Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[ihatework]

What a refreshingly honest post ponyparty.

 

[Breagha]

When I met my now husband, we decided then we didnt want kids but when we got married we discussed it again and basically said, if it happens it happens if it doesnt it doesnt and to my surprise, I fell pregnant 3 months later. I am not maternal in the slightest, like others I run from people taking their babies in to show but obviously it is much different with your own. I have a horse, my husband has a horse and we have a pony for my daughter (we bought the pony when my daugh

 

[Bernster]

It's happened the other way round for centuries, hasn't it?! It's only in recent years that women who have no children aren't (for the most part) frowned upon or called names such as "selfish", "worthless" and "spinster". /QUOTE]

This. The social pressure is huge, direct and indirect, and ime it takes years before people stop asking questions or make assumptions.

 

[ponyparty]

What a refreshingly honest post ponyparty.

Thanks. I do wonder sometimes if I should just pretend everything is amazing, but I think it helps people to know what they might be letting themselves in for! Maybe if more people were honest about it, women wouldn't feel such a failure when things don't go perfectly.

I do think many posts on this forum give a bit of a skewed viewpoint, people being able to continue to afford horse(s) alongside a baby, coming from backgrounds with a lot of help from grandparents or being able to be very flexible around work. The reality for most people is that over £1k per month on childcare alone (£1.5k for us at the moment) is limiting at best and absolutely crippling for many. If you don't have grandparents around, or they still work nearly full time, there is rarely a break. I remember reading posts on here about people saying they were back in the saddle after 2 days (!) etc., back out hunting/competing after a few weeks... but in my experience, that is definitely the exception and not the rule; it just seems to be quite common on this forum for some reason. Different demographic to my real life peer group I guess!

 

[Littlebear]

Thanks. I do wonder sometimes if I should just pretend everything is amazing, but I think it helps people to know what they might be letting themselves in for! Maybe if more people were honest about it, women wouldn't feel such a failure when things don't go perfectly.

I do think many posts on this forum give a bit of a skewed viewpoint, people being able to continue to afford horse(s) alongside a baby, coming from backgrounds with a lot of help from grandparents or being able to be very flexible around work. The reality for most people is that over £1k per month on childcare alone (£1.5k for us at the moment) is limiting at best and absolutely crippling for many. If you don't have grandparents around, or they still work nearly full time, there is rarely a break. I remember reading posts on here about people saying they were back in the saddle after 2 days (!) etc., back out hunting/competing after a few weeks... but in my experience, that is definitely the exception and not the rule; it just seems to be quite common on this forum for some reason. Different demographic to my real life peer group I guess!

Your post resonates with me and will with so many others, its good to be open, after an episiotomy and difficult birth it certainly wasn't days for me getting back on or even being able to get up to use the bathroom or feed the baby. I am always honest about my experience of being a mum and the harsh realities of it especially when the younger girls talk about having kids. BTW age 4 + and school life will change everything, not long to go xx

 

[ycbm]

I think I’ve been quite open and honest on this forum about how I’ve felt since having mine! Also a “happy accident”, but I really wasn’t happy for a long time. Hated pregnancy and was in pain for most of it, hated the invasion of privacy and the way your body is no longer your own, hated the prying questions from people....
I was 32 when I had him. Had bought my long term loan horse just 4 months before I found out I was pregnant, was enjoying a lovely life with OH, had lots of plans, progressing my career after a fairly recent career change... So it was a lot to get my head round, a massive permanent change to our lives. Our son has just turned 2 now and it’s got a lot easier; I do still struggle with the lack of freedom sometimes.

I also have physical issues still from pregnancy (this is quite common) which may remain for life (also quite common - nobody ever tells you that though!). My right hip has been giving me gyp since, it hurts like hell when riding; I’m waiting for x ray results currently. And the mental health issues since having him... I’ve been to some very dark places. Post partum depression/psychosis is another thing that's A LOT more common than you’d think. I’m ok now, and just try not to think about it, it was really quite terrifying. Like a door opened to a part of my mind I didn't know existed. Even though the door is firmly shut and locked now, I know it's there and I still find it terrifying.

