Giving up on your dream

[teddypops]

Kids need to also learn that it’s not all about them. I don’t understand parents who give up everything for their kids. Yes of course your kids are important but the parents are also important and need to be happy. I was a single parent, working full time and there is no way I would have given up my horse, it was hard work as I was the only one around to take my son to all his activities. It sounds like you have already made up your mind though, so good luck with everything.

 

[dogatemysalad]

Dreams change. Right now your dream is to focus on your children and their talents and interests. As they become older and more independent, your priorities will shift again. Looking back at my life so far, I've loved horses forever, but sometimes developing my career had to be more important and then having children and doing my best for them, before being able to go back to my first love of horses.
Children grow up so quickly, their childhood is a small part of the length of your life. For some people it's possible to combine the two, but for others, it's a struggle to do both without sacrificing the needs of the horse and children.

 

[milliepops]

Kids need to also learn that it’s not all about them. I don’t understand parents who give up everything for their kids. Yes of course your kids are important but the parents are also important and need to be happy.

Hmm. they do, but it sounds like this is a talented child who could do really well with this obvious support from their parents.
I am friends with someone who swam at olympic level, long time ago now but more or less in spite of parents rather than because of them. It made me feel sad that the mother prioritised her own horses and horse sport over her child.

Presumably this child was encouraged to take part in activities outside of school, it would be a shame to go that far as a parent and then if the kid turned out to be really good and really keen to do something, to say "well it's not all about you, you know" and abandon the child's own dreams.

For parents there is likely to be an opportunity later in life to revisit previous passions and hobbies.For a child, taking part in junior age sports, that opportunity only comes once - they can't go back in time later on when the parent has had their turn JMO!

 

[Elf On A Shelf]

Given that she is a mare, and young, time off will do her no harm. Is she well bred and well conformationed enough to go on stud loan for a year or 2? Even is she had 1 foal thats 2 years. A lot can happen in 2 years! You wont feel like your mare is being wasted in a field because she is doing a job, she wont have been ridden in a way you dont like or get on with, it also gives you distance. At the end of 2 years you may be able to bring her back or equally 6 months in to not having her as a responsibilty every day you may well have coped with cutting ties and feel less distraught about selling her.

 

[GemG]

Hmm. they do, but it sounds like this is a talented child who could do really well with this obvious support from their parents.
I am friends with someone who swam at olympic level, long time ago now but more or less in spite of parents rather than because of them. It made me feel sad that the mother prioritised her own horses and horse sport over her child.

Presumably this child was encouraged to take part in activities outside of school, it would be a shame to go that far as a parent and then if the kid turned out to be really good and really keen to do something, to say "well it's not all about you, you know" and abandon the child's own dreams.

For parents there is likely to be an opportunity later in life to revisit previous passions and hobbies.For a child, taking part in junior age sports, that opportunity only comes once - they can't go back in time later on when the parent has had their turn JMO!

Absolutely..., couldn’t put it better myself.

I’m not giving up my life here.., but admittedly feeling sorry for myself and turning to HH forum for an outlet.

Very interested to hear about folk who have done similar and have managed to get back to it later on in life. I won’t be elderly by any means, but will likely be beyond 50 then.

 

[Tarragon]

It's interesting how the world has changed since I was a kid in the 70s/80s - no way did either of my parents change their lives to fit us in. We were very much expected to fit in around the adults. My OH has memories of hours of boredom sitting on a cold wet riverbank while his dad fished.
Good luck OP

This exactly!
The ponies were my escape from family and my "me time". They were on DIY and I also worked full time, but I would get up really early to get everything done. I certainly wasn't competing and just rode when I could in order to get the balance right. Plus, none of my 3 children were doing anything sporty or otherwise at county level so I didn't have that pressure.
It is a tricky decision to make and I do admire you for deciding to dedicate your time to the children. I am glad, though, that I didn't have to make that choice!

