Grief due to loss of horse

[mustardsmum]

This came up on my Facebook feed this morning and may be helpful for others.

https://www.doctorramey.com/things-ive-said-to-grieving-horse-owners/

Thanks for posting this, I found much comfort in it especially the last paragraph:

“I think that the reason that we love horses (and dogs, and cats, and other animals who we are lucky enough to take care of) is that they fill a hole in our heart. There’s some common thread in people that love animals that compels those people to look after the animals. Horses get our love and affection and return it in spades. Riding horse allows us to borrow the ability to run like the wind, to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and find a world that was otherwise unavailable. Horses introduce us to grace, spirit, and freedom – they are happy to do as we ask, but never fail to remind us that they could easily do whatever they want. People that love horses need that. And, when it’s time to let go of one lucky horse, the hurt will subside, the memories will endure, and, hopefully, you’ll find another lucky horse to fill that hole.”

 

[misst]

Thinking of everyone who has lost a beloved friend recently. Shedding a little tear reading some of this. Remembering our lovely boys and our girl who we lost, with such happy memories. Time does heal - it will always hurt a bit at times but we have been so lucky to have these wonderful creatures in our lives x

 

[NinjaPony]

I remember being in my old pony’s field, the day before she was PTS with my mum (I was 14 at the time), and she said to me “you will meet another horse you love as much as her, the human heart has an endless capacity for love and it expands each time.”

I’ve always remembered it because she was right, about 7 months later I met my special Connemara. It took me a little while to grow to love him like I’d loved her, but he became the best thing that ever happened to me. We have to stay open to building new relationships with other horses, because your heart expands to make room for one more. I used to smile when I hacked him out in her bridle. It’s been particularly tough this time because I can’t afford another horse right now, but I’m hopeful that when I do meet the right horse at the right time, I’ll be able to heal. The right horse will find you, and you will find that your memories of your boy will be brought into sharper focus by it.

 

[SO1]

I thought I would do an update every week to document my journey through grief it may help others but will also help me.

I am on week 3 now.

I went to the RS on Tues and they were v kind. I had my group lesson they were just 4 in the group and we did serpentines and leg yield and a bit of canter. They said if I felt like crying and just wanted to walk round the edge that would be fine but I managed to do the whole lesson.

I am booked on the evening hack for next week.

It was then very difficult when I got home and I felt sad. I have not washed jodhpurs or anything that was touched by him including his numnahs. I don't want to lose the smell or that little bit of grease from him.

On Wednesday I went to my cards group for the first time in months and played Dopplekopft. I am quite good so will probably enter a tournament. There is also a Skat tournament on 17 Sept have not been in a tournament since 2019.

Yesterday I got a lovely message from one of the vets who over the years had looked after his leg injuries, arthritis and his teeth. Different vets at practice have different specialties so different vet was looking after him at hospital and looking after the stomach and ulcer issue.

Vet had been on holiday for last 3 weeks and had come back and found out that Homey had been put to sleep. He said he was sad to hear the news about Homey and that he was a gent who would be sorely missed.

YO called today and she said vet had called her about one of her horses who has a teeth problem and they had spoken about Homey. He was very special and touched the hearts of people and everyone missed him and could see how much I loved him.

YO said she and other liveries were worried about me and how I will cope in the winter when it is dark in the evenings and I am alone and that I should think about doing my advert in September.

However I cannot even think about viewing other ponies. It is too raw and I need more time.

So this is where I am at. This weekend I am going to yard tomorrow to pick up my other hat and also a pair of boots that I need to take to the menders as the zip needs replacing and also collect his passport to return to breed society.

On Sunday I am visiting one of my old uni friends for the day she has been on a course and can now do emotional release therapy so is going to give me a session. It involves tapping.

So weekend fully occupied.

Today I have been thinking about all the fun times he had in the field over the years playing and running around bucking with joy. In his last month when it was too hot to ride I started giving him shiatsu massage every evening and he used to enjoy that and get his willy out sometimes. It was a difficult month that month with me having Covid and losing 11 days with him but I try and think of the thousands of days we spent together over the last 15 years and how much joy he have me and the fun.