I didn’t want children, but when it happened we were faced with a decision and thought we’d go for it. I wouldn’t have planned it; if the contraception failure hadn’t happened we’d still be child free now. I no longer have a horse (lost him in May) and can’t afford to replace him due to childcare and other related child costs; my salary isn’t that high. Plus TIME! I have no time. I've recently taken on a part-loan 3 days per week, and that is really the very limit of what I can do. I need to progress my career - a struggle when you keep having to have time off for this and that, or get ill all the time because you’re so exhausted and run down, and babies bring home every bug known to mankind from nursery and other germ ridden children. So will just have to wait for my own horse again, when I've got more disposable income again. If that ever happens.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, he wants for nothing and I’ve even surprised myself with how intuitively I know what he wants/needs etc. He’s also really quite fun and entertaining now! The things they come out with ? it’s still hard though, a very repetitive, boring (to me - I have friends who LOVE looking after babies and playing etc... I just don’t have it in me!) lifestyle of drudgery really, constantly tidying, cleaning, wiping, changing nappies, cleaning up accidents, fingerprints, crayons, play doh in the carpet, did I mention cleaning?

It has a permanent effect on your body, mind, freedom, finances, house (it’s a mess constantly!), everything really! So if you don’t THINK you want to do it... probably don’t, as it’ll be even more of a shock to the system than for someone who’s always wanted one and loves babies/children ?

OH has now had the snip as we are both like HELL NO that is never happening again! Wish I’d asked them to tie my tubes while I was open for C-section too, to make double sure ? if I were to get pregnant again I wouldn't have it. At this age, our son is just starting to get a bit more independent and fun; the thought of going through all that baby stuff again ? nah, it’s just not for me!

I will never say I wish I hadn’t had him, as he’s absolutely lovely - but if I’d known then what I know now, I don’t think I would have.

I can’t even be bothered to feel guilty about feeling like this any more, the constant parental guilt is exhausting. I don’t think my son can detect that I didn’t really want a baby though, anyway! OH is his favourite parent, purely because when he looks after him he devotes his undivided attention to him, whereas when I look after him, I tend to be getting on with housework/cooking/work at the same time; I expect him to play independently more, whereas OH devises games etc for him. He still just wants his mummy when he's tired or poorly though. We adore him and are raising him to the best of our ability. I hope when he’s older and maybe considering whether he wants children, we can have a grown up conversation about it and I can explain to him. I’d hate for him to have to go through what OH went through when I was struggling mentally; and would like him to know that whilst there are joyful moments, parenting is HARD! We might all be dead by then of course, through another new supervirus or global warming ? I do worry for his future with the way the world is going.


FWIW I don't feel offended by any of the comments on this thread from the not-had-children camp. I think they're all fair comment, if we're really honest with ourselves. However, let's remember that we do need a population to keep the country/world going; if everyone stopped having children altogether we'd be in a mess! We need children and young people in society.

What a great, honest and brave post.

 

[ycbm]

This. The social pressure is huge, direct and indirect, and ime it takes years before people stop asking questions or make assumptions.

In my experience it takes until you are obviously physically too old. I used to preempt the awkwardness by telling anyone I met who was going to meet me again that I was child free by choice.

 

[ycbm]

I do think many posts on this forum give a bit of a skewed viewpoint, people being able to continue to afford horse(s) alongside a baby, coming from backgrounds with a lot of help from grandparents or being able to be very flexible around work. The reality for most people is that over £1k per month on childcare alone (£1.5k for us at the moment) is limiting at best and absolutely crippling for many. If you don't have grandparents around, or they still work nearly full time, there is rarely a break. I remember reading posts on here about people saying they were back in the saddle after 2 days (!) etc., back out hunting/competing after a few weeks... but in my experience, that is definitely the exception and not the rule; it just seems to be quite common on this forum for some reason. Different demographic to my real life peer group I guess!

I'm glad you said that PP. I have never understood how so many people on the forum happily combine or combined having children with having horses and with any meaningful relationship with their partner outside of a bed (and then mostly asleep, or trying to be!), from the point of view of time and money and energy.

I think for most ordinary people, it's probably just not possible.

