Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[conniegirl]

I am also the bread winner and can't afford to go part time yet but OH would be quite happy to (which is not something I've ever had in an OH) in a couple of years. I'm also not sure I'm done having adventures.

I'm the bread winner in this house, with my wage being nearly double my husbands wage. At the moment our plans are for me to take 4.5months of maternity leave (at statutory), then all my holiday in one block at the end of the year (which will be full pay). My husband is then going to take 6 months of shared parental leave (he will get 13 weeks on half pay from his company and then the rest will be from our savings).
We have both approached our companies about flexible working arrangements, mine is quite open to it and husbands is currently doing a consultation on flexible working anyway, however if anyone were to go part time it had been agreed that it would be my husband, not me.

A career and children are not mutually exclusive, particularly if you have a supportive partner.

 

[Breagha]

I only have one child and only plan to have the one. I get the comments but she will be lonely and spoilt. She won't be lonely as she has a dog and we have 3 horses, she goes to nursery to play with friends. I would rather have one and be able to afford our horses and be able to afford to buy her "horsey things" than have 2 and have to get rid of my horses.

I get it from all sides as I didn't want to have kids but can't see myself without my little sidekick.

 

[MagicMelon]

Im 35 and just had my 3rd son. I never aimed to have kids as such, my OH wanted one so that was the first one that came along. Then we felt bad he didnt have a sibling so had another. Then we were certain we were done, OH had a vasectomy. Well that vasectomy healed itself after a year (despite earlier tests coming back negative as per instructions, we were careful!) so my 3rd son was a 1 in 2,000 chance of a failed vasectomy. It was a shock I have to say, Im still not over the shock and he was born 2 weeks ago! Once they come along, of course you dont regret it, you adore them. I do struggle with the lack of freedom they bring... I'm trying to plan how to start riding again now Ive got a newborn again. It does make things harder but I dont regret having them

 

[Equine_Dream]

I've just turned 30. Never wanted children whatsoever. I enjoy my job my horses and my independence. Hubby already has a child from previous mistake, sorry I meant "relationship" I adore his daughter, although I fully admit I am glad to be able to give her back to her mother after spending the day with her and carry on with my life. I know that sounds selfish but this is why I'm happy to admit I'm too selfish to have children ?‍

 

[oldie48]

I've just turned 30. Never wanted children whatsoever. I enjoy my job my horses and my independence. Hubby already has a child from previous mistake, sorry I meant "relationship" I adore his daughter, although I fully admit I am glad to be able to give her back to her mother after spending the day with her and carry on with my life. I know that sounds selfish but this is why I'm happy to admit I'm too selfish to have children ?‍

My first husband was much older, divorced with three children. I was very happy to spend time with his children but when I was pregnant with my first daughter, his first wife died very tragically. They initially stayed with their stepfather in a different part of the country but one by one they came to live with us. So at 31 I found myself with a 4 year old, three teenage children and a husband who tbh left it all to me. Actually, it was OK and although the oldest was closer to my age than my husband, we all got along fine and I had willing baby sitters. That marriage did break down, nothing to do with his children and only after they were all fairly settled but this thread has brought back lots of memories as it's over 40 years ago. Beware, you never know what is round the corner.

 

[Equine_Dream]

*files for divorce*

??

 

[Muddywellies]

My parents were like this when i was younger. My dad even said he had no interest in being a grandparent. So I though that was all cool. Then my mother recently started up with the "who will look after you when you're old?" thing.

Perhaps its a reflection of her fear of the aging process, but being on the receiving end of that has definitely made me feel more spiky about the whole thing.

I had a few people ask me who would look after me when I was old, and it used to worry me. Then an older friend (with a family) told me there's absolutely no guarantee than any offspring will 'look after you' in old age. Family fallouts / emigrating etc etc. Indeed, I work with old folk and it's surprising just how many of them aren't in touch with their sons and daughters. So I don't let that concern me anymore as I'm sure ill be sat playing bingo in the old folks home in my 90s, with other ladies and gents who have family but they don't see them.

 

[milliepops]

i'm not concerned either, tbh, and it's not something I'd want to impose on any child of mine anyway!

 

[JGC]

Yeah, the "who'll look after you when you get old" comes up a lot to me. Except I live abroad, my sister lives five hours from my mother and they have a rocky relationship anway, and mum is a widow. My uncle has a son with disabilities, as does my husband's uncle and both of them are so worried about what will happen to their children when they're gone, so having children guarantees nothing.

It's also got to be the most selfish reason I can think of for having a child, which coming from people who say that I'm selfish not to want children grinds my gears (P.S. I'm thinking of particular conversations with work colleagues and not generalizing, I have no general problem with other people having children!)

