How do I word it... is it justified... is it just a rant?

[scats]

I’m afraid I’d have sent them packing a long time ago, mental health problems or not.
Tell them it’s not working anymore and you need them to leave.

I’m filling stables at the moment on our yard and I’m worried I’m being too fussy about who we have… but this has been a reminder of why I’m that fussy!

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

I wouldn’t make up an excuse about sheep - if you give reasons std can counter them or come up with plans/ideas etc. If you are saying no to something someone wants, you don’t need them to agree with you! Or give a reason at all really. You just need to be a broken record: ‘we no longer want liveries so are giving notice as per contract… you will need to have vacated the yard by xxxx Any items left behind after that date will be disposed of. ‘

If she asks why say ‘because we no longer want liveries’ and repeat

Absolutely this above.

DB, please do it, today.
Lock up your stuff so she cannot access even a hoof pick.
Allocate her fodder to last the month and put in adjacent stable.

 

[ycbm]

The sheep are a terrible excuse. She certainly won't leave until they arrive unless you force her. And if the sheep arrive before she's gone you will probably find her horse and your sheep out in the field with your hay when she thinks there's not enough grass.

As AE says, you want the place to yourself as a private house. Repeat every time she objects. Over and over, no other conversation.

Do not pass Go.
Do not collect £200.
Go directly to "LEAVE".

And tell her today she's to be gone by the end of July. And if she disappears, issue an abandonment notice.

 

[AmyMay]

The sheep are a terrible excuse. She certainly won't leave until they arrive unless you force her. And if the sheep arrive before she's gone you will probably find her horse and your sheep out in the field with your hay when she thinks there's not enough grass.

As AE says, you want the place to yourself as a private house. Repeat every time she objects. Over and over, no other conversation.

Do not pass Go.
Do not collect £200.
Go directly to "LEAVE".

And tell her today she's to be gone by the end of July. And if she disappears, issue an abandonment notice.

 

[Ambers Echo]

I’m usually very keen to maintain positive relationships with former YOs and other liveries - the horse world being a small place. But in this instance rock solid boundaries, politely but strictly enforced, are the only way to go. She’s obviously got a hide like a rhino and you need to offer zero wiggle room or flexibility or she will exploit it. Accept the friendship/relationship unlikely to survive but frankly I can’t see why that’s a particularly bad thing in this instance.

 

[webble]

I got to point 1 and wondered how they were still on your yard. None of that is ok ask them to leave

 

[cauda equina]

Good luck DB!

And remember that we're all expecting a positive update and won't accept anything else!

 

[Goldie's mum]

I wouldn't say "because you did this", "because you broke that rule" etc. It gives them a bargaining position. They are used to manipulating and using you (sorry but true) so it would be too easy to fall back into the roles where they promise to change & turn it into a negotiation.
Just say you're not having liveries any more, full stop.

 

[teacups]

I wouldn’t make up an excuse about sheep - if you give reasons std can counter them or come up with plans/ideas etc. If you are saying no to something someone wants, you don’t need them to agree with you! Or give a reason at all really. You just need to be a broken record: ‘we no longer want liveries so are giving notice as per contract… you will need to have vacated the yard by xxxx Any items left behind after that date will be disposed of. ‘

If she asks why say ‘because we no longer want liveries’ and repeat

I agree and with ycbm.

I am also someone who hates confrontation, and if you give her reasons it just means she can argue with those and you will potentially end up giving in - an extra couple of weeks, then another, etc etc.

Also don't make it personal as that will give her an opening to use tears and emotional blackmail, or give her friends reason to become nasty/'take revenge'.
Perhaps saying something along the lines that as she will have known for a while now you've wanted to stop being a livery yard, and especially with the new job coming up you will really need to be able to have a private space from now or as soon as possible. It's not her, it's you. Offer to refund any livery fees if she leaves earlier than end of July, to help with her costs. Lock up all your own stuff or it wíll go missing.

If she leaves and still has lots of stuff she (or a friend) keeps collecting as and when they fancy, you need lockable gates and a polite letter giving her another week to collect everything.

I'm another who was horrified by your list: at about 1/3 of the way through I wondered how there could be more!