 

[milliepops]

I'm glad you said that PP. I have never understood how so many people on the forum happily combine or combined having children with having horses and with any meaningful relationship with their partner outside of a bed (and then mostly asleep, or trying to be!), from the point of view of time and money and energy.

I think for most ordinary people, it's probably just not possible.

it's hard enough just with the horses and a job! if we had children as well I think it would be a massive struggle.

 

[ponyparty]

it's hard enough just with the horses and a job! if we had children as well I think it would be a massive struggle.

With us, something had to give, that something was my sanity temporarily..!

Your post resonates with me and will with so many others, its good to be open, after an episiotomy and difficult birth it certainly wasn't days for me getting back on or even being able to get up to use the bathroom or feed the baby. I am always honest about my experience of being a mum and the harsh realities of it especially when the younger girls talk about having kids. BTW age 4 + and school life will change everything, not long to go xx

Thanks - I’m in a pretty good place now, and 2 is a funny age! He makes me laugh so much! His latest thing is calling my sister a ratbag ? I accidentally taught him the word and found it hilarious when he said “auntie ratbag” so now he does it all the time. Teasing my sister via my child - it’s evil genius! ?

Less funny when he’s screaming NO and MINE in my face but ya know... terrible twos and all that. I’m just grateful the hardest part is behind us!

Good to know school is a game changer... I’m counting down the days ? x

 

[ponyparty]

What a great, honest and brave post.

Thank you

 

[Annagain]

I find it odd when people talk about the social pressure as it's not something I've ever experienced really - or maybe I'm just impervious to it!

My dad told me once, "hurry up I want one" when were at a relative's funeral and my cousin had his baby with him. He was drunk so I didn't really take it that seriously and it's the one and only time in my life I've told him to f"£$ off. Mum has always been great about it and said she'd never put pressure on as it's too important and personal a decision. My sister has two girls, the oldest (11) asked me about having a cousin a few years ago as her other cousins live so far away, she wanted one close by. I just told her it wasn't nice to ask because it's a very personal decision and she's never done it since.

My close friends used to ask if I ever thought I'd change my mind as I got older but haven't done that for about 10 years. There was never any pressure though, we've just always talked about that sort of thing ever since one of them got pregnant at 19. We've been through the lot between us - the surprise pregnancies, the miscarriages (include a molar pregnancy), trouble conceiving, an ectopic pregnancy, PND, the OH wanting more kids but my friend being done, and the autistic child - or rather they have, I just sit and listen so they can ask me all they want as far as I'm concerned! I think they realised I wouldn't change my mind, once I hit about 35 and still hadn't! Out of 5 of us, 3 have kids (4,3 and 2 respectively) one desperately wants them but had trouble conceiving for years and then had an ectopic pregnancy at the start of lockdown so we have the full range.

With others, I probably shut it down before it gets that far. When I'm asked if I have kids, I just say "no, a dog and two horses are plenty for me" and that seems to stop the conversation.

 

[TPO]

I dont think that the "social pressure" comes from family or friends. I mean theres usually that one relative that makes comments but generally your family and friends know you and should understand and respect your decisions.

I find it more being randoms that have something to say about it. When meeting new people via work for example I'm often asked I'd I'm married and/or have children. The same is rarely asked of my male colleagues which is strange considering its just "innocent conversation" on their behalf ?

I dont think theyve been cruelly meant and just a "joke" but lots of people have said snippets like needing to hurry up/settle down/have kids before it's too late etc

I've never wanted kids myself and I'm pretty sure I cant ever settle so its water off a ducks back to me. However I have one friend who, from the age of 13, had been desperate to marry and have kids yet can't find a man. Shes 39 now and pretty upset how her life has turned out so those comments do hurt her and ironically shes hurt that they have waned because shes older and considered "past it" for having kids.

Another friend was trying for a baby on the quiet and nothing was happening so all of those comments really hurt her. She did end up having a healthy son.

Yet the single men at work didnt get subjected to any of that.

When I had one man at my old job keep on about it and how I need a man and to have a kid before I'm all dried up (?) I gave him my best Oscar performance. Told him how I'd miscarried several times, it ruined my relationship and now I'm infertile. When that shut up him I told him that wasnt true but it could have been so to stop asking women those questions and stop implying that there is something wrong with them if they dont "have" a man and/or children.