 

[Barton Bounty]

It is clear to all of us on here that your YO thinks very highly of you, please dont sit in during the winter, I am sure there are plenty of people there that would love your company. Dont feel rushed into anything just take your time!
Hugs ?

 

[maya2008]

To a point I agree with your YO. When we lost my husband’s first New Forest mare, he was devastated. Months of depressed mood, being touchy and grumpy, generally out of sorts as he grieved. We already had a youngster to back for him, but that wasn’t enough - he desperately missed his cheeky bay mare and nothing made it better. Then the breeder we’d purchased his youngster from, advertised a pony very similar to the one we had lost. I wanted something to bring on for my son, so went to see her. She’s not quite the same, but similar in colouring and attitude. We brought her home, she bossed him around like the old one had, and finally both he and my old TB began to heal.

I’ve just lost that old TB - after 19 years, and that little NF has become mine. I adore her, but it still feels like a part of me is missing. We’re going to go out lots and do things together, to cement the bond that could never really fully grow while my ginger best friend was still here (because I was HERS and she let everyone know it!).

We’ve had to replace three lately - they all found us in a way. I was browsing FB ads and something about each one caught my eye - look on their faces called to me. Maybe just browse, and see what turns up?

 

[twofatladies88]

I’m really pleased that you’re getting out and about a bit. It’s three years since I had to pts my highland. I had her twenty years having bought her direct from the stud. I have five dartmoors and they have helped me as I have a daily routine with them. I still miss my highland - she was the last thing I saw of a night and the first thing I saw of a morning - she literally was outside my back door. I was sent a lovely card from the breeder saying what a wonderful home she had and that it was one pony she never had to worry about. Our ponies are lucky to have had us as caring owners- there are many who never experience a kind and loving and knowledgeable home. There are millions of Dartmoor hugs and kisses going spare here if you ever come to Shropshire.

 

[SO1]

I browsed and found a pony that looks very like Homey and a kind forum member checked on the online stud book for me and the dam is indeed sired by Homey. I feel I am nowhere near ready to get another yet. I was tearful at the yard today when I went to collect a pair of riding boots that had a broken zip that needed mending, my show hat as RS would not let me wear the HS1 as kite mark could not be seen as had worn off, and his passport ?.

I heard a whicker and it sounded like him he always called to me and it made me cry. Had a bit of a chat with other liveries, groomed YO old boy and left yard, got home and realised forgot passport so will have to go back to yard one evening next week to collect it.

Here is the pony almost a carbon copy of my Homey. But I really want an established hacking pony not a pony that has only been backed 8 weeks..but I have sent an email. I cannot do any viewings for next few weekends as off visiting friends most weekends until early October in an attempt to be less sad but perhaps in the unlikely event he has not sold by then maybe I can view.

I am also not sure if it would be comforting to have one that looks almost the same or upsetting. My pony is also the sire of a roan stallion that throws roans so it might be better to get a roan version instead of a bay that is almost identical.

https://www.nfed.co.uk/cgi-bin/clas...lay_db_button=on&db_id=174284&query=retrieval

To a point I agree with your YO. When we lost my husband’s first New Forest mare, he was devastated. Months of depressed mood, being touchy and grumpy, generally out of sorts as he grieved. We already had a youngster to back for him, but that wasn’t enough - he desperately missed his cheeky bay mare and nothing made it better. Then the breeder we’d purchased his youngster from, advertised a pony very similar to the one we had lost. I wanted something to bring on for my son, so went to see her. She’s not quite the same, but similar in colouring and attitude. We brought her home, she bossed him around like the old one had, and finally both he and my old TB began to heal.

I’ve just lost that old TB - after 19 years, and that little NF has become mine. I adore her, but it still feels like a part of me is missing. We’re going to go out lots and do things together, to cement the bond that could never really fully grow while my ginger best friend was still here (because I was HERS and she let everyone know it!).

We’ve had to replace three lately - they all found us in a way. I was browsing FB ads and something about each one caught my eye - look on their faces called to me. Maybe just browse, and see what turns up?

 

[Barton Bounty]

What is meant to be will be, handsome wee dude ?

 

[Errin Paddywack]

Very nice pony. Your boy certainly was worth using as a stallion

 

[Barton Bounty]

Very nice pony. Your boy certainly was worth using as a stallion

Isnt he just lovely, for me I think it would give me comfort having something related, but I also know how raw it is and how long it takes for the pain to subside

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Get a pink one by Thundercloud!!

