Husband hates me having a horse and wants rid!

[PurBee]

i agree, and also that 8 month old and young kids can go to the yard, but it does make it alot more difficult to do what 'you' want. It sounds abit like the OP doesnt want to take the kids?

Im not sure id really happy if i was left with 4 kids each and everyday and would also have concerns about the money impacts of full livery. Having 4 kids wouldnt be cheap

im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance, but from what she’s already said, when they split up, she was earning and looking after the kids herself. So she’s financially independent to look after them, house and have a horse hobby.

Also, i dont think dad is looking after the kids every day and night, just evenings when op goes to do her horse, from whats already been said.

 

[ycbm]

.

im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance, but from what she’s already said, when they split up, she was earning and looking after the kids herself. So she’s financially independent to look after them, house and have a horse hobby.

I don't read it that way. Horse arrived after husband was back paying half the bills, shortly followed by the baby. If she has to pay all the bills and pay babysitters the horse may have to go anyway we don't know.

 

[Circe2]

This thread makes me so sad. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m sad OP had another child with this man. Now she’s tied to him for even longer. A full time job, a house, holidays, four kids (including a baby) and a husband who acts like a toddler basically adds up to a superhuman feat to manage. Especially if the horse isn’t on full livery!

Realistically, the 17 year old should be out of your hair soon enough, although there will be university fees to pay (I imagine). Nobody’s going on holidays anytime soon, and to be honest, that sounds like the least of any sane human’s priorities right now. Buying abroad (in Europe) is about to get a lot more complicated as well, so if that’s something your husband wants to sort out on his own, he can be your guest. I would also get a sharer for the horse, maybe 3 days a week, and put the horse on part livery (that way, the sharer contributes to the part livery cost). It frees you up enough to stop your husband from whinging (one hopes - it might just be a control thing, in which case he’ll whinge anyway). He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10.

If it really is a control thing, which I worry it might be (because of the gym comment - sounds like he’s keen to have you barefoot + pregnant, but also financing his lifestyle), at least you know you have the resources to go your own way. Please just be true to yourself and don’t get guilted into anything - you sound like a really competent person, a massively high achiever, and someone with a crazy amount of energy to handle all of this. Don’t let him ruin that.

 

[Keira 8888]

Erm, you said yourself, in your first post, that the current situation isn't fair. Also, I don't see why he has to look after the kids? Who says? Are there no babysitters where you live? Is a 17 year old not old enough to cope? Can you not manage 2 or 3 evenings a week not seeing the horse (a sharer would help there)?

From my perspective, he had a hobby, it was going to the pub. Did you join his hobby? Did you insist he has to give it up? Why does he not go to the pub now? Was it so bad, to go to the pub with mates? Did he have to give up the pub so you could go to the gym every night? Was that because he had to look after the kids? Could the gym not have been straight from work, so home for 7, then he could go to the pub?

Also, you have told him to get a hobby himself. Is this supposed to be a home-based hobby, so he can also look after the kids?

I think relationships are about compromise, and I don't see any from you to him at this moment in time. I don't think he is behaving well either, seems there isn't much love or respect either way. I have concentrated on you because you are the only thing that you can change. You can't change him, only he can do that. To change to want things you want, he would need motivation. He is trying to change things, family holidays, time spent together, you don't seem motivated to do that. Stalemate.

The man is unhappy. You are unhappy (if posting on a forum is anything to go by). With 2 unhappy parents, I dare say your kids feel that. Are the kids important to you both? Who takes them to the various clubs etc? What are the kids' hobbies?

I think you need to talk. It sounds like marriage guidance would help with that. I can recommend it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night if you have communication and a relationship where he feels valued for doing it and he feels he has a say in the matter.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night, where he has no choice in this, where his past mistakes are waved at him, where he is not 'allowed,' and provision made for him, to go to the pub.

Marriage guidance will hep you to find some common goals. Or, it may show you that you have no common goals. Hopefully you can find some middle ground, and some love and respect for each other.

Yes. Totally agree with this

 

[Keira 8888]

This thread makes me so sad. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m sad OP had another child with this man. Now she’s tied to him for even longer. A full time job, a house, holidays, four kids (including a baby) and a husband who acts like a toddler basically adds up to a superhuman feat to manage. Especially if the horse isn’t on full livery!

Realistically, the 17 year old should be out of your hair soon enough, although there will be university fees to pay (I imagine). Nobody’s going on holidays anytime soon, and to be honest, that sounds like the least of any sane human’s priorities right now. Buying abroad (in Europe) is about to get a lot more complicated as well, so if that’s something your husband wants to sort out on his own, he can be your guest. I would also get a sharer for the horse, maybe 3 days a week, and put the horse on part livery (that way, the sharer contributes to the part livery cost). It frees you up enough to stop your husband from whinging (one hopes - it might just be a control thing, in which case he’ll whinge anyway). He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10.