 

[smolmaus]

I find it odd when people talk about the social pressure as it's not something I've ever experienced really - or maybe I'm just impervious to it!

I would usually say the same. I don't necessarily feel it. But every so often I get caught off guard, usually at work, where someone makes it obvious that in their minds, I'm OBVIOUSLY going to get married and have kids. It's just a given so they don't even consider how rude it is to make that assumption, never mind voice it! It's not often nowadays that they follow up with "oh you'll change your mind" but I did get it from my boss earlier this year.

It is funny though that our tea lady in the office who must be pushing 85 will tease all the men viscously about marriage and kids and when they're putting a ring on it but she's never said a word to me and the other few girls. Chipping away at the patriarchy with knife-edge old lady wit.

 

[FinnBobs]

I find it odd when people talk about the social pressure as it's not something I've ever experienced really - or maybe I'm just impervious to it!

I've been told I'm selfish, that I don't love my Husband, that I love my horse more, that my priorities are all wrong etc and as I am a highly sensitive person anyway and have my own little inner battles on the issue I feel the pressure quite a lot. It has improved since I got assertive about it and now the family comments have eased a bit thankfully!

Had a decorator in my house last week asking why we hadn't had kids yet :/ I don't go round asking people I don't know why they do or don't have any.

 

[Cortez]

Neither I nor my brother have opted for having children. Perhaps we listened well to our parents (who were wonderful, caring, supportive; honestly the best mum and dad anyone could ask for) when they explained that whilst they loved us both very much, if they were to do it all over again they would not have children. Strangely I never asked them why - must ask dad next time I see him (mum died a long time ago).

 

[BallyJ]

I'm still young (25) getting married in 18months to my fiancé (29) We're still unsure - all of our siblings and friends can't wait - we're airing on the side of caution.

Still got lots of time to change our minds but I can't see us being parents of more than 1. We like the finer things in life and i enjoy working, can't see the point in having a child to put it in nursey from 6 months 7.30 - 6pm if we aren't desperate to have one.

We will see - I'll come back in 10 years with 8 children

 

[smolmaus]

I've been told I'm selfish, that I don't love my Husband, that I love my horse more, that my priorities are all wrong etc and as I am a highly sensitive person anyway and have my own little inner battles on the issue I feel the pressure quite a lot. It has improved since I got assertive about it and now the family comments have eased a bit thankfully!

Had a decorator in my house last week asking why we hadn't had kids yet :/ I don't go round asking people I don't know why they do or don't have any.

JFC ? That's appalling!! If it helps to hear, they are being horrifyingly rude and you are well within your rights to just tell them to go piss up a pole. "F*ck off" is a full sentence. Hard to actually do that when it's family ofc but still well within your rights!

When I had one man at my old job keep on about it and how I need a man and to have a kid before I'm all dried up (?) I gave him my best Oscar performance. Told him how I'd miscarried several times, it ruined my relationship and now I'm infertile. When that shut up him I told him that wasnt true but it could have been so to stop asking women those questions and stop implying that there is something wrong with them if they dont "have" a man and/or children.

Fabulous. Of course you shouldn't need to make this much effort to let people know how out of line they're being but DAMN that sounds satisfying.

 

[PapaverFollis]

I had one friend for a while who would just not let it go that I didn't want kids. I ditched her in the end because she did not play nicely at our mildly unconventional wedding either (and laughed at me when I said I was considering seeking an ASD diagnosis) it was just clear she just didn't respect my opinion on things at all. Weird as she always seemed a really lovely, soft kind of person. But there were spikey bits in there.

It's always been societal expectations and the "you'll change your mind" and the doctors denying medical assistance for my lifestyle choice that's been the issue. Just this pervasive idea that at some point my biology will just take over my will on the matter. It's all a bit "wandering womb" and "hysteria".

 

[Trouper]

I think you have to know yourself well to make that final decision. Marrying in mid-thirties we took a couple of years to be certain we both felt the same way and then took permanent measures to ensure we stayed childless. Have never regretted it. Whilst having endless patience with animals, this does not carry over to people so I am not sure a child of mine would have lived to see its majority!! (I jest).
If you love horses and desperately want one knowing all the ups and downs and dramas that come with horses, then I think you have to feel that way about children too - and make that the only reason to have one.

