Horse vs partner

[Astara92]

Thank you for guys for all of your support! I have had a conversation with him this evening about a sharer and first of all he seems OK with the idea but it soon was a no no. His words where "you having a horse feels like you have a child with someone else that I'm not involved with". I don't see us getting past this, he's saying it's bugged him for ages and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

 

[IrishMilo]

Thank you for guys for all of your support! I have had a conversation with him this evening about a sharer and first of all he seems OK with the idea but it soon was a no no. His words where "you having a horse feels like you have a child with someone else that I'm not involved with". I don't see us getting past this, he's saying it's bugged him for ages and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

So he's jealous as well as controlling... my ex said EXACTLY the same thing FWIW. He sat me down and told me it was 'weird' how obsessed with my hobby I was and he didn't know anyone else like it, as if having a passion was a bad thing. We didn't even live together at this point and I'd never not seen him because of it.

 

[Snow Falcon]

So he's jealous of a horse? I hope you manage to sort things out amicably for the sake of your child. Do you have a mortgage?

 

[AmyMay]

Thank you for guys for all of your support! I have had a conversation with him this evening about a sharer and first of all he seems OK with the idea but it soon was a no no. His words where "you having a horse feels like you have a child with someone else that I'm not involved with". I don't see us getting past this, he's saying it's bugged him for ages and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

Oh for goodness sake. What a drama lama.

Tell him, that you’re prepared to make a concession, in the shape of a sharer. And you’d like him to take some time to think about your offer. You’re asking nothing of him (weekends away with his motorbike continue), so you’d appreciate him being an adult about what you’ve said.

You take 100% of the situation as he’s not grown up enough to.

 

[Mrs B]

Thank you for guys for all of your support! I have had a conversation with him this evening about a sharer and first of all he seems OK with the idea but it soon was a no no. His words where "you having a horse feels like you have a child with someone else that I'm not involved with". I don't see us getting past this, he's saying it's bugged him for ages and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

Hmm. I think you must know from that, that he is trying to split with you and make it your fault. No one worth spending your life with says things like that. I appreciate that you have a child together and that the road ahead will be a tough one, but not a fraction as tough as carrying on trying to tread on eggshells to please someone who quite frankly doesn't want you to find a way to please him.

Regret is a terrible, terrible thing - please don't stay and look back in 10 years' time, miserable having given up your horse and your 'me' time, when you could have found someone who makes you and your daughter happy, or found happiness in your life as a pair with your daughter.

ETA - Apologies! I had daughter in my head when it is actually your son

 

[Goldenstar]

Oh another man child , how delightful .
If it was not the horse it would be something else .
You have made a concession with the sharer now have that hard think .

 

[Astara92]

So he's jealous as well as controlling... my ex said EXACTLY the same thing FWIW. He sat me down and told me it was 'weird' how obsessed with my hobby I was and he didn't know anyone else like it, as if having a passion was a bad thing. We didn't even live together at this point and I'd never not seen him because of it.

Sounds exactly like my partner then! He also says how unhealthy is it and not normal for me to be up the farm all the time. Reckons that I'm an adult now and I can't just do my hobby all the time and I need to get a grip and get into the real world ??.

 

[ycbm]

Your horse is like having had a child with another man? There's only one direction your relationship with your OH is going, isn't there? The only question is the timing.
.

 

[SO1]

So what sort of life does he want? What does he consider normal?

This is not and about time and money it because he feels you love the horse in the same way you love your child.

Is there anyway you could get him involved with the horse so he feels more included. Maybe he feels like he is including you in the motorbike hobby but you are excluding him from your hobby.

If he has felt like this for years what has happened to suddenly push his over the edge, friend at work saying horse ownership is all a bit odd..

Thank you for guys for all of your support! I have had a conversation with him this evening about a sharer and first of all he seems OK with the idea but it soon was a no no. His words where "you having a horse feels like you have a child with someone else that I'm not involved with". I don't see us getting past this, he's saying it's bugged him for ages and now he's had enough of being with someone who hasn't got a "normal life".

 

[Poingsettia]

Sounds exactly like my partner then! He also says how unhealthy is it and not normal for me to be up the farm all the time. Reckons that I'm an adult now and I can't just do my hobby all the time and I need to get a grip and get into the real world ??.

