredibly well behaved in that shut down kind of way and only now - nearly 2 years later - is she beginning to show her very cheeky character.

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

I must have missed something in this post.

Because of his chequered past, your kind, well-mannered horse finds it difficult to trust humans, so you are considering moving him on? That can't be right surely, it just doesn't make sense. If it's the catching that you are finding difficult, work on that. Either leave a field-safe headcollar on or change your catching routine.
We bought a young Appaloosa that we were told was difficult to catch, so when we saw that she had jumped the wall into the 60 acres next door to talk to the pony there, we did wonder how long it would be before we saw her again!
However she was used to being caught with a headcollar, we use rope halters. So we took a bucket and a halter, put the halter over the bucket and lifted it over her ears while she had her head in the bucket. It took just a very few minutes and she has never been difficult to catch with a halter, which we think is because it doesn't rattle.
Or you could confirm his fears and move him on again, proving that he was right not to trust.

 

[smolmaus]

I also think a year is not a long time for a 13yo. That's potentially 8 years or more of harsh treatment in his past that he has to let go of, a lot for him to unlearn.

We have horses from all sorts of backgrounds at the sanctuary. Some dumped, starved, just generally neglected and some yeah that have had harsh treatment and the timeline for them coming around and becoming interested in life again is completely individual. What I will say is that it takes someone with the right frame of mind to take on a horse like that. The ones we have that are as damaged as your boy are rarely rehomed or they go to people the sanctuary have known for a very long time, the risk of them just being returned again is too high and that's not fair on them. I don't say that to discourage you, just to let you know that you have taken on a very difficult thing and it is okay to find it hard and to have days where you think you can't do it anymore. I will also say that the pay off for the time and the work and the worry can be really beautiful.

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

We once adopted a very badly treated cat who had been beaten, kicked and starved as a kitten. CPL let us take her because we could offer her a very quiet, open life where she could wander in and out as she pleased and didn't have to interact with humans.

It took years before she was a normal, friendly cat. It was months before she would be in the same room as us. A year before she climbed onto my mum's lap and shortly after she allowed some stroking, only on her terms. It was about two years before we could pick her up without a significant threat to our lives. The vet used to wear metal gauntlets and chain mail to handle her.

After about 3 years she was the most loving, playful and happy family pet. She was absolutely worth the investment in time and patience.

 

[Ali27]

I’ve got a little companion pony that I’ve had for nearly 3 years. I initially had her on loan and had to promise never to put a child on her as she would erupt! They also had problems catching her and I think it was because she was in pain and didn’t want to be caught. I decided to buy her for £100 as she is a perfect companion for my mare. I had a few issues at first catching her, especially in Winter when cold, wet and windy and I’m guessing maybe the weather made her feel sore. She is also far happier being out 24/7 rather than in at night. I had my physio look at her and she is definitely not right in the back end so never will be ridden but is perfectly field sound and I rarely have any problems catching her now. I think she has finally realised that being caught means nice things like food and not pain. She can still be nervous and flighty but loads better. Have you had your boy checked for any pain related issues? Have you thought about maybe giving him a few months off and just doing some groundwork, bringing him in for a feed/ groom to really develop that bond?

 

[Petmurf]

Poor boy, he does sound troubled but he has you now to love him and gain his trust.

Sorry if you’ve already tried this but clicker training worked for getting my boy to come to me in the field, I don’t know his background but once I got him and put him out in the fields with friends, grass and the sun on his back he went feral, could not catch him for weeks so I started clicker training once I finally caught him and little by little he became easier to catch to the point I just had to click the clicker, call him and he came running, I made him see that coming to me was the best thing ever and he was rewarded with a treat. 18 months down the line and I only have to call him now if he’s not already waiting by the gate ?

 

[Arzada]

A safe hack and a lovely horse too would mean everything to me so I'd stand by him. If you're thinking of retiring him then you could try a temporary retirement by letting him be with others and visit them all in the field one by one. It would be great if he found a pal or more and that would work in your favour during visits. At his pace, build up from zero demands to being caught. I don't know your set up and how often you can visit the horses so this might not work.

 

[Pippity]

I'd say it takes any horse at least a year to properly settle in. For one with a history of emotional neglect, it'll understandably take a lot longer.