 

[palo1]

Thanks. I do wonder sometimes if I should just pretend everything is amazing, but I think it helps people to know what they might be letting themselves in for! Maybe if more people were honest about it, women wouldn't feel such a failure when things don't go perfectly.

I do think many posts on this forum give a bit of a skewed viewpoint, people being able to continue to afford horse(s) alongside a baby, coming from backgrounds with a lot of help from grandparents or being able to be very flexible around work. The reality for most people is that over £1k per month on childcare alone (£1.5k for us at the moment) is limiting at best and absolutely crippling for many. If you don't have grandparents around, or they still work nearly full time, there is rarely a break. I remember reading posts on here about people saying they were back in the saddle after 2 days (!) etc., back out hunting/competing after a few weeks... but in my experience, that is definitely the exception and not the rule; it just seems to be quite common on this forum for some reason. Different demographic to my real life peer group I guess!

I completely relate to your first post and this one @ponyparty. I have 2 children (now teenagers), loathed every minute of pregnancy and suffered from pre-natal depression which thankfully lifted within minutes/hours of giving birth to my second child. It had been extreme, terrifying and virtually unspeakable...Exhaustion, guilt, worry and financial struggle were the themes of babyhood for us too. Just relentless hard work and boredom in huge doses with 2 children only 17 months apart and me trying to work a bit only to have all of that money sucked into childcare that I felt guilty about One child would have been so much easier and better in some ways. I was determined to keep my horse and to keep riding but clearly had to go from fun eventing to plodding round the block maybe one day a week for quite a while. Shoes off, rugs off etc - very basic horse-keeping for a while and I found that disappointing and frustrating as I had worked so hard to get my horse prepared for events etc and took pride in lovely tack and a sleek, fit horse. My body seemed to be that of a stranger as well...However, I was able to keep going, my OH is great at supporting me and the children in all sorts of ways and I have a life that I couldn't have envisaged at all pre-children. I do like that life, I have re-found my youthful identity and tacked on motherhood to that too. My riding actually improved post children as I had to become far more focussed and committed to keep going - I know a lot of people either wouldn't or couldn't do that in similar circumstances.

I found motherhood very liberating in lots of ways too though; I ceased to fret over personal stuff so much, found out what I think is really important and worth any headspace at all and kind of 'cemented' my sense of self as my youthful pre-children identity and dreams collided with my maternal identity. Thank goodness the dreams and hopes of my youth are still very much present, I adore and respect my two children and very much value their ideas, experiences and hopes for the future. They are, in some ways, helping my OH and I to continue to dream about better futures for all of us and the responsibility of children has meant that well-meaning ideas have to become some reality in our lives and actions; I think much more about what I say and do as I am aware of both modelling stuff for my young'uns and because I feel a bit more invested in the future knowing my two are going to have to live in it and find us accountable!!

Horses (and dogs) feature much more in my life than I ever thought possible now and that is a good thing. My OH is lovely and always said that if children were part of our future he would be particularly delighted but that they didn't have to be. I have had a number of brilliant family members that didn't have children and never really felt under pressure one way or the other. I don't know what life would have offered me without children as I didn't take that road. I feel pretty confident that would have been a good life too but I can't possibly say that one choice or the other is 'better'.

I do think society makes parenthood look and sound much easier than the reality and that is a trap and a lie whether you want children or not!!

 

[wiglet]

I got married in my early 20s and am now in my 50s. Childless by choice, neither I or my OH have ever wanted kids. For the sake of appearing 'normal' I always take and interest in my nieces, nephews and friends kids, I ask about them and appear interested but, I absolutely have no interest in any of them - I actually find primary school kids tedious and often quite rude and overindulged these days.
We have a good life - horses, holidays, meals out, we buy what we want and no money issues... its a nice life.

 

[ester]

I'm 37 and no one has ever asked me whether I will be having children, perhaps I send out some sort of vibe?! Quite happy to play with them, give me a pony and a child and I'm nailing it and still waiting for friends son to grow out of me being favourite aunty because even if he only sees me twice a year I still make the best volcanoes.