How does this compare to time spent on his hobby? He seems to forget that a horse can’t just be parked in a garage when not in use. It’s an animal.

 

[Astara92]

So what sort of life does he want? What does he consider normal?

This is not and about time and money it because he feels you love the horse in the same way you love your child.

Is there anyway you could get him involved with the horse so he feels more included. Maybe he feels like he is including you in the motorbike hobby but you are excluding him from your hobby.

If he has felt like this for years what has happened to suddenly push his over the edge, friend at work saying horse ownership is all a bit odd..

I have asked him to be involved for ages and he doesn't have any interest what so ever! He doesn't even like me talking about the horse

 

[AmyMay]

I have asked him to be involved for ages and he doesn't have any interest what so ever! He doesn't even like me talking about the horse

That’s just weird

 

[ycbm]

I always put the alternative view on this kind of thread.

But this time?

If what you have written is correct you need this man out of your life and distanced from your son's as soon as you can manage it.

That might feel very hard and be very difficult but a year after it's done you will be a different woman and your boy will become a better man.
.

 

[Poingsettia]

Ok, that is really unfair of him. The horse is a part of your life. If he can’t accept that, as a caring partner, then he can’t love you “for better or worse”.
I have horses, my husband does not begrudge me the time spent with them, or the money. He knows they are my outlet when stressed, some me time. He has his interests, and it works well. We’ve been together over 30 years now, and rarely a harsh word spoken, as we appreciate our independance.

 

[Caol Ila]

You can do better, OP. My partner has always been supportive but in the past year, he’s gotten more involved and he’s steadily becoming a good horseman. There are good ones out there. One thing I’ve always kept in my head when I’ve had relationship drama (with other people), is if I’m with this per, I’m not going to be able to find anyone who will actually treat me with love and respect.

 

[Astara92]

I always put the alternative view on this kind of thread.

But this time?

If what you have written is correct you need this man out of your life and distanced from your son's as soon as you can manage it.

That might feel very hard and be very difficult but a year after it's done you will be a different woman and your boy will become a better man.
.

Thank you so much for your kind reply!
All of what I have said is correct and that's why I feel so confused by it all because I know what I'm doing isn't wrong but he's making me believe that I'm in the wrong and that my life isn't normal because I have a time consuming hobby

 

[ycbm]

Thank you so much for your kind reply!
All of what I have said is correct and that's why I feel so confused by it all because I know what I'm doing isn't wrong but he's making me believe that I'm in the wrong and that my life isn't normal because I have a time consuming hobby

This is also not an expression I use often. You are being gaslighted.
.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

I’ll tell you straight as it’s how I would deal with it but I’d tell him no and if he pushes then it will be the horse that will stay and he will go. I NEVER choose the person making the demands and forcing the choice as it’s a power play.

Tell him if he wants to to have go because you having a hobby then not to let the door smack him on the way out but you are keeping the child and the house.

My partner used to try and control my life, me telling him to do one smartened him up, I had submitted for years then one day I just said no and returned to my hobbies, he tried again and I showed him the door, he soon realised his mistake and grovelled appropriately

 

[Upthecreek]

You can’t reason with the unreasonable. He is making no attempt to see things from your side or to try and reach a compromise that satisfies both of you. He will only be happy if you submit to his demands. For now…… and after this there will be something else he doesn’t like you doing. In years to come when your son asks why you and his dad aren’t together, you can be completely honest and tell him it’s because you refused to get rid of your horse. How pathetic does that make his dad sound?

 

[Christmascinnamoncookie]

Sounds exactly like my partner then! He also says how unhealthy is it and not normal for me to be up the farm all the time. Reckons that I'm an adult now and I can't just do my hobby all the time and I need to get a grip and get into the real world ??.

This is also not an expression I use often. You are being gaslighted.
.

Ha, she got in there before me! Absolutely this. I don’t think any hobby would suit him. He wants you at home, captive and only active when he’s there. I bet he’s mentioned having another child and how the horse simply wouldn’t fit because you know, he does sod all parenting so you have to. If that hasn’t ye5 been raised, let’s take bets on when it will be.

