Boggle- USA bound!

[scats]

I had a sort of similar problem with a horse who had colic surgery. It turned out he had a rare digestive disorder to do with a low number of digestive enzymes ( or something) in his caecum. The months after his surgery were scary, then 5 months later we had to rush him back to hospital on Christmas Eve. Fortunately he came home after a week with no intervention needed there other than tubing and fluids. But those early days I lived in fear of finding him colicking. I almost developed a phobia of my phone ringing because it was often someone from the yard telling me he didn’t look right.
I never felt settled and that fear didn’t go away, although it did ease. He would have a mild colic maybe twice a year, sorted by a jab. But one day, 4 years later, the jab didn’t work as normal. And I just knew we’d reached the end of the road and we put him to sleep in the middle of the night.

Those 4 years, although wonderful to still have him, were filled with anxiety.

 

[SEL]

I totally get where you're coming from.

I can guarantee leaving the Appy to go on holiday will result in "something" going wrong. It doesn't make holidays relaxing. Nor does researching every single thing that goes wrong with her.

But I think you have to start leaving him with other people and trusting them to do the best by him.

 

[Ahrena]

Go have a break mate.
I know you and I know what you’re like with your research and it’s admirable. But it also means you aren’t letting yourself have any headspace. Or time to heal from the stress and anxiety, or any space to accept the possibility of him not being rideable again.

I know it was a different situation, but I felt a lot better mentally after I went on holiday about 2 months after Lexi died. It wasn’t the greatest trip I’ve ever had since I was in a shitty headspace but it was a helpful way to hit a pause button so I could pull myself together a bit and get myself into a slightly better headspace.
Problems also seem that bit further away when you’re surrounded by nature.

As for the ongoing anxiety… it just takes time I think. After I lost Lexi I struggled to go for more than half an hour without checking the ponies. Remember, I quit a job after 2 days because I was getting so anxious being away from home all day. Going away and having to trust someone else to care for them helped that too.

If something dreadful were to happen, you might not be able to get to him in time anyway. If the situation had happened with Lexi when I was working, I might not of been able to be there in time - even just being 30 minutes away, she would of been gone before I made it there because it would of been cruel to keep her alive for an extra minute. And I can’t just not work incase something happens.

If you’re worried about the rehab, and him taking breaks, is there an option to pay a freelancer? Or your friend?

 

[Trouper]

Michen - you're exhausted and exhausted people don't make good decisions and they just exhaust themselves further by letting everything whirl away constantly in their brains. You have to break the cycle and give yourself some rest. Above all you owe it to Bog, after all you have done for him so far, to make the right calls for him now and you might not be able to do that when you are so tired.

Set up the best cover for him and get away. Accept that sh**t might happen and be prepared to live with that. When you are more rested make the long-term plans you are happy with and feel able to say that, if the worst happens, that you did all you could for him and you can be at peace with yourself for the rest of your days over those decisions.

No life - human or horse - has a stress-free life. We can only try to keep a balanced approach to all the trials.

Granny Trouper lecture ends!!

 

[angel7]

You have to let go or you will never be able to relax and live the rest of your life. Stop obsessing about research and rehab and what else you can do. Time and self healing can help BOG more than anything else and you cannot fix everything that may or may not happen. Trying too many things can also be counterproductive to recovery.
I was actually sadly relieved when one of mine was pts as the constant worry and anxiety and trying to fix her was o v e r.
This hamster on a wheel thinking seems worse I think when you are surrounded by horsey people. Spending time away from it helps you see the madness of it.
Horses live in the moment. They do not worry about tommorrow, about hurting themselves galloping or if they will be loosing their owner sometime.
You need to learn to do the same. Enjoy him when you are with him and the sunshine he brings to your life. Then enjoy the rest of your life. Come what may.

