Horse vs partner

[Pearlsasinger]

It doesn't effect time tkme I spend with him as I finish work earlier than him so I go and see to the horse before he finishes, sometimes I'm home an hour after he is because I may ride but I'm never late as I get my little boy ready for bed at 6.30 and also when I go up the farm my little one either comes with me of my father has him so he has no reason to moan!

So it all boils down to him wanting to tell you what you can think about! I am afraid I would get rid of him, rather than the horse- and fairly quickly. Would you want your child to grow up believing that is the way to behave towards your partner?

 

[AmyMay]

Ask your OH to take the horse out of the equation - and to replace it with something like running, or swimming (spending the same amount of time doing that as you spend with the horse). Would his feeling still be the same?

Is it simply the horse, or the fact that you spend time on an activity that takes you out of the home?

 

[Gloi]

If you did sell the horse to please him you would end up hating him for it and split up anyway.
He says women who have horses are odd and single. Well I'll take that over living with a bully anyday.

 

[windswoo]

He is jealous!! He is jealous of the time, money and love you spend on your horse.
You are not taking out any of the time you spend with him and you are taking your little boy with you so spending time with him, so what is his problem?
If you have had a horse before him, then he should have known what he was getting into and if he doesn't like it maybe he should go.
It's not as if you are making him spend time with your horse either.
if you get rid of the horse it won't be long before he thinks of something else you do that he doesn't like - like seeing your friends.
As others have said you need to nip this in the bud - tell him that you are are not getting rid of YOUR horse

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

I think this him or the horse ultimatum is just the accumulation of a simmering under current of problems that are clearly indicating this relationship is sadly not working, and is never going to work no matter what you do to appease the self centered controlling gob shite.

Give up your horse for him and just sit back and wait for the next controlling demand from him. Because make no mistake, there will be more and more control exerted over you and none of it will ,'save' the relationship as he is suggesting. Your life and the life of your child will become increasingly insular and miserable, believe me please.

Tell him you have made your choice and how amicably does he want the split and necessary practicalities to be. Kick him into touch, life is too short and too wonderful to waste another moment of your time with this chancer.

 

[Melody Grey]

He spends lot more time with the bikes than he makes out. He doesn't spend a lot of time with our child as he runs his own business but that's still no excuse. Yes I also work and basically bring our child up as a single parent and my little one loves coming up the stables with me helping out.

I wonder if he is jealous of the bond you and your little one share through the horse, so feels inclined to close it down?

 

[teddy_]

As others have said, I don't think this sounds like it's really about the horse at all.

No child will benefit from having parents who (potentially) don't respect each other but, continue to cohabit.

Very tough for you OP, nonetheless .

 

[Jellymoon]

I’m so sorry you are in this situation, we can all relate to it I’m sure, up to a point.
To me, what you describe sounds like a coercive relationship, and I wonder if it’s time for you to break free. I don’t think it’s just about the horse either, it’s about jealousy and control.
Are there other areas in your life where you feel he tries to control you? How does he feel about you seeing friends and going out without him, for example?

 

[Velcrobum]

It doesn't effect time tkme I spend with him as I finish work earlier than him so I go and see to the horse before he finishes, sometimes I'm home an hour after he is because I may ride but I'm never late as I get my little boy ready for bed at 6.30 and also when I go up the farm my little one either comes with me of my father has him so he has no reason to moan!

You might have a child with him but you say yourself you are single parenting. Horse does not impinge on "family" time he does not have to look after his son in horse time. He is jealous of you having a horse, hobby and is now trying to bully, co-erse you into doing what he wants. This is mental domestic abuse plain and simple. It sounds like you have family close by who also help so you are not alone. Personally I would be out of this situation as fast as I could go. It will be tough but better than the poo he is directing at you about the horse and the "other stuff" you have mentioned.

 

[Jellymoon]

Oh, and watch Maid on Netflix, if you want to feel empowered!

