Expectations of 'bonding' with your horse detrimental to horse ownership?

[paddy555]

Someone on my yard today said they wanted a foal as they would develop a better bond....

had to laugh at that. My foal was 5 months when he came. We spent his first night together and we were in love. We had a bond.
2 months later he was rushed to horse hospital where he had to stay in isolation for several days. There was definitely a bond there. Sadly it was with the hospital groom who had to spend most of her time caring for him. I was long forgotten.

 

[Cortez]

Maybe it is because I have been a lifelong horse professional and just expected to get on and ride the damn things without investigating whether that involved any kind of romantic feelings between us, but I get really eye-rolly whenever anyone starts going on about how only they can catch/ride/handle/whatever their horse. That to me would be the most embarrassing failure in the world, and a prime example of poor training. I have had plenty of difficult, complicated horses in my life, and as someone being paid to ride it should go without saying that they go better for me than for an amateur rider, but this idea that there is some sort of magic involved is frankly insulting. It's competence that makes things go well, ffolks, like in that Yakult yoghurt ad (presuming you get that over there?).

 

[AdorableAlice]

Maybe it is because I have been a lifelong horse professional and just expected to get on and ride the damn things without investigating whether that involved any kind of romantic feelings between us, but I get really eye-rolly whenever anyone starts going on about how only they can catch/ride/handle/whatever their horse. That to me would be the most embarrassing failure in the world, and a prime example of poor training. I have had plenty of difficult, complicated horses in my life, and as someone being paid to ride it should go without saying that they go better for me than for an amateur rider, but this idea that there is some sort of magic involved is frankly insulting. It's competence that makes things go well, ffolks, like in that Yakult yoghurt ad (presuming you get that over there?).

Best comment ever.

 

[PapaverFollis]

I have had people tell me that I have a "lovely bond" with my horses because they behave themselves nicely for certain things. I smile and nod and think "nope just training". I know it's not a mystical bond because where my own training incompetencies are the "lovely bond" does sweet eff all for the problem...

 

[SEL]

My 2 big horses were both semi rescues in that they came to me in less than ideal circumstances. Their bond with each other is quite intense (not helpful when you need to introduce a new pony I'm finding) but their view of me is that I provide security I think.

Although I could just be Bringer of Food Bucket which gives godlike status in our herd ?

 

[JFTDWS]

I have had people tell me that I have a "lovely bond" with my horses because they behave themselves nicely for certain things. I smile and nod and think "nope just training". I know it's not a mystical bond because where my own training incompetencies are the "lovely bond" does sweet eff all for the problem...

Which is marginally better than the old "you're so lucky, all your horses are so good!".

FFS.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Ha, I've had my old boy for 26yrs. He had to be transported to the vets a number of years ago for a x-ray. There was also another horse on te lorry kicking up a stink because it couldn't be separated from its owner as they had such a close "bond". Bloody pain in the arse, spoilt and ill mannered more like.

Guess who's animal kicked up a fuss when the owner left it in the stable at the vets? Yep, mine!?

 

[Shilasdair]

I remember working on a yard up in the far north where a well-known instructor commented on the 'bond' I had with my horse - and suggested I ride her without a bridle...I declined.

I really like horses, I find everything about them interesting. I try to be kind to them. I take efforts to make them happy as well as healthy. I spoil them a little with treats, I scratch their itchy bits, I like that they whinny when they see me. I always speak to them. And horses DO know if you really like them.

But - they have to be polite, no biting, kicking, pawing, fidgeting etc. No negotiation.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

I’ve found myself thinking about this a lot recently given the spate of unruly youngster posts.

I’ve had my older boy 4 years now and on the face of it some might interpret our relationship as having a strong bond, but I think the reality is I’m firm and fair with him and above all consistent so he’s always very clear on what the boundaries are and appreciates that.

I bought my first foal at the end of 2018 after owning and riding since childhood. I’m incredibly lucky to have an awesome support network around me, which was the only reason I was brave enough to actually go down the route of having a proper baby. I felt quite intimidated by the huge responsibility that is laying the foundations, but the reality has been that I now have a well mannered 2yo as those of us that have handled him have been firm and consistent with him from day one, and yes that has included the odd smack if he’s tried to bite or throw his weight around, but those short, sharp reminders have meant he’s never in doubt of where the boundaries are and I’m not left with a confused youngster with escalating behaviour. Despite being firm with him there’s no love lost or impact to any perceived “bond”. He still canters across the field whinnying when he sees me, but I think that’s more down to him being a nosy bugger with too much energy than anything else! ?

 

[PapaverFollis]

I am She Who Sometimes Has A Treat. ?

Although I could just be Bringer of Food Bucket which gives godlike status in our herd ?