If it really is a control thing, which I worry it might be (because of the gym comment - sounds like he’s keen to have you barefoot + pregnant, but also financing his lifestyle), at least you know you have the resources to go your own way. Please just be true to yourself and don’t get guilted into anything - you sound like a really competent person, a massively high achiever, and someone with a crazy amount of energy to handle all of this. Don’t let him ruin that.

This ???

 

[ycbm]

a husband who acts like a toddler

Is he acting like a toddler if she spends every evening at the stables and comes home at nine expecting the meal on the table (he cooks, she's already said, she's not a domestic slave) and the younger children bathed and in bed?

He definitely needs to get his own hobby though, although that’s pretty difficult with 3 kids at/under 10.

So how does this fit with him 'acting like a toddler' for being upset that after discussing it and explaining he wasn't happy with the idea, she went and got one of the most expensive, time consuming and out-of-home hobbies there is?
.

 

[ycbm]

We could do with some more information about how much time you spend with the horse and how much it would affect the family finances if you spent more money on full livery. Did you know you were pregnant when you bought the horse? The timing must have been close if she's 8 months and you bought him some time in 2019? I could completely understand your husband not wanting you to buy him at the time and being annoyed now if you knew there was another baby on the way.
.

 

[Starzaan]

I hate to say it, but I would bin him. There’s no way I would want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want me to be happy.

 

[teddypops]

We could do with some more information about how much time you spend with the horse and how much it would affect the family finances if you spent more money on full livery. Did you know you were pregnant when you bought the horse? The timing must have been close if she's 8 months and you bought him some time in 2019? I could completely understand your husband not wanting you to buy him at the time and being annoyed now if you knew there was another baby on the way.
.

Is it about the horse though? OP said he was the same about her going to the gym.

 

[ycbm]

We don't know how much time she spent at the gym either. I just don't think there's enough information here to condemn the husband, who has spent some years spending a lot of time in the pub, but has "made up for it in the last two years". And now, perhaps, find his reward for "making up for it" is to be left on his own with their kids for we don't know how much of his time out of work.

I have to say that if I was married to a man who told me that he did not want me to buy a horse and could rationally explain why, then I'd get rid of the husband or not buy the horse.

This bloke has had a new baby and horse ownership introduced at practically the same time, only one (presumably) by his choice. I think that's a big ask, myself.
.

 

[Pinkvboots]

Your husband sounds like a childish control freak I would seriously consider your future with this man.

 

[teddypops]

We don't know how much time she spent at the gym either. I just don't think there's enough information here to condemn the husband, who has spent some years spending a lot of time in the pub, but has "made up for it in the last two years". And now, perhaps, find his reward for "making up for it" is to be left on his own with their kids for we don't know how much of his time out of work.

I have to say that if I was married to a man who told me that he did not want me to buy a horse and could rationally explain why, then I'd get rid of the husband or not buy the horse.

This bloke has had a new baby and horse ownership introduced at practically the same time, only one (presumably) by his choice. I think that's a big ask, myself.
.

It doesn’t really matter though because she’s an adult and no husband should be deciding what his wife does. I’m assuming he agreed to the baby and it’s not his first. A compromise could be discussed and agreed to but not a straight ‘get rid of the horse’, ‘don’t go to the gym’. He wants the money spent on a holiday home, so it sounds to me like he wants everything his way.

 

[Circe2]

Is he acting like a toddler if she spends every evening at the stables and comes home at nine expecting the meal on the table (he cooks, she's already said, she's not a domestic slave) and the younger children bathed and in bed?




So how does this fit with him 'acting like a toddler' for being upset that after discussing it and explaining he wasn't happy with the idea, she went and got one of the most expensive, time consuming and out-of-home hobbies there is?
.

Personally I find anyone unwilling to compromise to act like a toddler - I get that he’s doing evening childcare, but I imagine she does a fair bit of childcare too (just not in the evenings). Realistically the 17 year old doesn’t need looking after, and she’s taking the baby with her to the yard - so he’s spending 3 hours most evenings looking after a 5 and 10 year old, which isn’t actually that bad, depending on how much she’s done with them during the day. He sounds like he’s completely unwilling to see beyond the fact that he’s stopped going to the pub and wants to go on pricy holidays/get a holiday house.

I’m not saying she’s making their lives easy by not having a sharer (she absolutely needs to get one), but he’s coming across as quite controlling by not being willing to work with her at all re finding what works for them both. If he was more flexible and supportive they could work out an evening rota that means she spends 3 evenings a week with her family, and he could choose to either be there during that time, or get an evening hobby too and let her have the kids. He just seems to be fixated on that the horse needs to go, and that’s no way to treat something your partner loves. I know that I wouldn’t be with my partner if he tried to force my hand like that. Thankfully I’ve got my horse, he’s got his motorcycles and gaming, and we make it work because we love one another and respect that we both need individual hobbies and space, and are much happier for it. That same respect and tolerance sorely seems to be lacking here. If he’s a pub sort of guy, could she not take over after she comes home from the yard, and he can go to the pub a bit with his mates (obviously we’re talking non-covid times here)?