 

[WWO]

Sorry but I'd be telling him to put up and shut up or leave. I moved my entire life 4 hours away for my ex and took my horses too. All she did was moan and tried to force me to give up. I said no chance and jog on. Moved my life and horses back to my mums and have stayed single ever since. Never ever again will I allow anyone to try to dictate anything to me again.

 

[littleshetland]

If he really loves you...I mean REALLY loves you, then he would put up with the horse in your life because it makes you happy.

 

[fiwen30]

I’m going to suggest that you read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft, there’s a free PDF here - https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf You might find it rings a lot of bells for different aspects of your relationship.

It sure sounds like if it wasn’t the horse, then it would be something else that he would be twisting to make you feel guilty about.

 

[Highflinger]

He sounds very selfish and unreasonable. If you are away most weekends with the motorbikes surely it is his hobby that is by far the more time consuming. I have afeeling that if you give up your horse he will find something else to complain about. I think he uses the horse as an excuse for a more underlying control issue.
Sorry you are in this situation and hope you can find a solution.

 

[Laurac13]

25 years ago my boyfriend who I lived with at the time expected me to watch him play cricket and football every weekend, my horse was on full livery so me popping up to ride didn’t take long but all I got was ‘oh so your going to see dog meat’ ? I ditched the boyfriend and spent time with my beloved horse never regretted it one bit. So sorry you’re in this situation and must be hard with a child I hope you manage to sort things out and he compromises a bit x

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Yet every weekend in summer is spent away doing his hobby? And you’re back before him in the evenings? What on earth is his problem, then?

It doesn't effect time tkme I spend with him as I finish work earlier than him so I go and see to the horse before he finishes, sometimes I'm home an hour after he is because I may ride but I'm never late as I get my little boy ready for bed at 6.30 and also when I go up the farm my little one either comes with me of my father has him so he has no reason to moan!

What is he doing while you’re at the yard? Does he want you just sat at home waiting for him? In what other ways does he control you? And when does he do any parenting?

My husband isn’t ecstatic about me spending time with my horse, but only because he worries (had an accident some years back and he panics, bless him). It wouldn’t be pretty if he tried to stop me seeing him. As Amymay says m it’s healthy to have different hobbies. You don’t need to be with him 24/7 on a weekend (But I would be asking him to step the f**k up re actual parenting at weekends)

 

[Upthecreek]

This is nothing to do with the horse really. In a loving relationship you don’t ask someone to give up something that brings them joy just because you don’t like it. This is about control and jealousy and if you get rid of the horse I guarantee you will find he starts moaning about how much time you spend with your son/friends/family next.

I’m shocked at the responses suggesting you put your horse on out on loan temporarily to see if it improves your relationship when you obviously don’t want to get rid of your horse. The only reason you would do that is to make your partner happy. Why should you give up something you love and make yourself miserable to make him happy? Relationships are about compromise. Sit down with him and talk about how you might be able make it work. If his response is that he will accept nothing less than you getting rid of the horse, you have a decision to make.

 

[SO1]

I am wondering if he is feeling unloved. Most of problems with horses stem from time and money but these are not his complaints.

Getting a sharer may help with time and money but as they are not his problem then it probably won't make a difference.

I would suggest counselling or at least say you want to save the relationship but you need some marriage counselling before you make the decision. The difficulty is you have a child. This is about your feelings about the horse and about how that makes him feel. What you don't want to do is give up the horse only find 6 months that he then asks to you to give up work or seeing friends due to jealousy or insecurity.

 

[ElleSkywalker]

This sounds dangerously like controlling and coersive behaviour, which is now a criminal offence.

 

[YorksG]

Can I just ask if this has got worse since you had the child? It is not unknown for men to be jealous of their own children. He will find it almost impossible to say if he is jealous of his child, so may well be putting onto the horse, his emotions regarding the child, iyswim.