Just to take one, the headcollar: if I needed to borrow a headcollar it would only be due to some unexpected event. I would apologise for it, and make sure it was back in the exact place it came from as soon as able. Why should you have to hunt around for your own headcollar? It is likely to take you 15 mins of searching and that is 15 mins of time you don't have. I am on a private yard and have a cheap spare headcollar or two 'just in case'. Also, you will absolutely lóve going to your stables and finding everything where you left it, and in order - or not: but then it's your choice : ) especially at the end of a working day.

ETA good luck! It's going to be hard but worth it

 

[Highmileagecob]

Good grief, you need your life back. No wonder you are having stress related issues. Is she likely to struggle to find somewhere else? I agree with Goldie's Mum above, you are not having liveries anymore, you need the stables for expanding the flock in the future, and you are sorry, but she will have to move out by the end of July.

 

[dorsetladette]

OMG she makes my bad livery look like an angel! and I even ended up selling the horse!!

So you have scaled back all liveries to just this one as you have felt sorry for her and on some level was/is a friend. Your about to change jobs/careers which usually requires taking a slight pay cut in order to get the experience required in a new area to then move to the pay grade you are aiming for. Insurance and rates etc of having a livery onsite is expensive. There is your get out clause if you really don't want to tell her she's being an a###.

along the lines of . . . .

'Hi xxx, as you know I've been training in xxxx for the last 18 months. I am about to move jobs and need to make some changes in order to afford this career move. unfortuantely your livery fee's just aren't going to cover the insurenace and rates to justify running the yard as a 'business' anymore. Insurance renewal is due on xxxx (make up a date - as other have suggested 31st July/1st august) so I/we (get husband involved too if needed for back up/united front) have decided not to renew the business side of the policy. Unfortunately this means I'm going to have to give you notice.'

Then hand her a letter confirming the date.

Job done!

 

[dominobrown]

I agree and with ybcm.

I am also someone who hates confrontation, and if you give her reasons it just means she can argue with those and you will potentially end up giving in - an extra couple of weeks, then another, etc etc.

Also don't make it personal as that will give her an opening to use tears and emotional blackmail, or give her friends reason to become nasty/'take revenge'.
Perhaps saying something along the lines that as she will have known for a while now you've wanted to stop being a livery yard, and especially with the new job coming up you will really need to be able to have a private space from now or as soon as possible. It's not her, it's you. Offer to refund any livery fees if she leaves earlier than end of July, to help with her costs.

If she leaves and still has lots of stuff she (or a friend) keeps collecting as and when they fancy, you need lockable gates and a polite letter giving her another week to collect everything.

I'm another who was horrified by your list: at about 1/3 of the way through I wondered how there could be more!

Just to take one, the headcollar: if I needed to borrow a headcollar it would only be due to some unexpected event. I would apologise for it, and make sure it was back in the exact place it came from as soon as able. Why should you have to hunt around for your own headcollar? It is likely to take you 15 mins of searching and that is 15 mins of time you don't have. I am on a private yard and have a cheap spare headcollar or two 'just in case'. Also, you will absolutely lóve going to your stables and finding everything where you left it, and in order - or not: but then it's your choice : ) especially at the end of a working day.

ETA good luck! It's going to be hard but worth it

Well that’s how I discovered they had been using my headcoller… when I couldn’t find it! I like to keep a headcoller outside every stable, I know it’s pedantic but it makes it easy to grab one and there is a fire or an event where I need to move the horses asap there is one there.
So actually using my headcoller then not putting it back!

When they arrived they had a good job etc and where a lovely person. Then followed a string of dodgy boyfriends, drama, lost job etc and are now on benefits.
I do worry as since they have lost their job and got another boyfriend (who likes to tell how many days sober they have been, unfortunately it’s always days not yet weeks), they keep „rescuing“ dogs etc I think I was the only saying that you can’t get anymore dogs in a council house, how would you pay the vets bills, you can barely afford a horse etc. I need to wash hands of it all as I think in a few years down the line it will be one of those horror stories.
Say no to drugs kids…

 

[Cortez]

Oh good lord: out! Immediately.

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I wouldn't even get into things about your job/insurance/rates OP. And I definitely wouldn't do it's me not you, when it is absolutely her! Nor is it unfortunate you are giving notice.