 

[teddypops]

Hmm. they do, but it sounds like this is a talented child who could do really well with this obvious support from their parents.
I am friends with someone who swam at olympic level, long time ago now but more or less in spite of parents rather than because of them. It made me feel sad that the mother prioritised her own horses and horse sport over her child.

Presumably this child was encouraged to take part in activities outside of school, it would be a shame to go that far as a parent and then if the kid turned out to be really good and really keen to do something, to say "well it's not all about you, you know" and abandon the child's own dreams.

For parents there is likely to be an opportunity later in life to revisit previous passions and hobbies.For a child, taking part in junior age sports, that opportunity only comes once - they can't go back in time later on when the parent has had their turn JMO!

I agree with this mainly, but i dont mean I think the parents should prioritise their interests over that of the child, they just shouldn’t give everything up for one child’s interests!

 

[GTRJazz]

I am very busy at the moment so have adjusted the horses to fit in with me so they live out 24/7 and get ridden once a week, bringing in for short feed brushing poo picking and picking hooves out every day is on hold until the winter really sets in. Still really enjoy my weekend hacks and would not give that up.

 

[milliepops]

Very interested to hear about folk who have done similar and have managed to get back to it later on in life. I won’t be elderly by any means, but will likely be beyond 50 then.

this is a good thread for you to get your disappointment at giving up off your chest in a safe place - maybe start a new one with a different title to attract those people who picked horses up again later in life to comment? they might not stumble across this one

 

[SpringArising]

Sounds like a really tough decision but I'm sure you know in your heart of hearts what's right for you and your kids.

I struggle to fit in dog, a 9-6 and one horse on assisted DIY. I can't imagine having to be totally DIY with multiple kids to boot. Don't let anyone make you feel like you should be able to fit it all in if you're struggling. It's hard at the best of times.

FWIW, my mum gave up horses to have me and my sister and she said that once I was old enough to have ponies myself, she got more joy from helping and watching us than she ever did from riding herself.

 

[Pmf27]

Just to throw another angle at this: how would your child feel if, in 5/10/15/20 years time, they learnt that you'd given up your dream for them?

If it were me, I'd feel absolutely devastated and would be crushed to know my mother had been selfless to the point of her own sadness.

I'm in agreement with others that it sounds as though nothing anyone says is likely to sway your resolve on this, but just something to consider in case you do give it a second thought.

 

[GemG]

Just to throw another angle at this: how would your child feel if, in 5/10/15/20 years time, they learnt that you'd given up your dream for them?

If it were me, I'd feel absolutely devastated and would be crushed to know my mother had been selfless to the point of her own sadness.

I'm in agreement with others that it sounds as though nothing anyone says is likely to sway your resolve on this, but just something to consider in case you do give it a second thought.

What would they say in years to come if they found out I kept a horse on so I could go to the dressage and that is why I was never there for them?

Think there has to be a compromise and I’m the adult and I chose to have a family.. it’s just unfortunate that our hobby is not one that is easy to ‘minimise’ or do half heartedly. Sometimes in life you have to give something away... for the greater good.

 

[ihatework]

I really don’t think you should give up your dream - if it were just any old horse I’d probably say sell and get another when the time is right, but this is sentimental, a homebred.

If you were saying it was a huge financial struggle then I’d say ‘that’s really sad sell her to the best home you can find’.

But you are talking about giving her away. Honestly, once you have done that you have no say in her future.

My advice - suspend the dream. Focus on other aspects of your life for now. Loan the horse out to someone competent (I do appreciate not so easy to find and not without some risk). The horse is young - you may get her back in the future ready to crack on with your dreams. Maybe your kids will take up riding. Maybe you will just have her back to dote on in retirement. Maybe you will sell to the loaner because she is adored and you are happy and confident that is the right home. Whatever happens, at least you have some element of control and the legal right to step in and retrieve her if it’s not going to plan.

But I’m as soft as hell about the few horses I’m sentimental about.