 

[laura_nash]

I'm the bread winner in this house, with my wage being nearly double my husbands wage. At the moment our plans are for me to take 4.5months of maternity leave (at statutory), then all my holiday in one block at the end of the year (which will be full pay). My husband is then going to take 6 months of shared parental leave (he will get 13 weeks on half pay from his company and then the rest will be from our savings).
We have both approached our companies about flexible working arrangements, mine is quite open to it and husbands is currently doing a consultation on flexible working anyway, however if anyone were to go part time it had been agreed that it would be my husband, not me.

A career and children are not mutually exclusive, particularly if you have a supportive partner.

I agree my career hasn't really been impacted at all by having my daughter, probably much more impacted by decisions I made in order to have a horse (re where I am prepared to live and not taking jobs that expect me to work long hours etc).

My OH was earning slightly more than me, but we very quickly agreed he would stop working and be a stay at home dad. Partly because he was the one that was really keen on a kid, but also because my work had very good maternity benefits (my maternity leave was all on full pay) provided I came back afterwards, was stable with good hours and a supportive environment and I really enjoyed it. OH's job sometimes had long hours and staying away, was a lot more pressured and stressful and there was not much support for parents or flexibility.

 

[Cortez]

My 89 year old father has categorically stated that he does not want me, or my brother, to look after him "when" he gets old.

 

[oldie48]

My 89 year old father has categorically stated that he does not want me, or my brother, to look after him "when" he gets old.

A man after my own heart and I guess he will never admit to being old either.

 

[ecb89]

I’m 31, the other day my mum said ‘you still might change your mind’ I think at 31 I’m pretty sure that I don’t want kids

 

[Megan V1]

I only have one child and only plan to have the one. I get the comments but she will be lonely and spoilt. She won't be lonely as she has a dog and we have 3 horses, she goes to nursery to play with friends. I would rather have one and be able to afford our horses and be able to afford to buy her "horsey things" than have 2 and have to get rid of my horses.

I get it from all sides as I didn't want to have kids but can't see myself without my little sidekick.

I only have one, he is now 22 and it never bothered him being an only child. He has loads of friends and being an only child he learnt early on how to interact with others if he wanted company. He always mixed very well with both adults and other children. I have no regrets having only one and I still have my six horses.

 

[Upthecreek]

The only good reason for having children is because you want to. It should never be to please someone else or to fulfill an expectation. Children are hard work and expensive. Good parenting takes up a huge amount of time and energy and if you aren’t prepared for that commitment you shouldn’t have them. The reality is that if you have children you are responsible for creating human beings that will hopefully grow up to be good people. In the early years parents are the greatest influence on children and bad/inadequate parenting can have a lifelong impact on the individual.

 

[ycbm]

My 89 year old father has categorically stated that he does not want me, or my brother, to look after him "when" he gets old.

89? Oh bless him

 

[Starbucks]

I’m 37 now and have a 5 and a 3yo (kids). I was a bit ‘meh’ about the whole idea, I think when you have horses and dogs they take up that love? So you don’t really feel the need for babies. Anyway husband has always been cleats he wanted kids and I ran out of excuses so popped a couple of kids out.

I’m so glad I did. Life is a bit mental with work, kids and a horse and it is a juggling act. I feel a lot of guilt that I’m not doing any of the 3 things properly. Plus I’m glad husband makes plenty of money or the horse would be the first to go. I don’t think I’ll ever be a pony club mum so quite happy for me horse to be ‘me time’. Hand on heart I’ve never regretted it for a second.

 

[joosie]

My 89 year old father has categorically stated that he does not want me, or my brother, to look after him "when" he gets old.

Mine has told us just to drop him off in Switzerland

 

[Leah3horses]

I’m 31, the other day my mum said ‘you still might change your mind’ I think at 31 I’m pretty sure that I don’t want kids

I'm 50, and occasionally am told " it's still not too late" ?. It was too late for me from puberty ?. Never wanted to get married or have kids, never did, absolutely no regrets, and that's from someone with zero family members whatsoever from age 13. Thank feck for living all over the world for 12 years, dogs and horses, all Iever wanted or needed. This planet ran out of natural resources to support the then population of 3.5 billion in 1970. Now it's creeping up towards 8 billion, with all the destruction of what's left of the natural world. I would have adopted if I'd had any strong maternal drive, because to think my own genetic material was so special it must be reproduced, would have been completely narcissistic, when there were and are desperate children in need of love.

 

[ecb89]

Just remembered this. My dad said I liked playing with dollies when I was younger, therefore I must want children ?

 

[Nudibranch]

I would have adopted if I'd had any strong maternal drive, because to think my own genetic material was so special it must be reproduced, would have been completely narcissistic, when there were and are desperate children in need of love.

There really is no need to be so vile. Is there any particular reason you appear to hold so much hatred for people who have children?
The children who will go on to contribute to the economy of the future, solve the environmental problems caused by the current generation of 40-90 year olds, and ultimately do all the intimate care for those people in their care homes...need I go on?