 

[Jellymoon]

This is nothing to do with the horse really. In a loving relationship you don’t ask someone to give up something that brings them joy just because you don’t like it. This is about control and jealousy and if you get rid of the horse I guarantee you will find he starts moaning about how much time you spend with your son/friends/family next.

I’m shocked at the responses suggesting you put your horse on out on loan temporarily to see if it improves your relationship when you obviously don’t want to get rid of your horse. The only reason you would do that is to make your partner happy. Why should you give up something you love and make yourself miserable to make him happy? Relationships are about compromise. Sit down with him and talk about how you might be able make it work. If his response is that he will accept nothing less than you getting rid of the horse, you have a decision to make.

I completely agree with you, every word, but in the defence of people who have said ‘loan the horse’ etc, I think we horse people are very quick to say ‘ditch the bxstxrd’ if the OHs ever dare to question how much money and time we spend with the horses. Sometimes, we can be a bit selfish, and they have lives too.
However, I think this one is not a ‘good un’, I’m afraid, he sounds controlling.

 

[RHM]

Oh I can relate to this so much. My ex was exactly the same, we had also been together 8 years but luckily had no children. Everything we couldn’t do was my fault or the horses.
He thought the sole reason we never went travelling was because I had a horse. Since we have broke up I have been all round the world and he has gone to his families house in Spain. Says it all! He is trying to control you, believe me if you don’t stop it now it will get so much worse. You will wake up one day and not recognise the person you have become. For most of that relationship I couldn’t even comprehend leaving.
There are men out their that are happy that you have your own hobbies! My OH is the most supportive partner, he comes to all comps, drives the lorry, forces me to eat. And is down right wonderful. When I was discussing what to do when the horses retire and speculated that I couldn’t possibly replace them he shot that down in flames. All because he sees how happy they make me. He also has his own hobbies and spends loads of time out the house. That is what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I think if he truly loved you he wouldn't be making you get rid of your horse and its controlling horrible behaviour and if he can't see that I think your better off without him.

 

[Upthecreek]

I completely agree with you, every word, but in the defence of people who have said ‘loan the horse’ etc, I think we horse people are very quick to say ‘ditch the bxstxrd’ if the OHs ever dare to question how much money and time we spend with the horses. Sometimes, we can be a bit selfish, and they have lives too.
However, I think this one is not a ‘good un’, I’m afraid, he sounds controlling.

I don’t have an issue with a non-horsey partner questioning the amount of time and money we spend on our horses. What is not reasonable in this case is that he appears to be totally unwilling to compromise; either she gets rid of the horse or they can’t be together. Yet he can go on motorcycle weekends, which she joins in with, presumably to make him happy. There has to be give and take. Healthy relationships are not about giving ultimatums and threatening your partner that you will leave unless they agree to go along with exactly what you want.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

One of friends has managed to escape a controlling relationship. No horses involved but it has left her in a terrible mess. Has he always been the way he is or is it that you are starting to notice his negative behaviour? No-one who loves a person should ask them to give something up they love.

 

[IrishMilo]

I can usually see both sides in this sort of situation but having been with two narcissistic arseholes (police were involved, they weren't just your run of the mill tossers), 1) I recognise this sort of controlling, selfish behaviour to a T and 2) he sounds like a dick. A good partner should encourage you to do the things that make you happy, and would feel REALLY uncomfortable asking you to give up something that makes you tick.

 

[Julie Ole Girl]

Your child is the most important thing in your life (who you say lovess the whole horsey situation ) , then the horse, then him. My partner is non horsey and has had to accept that with me. (horses and cats are my kids).. as he knows it makes me happy. Isn't that what you want from him? Happy Wife, Happy Life.

 

[tristar]

i`d ask him if he is expecting you to chose between him and the horse, because if he is tell him you will chose the horse because its better looking

 

[AmyMay]

In our house (now that I no longer have horses) it’s; the dog, the dog, me, OH….

 

[Flame_]

Ditch him

This. Live your best life for you, you only get one.