 

[charterline]

I think it needs a compromise. I think you will regret selling your “dream” horse. I think I’d probably look at trying to find a Young up and coming rider and offer them free loan of the horse, plus maybe a small contribution to upkeep, maybe what your paying for DIY livery.

I don’t think parents should sacrifice everything they do to run children around to sporting events - even though it seems very much the “norm”. Swimming training before And after school, then competitions at the weekends. You need your own life, and carry on with that, child is likely to get sick of it very quickly.

On the other hand I don’t have any time for parents that indulge themselves in their own hobbies, and dump child that’s not interested in football/fishing (ie me) with relatives all weekend. That’s not fair either.

 

[MotherOfChickens]

Just to throw another angle at this: how would your child feel if, in 5/10/15/20 years time, they learnt that you'd given up your dream for them?

If it were me, I'd feel absolutely devastated and would be crushed to know my mother had been selfless to the point of her own sadness.

well, you could have a mother that constantly tells you this (I am NOT suggesting the OP would for a second). Ask me how I know

OP I know parents who's kids swim competitively and its quite some commitment in time.

I agree with MP and IHW, it might be worth the effort finding her a good loan home, then if you find the break not so bad then sell. If you are anywhere near a university you might find someone who wants to share/loan thats a pretty good rider who's had to give up their own. I knew a couple of women like this when I was doing my PhD, they were good riders and had use of a competitive horse for their time studying-they paid for shoes, entry fees and transport, did stable duties-owners still could ride if they felt like it. Just a thought.

 

[GemG]

The cause of my heartache.... blissfully unaware of the trouble she causes.....

 

[Roxylola]

Oh bless her she's lovely, looks so bright
I've no kids but as someone who once was one all I would say is that be careful your daughter doesn't feel like she has to now succeed at swimming - if she wants to give it up she can't feel she has to keep going because you gave up your horse, speaking from experience that isn't a great way to grow up.
That said you don't sound like that sort of person. On an entirely selfish note I do wish I could find one of these lovely owners with a nice horse that they just want someone decent for it to do things with - she'd be right up my street

 

[Paard]

My opinion; don't sell the horse. She is your dream. I have a primary school aged child and whilst I do everything I can for him and to give him the best possible life my dreams and desires are also important. He matters but I also matter, becoming a parent doesn't mean I am no longer important.
Do you really want to teach your daughter that when you grow up you should give up your dreams for another (whether that's a partner or a child or someone else) and that's okay? By all means support her swimming but definitely not at the expense of your happiness.

 

[Nasicus]

What would they say in years to come if they found out I kept a horse on so I could go to the dressage and that is why I was never there for them?

I mean, you don't have to be disappearing off to dressage and lessons all the time. You could just enjoy having her around, hacking out when you have the time and enjoying her. Maybe slipping in the odd lesson when you can. Maybe get a competent sharer who wants to do a bit more to school and help out when you're away at competitions. It's not all or nothing.

At the end of the day, it's your decision, and you sound somewhat resigned to having to sell your dream horse. But there are options.

 

[Polos Mum]

It can feel like a really big decision all or nothing, black or white but I am sure there's room for grey compromise in there somewhere.

Some loans can be wonderful and if you have someone in mind to 'gift' her too then why not make that a loan so the option is there in 5 years time. Or sell her and put the money in a savings account for 10 years time to buy a replacement - then you will always know you are coming back and horses are just on hold. You can look at the account and wonder what adventures you can have with her successor when the time is right.

When your kids are teenagers they won't want anything to do with you and I've seen many 'redundant' parents who hold their children back just to feel needed because they have given up everything for 15 years and are terrified of what happens next (I am sure not intentionally). Kids are really important but not to the point you give up yourself for them.

 

[Sasana Skye]

My mum gave up ice skating and riding when she had me and my sister and we were both riding and doing ballet. My sister was a very talented dancer with huge potential too, she's now dancing professionally and choreographing performances on stages all over the country and teaching internationally - that's the product of my sisters hard work, not because my mum was there watching her lessons everyday.
To be honest I found the whole thing really bizarre and made me feel like I should be enjoying my hobbies more than I did, and put more pressure on dance exams and lessons. I gave up dancing in the end.
I agree with loaning out for a while, if you are prepared to gift a horse to someone I would imagine you would be prepared to loan to them instead.