My mum mostly borrows other people's grandchildren, and helps mind a 2ish year old girl for a friend/surrogate daughter who lives close by. I think my sister would have them but hasn't found the right person to do so with so might time out.

Mum did stop being involved in horses at all for about 20 years, me and my sis bought her some lessons when was about 16 and she's not really stopped since . I am always a bit sad that she did have to give it up for so long though

 

[Tarragon]

I had my first daughter aged 35 and my third at 39 and 3/4!
For some reason having a child at 39 was OK but having one at 40 would have felt really old!
However, having married a very non horsey OH, I had very little to do with horses from the age of 20 to mid 30's then decided that damn it - I was going to get myself a pony!

 

[Annagain]

I've been told I'm selfish, that I don't love my Husband, that I love my horse more, that my priorities are all wrong etc and as I am a highly sensitive person anyway and have my own little inner battles on the issue I feel the pressure quite a lot. It has improved since I got assertive about it and now the family comments have eased a bit thankfully!

Had a decorator in my house last week asking why we hadn't had kids yet :/ I don't go round asking people I don't know why they do or don't have any.

That's awful. I've been asked if I have kids but never more than that. I think I give off a "don't mess with me" vibe in general and stand up for myself - like the time our (incredibly useless) boss (not our immediate one but the one who visited once every two months and didn't have a clue what we do day to day) turned up to tell us all how cr@p we all were and how we should all work a certain way (which is what we did anyway). None of the senior staff said a word so I told her exactly what I thought of her doing that and expecting us to respond positively.... Yeah, now that I think about it, maybe that's why people don't comment on the kids thing in work .

 

[maya2008]

I just wanted to add to the posts above - for us, nothing was plain sailing. I am hypermobile so the pregnancy was hard, baby no.2 caused physical problems that lasted for 3 years heavily and some that will be lifelong, we have no grandparent support of any kind (not even advice on the phone) and ordinary jobs. My horses live in a field, we work shifts around each other and most things are second hand. We have friends and help each other out, we moved somewhere cheaper and have adapted our lives to suit.

Why do most people gloss over all this? Well...because they WANTED children, very much (in me it was like a biological time bomb going off and all I wanted was a baby (and then another!)). I still do - I watch them grow and change and they bring great joy. It was the next adventure, and all adventures carry risks and rewards of their own.

If you don't want children, you might well resent the time and difficulty, the impact on your body and the change in your life. They are huge!

 

[Pearlsacarolsinger]

My answer to people who ask me 'but who will look after you when you are old? ' is not printable!

That would be a terrible reason for having children!

 

[Rowreach]

I am very glad I had mine.

 

[NinjaPony]

For me, the only reason to choose to have a child, whatever stage of life, is because YOU want one. It’s not something anyone should do half heartedly, or with any doubts about whether they want them. Of course, if it’s an accident then that’s a different story.

I worked behind the scenes at a nursery school for a while, and the difficulties and responsibilities of children should never been underestimated. IME you need to be prepared for your whole life to revolve around their needs for a long time. I think it’s something you should feel passionately about, not lukewarm. Otherwise, the relentless tasks of parenting may become resented. I know a few people who feel very strongly maternal, and more than prepared to take that on. But it should come from you, and you alone, not in response to pressure from anyone else.

I should also add that my time at the nursery made me understand why people do it.... children can be difficult but they can also be delightful.

I don’t think I’ll ever have children, but I do think it would be nice to be an aunt, or a godparent.

It’s your body and your life Frumpoon, don’t let anyone dictate how that should look.

 

[BeckyFlowers]

I've been told I'm selfish, that I don't love my Husband, that I love my horse more, that my priorities are all wrong etc and as I am a highly sensitive person anyway and have my own little inner battles on the issue I feel the pressure quite a lot. It has improved since I got assertive about it and now the family comments have eased a bit thankfully!

Had a decorator in my house last week asking why we hadn't had kids yet :/ I don't go round asking people I don't know why they do or don't have any.

Bloody hell that's awful! Who thinks that this is an appropriate thing to say out loud?!