If it's meant to be you'll get the right pony. I wasn't really ready to buy another one but needed to fill my heart and space in the empty field.

I have bought ponies based on their relation to my others. Heidi is Benji's great niece.

 

[SO1]

Thank you.

Here is a pink one which is by Homey's stallion son Portmore Thundercloud. Far too young for me but when I found out Homey had to put be PTS I almost was very tempted as was upset and desperate to have a part of him.

https://www.nfed.co.uk/cgi-bin/clas...lay_db_button=on&db_id=174384&query=retrieval

Very nice pony. Your boy certainly was worth using as a stallion

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

Yes, I saw him. Nice pony, you can tell who his sire is just by looking. Some stallions really stamp their stock.

What really hurts me too about loosing Flicka is that I don't have anything by her dam (my foundation mare) anymore. There are grandchildren doing well but it's not quite the same for me.

 

[maya2008]

I like the roan one better out of those two! When you are ready, the right pony will turn up I am sure.

 

[Gloi]

The roan pony is lovely. I would be sorely tempted if I looking, but I always like to buy young ponies rather than ones someone else has ridden.

 

[nikkimariet]

Accept you’ll feel like shit. Probably for a long time. And that’s ok. It’s fine to need a moment or that it hits you when least expected.

Like you say, your life revolves around them so it’s a big change in routine. I lost Fig very suddenly to colic after nearly 10 years of ownership in a horridly unfair situation. It was unforeseen, unplanned, unexpected. He had been with me through different jobs, changing social circles, losing my mum, issues at home, a tough break up etc. If it wasn’t for Rooni I’d have walked away from horses for good there and then and I struggle to feel the same love for riding now.

I had a few friends who stopped by (I live on my own too) for a few weeks initially but Christmas overtook matters and my social circle is fairly drawn out geographically so I just kept as busy as I could.

The ache will lesson over time I’m sure but the pain is like it just happened. My thoughts are with you, words are never enough.

FWIW vet suspects a tumour. He struggled with colic for about 6 months on and off a few years into ownership. The problem seemed to disappear but he then had a couple of very aggressive episodes out the blue a few weeks before D day. I was never going to put him through the surgery I’d agreed that much with myself and he was in so much pain there wasn’t any other option.

 

[SO1]

Unfortunately I don't have the time or skill set to back a youngster so I need something backed and ridden away at least and ideally out hacking alone and in company. Just like Homey when I got him at 5. I suppose I want another Homey but that may be unrealistic.

I remember how difficult it was to find him in the first place.

I had a lovely message from the lameness and dental vet who had looked after Homey's teeth and done his fillings and also looked after him with his two soft tissue injuries and his arthritis recently. He was away on holiday for 3 weeks and so didn't know Homey had been PTS. A different vet at the practice had been looking after his stomach issues who lived more locally to the clinic and yard and had an interest in internal medicine.

The other vet said in his message he was sorry to hear the news about Homey and that he was a gent and would be sorely missed.

All the vets at the hospital said what a lovely nature he had.

I also remember one of the vets at his old practice said that more people should be breeding ponies like Homey as he was such a dude. He has had quite a few vet issues throughout his 15 years including a broken splint bone when he was kicked and a cough virus. He had a dreadful tapeworm infestation due to other liveries not worming at his old yard and almost had to be admitted to intensive care and had to be referred to a parasite specialist as despite 4 tapewormers a year he kept getting reinfestations.

When we moved yards 8 years ago on to part livery with poo picked fields and everyone doing proper worming he has not had tapeworm at all and went down to one wormer a year.

I do wonder though if his stomach was damaged from tapeworm and that weakened it and contributed towards this problem in later life though the vet thinks it was nerve damage in his stomach that caused his demise.

I like the roan one better out of those two! When you are ready, the right pony will turn up I am sure.[/QUOTE

The roan pony is lovely. I would be sorely tempted if I looking, but I always like to buy young ponies rather than ones someone else has ridden.

]

 

[SO1]

Hardly slept at all last night. Felt the most awful sadness and loneliness never felt this sad in my life before and it was so painful that I didn't know what to do and felt I didn't want to be in the world without him. I had to think of it like a physical illness and that in time it would pass or I would learn to live with it.