 

[ROMANY 1959]

Reading all this, last 3 hours I may say… Takes me to 2008, I took on a TB with Northern Dancer lines, she was for my son to ride, she had been in Polocrosse with past owner, and my son was just starting learning the sport in pony club . I had ridden from age 6 myself
she was not expensive, and yard was local, with lessons for my 9 year old lad to learn Polocrosse.
we spent weekends at the yard or at local tournaments, my son loved that horse,
then life took a huge swerve, my husband got cancer , was in hospital 6 months, then home with help from MacMillan nurses. But I still kept working, doing the horse , my son turned 10, how I did it all looking back now, lord knows, the hospital was 25 miles away, and I was doing horse at 5 am, weekdays, work, then afternoon hospital, then evening horse again. My husband passed away,

but life had to go on for my son. We ploughed all effort into the horse, and his sport, bought a lorry, went part time work, then horse went lame, bless her she did it in the winter, so we turned her out to mooch in a field. She came sound, for a while. But I knew we had to retire her, so she went to a friend as a companion. But she had fields on a steep hillside, and poor horse slipped on an icy bit and hurt her knees
Vet said she may be field sound, who knows. We tried everything, but she developed arthritis in the knees, vet advises PTS, but my son had lost his dad, how could he loose his horse as well. So we gave her Bute , loved her, thought let her have a nice summer,

then one May morning ,we went to visit her. my son went to get her in, and came running back crying she wouldn’t get up, we called vet, she must been trying to get up all night, she had shattered her knee, I knew she was on borrowed time , but I thought I was doing best. She went that morning, farmer dug a hole and we buried her in her field..

I did all that I did to spare my son any more grief, he was only 12 then. Lost his dad, his beloved horse, his sport.
we did get over it, got another polo pony to train up, and my son and his team went on to be UKPA junior champions few years later.
but it will always haunt me. I wanted to do what I thought was best and it ended like that .

so all I can say to you is do what you think is best, but do listen to vets as well. But you also need to have a life yourself .
I don’t have horses now I have dogs.
But I will always remember my sons TB best friend
I don’t know you, just read the posts from when you took him to USA, and your adventures. I do so hope it works out well. I can’t say you will ride him again, but you can still love him, play with him, even ride and lead if he is able to.
best of look. I will keep following your story.
I am thinking of you and praying all comes good. Xx

 

[brighteyes]

You what’s really hard? Doing this pretty much all by yourself, carrying the entire emotional can single-handedly. I know the forum is here with words of consolation, ideas and support but he is your world. You took him out there and you didn’t do that on a whim. So the fear of losing him, never mind being in this deep, has to be playing a significant part. We all do the research and stuff and at least you know you’ve left no stone unturned and it’s probably time to see what happens with minimal intervention.

You said the US is where you belong. He belongs with you, that much is clear. You done everything and more and it’s probably time to set some realistic time limits and level of heroics and money beyond which it’s unreasonable or fair to go.

As others have said, you’re wiped out emotionally, which inevitably means physically too and probably not in the best shape for making sensible decisions. I think you’ve earned a break, at the very least, and your presence will likely not impact how things progress, or don’t. Nobody will judge you for calling time if that’s what it comes down to, but beyond any doubt you’ve gone way past what most of us would have been able to - and please be comforted by that.

I personally feel ‘heroics’ are something which shouldn’t ever apply, but allowing him time to recuperate and comfortably be a Boggle are a reasonable interim.

Xx

 

[BallyRoanBaubles]

I have nothing to add that hasn’t already been said but you deserve a break Michen x

 

[equinerebel]

I greatly admire you, michen. Your passion, determination and strength are incredible.

If it were my mare, I’d have had to pts a long time ago. I don’t have the finances and my mare does not travel or cope with change well at all. Bog is different. Bog has travelled across the world. He’s incredible. You’ve absolutely done the right decision by him at every step of the way and I have no doubt you’ll continue to do so.

You need a break.

 

[Sheep]

I don’t think I have anything else to add, other than I think the distance has finally let you come up for air and it’s totally normal and OK to feel totally overwhelmed when you are adjacent to everything instead of being in the middle of it.
I think you have done absolutely the right things for Bog in your particular situation and I think you really deserve a break & some headspace.

 

[Boulty]

*Hugs* I’ve been there with the horses that cause as much pain and stress and anxiety as they do joy.