 

[Shilasdair]

Horses actually like clear and consistent boundaries.

And horses who have no boundaries have no manners. And lack of manners makes them dangerous. And dangerous horses quickly spiral to the bottom, and end up going for meat. So people who have an 'unbreakable bond' with their horse at the expense of boundaries/manners are actually doing them a real disservice.

 

[Gloi]

All winter my pony whinnies and runs up to me the second he sees me. The second the spring grass comes through I have to walk up the field to get him Cupboard love indeed.
If you want an animal who will always love you get a puppy.

 

[EventerPony]

I am guilty of trying all that nonsense. I later realised that getting Sunshine to follow me around the field was useful in no way whatsoever. She still whinnies when she sees me though, which is nice.

 

[Chinchilla]

If you want an animal who will always love you get a puppy.

or a chinchilla. (the rodent, not the HHO user!)

 

[Eclipse 2020]

I have what you would describe as magical bond to be honest it just happened I wasn’t trying to create it was my first horse. It turned into nightmare when other people were handling her because she only wants me. I have never seen a horse so attached to me .

 

[SEL]

Horses actually like clear and consistent boundaries.

And horses who have no boundaries have no manners. And lack of manners makes them dangerous. And dangerous horses quickly spiral to the bottom, and end up going for meat. So people who have an 'unbreakable bond' with their horse at the expense of boundaries/manners are actually doing them a real disservice.

That was the 4yo hand reared youngster that I took on as a freebie 6 years ago. 700kg of angry, no boundaries thug! She was a beautiful foal and everyone felt sorry for her so she was literally spoilt rotten.

So when people tell me these days that's she's really well behaved and their horses wouldn't tie up nicely to have a bath I grit my teeth and remember all the days when I was dodging hooves and teeth and wondering when to call the hunt.

 

[poiuytrewq]

Well me and my fur baby are totally bonded so...... ?

 

[ycbm]

or a chinchilla. (the rodent, not the HHO user!)

You mean you don't love us all unconditionally?

My day is ruined.

 

[skint1]

I grew up loving horses but not having a lot of opportunity to be with them so of course i devoured films (and books) like The Black Stallion and all sorts and honestly I think it did colour my expectations. When eventually I moved to England and had a daughter who then got a pony who had my number on day 1, and then later we added a young Tb mare, who also got my number on day 1 I realised that my romantic notions about horses and wanting them to "love" me did them no favours and was in fact dangerous. Even now, I probably am too soft on my horses in some ways, but there's a definite line and as my experience has grown i've realised that letting one thing slide can often lead to several other things sliding so I tend to be more consisent now. It's just easier and safer for all involved.

 

[Leo Walker]

I have what you would describe as magical bond to be honest it just happened I wasn’t trying to create it was my first horse. It turned into nightmare when other people were handling her because she only wants me. I have never seen a horse so attached to me .

And did you accept this as a failing on your behalf and take steps to address it?

 

[DabDab]

Oh God, I've just had a 'bond' moment irl...

At the beginning of lockdown a family member asked for advice on buying a first horse for a 14yo on behalf of her Dad (it is his 14yo). So I covered the basics of trying them multiple times, taking instructor to give opinion, get 5 stage vetting done, make sure horse has already been doing what she wants to do with it....(and obviously wait until end of lockdown to do all this). Haven't heard anything since then until today when they sent me a message saying that they had bought a young thoroughbred from Spain (who knew that was a thing?!), that was apparently being sold due to covid. Unseen, unvetted, arrived with them last week. I despair. Anyways, as I was tentatively asking a few questions, wondering whether to say something more than 'that's nice', I got a response of "oh it's so amazing, the horse and her have just bonded immediately"

I thought of this thread, stuck with my response of "that's nice" and rapidly ended the conversation.

Ho hum

 

[canteron]

See, this is where I get a bit lost.....I have no desire for horses to go all googly when I appear, with or without food; I just want them to understand what I want and do it calmly and without stress. If they were to run around neighing, get in my face in the field, bang the doors or generally do Black Stallion/My Friend Flicker/Black Beauty type stuff I'd be really pee'd off.

Harsh - i think sometimes experienced horsepeople (like you) are unfairly dismissive of people who are just trying to learn good practice. When I first had horses I was sucked in by people with all the talk who frankly had big egos and little skill and unless I could find a really good trainer I would take parelli or trt over their (oh I hunt so I am hard but amazing) dubious skill set.
Luckily I have found amazing teachers who are ethical kind and deliver .. But I have had to kiss a lot of frogs to get there and at least the NH lot are trying to be open and inclusive - but of course there are good and bad within all ethos.

 

[Meowy Catkin]

RE Dabdab

What could possibly go wrong?