 

[Astara92]

Ha, she got in there before me! Absolutely this. I don’t think any hobby would suit him. He wants you at home, captive and only active when he’s there. I bet he’s mentioned having another child and how the horse simply wouldn’t fit because you know, he does sod all parenting so you have to. If that hasn’t ye5 been raised, let’s take bets on when it will be.

You are close! He has mentioned another child but I have firmly shut the conversation down!

 

[DabDab]

?he doesn't sound terribly mature OP.

People have all sorts of weird and wonderful relationships, and I really don't judge. But being able to have a grown-up conversation about your relationship is kind of a necessity. And for certain, those who make 'i want, I want' type demands tend to always find a fresh demand every time someone capitulates to them.

 

[COldNag]

Tell him to grow up and that you are entitled to a hobby as much as he is entitled to his. Although I definitely wouldn’t be with someone who tried to force me to do anything, no matter how long we had been together.

This.

 

[meleeka]

You are close! He has mentioned another child but I have firmly shut the conversation down!

Another child = Another padlock to the kitchen sink in his eyes.

Call his bluff. You can’t lose. Either he sees how unreasonable he’s being and stops trying to control you, or he leaves and you will be free of his control. Either way you will be better off.

 

[rextherobber]

I always put the alternative view on this kind of thread.

But this time?

If what you have written is correct you need this man out of your life and distanced from your son's as soon as you can manage it.

That might feel very hard and be very difficult but a year after it's done you will be a different woman and your boy will become a better man.
.

Absolutely this! I did it,so can you..

 

[SO1]

Question for him. How would family life improve if you did not have the horse?

Do you enjoy his company?

I think perhaps you can say you are sorry that something that makes you happy is making him so sad. You want to save the relationship but would he consider some counselling to address his feelings towards the horse. The horse is not a child.

Relationships are about compromise. I wonder if he is having a mental health problem. Is there anything else that has changed about him recently? Is his business under strain.

Does he seem loving towards you?

I would not have another child a friend of mine did this to try and save her marriage. Her husband walked out thinking she would beg him to come back. She didn't, he accuses her of being a feminist.

How many years have you been together?

Financially would you be able to keep the horse if you did split up?

 

[FestiveG]

And if you were to have a second child, then there would be the suggestion that you should give up work, as it would not be cost effective to have child care for two, and then you are dependent on him!

 

[GrassChop]

I don't see what his issue is if you are home when he is and spending time with your family like normal. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

[The Xmas Furry]

OP, it's now the 'quiet' season for motorbikes apart from the last meetings on the WSB and Moto Gp circuits, my DH is now fettling ours in prep for next years racing. Neither of us road ride any more.
Does your DH service his? If not, he is realising that he's not got an interest outside work and you for the next few months till his season starts.

I've read my DH a good number of the comments on here, he kept very quiet...... his response is to say that you really need to talk to this man, he's obviously stewing on things far too much. He sees your hobby as a huge threat to him tho this is irrational but it needs pointing out to him calmly and rationally. If you feel he cannot exist with you having a horse, then he needs to examine his whole reason for being in a relationship with you. DH asks if your horse impinges on any possible financial part of your relationship? If not, again you need to mention this to him as its non impacting.
Finally, he says that maybe your DH ought to have a mini break to give both of you breathing space.

Hope you can sort things out x

 

[Astara92]

Question for him. How would family life improve if you did not have the horse?

Do you enjoy his company?

I think perhaps you can say you are sorry that something that makes you happy is making him so sad. You want to save the relationship but would he consider some counselling to address his feelings towards the horse. The horse is not a child.

Relationships are about compromise. I wonder if he is having a mental health problem. Is there anything else that has changed about him recently? Is his business under strain.

Does he seem loving towards you?

I would not have another child a friend of mine did this to try and save her marriage. Her husband walked out thinking she would beg him to come back. She didn't, he accuses her of being a feminist.

How many years have you been together?

Financially would you be able to keep the horse if you did split up?

To answer your questions..
He thinks by me not having the horse would make our relationship better.
I do enjoy his company but also like so have my own time and space.
We have been together 8 years.
Unfortunately he has a bit of a substance abuse problem and he thinks by me being up the stables I'm not being there and supporting him even tho I have tried in many ways over the years to help and support him I even gave up my job to work with him and he still continued to do it. I just feel like he's blaming the horse for all of his problems.