Mine was of the 'never abused but never loved' type, and it took a good year for her to accept that humans could be pleasant to interact with. It's been over three years now, and she's still coming out of her shell a little more every day. Yesterday, for the first time, she called to me when she saw me coming. A month or so ago, she started moving towards me when I went to catch her (rather than looking up, seeing me coming, and going right back to eating).

Assuming the communicator is correct, if you move him on, you'll just be confirming that, yes, pleasant situations are only temporary so there's no point getting used to them. As long as he's doing the job you bought him for, stick with him and give him time. (Incidentally, mine improved massively when she went from a small herd of 2-3 to a big-ish mixed herd of 10-11.)

 

[Sossigpoker]

I would turn him out for a year (if he likes being out and in a herd ) and then reassess. If he has more spark then I'd re-start him like a youngster.
Or just let him be a horse.
If retirement is an option , then sounds like the poor boy may be owed that after the life he has had.

Being shut down can also be a result of pain and also a result of inconsistent riding, like lots of people asking the same thing in different ways so the horse doesn't have a hope of responding correctly. This breaks my heart tbh.

 

[Trouper]

Please correct me if I am wrong, but I think there is a piece of "communication" with/about your boy that you are missing. You need to actually tell him that you understand all about his past now, that he is really in his forever home and that he can relax and start to enjoy life.

I know many others will find this a bit whacky but I have seen it work with a horse who was convinced that he was only here for a while and would be passed on. The change when he was reassured that that was not the case was mind blowing. I don't know why it works - maybe they can read our thought processes if we are having doubts about keeping them - but it will cost you nothing to try it!!

And, yes, I agree with others who have said that a year is not long to get over years of unhappiness and learn to trust. Personally, I would kill for a safe ID hack and it sounds as if the two of you were meant to be together. Please keep faith with him.

 

[Tarragon]

Another one that thinks you should give him longer. He is nice to ride and ticks all those boxes. I suggest that you keep a diary and and keep an entry for all the little achievements; I think you would be pleasantly surprised when you look back on it, how much change there has been!

 

[canteron]

I have a bit of an adorable but grouchy ID who also came from Ireland and I am pretty sure had been beaten up a few times.
She did lots of good stuff but never quite felt on my side.
The change for us - and it was a totally dramatic change - was when I started doing liberty work with her. In the end I could ride her without a saddle or bridle in all 3 paces!
I think the fact she had a real choice and decided it was fun was the critical point.
If you would like an idea on how we started feel free to PM me x

 

[paddy555]

I must have missed something in this post.

Because of his chequered past, your kind, well-mannered horse finds it difficult to trust humans, so you are considering moving him on? That can't be right surely, it just doesn't make sense.

I must have missed something as well.

I want what's best for him but he is making me miserable with his lack of trust, being unable to catch him and his emotional outlook on life being so doom and gloom.

The problem doesn't seem to be the horse but the fact he is making you miserable. To me I am afraid that is not grounds for moving him on to make him happy. Simply to make yourself less miserable.

I have taken on several of these type of horses. Usually around 4/5/6 usually when people have F**ked them up.
He may well never gallop across the field to you, front legs outstretched to embrace you. However he may never have done that in the first place.

I don't see your problem, he is safely rideable. You can't catch him then teach him. If he is kept alone then put him out with company. If you can't catch him in a large field and herd then fence off a smaller area and give him a pony. The pony will come for food and bring him in with it.

A year is nothing.

 

[Leandy]

I dont believe animals have developed notions of 'the future'. I think that's us anthropomorphising. I dont believe your horse can think "I'm happy therefore it's all going to end and I'll soon be unhappy". I think it's just a case of needing much more time to relax and enjoy a setting, than a horse without his past.

Agree. I think there is a lot of anthropomorphising going on in the OPs post. I don't really understand the OP's problem? This seems to be a nice, safe horse to ride but is rather wary and not in your face cuddly. The only real problem mentioned is he is difficult to catch. OP if this is not the horse for you then you are right in thinking of moving him on to another more suitable home. I'm not however clear on what is not right about this horse apart from the catching, which is really annoying but can be managed and presumably you are doing so at the moment? Not all horses are cuddly and sociable. He is who he is, accept him as that rather than try to change him. I think it is more sensible to try to change your mindset to accept him, rather than to expect him to change his mindset to be the horse you would like him to be. Can you not accept him as he is and love him for his perfect manners and nice, safe ride?