 

[AmyMay]

I’m 31, the other day my mum said ‘you still might change your mind’ I think at 31 I’m pretty sure that I don’t want kids

Interestingly I never particularly wanted kids until I reached my 30’s, at which point I did have a pang of regret that it wasn’t an option for me at that time. I had a miscarriage in my late teens, and after that (despite not being particularly careful) I never got pregnant again. So it seems it was never to be. I don’t think I’m particularly maternal, but I would have enjoyed being a mum I think. Now I just soak up the time I get with my nieces and nephew. And will too with our new grandchild once we get to meet her (stepdaughter).

 

[wispagold]

There really is no need to be so vile. Is there any particular reason you appear to hold so much hatred for people who have children?
The children who will go on to contribute to the economy of the future, solve the environmental problems caused by the current generation of 40-90 year olds, and ultimately do all the intimate care for those people in their care homes...need I go on?

I have to say L3H's comments upset me a bit too. Could be that I am 25 weeks pregnant with my very much wanted and planned 2nd child and therefore feeling a bit hormonal and emotional about told I am narcissistic for having chosen to reproduce.

I have to say that I think people who choose to adopt are incredible. I am not sure I could do it. I am not particularly maternal or bothered about other people's children. I don't dislike them, I just wouldn't want to take them home. My own children are a completely different matter. I can't put into words how I strongly I feel about them. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them and haven't regretted my decision for a second (even though I don't have a horse at the moment).

No judgment from me whether you have children or not. Everyone's circumstances are different.

 

[ponyparty]

I think people on both sides say things that is just their view, without thinking about what it might sound like to others. It's a personal decision and nowt to do with anyone else really - so if that poster FEELS that it would be narcissistic of her to want children, that's cool, coz that's how she feels. It doesn't mean everyone who has children is narcissistic, as to suggest that would just be silly, wouldn't it

One of my best friends came to my house with her baby years ago, all full of joy, and proudly told me that my people's lives are meaningless until they have kids. Sat in my house, telling me my life was meaningless, to my face, with no clue how rude that was! I was equally amused and furious - furious because HOW RUDE but amused because my life was actually fabulous, bar the crap boyfriend at the time (who I binned off shortly afterwards) - far from meaningless!

 

[milliepops]

I think people on both sides say things that is just their view, without thinking about what it might sound like to others. It's a personal decision and nowt to do with anyone else really - so if that poster FEELS that it would be narcissistic of her to want children, that's cool, coz that's how she feels. It doesn't mean everyone who has children is narcissistic, as to suggest that would just be silly, wouldn't it

exactly this. I didn't read the post as being offensive because it is fairly similar to mine. I don't really want to pass my genetics on either, nothing major just an unspecified feeling of .... meh. but it's absolutely no reflection on what other people choose to do.
same as I bred from a horse that other people probably wouldn't have. I had my own reasons and I'm cool with that, it's my business not theirs so all the "you shouldn't breed from an unproven mare" posts on here are water off a duck's back

 

[Abi90]

exactly this. I didn't read the post as being offensive because it is fairly similar to mine. I don't really want to pass my genetics on either, nothing major just an unspecified feeling of .... meh. but it's absolutely no reflection on what other people choose to do.
same as I bred from a horse that other people probably wouldn't have. I had my own reasons and I'm cool with that, it's my business not theirs so all the "you shouldn't breed from an unproven mare" posts on here are water off a duck's back

Literally the same.

Given how I appear to be falling apart at 30 as well, my genetics probably shouldn’t be passed on. I haven’t stayed sound.

 

[hollyandivy123]

I have made it very clear to both my daughters that the only help I will need and want when I become decrepit is to get to the top of a cliff. Worrying they have both offered to help.

A friend had a similar conversation we her two kids.....the cost of care etc.....they pointed out it was not a worry and the only thing to consider was if should be first or second class flight to Switzerland. ....the argument was whether first class was a waste of money. ......

 

[Lintel]

Loving this very interesting thread to read through from someone who doesn't have a maternal bone in there body but who's OH wishes a child...

 

[Mule]

I haven't. I always assumed I'd have kids. When I got in to my 30s I realised I wasn't bothered either way. I'm 37 now,
(that happened quickly ) so I hope I don't change my mind.

 

[Whoopit]

Children ruin your life.

Especially if you have a time-consuming hobby like horses.

I never wanted children. Never. Fella wasn’t really bothered but if there was one he’d be chuffed and awesome at it.

We have one. A surprise one. He’s brilliant and he hasn’t really made that much different to me working full time and having a horse. I still ride in the week and at weekends, I go to clinics - nothing has really changed other than I manage my time a lot better. I’m lucky I have a solid career and I’m paid well (could be better if I moved company but I have a lot of flexibility which I cant really put a price on).

That said, the first 3yrs are a tough gig money-wise until they get free hours with nursery so here on in, it should be a whale of an easy ride ???