Thankfully meeting up with a friend today to go on a walk who does EFT which is tapping therapy.

 

[Lois Lame]

I've recently heard of tapping therapy on the radio, and thought it very interesting. I only heard the tail end of it though.

When I lost a great pony I had some years ago now, I cried for 3 weeks. Not constantly of course, but on and off. Husband let me do so (I think a certain amount is 'good').

But after 3 weeks, he said to me, "It's so hard to see you upset like this. You need to give yourself a problem."

When he mentioned the word problem, I immediately saw in my mind's eye all the couch grass growing like mad all over the front corner 'garden'. A total eye-sore. I'd had it in for that couch but never got far with it.

I said to my husband, "What sort of problem."

"Any problem."

The couch was still there, in my mind. Bloody mongrel stuff, so hard to control, so pesky, so useless. It's not even a good feed. I wouldn't even give it to the guinea pigs. As for poison, I loath poison. I don't use it. Even the snails have free rein when the winter passes. (They are not out yet but it won't be long.)

I knew this stupid plan of my husband's wouldn't work. I decided to prove it to him.

So the next day, I got my garden fork, spade, shovel, rake, gloves, hat, and went to the front corner. "Stupid bloody couch," I said. "Idiot stuff. Bastard." And muttering away, I shoved the tools here and there and wrenched and maimed and tortured that couch grass. I was in a frenzy of loathing. Good thing I wasn't locked up.

Anyhow, very, very oddly, I began to feel better. It was so... peculiar. How could my husband have been right? I can't remember now how often I went back to the couch, but from that moment I was on the mend.

I can't say I ever succeeded in getting rid of the offending grass in those sessions, but I felt so much better for having done that.

 

[nikkimariet]

Unfortunately I don't have the time or skill set to back a youngster so I need something backed and ridden away at least and ideally out hacking alone and in company. Just like Homey when I got him at 5. I suppose I want another Homey but that may be unrealistic.

I remember how difficult it was to find him in the first place.

I had a lovely message from the lameness and dental vet who had looked after Homey's teeth and done his fillings and also looked after him with his two soft tissue injuries and his arthritis recently. He was away on holiday for 3 weeks and so didn't know Homey had been PTS. A different vet at the practice had been looking after his stomach issues who lived more locally to the clinic and yard and had an interest in internal medicine.

The other vet said in his message he was sorry to hear the news about Homey and that he was a gent and would be sorely missed.

All the vets at the hospital said what a lovely nature he had.

I also remember one of the vets at his old practice said that more people should be breeding ponies like Homey as he was such a dude. He has had quite a few vet issues throughout his 15 years including a broken splint bone when he was kicked and a cough virus. He had a dreadful tapeworm infestation due to other liveries not worming at his old yard and almost had to be admitted to intensive care and had to be referred to a parasite specialist as despite 4 tapewormers a year he kept getting reinfestations.

When we moved yards 8 years ago on to part livery with poo picked fields and everyone doing proper worming he has not had tapeworm at all and went down to one wormer a year.

I do wonder though if his stomach was damaged from tapeworm and that weakened it and contributed towards this problem in later life though the vet thinks it was nerve damage in his stomach that caused his demise.

A very good friend of mines horse struggles with peritonitis. She’s nearly lost him about 3 times over to it now. He had strangles as a youngster and they suspect it’s weakened an area of his gut causes leaks and bleeding. The surgery to investigate is equivalent to colic surgery which is a big risk in itself and a big lump of money outside of insurance (let alone the trauma to the horse during/post op too). I’m so sorry you’re left without a clear answer.

 

[Birker2020]

I browsed and found a pony that looks very like Homey

Here is the pony almost a carbon copy of my Homey.

I am also not sure if it would be comforting to have one that looks almost the same or upsetting. My pony is also the sire of a roan stallion that throws roans so it might be better to get a roan version instead of a bay that is almost identical.

https://www.nfed.co.uk/cgi-bin/clas...lay_db_button=on&db_id=174284&query=retrieval

I'm glad you are doing better and your y.o and friends are supporting you. My y.o was amazing, as were my friends when i lost Bailey.