Keep it polite and short and simple. If she's going to be an arse about it, she'll be an arse, and getting into anything extra just gives her more to play with.

 

[Equi]

Basically if I tell them to leave I can see them and their family accusing me of purposely causing a mental health break down.
If I go in all guns blazing I think it will cause more angst. I was thinking of just being formal and using the excuse that we are buying more sheeps do don’t have the space.

That’s not your responsibility. Tell them to leave and be done with them and block any and all contact from them and their followers.

 

[dominobrown]

That’s not your responsibility. Tell them to leave and be done with them and block any and all contact from them and their followers.

I have done more than enough to help I feel. The problem is I am not helping as my OH pointed out. To have no responsibility and always have a person to bale you out for your behaviour isn’t helping them or allowing them to have to change their behaviour or lifestyle, not get the wake up call or harsh reality of their actions.

 

[Sanversera]

Why are you putting up with this? Charge them for the stable with the bin bags in and charge them for services like holding the horse and tidying up after them,ban their dog from the yard. Or just ask them to leave.

 

[Gloi]

I'm very laid back but I wouldn't put up with any of this. Bye bye person

 

[Welly Boot]

The lack of respect is enough for me. Give her notice and just say you're not having liveries anymore. It's not just one thing but a snowball of irritants and far more than just a niggle.

 

[Equi]

I have done more than enough to help I feel. The problem is I am not helping as my OH pointed out. To have no responsibility and always have a person to bale you out for your behaviour isn’t helping them or allowing them to have to change their behaviour or lifestyle, not get the wake up call or harsh reality of their actions.

Exactly. Actions (or lack of) have consequences. She can’t just breeze through life.

 

[Goldie's mum]

Just to add, you need to be physically prepared for leaving day. I'd lock up your own stuff now, in case one of their dodgy friends decides they're "owed" some compensation to take with them when they leave, especially as it sounds like they're there during the day while you're working (?). Have padlocks ready so you can close off the whole place on the day their notice runs out.

To emphasise - you don't need an excuse! The more you say the more they have something to get their finger nails under to pick, pick, pick at & start manipulating you again. If you're still feeling you need pretend sheep/pretend insurance problems etc you haven't got the hang of it yet & mentally they still have the upper hand of you! (sorry).

 

[mini-eventer]

Basically if I tell them to leave I can see them and their family accusing me of purposely causing a mental health break down.
If I go in all guns blazing I think it will cause more angst. I was thinking of just being formal and using the excuse that we are buying more sheeps do don’t have the space.

"I am sorry if this is effecting your mental health, but the situation is effecting my mental health now and it need to end"

 

[Ambers Echo]

Just to add, you need to be physically prepared for leaving day. I'd lock up your own stuff now, in case one of their dodgy friends decides they're "owed" some compensation to take with them when they leave, especially as it sounds like they're there during the day while you're working (?). Have padlocks ready so you can close off the whole place on the day their notice runs out.

To emphasise - you don't need an excuse! The more you say the more they have something to get their finger nails under to pick, pick, pick at & start manipulating you again. If you're still feeling you need pretend sheep/pretend insurance problems etc you haven't got the hang of it yet & mentally they still have the upper hand of you! (sorry).

This!!! Just don;t invent reasons. No-one can argue with the truth. I don;t want liveries because I don;t want liveruies becausew i don;t want liveries.

But,,,, but ....

"Sorry I no longer want liveries"

Why, what if I,,.,

'No sorry, I no longer want liveries.

And repeat as needed.

 

[I'm Dun]

It has been years and lately they have had poor mental health. I have been more than understanding and helpful but I feel more and more taken advantage of.
I have had considerable challenge to my mental health, general health etc during this time and managed to carry on. I know we are all different but I feeling like if I „kick off“ I am going to be accused of being inconsiderate of their health. I don’t wish that on anyone but I am at my wits end here.

Tell them to go and ask for a test for ADHD. The dodgy boyfriend, chaos and mess, inability to stick to rules sounds like some people with uncontrolled ADHD.

But I also wouldn't have an issue asking them to leave, because its your home.

 

[teacups]

Well that’s how I discovered they had been using my headcoller… when I couldn’t find it! I like to keep a headcoller outside every stable, I know it’s pedantic but it makes it easy to grab one and there is a fire or an event where I need to move the horses asap there is one there.
So actually using my headcoller then not putting it back!