I’ve been on the verge of dropping out of Uni because the college that were supposed to have my horse on loan (who’d had him on trial beforehand btw) gave back word. I literally spent the entirety of freshers in tears, not attending anything and just not wanting to be there. I ended up having to drive home every weekend at one point when his second loan arrangement fell through & it turned out there were things said loaner hadn’t been straight with me about. I took him back from his 3rd loaner about a year before originally planned because their circumstances changed and he’d also developed additional health issues whilst on loan. As a result of everything going on with him I ended up having him PTS about 6 months later. I had a lot of regret for a long time about going to uni and leaving him and wondering if I hadn’t whether certain things would have been picked up earlier/ if he’d have suffered less. I failed the probation at a job I’d just started partly because of the stress of him being unwell & then PTS (& possibly partly because of the after effects of a concussion from the last time I rode him)

Then there was the orange Welsh who I walked an insane tightrope with for several years to keep him sound and happy and alive. I don’t regret it & when things were good they were amazing (& I ache to have that feeling again that I had with him on his best days) but it was hard, it was stressful & it was emotionally exhausting. I’ll admit I didn’t really tend to go away & leave him (there were few people I trusted with him) although I did once nearly drive back to Yorkshire on day one of a week away at Badminton because my YO couldn’t catch him & I was terrified of him going laminitic if he didn’t come off the grass during the day & get his meds (she rang me a few hours later to say she’d managed to grab him). I spent most of my time away being on edge worrying about him. Not saying that’s great or healthy but that’s how it was. In hindsight I do think there was a point that had I known what was going to follow I would have made that call rather than moving him to a track system an hour away as one last roll of the dice (there were things there that turned out not to be ideal for him management wise, I got very frustrated at times about him being on full livery and things not being done as I would do them / as I would like and there were a lot of additional health issues that developed/ came to light after he moved there) but I think if I’d done it at the time I’d have forever hated myself for it / wondered about what ifs. The pony wasn’t the only one totally and utterly done with it all by the finish.

I don’t have a magical answer btw (other than we all must be mad to have horses in the first place). You know what decisions you can & can’t live with. Yes at some point you are going to have to resume normal life / going on trips & enjoying the amazing country you’ve found yourself in & enjoying your other hobbies. But that doesn’t have to be right this second now if it doesn’t feel right for it to be. I don’t know what the ideal answer is MH wise. Talking to a therapist or similar about it might help and give you strategies to cope a little better or it might not. I think how you’re feeling right now / have been feeling for the past few months is not surprising given all you’ve been through but it’s not a healthy place to stay in long term xxx

 

[Cragrat]

Oh Michen, I hope you are back soon to give Bog a hug.

Reading all these replies, I do agree you need a break. As you said earlier, Bog has your money, and your soul. You need to replenish both for his sake and yours.

Many people have talked about circumstances in which they wish they had PTS earlier. Those are NOT the same situation that Bog is in. I think you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by him, each time. He had pneumonia, fought it and recovered. Not a case for PTS. Months later he became ataxic. There was no indication of a link at the time, and even now the link is quite tenous. Not, in my opinion, a case for PTS, given that you luckily can afford the medical bills, and Bog is such a fighter.

Should you put him through a colic surgery? Hell no. Should you treat him if he got some other medical need, from which he had a good chance of recovery? In my opinion, yes.

Personally, I am also addicted to obssessively reseaching causes, outcomes and possible treatments. If nothing else, I like to understand what the vets are doing, why, and to know what questions to ask. It gives a little control back in a chaotic situation.

Finally, whilst I would whole heartedly throw myself in to his rehab programme, I wouldn't stress about time away from it either. See above re: soul

You are strong, but not actually made of steel - look after yourself



( ETA I don't think any of the other posters in any way did the wrong thing by PTS in THEIR situation. I am firmly in the 'week too soon rather than a day too late' camp, and in Michen's situaltion I would not have had the money for the investigations and interventions she did, so may well have had to PTS. )

 

[Boulty]

PS If finances weren’t an issue the choices you’ve made thus far with him are likely very similar to the ones I would have for a horse I deemed would be able to deal with the recovery. I absolutely will keep fighting whilst ever there is a spark of hope for a good quality of life. I’ll admit that me being me I’d probably have cancelled both trips because the effect on my MH of worrying about derailing rehab would probably negate any positive effects of escaping the bubble but appreciate that’s probably not a particularly healthy mindset (& I’m not used to that being an option anyway tbh) and that if you feel you can it probably would benefit you to get away for a bit & recharge / escape the stress of it all.

 

[ponynutz]

Nothing to say Michen other than you're the type of horse owner I aspire to be. Only you can answer your own questions but I'd push you to trust yourself and your judgement because it's been fantastic so far.

Sending hugs x

 

[Pinkvboots]

You have to live your life and you so deserve a break from it all and what will be will be I think, its so easy to get tied up and so invested in horses I've done it I'm still doing it but you can't put your life on hold.