*fingers crossed that it actually works out in the end - I don't wish heartache or broken bones on anyone*

 

[PapaverFollis]

Thinking about it I knew someone who was airlifted (thankfully unhurt, she was just being a bit dramatic, she was a strange one) because she convinced herself her "bond" with the horse would mean the horse would let her do something really stupid with it... within a month of owning it.

 

[DabDab]

RE Dabdab

What could possibly go wrong?

*fingers crossed that it actually works out in the end - I don't wish heartache or broken bones on anyone*

Yep, nothing to be gained from saying anything now. I got the impression that they did have a reasonable support network, although they are new to the area, so just hope it is all fine

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I do get “clicking” with a horse, or maybe “not clicking” with a horse actually. There are some horses I just don’t really get on with. Not that I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, ride them but just that they don’t really do anything for me and I suspect vice versa.

I know the feeling I get when a good horse is really trying for you, and you can see their little ears flickering back towards you, when they are really trying to get what you’re asking for.

It’s not really bonding in the romantic sense but certainly a level of compatibility is at play.

 

[ycbm]

Oh God, I've just had a 'bond' moment irl...

At the beginning of lockdown a family member asked for advice on buying a first horse for a 14yo on behalf of her Dad (it is his 14yo). So I covered the basics of trying them multiple times, taking instructor to give opinion, get 5 stage vetting done, make sure horse has already been doing what she wants to do with it....(and obviously wait until end of lockdown to do all this). Haven't heard anything since then until today when they sent me a message saying that they had bought a young thoroughbred from Spain (who knew that was a thing?!), that was apparently being sold due to covid. Unseen, unvetted, arrived with them last week. I despair. Anyways, as I was tentatively asking a few questions, wondering whether to say something more than 'that's nice', I got a response of "oh it's so amazing, the horse and her have just bonded immediately"

I thought of this thread, stuck with my response of "that's nice" and rapidly ended the conversation.

Ho hum

OFFS! I hope she lives to tell the tale.
.

 

[FestiveFuzz]

Harsh - i think sometimes experienced horsepeople (like you) are unfairly dismissive of people who are just trying to learn good practice. When I first had horses I was sucked in by people with all the talk who frankly had big egos and little skill and unless I could find a really good trainer I would take parelli or trt over their (oh I hunt so I am hard but amazing) dubious skill set.
Luckily I have found amazing teachers who are ethical kind and deliver .. But I have had to kiss a lot of frogs to get there and at least the NH lot are trying to be open and inclusive - but of course there are good and bad within all ethos.

I don’t think it’s necessarily harsh or dismissive. I’m with Cortez that I want my horses to be respectful members of society rather than going gooey at the thought that I’m somehow “their person”. I’m always a little bit dubious of NH people as unfortunately those I’ve seen in real life have seemed to exclusively prey on the more nervous or novice owner. That’s not to say there aren’t some great ones out there, but there’s also a lot of charlatans making a quick buck from those that don’t know any better.

 

[be positive]

I do get “clicking” with a horse, or maybe “not clicking” with a horse actually. There are some horses I just don’t really get on with. Not that I wouldn’t, or couldn’t, ride them but just that they don’t really do anything for me and I suspect vice versa.

I know the feeling I get when a good horse is really trying for you, and you can see their little ears flickering back towards you, when they are really trying to get what you’re asking for.

It’s not really bonding in the romantic sense but certainly a level of compatibility is at play.

Some definitely get to you more than others, most of mine and my livery horses respond to my voice in some way when out in their fields, some are far more interested than others and it is not all about food but there are a few that are almost shut down and I struggle with them.
I had one perfectly nice pony at livery that just took no interest, never looked up, never responded to very much, he ate, slept, was very easy to do in every way but just looked a bit dead in the eyes despite every effort to get a reaction, the only time he seemed to be happy was when he was jumping, he brightened up, looked where he was going and almost seemed to be having fun, I have no idea what happened in his early life, he came over aged 4/5 from Ireland sold by the dealer to a PC/ hunting home, sold to come here as an 8/9 year old so should have been treated ok but in the nearly 4 years here he never really changed, his owner liked him but never really enjoyed him because he gave nothing unless jumping and he had a different rider for that as she didn't jump, he was sold to a girl to SJ in the end as he was not a happy hacker.

 

[Meowy Catkin]

I have big issues with Parelli. In regards to 'bonding' specifically the imprinting of foals (issues with 'flooding' well documented) and the was they he withholds water. I'm sure there was a quote from him once about how a horse should beg you for water.

I found this old thread. I haven't re-read it yet. https://forums.horseandhound.co.uk/threads/water-deprivation-as-a-training-tool.538255/