Looks wise:
Last horse dutch WB 17.1hh bay, white face, four white socks
Present horse Holstein WB, bay, white face, three white socks.

Didn't go out of my way to have a carbon copy, first and third horses i viewed weren't similar at all, one had no white markings at all. Lari's paces caught my attention. It may have been subconciously one of the reasons i bought him but the two horses to me are very different and have very different personalities. Laris face when you view it from the nearside is scarily the same marking. And he stops at poohs to sniff them and split them with his foot which is exactly what Bails did. But that's where any similarity ends.

I must admit when i first saw him in one of Baileys rugs it creeped me out but i find it extremely comforting seeing the white face appear over the door on my whistle like i did for 17yrs before i had Lari.

If you remember all horses are individuals you can't go wrong OP. There are a lot of WBs that have the same markings, its quite common. Maybe the same with Homeys breeding and that's why he looks the same.

There's no wrong or right time to find another horse. I started seriously looking about 3 weeks after losing Bailey and apart from lari always had another within 6 weeks of losing the previous horse.

Its weird that out of 7 horses, 6 have all had names that end with the sound 'e', Goldie, Mikki, Billy, Rommy, Bailey, Lari. That's more weird to me than the fact mine look similar.

 

[gallopingby]

Unfortunately I don't have the time or skill set to back a youngster so I need something backed and ridden away at least and ideally out hacking alone and in company. Just like Homey when I got him at 5. I suppose I want another Homey but that may be unrealistic.

I remember how difficult it was to find him in the first place.

I had a lovely message from the lameness and dental vet who had looked after Homey's teeth and done his fillings and also looked after him with his two soft tissue injuries and his arthritis recently. He was away on holiday for 3 weeks and so didn't know Homey had been PTS. A different vet at the practice had been looking after his stomach issues who lived more locally to the clinic and yard and had an interest in internal medicine.

The other vet said in his message he was sorry to hear the news about Homey and that he was a gent and would be sorely missed.

All the vets at the hospital said what a lovely nature he had.

I also remember one of the vets at his old practice said that more people should be breeding ponies like Homey as he was such a dude. He has had quite a few vet issues throughout his 15 years including a broken splint bone when he was kicked and a cough virus. He had a dreadful tapeworm infestation due to other liveries not worming at his old yard and almost had to be admitted to intensive care and had to be referred to a parasite specialist as despite 4 tapewormers a year he kept getting reinfestations.

When we moved yards 8 years ago on to part livery with poo picked fields and everyone doing proper worming he has not had tapeworm at all and went down to one wormer a year.

I do wonder though if his stomach was damaged from tapeworm and that weakened it and contributed towards this problem in later life though the vet thinks it was nerve damage in his stomach that caused his demise.

 

[gallopingby]

The roan pony looks lovely. It sounds as if you’ve lots of support which is great and it will be good to be able to do some inside things over the winter if that’s what you want, however l wonder if you’ve considered buying a three or four year old and finding someone reliable and with experience of NF ponies to bring it on over the winter? You could visit when you were able to, presumably the costs would be cheaper if not near London and would have a pony ready to ride in the spring. I know it’s nit the same if someone is riding ’your’ pony but would you enjoy seeing how it was progressing? The costs of buying a 4 year old and paying livery / schooling fees could well be similar to the cost of buying a been there done that ready to go pony which will be difficult to find although not impossible as what’s meant to be usually is.

 

[Carlosmum]

As another forest pony person, I want to send you my best wishes, I lost my special boy 6 years ago to colic. It was truly awful at the time, but I made a memory collage, and planted a rose for him, then slowly it all felt better. Fast forward to this week and I had my other pony PTS for laminitis issues as we could not keep him sound. My feelings have been totally different, yes of course I was sad and conflicted but the uppermost feeling was one of relief, that I wont have to watch every scrap of grass or morsel of food to pass his lips. 24 hours later I confess we have gone out and bought another NF. This one goes back to a stallion my family bred in the 50's and on his dams side is nephew to my boy I have just said goodbye to. Is that fate? When you find your next one, you will know ......

 

[SO1]

Today is one month anniversary of his death.