I go away quite a bit now my horses are older now I'm older I hate UK weather my oh works bloody hard and needs a break we have a lovely house abroad in the canaries, I have an absolute breakdown inside everytime we go away leaving the horses and the dogs but once I'm there I do feel better.

It's definitely the leaving bit that gets me everytime it's hard.

 

[little_critter]

If you don’t want to go away, could you have a few long weekend breaks where you don’t go to the yard for that time and have a mini break either at home or not too far away. I find a long weekend is just enough to decompress and you could still be near enough so that if the worst happens, you could get back to Bog. I don’t imagine 4 days off would have a massive impact on any rehab plans?

 

[teapot]

You need a break for your mental and physical health, because if you carry on the way you are, you could collapse metaphorically, perhaps even literally right when Bog needs you. I think you’d beat yourself up about that too, so please give yourself a break. You’ve been through in six months what most people don’t experience in a lifetime with horses.




As for financially, just a general point and this really general, not aimed at anyone as I’ve seen it mentioned on a number of posts - there’s a huge difference between being able to afford something and paying for it by credit card. Monthly repayments to some may seem fine, but I think, especially given the world’s instability, it wouldn’t be something I would do, even if credit limits would allow because of wider factors.

 

[Michen]

Thank you everyone. It all feels a little less overwhelming today, I really appreciate the replies and will post properly a bit later, it’s moving day for Bog today! He was so cute and thrilled to be doing a bit of work last night, just some poles and a walk around the trails. I can’t see anything off behind but his front leg will occasionally buckle- sort of like when their knee doesn’t lock- it’s very subtle and not a “trip” but it’s there. He doesn’t seem to do it when he’s fired up which I guess is good. He seems to handle poles very well, can jog like an idiot down a steep hill, spin around on the lead rope etc. All the general Boggle things!

And teapot yes that’s a good point- I do NOT have the finances just sat there and have had to use credit for all of this. The difference is I’m able to clear it all within 3- 6 months or so, but it would take not very much for that to change in the world of sales (deals slipping etc). So it’s still a big risk. One I’m comfortable with though. And it scuppers my plans to buy property etc, for a while anyway.

So yes whilst I’ve been able to finance this all it’s not without giving something else up, I’m sure most of you on here own your own house etc and are far more sensible about how you spend your cash than me!!

Pic of him last night, makes it all worth it I am going to see how this move goes for the next week or so then decide on any travel. And yes if not a proper trip, definitely a long weekend somewhere perhaps.

 

[Michen]

Oh gah this is not less overwhelming. Moving feels like the end of an era together re being ridden. And I’m going to really miss my barn crew, it’s been such a solid consistent landing since I got here. I’ll miss the barn hands and their cheerful Spanish greetings.

F*** it is all just hard. Think I’m going to cry all the way down the drive!

 

[palo1]

Keep going just a little bit longer to get settled in the new place. Who knows how much further Boggle might progress too so try not to put all or any future of riding him at the forefront of your mind. He needs time and so do you and the new barn may make all manner of other things easier though it is sad to lose your connection to the current place. Boggle sounds like he is doing really well and that is because of you. I really hope things get and truly feel easier very soon. x

 

[hollyandivy123]

.......................if I or you @Michen had one of these I would have 6 numbers and a bonus ball and you would have been able to see what will happen to him in 3 years time and would have known if you had made the correct decision over the last few months

look at today, focus on today

 

[Michen]

Keep going just a little bit longer to get settled in the new place. Who knows how much further Boggle might progress too so try not to put all or any future of riding him at the forefront of your mind. He needs time and so do you and the new barn may make all manner of other things easier though it is sad to lose your connection to the current place. Boggle sounds like he is doing really well and that is because of you. I really hope things get and truly feel easier very soon. x

You are so right! I’m guilty for always wanting more. Gosh if you had told me when he was in hospital and staggering around that he’d be trotting, cantering, bucking a few weeks later I would have been thrilled. And I am!

I just turned him out for a bit before we go and watching him muck around is just the best thing ever. To think when I got him home 2.5 weeks ago I was scared to even lead him out the stable.