When they arrived they had a good job etc and where a lovely person. Then followed a string of dodgy boyfriends, drama, lost job etc and are now on benefits.
I do worry as since they have lost their job and got another boyfriend (who likes to tell how many days sober they have been, unfortunately it’s always days not yet weeks), they keep „rescuing“ dogs etc I think I was the only saying that you can’t get anymore dogs in a council house, how would you pay the vets bills, you can barely afford a horse etc. I need to wash hands of it all as I think in a few years down the line it will be one of those horror stories.
Say no to drugs kids…

Exactly that re the headcollar.

Yes I can see how it's all developed, slowly. You let a few things slide with the excuse that they're stressed or having a hard time...which is just called being a nice person, and with most people it will be just that, an odd few things. But with some others they just see it as permission to push the boundaries more and more. It sounds as though she now has quite a chaotic lifestyle, spiralling down, and even though your OH is right it will be hard for you to do this. There was someone a little bit like this at a livery yard I was at once. Alcohol, with her. You do need to do this for your own health, and you just have to hope it kicks her into action to do something. Only she can do that, not you. But poor horse : (

The 'it's not you, it's me and I need my private space' would not be to let her off the hook, it's to protect yourself and stop her from grabbing hold of anything to argue with. Remind her it's hard in winter to find anything but now is the easier time. I thought the insurance reason wasn't bad either: it gives a really good deadline, and is based on truth.
Have you thought about some security cameras btw? We have some we got when we had a bad neighbour at a previous house - battery operated ones (Arlo) so can be fixed in various places (within reach of Wifi).

 

[mini-eventer]

I would also give them a deadline for removing their stuff, and be strict or else they will keep coming back. In your notice they need to leave by x date. If they need to come to the yard after then it is by appointment only. Can you change the locks on your gate?

If it gets to x date and they still have stuff in your stable (very likely) I would text them and let them know you have a skip arriving in X days and any thing remaining will be removed into it. Your spare stable is required for sheep. - again if this is after their notice period they need to come at a pre agreed time. - Do not be flexible or it will go on for months

 

[HopOnTrot]

Sorry I no longer want liveries so I’m not renewing my yard insurance at the end of July so please take this as your one month notice.

Lock your belongings up and wave them off

 

[dominobrown]

Exactly that re the headcollar.

Yes I can see how it's all developed, slowly. You let a few things slide with the excuse that they're stressed or having a hard time...which is just called being a nice person, and with most people it will be just that, an odd few things. But with some others they just see it as permission to push the boundaries more and more. It sounds as though she now has quite a chaotic lifestyle, spiralling down, and even though your OH is right it will be hard for you to do this. There was someone a little bit like this at a livery yard I was at once. Alcohol, with her. You do need to do this for your own health, and you just have to hope it kicks her into action to do something. Only she can do that, not you. But poor horse : (

The 'it's not you, it's me and I need my private space' would not be to let her off the hook, it's to protect yourself and stop her from grabbing hold of anything to argue with. Remind her it's hard in winter to find anything but now is the easier time. I thought the insurance reason wasn't bad either: it gives a really good deadline, and is based on truth.
Have you thought about some security cameras btw? We have some we got when we had a bad neighbour at a previous house - battery operated ones (Arlo) so can be fixed in various places (within reach of Wifi).

Security cameras went up everywhere after their ex threatened to burn down the barn. It was also revealing to me after telling them that certain people couldn’t come to the yard the security cameras told a different story.

Yes it started slowly and got worse. Think you may be right about it a few things actually…

 

[mustardsmum]

Agree with ADHD possibility… however, you are not her carer or are responsible for her. I would politely say that you are closing to liveries from the end of the month, and she must have moved by this point. Back it up as a recorded delivery letter. Then on the day, if horse is still there, impound change locks on gates and tell her you will take legal advice re selling. I would even drive all her stuff to her home - or skip it. Edit To add: she took people onto yard who were not supposed to be there - can you use this as a breach of contract, in which case you could get her to leave immediately.

 

[ycbm]

Ummm, as someone with ADHD, it's no excuse whatsoever for any of this persons behaviour!
.