But you and your family are not me and my family so you will do whatever you think is best.

 

[myheartinahoofbeat]

I sold my horse when my first kid was a few months old. I'd put him out on loan beforehand but as he came back, I had to sell. He wasn't anything special though like yours. It must be really hard to sell her. If it's any consolation, I came back into horses about 20 years later and am now loving every minute of it. It's as though i shut the lid on it all those years ago and have opened it back up and it's just as fresh as it was.I have the time and money now to really enjoy it. I know it seems such a long way off but you will be able to pick it all back up again

 

[GemG]

I sold my horse when my first kid was a few months old. I'd put him out on loan beforehand but as he came back, I had to sell. He wasn't anything special though like yours. It must be really hard to sell her. If it's any consolation, I came back into horses about 20 years later and am now loving every minute of it. It's as though i shut the lid on it all those years ago and have opened it back up and it's just as fresh as it was.I have the time and money now to really enjoy it. I know it seems such a long way off but you will be able to pick it all back up again

That’s good to hear.... good to hear that your getting that joy later on again. Light at end of tunnel... it’s just different life stages isn’t it.

 

[Summit]

Very interested to hear about folk who have done similar and have managed to get back to it later on in life. I won’t be elderly by any means, but will likely be beyond 50 then.

That would be me . Had my first pony when I was 11. I lived for horses through my 20’s, 30’s and part of my 40’s.

My break didn’t happen coz of kids but because my father died. I went on a very emotional journey and I made the decision to give up my horse. Had a total break for 10 years and I mean total....never went near a horse then last year my husband suggested it was time to get back into horses.

52 now and I love being around horses now as much as I did when I was 11 ❤️ And I couldn’t be happier but I’m in a better place now and able to enjoy them again. I think when they run through your sole, you’re never able to let it go forever

 

[GemG]

That would be me . Had my first pony when I was 11. I lived for horses through my 20’s, 30’s and part of my 40’s.

My break didn’t happen coz of kids but because my father died. I went on a very emotional journey and I made the decision to give up my horse. Had a total break for 10 years and I mean total....never went near a horse then last year my husband suggested it was time to get back into horses.

52 now and I love being around horses now as much as I did when I was 11 ❤️ And I couldn’t be happier but I’m in a better place now and able to enjoy them again. I think when they run through your sole, you’re never able to let it go forever

Very interesting and lovely to hear how happy it has helped you feel getting back into it again.

 

[GemG]

Very interesting and lovely to hear how happy it has helped you feel getting back into it again.

For me it’s important in future to have the time to dedicate to it properly without the guilt factor or having to rush because you need to pick up kids etc.., being on the clock when your having a session with the youngster can put you in the wrong frame of mind to deal with things...can make you rush inadvertently I feel.

 

[GemG]

Thanks for sharing that Summit.

 

[MaxboleyBlack]

The cause of my heartache.... blissfully unaware of the trouble she causes..... View attachment 36556

You can gift her to me ;-) she is gorgeous!

 

[chaps89]

What IHW said.
You seem pretty set on moving on from horses for now, but if money isn't the reason and you're otherwise happy to gift her, given her sentimental value I'd be trying to find a loan home.
In time that might turn into you having her back when the times right or gifting her to the loaner, but at least there's options

 

[Polos Mum]

Not quite the same by my OH did badly (well 4th!) at an international cycling competition when he was 21 - he didn't get back on a bike again for 18 years then 7 years ago picked it back up again and it's now his full time hobby again, that's a sport which is much harder to do when your older.

Horses can be very successful when you aren't a spring chicken, not many 50+ year old Olympians in any other discipline. I don't compete now - since kids, just a happy hacker. But I plan to go back to competing when I have more time