 

[meggymoo]

At what point do you have to make a definite decision on the first trip? Are you realistically able to give it another week or so, let him settle in and see how you feel then? Is it possible if you decide to go, to speak to the vets first, giving them clear instructions (may be even in writing) perhaps to ring you first, but then to go ahead, should the worst happen. Knowing how Boggle seems to like throwing spanners into works, perhaps if every eventuality is covered, it won't hold such appeal to him and contingency plans will be binned when you get home!
Only you can know whether to go or not. Its easy for any of us to give opinions, we aren't in your shoes but I do know that looking back over the last couple of months Boggle has been your priority and you will always do right by him, whether that means being by his side or taking a breather to recharge your batteries. I'm sure none of us will judge you.

 

[Michen]

At what point do you have to make a definite decision on the first trip? Are you realistically able to give it another week or so, let him settle in and see how you feel then? Is it possible if you decide to go, to speak to the vets first, giving them clear instructions (may be even in writing) perhaps to ring you first, but then to go ahead, should the worst happen. Knowing how Boggle seems to like throwing spanners into works, perhaps if every eventuality is covered, it won't hold such appeal to him and contingency plans will be binned when you get home!
Only you can know whether to go or not. Its easy for any of us to give opinions, we aren't in your shoes but I do know that looking back over the last couple of months Boggle has been your priority and you will always do right by him, whether that means being by his side or taking a breather to recharge your batteries. I'm sure none of us will judge you.

Yes totally I can. I have flight credit from cancelling it last time. And it’s just a free space on a liveaboard that a friend runs so no commitment/issue if I don’t get on it.

Honestly I’m scared to even book flights because twice now, a week before I’m due to go diving, he’s nearly died

 

[Annagain]

Michen, please take this in the spirit it is intended. You always seem to me to be quite an intense person - you seem throw everything you have at something and while you're doing things, they seem to consume you. 90% of the time, that's brilliant - it's gotten you where you are today in a great, well paid job in the middle of a huge life adventure which will probably lead to other great things. But 10% of the time, it can mean that your focus almost becomes hyper-fixated and you need all the information you can find on a subject and all the treatment you can afford and every gadget under the sun to help him. I honestly think you're going to make yourself ill (and heavily in debt) if you carry on like this.

I think you need to focus less on fixing him, on rehab and all the what ifs and just chill out on the Boggle front for a bit. I know turning him away isn't really an option where you are but I think I'd forget about rehab and exercises and ground work or whatever you have planned at the moment and just get him settled in the new place and let him get on with life at least until the spring if not for longer. You can deal with whatever you're faced with then. He won't be any worse off for it.

You've been incredibly unlucky with him since moving to the states but that's what it is, bad luck. No matter what management you had in place for him, it would have happened so let him relax for a bit and use that time to do the same yourself. If that means travelling, do it. I know you want the best for him but you have trusted people around you whom you employ (as opposed to a lot of us who have to call in favours if we have a problem) so trust them, it's not all on you.

 

[Michen]

Thanks AA I agree, although I won't be in long term debt so I'm really not concerned about that. The rehab thing is something I need to do now if I'm going to try and do it, that much is clear from the vets and research. So I don't really have the luxury of deciding to do nothing until spring IF I want to try and rehab him. And I know I will try, because... everything you said really.

I just have to figure out a way to balance it all in a healthy way I think.

I did smile at your post because your right re intensity, expect Boggle is pretty much the only thing I'm intense about. I'm actually a fundamentally lazy person in pretty much every other way and aspect of life- haha!

 

[Michen]

Just going to leave this picture here before i properly updated but here is Bog back with his mate.

I didn’t cry leaving the barn. Grabbed Boggle from the paddock and he bounded on the trailer and I grinned the whole way.

Here is adventure two in Co, whatever that may be- as long as we are together it’s all good

Oh - the pig introduction did NOT go well. I’ve actually never seen Bog so upset. He will have to get on with it- there’s only so much I can do!

 

[Lurfy]

About the rehab. I think if you are spending x amount of time with Bog each week anyway, you might as well do something that may benefit him during that time. Stepping over poles etc is easy to do.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I was at a yard with a pig once. My TB and others there were initially hysterical, but that died down the more the pig became an everyday thing. Mine was never 100% comfortable, but close enough to be quite manageable/civilized about it.

Love that he's with a new friend in a field!

 

[meleeka]

One of mine was terrified of my little piglets. It only took a few days and they live next door to them quite happily now, even chatting through the fence.