It has been a bit difficult because of the insurance and the vets not sending in the right invoice to the insurers for my 3 claims and me not having an itemised bill for the last month. I think it is a complicated bill as not everything was covered on the insurance and I paid a lot up front when he was hospitalised and being summer holidays lots of admin staff and vets on holiday delaying the process. It came in at over £8000 for the last few months including the arthramid, ulcer treatment the week in hospital, the scopes, the pathology tests and plus the PTS for the gastric impaction. Also as he was sound and in work when he was PTS, the arthramid worked a treat, vet said he was moving like Valegro, the mortality cover will probably pay out as it look likes he was PTS under BEVA guidelines. So it means quite a bit of liason work with insurance and vets.

The vet who looked after Homey sent me the most lovely card. It had a horse on the front that looked like him a poem by Stanley Harrison in it and a very touching message from the vet saying amongst other things that I "should be proud that I tried everything to get him better"

On Saturday I went to the breed show and meet Peregrine Falcon who has been amazingly supportive over the last couple of months having lost a beloved NF to the same rare condition.

I was meant to be taking Homey and was not sure how I would feel without him being there. However I am so glad I went. I went into through the entrance and right in front of me was Portmore Thundercloud Homey's son. He was the first pony I saw on entering the show ground.

I then meet up with PF and we had a good chat watched the forest run stallion class and she introduced me to some other new forest enthusiasts. Portmore Thundercloud then went on to win the Cranesmoor cup for best foals on the forest for thr 3rd time and as Homey was his sire his name Lovelyhill Home-Touch was read out over the tanoy. Even though he was not there in body it felt like he was still part of the show. He will never be forgotten his name will be in the passports of many New Forests as the sire of a champion with many progeny.

In a weird way it felt like Homey sending me a message saying get a Thundercloud offspring. I cry as I write this as I miss him so much but in time I will do my advert and hopefully get a Thundercloud offspring or another pony with Lovelyhill lines.

After the breed show I went to visit a friend who used to be on the same yard but moved to Surrey and stayed with her. We had a good chat and took her little companion pony for a walk. Her horses are getting older now too.

Then today I went on a hack at the riding school for one and half hours. We didn't do any cantering as the ground was too hard, mainly walking but had some short trots through the woods.

Back again to the RS tomorrow to do an evening hack as they stop doing them soon.

I still feel very lonely without my Homey and expect it will take a while to find the right pony but in the meantime I am going to the RS and enjoying that. I am also saving huge amounts as a result of not having a horse so every month I don't have one is a month my budget increases.

I expect it will continue to be difficult over the next few months will see how next week goes.

 

[Barton Bounty]

Its tough but it sounds like you are making baby steps , its lovely you have PF to lean on and meet up with, keep your chin up

 

[misst]

You are doing so well. Good days and bad days to follow of course but slowly slowly the good outweigh the bad. How wonderful his name was read out at the show - that must have felt marvelous.
You will find your new friend when you're ready but you'll never forget your boy. You will just remember him with a smile and the very occasional tear x

 

[OrangeAndLemon]

4 weeks and 2 days for me. I'm still crying often. I got the insurance forms in a couple of weeks ago. No idea what's going on with it and don't really care right now.

I have been to look at potential new options to fill his stable because I simply don't know what to do with myself.

Well done for riding. My friends arranged for me to hack out on a horse I've ridden before. I spent the entire morning feeling completely sick and broken at the idea of riding a different horse. I really didn't want to but trusted my friends knew what was best for me and I went.

It was a nice day with friends.

 

[SO1]

It is really hard isn't it to fill the gap left by our equine friends.

I am not rushing to get another as it is a massive commitment and I don't want to end up getting the wrong one out of desperation.

The RS has been understanding I have explained the situation. Going to the RS gets me out the house and it is preparing me for trying out different ponies. I think that is important for me having ridden the same pony for last 15 years I have to get used to trying new ones.

4 weeks and 2 days for me. I'm still crying often. I got the insurance forms in a couple of weeks ago. No idea what's going on with it and don't really care right now.

I have been to look at potential new options to fill his stable because I simply don't know what to do with myself.

Well done for riding. My friends arranged for me to hack out on a horse I've ridden before. I spent the entire morning feeling completely sick and broken at the idea of riding a different horse. I really didn't want to but trusted my friends knew what was best for me and I went.

It was a nice day with friends.