 

[ycbm]

im sure op will return and fill in the blanks for us when she gets a chance,

It would appear not, even though she has been back on the forum recently. Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing. It feels like there have been a lot of those lately.
.

 

[PurBee]

It would appear not, even though she has been back on the forum recently. Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing. It feels like there have been a lot of those lately.
.

Perhaps she had a rant in the moment, just to offload, and then when questions came from us all about needing more info, it can easily feel a bit too personal and she didnt want to go down that road! Understandable, but no-one can give any advice on what we’d do, without knowing specifics.
I just hope our replies have given her enough perspective to find the solutions she needs to steady the rocky relationship boat.

 

[Tiddlypom]

It would appear not, even though she has been back on the forum recently. Another new user lobbing in a controversial first ever post and disappearing. It feels like there have been a lot of those lately.
.

OP has only posted on this thread and no other since joining very recently, and all the posts were on put up the same day, Sunday last.

But she was last logged in on the forum yesterday at 09.42.

Clippity clop.

 

[Winters100]

In all honesty anything which takes up a lot of time, whether it is a hobby or a business, takes a lot of goodwill and compromise from both parties. I don't think it matters whether the amount of time spent with the horse seems excessive to us, to her husband it is excessive, so that is his reality. This may be an unpopular opinion, but I have always found that if you treat your OH well and do not give them reason to complain about domestic issues, then how much time you are outside the house becomes immaterial to them. OP, if I were you I would try to have a good talk about how his life can be improved. Explain that you would be very upset to let the horse go, but be open to compromise. Also keep in mind that if you were at home taking care of the children while he spent the same amount of time and money on a different hobby what would you honestly feel about it? Try to manage your household as efficiently as possible so he always has a hot meal on the table at the right time and small tasks like ironing etc are all done before he asks. I find that I can do quite a lot of the cooking by preparing things in advance - a nice casserole can be prepared the night before and popped in the oven to be ready in time for his return, so why would he mind that I have been out all day at the office and / or horses. Every relationship is different, but I have to say that compared to mine you are asking quite a lot of him. I also earn my own money, so I know that it is sometimes difficult to juggle business, horses and managing a household, but with the right organisation it can be done. Good luck and I hope that you manage to sort this out.

 

[ycbm]

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I have always found that if you treat your OH well and do not give them reason to complain about domestic issues, then how much time you are outside the house becomes immaterial to them. ...... Try to manage your household as efficiently as possible so he always has a hot meal on the table at the right time and small tasks like ironing etc are all done before he asks. I find that I can do quite a lot of the cooking by preparing things in advance - a nice casserole can be prepared the night before and popped in the oven to be ready in time for his return, so why would he mind that I have been out all day at the office and / or horses.

I honestly read this and wondered what century you were in Winters. I do mean that affectionately, but I can't get my head around advice to have a hot meal on the table and my husband's ironing done before he asks, and I'm in my sixties.

With my OH it is of far more concern to him now much time I actively want to spend in his company than it ever was whether I had ironed his shirts, which in 42 years of marriage, I never have.

When I was working full time I had my own self imposed rules that I never rode the horse more than 2 work evenings out of five, was always home for lunch at weekends unless he was with me competing, never competed both days at weekends, and rarely competed two weekends in a row. Because I wanted to spend time doing other stuff with the man I chose to marry. He pre-dated the horse.

I used to watch the amount of time some other people spent with their horses and wonder why they were in a relationship at all, they saw their partner so little.
.

 

[ycbm]

In all honesty anything which takes up a lot of time, whether it is a hobby or a business, takes a lot of goodwill and compromise from both parties. I don't think it matters whether the amount of time spent with the horse seems excessive to us, to her husband it is excessive, so that is his reality. ......... Every relationship is different, but I have to say that compared to mine you are asking quite a lot of him.

Completely with you on these bits.

 

[zandp]

When this issue rears it's head in my relationship it's always because he's feeling unloved / forgotten about and not important in my life, it's not really the horse(s) but how he's feeling at the time about himself.

 

[Winters100]

I honestly read this and wondered what century you were in Winters. I do mean that affectionately, but I can't get my head around advice to have a hot meal on the table and my husband's ironing done before he asks, and I'm in my sixties.

.

Haha - yes I realised that some people would feel that, but for us it works, I think he knows that he is important to me because I do go the extra mile to make his life comfortable. Appreciate that managing things in this way is not for every couple, but I really don't remember when we last had an argument. I suppose it is easier for me as I work for myself so I can manage when I work. When I was building the business it would have been impossible to have horses and manage a household, so I had to have a break from riding. I think that the point is though that just because we have horses we cannot expect others to be happy if they are always second place, and whether it is doing a bit more to make someone comfortable at home, or having some sensible rules like yours about the amount of time spent with the horse, we have to accept that compromise only works if it comes from both parties.

 

[ycbm]

Haha - yes I realised that some people would feel that, but for us it works, I think he knows that he is important to me because I do go the extra mile to make his life comfortable. Appreciate that managing things in this way is not for every couple, but I really don't remember when we last had an argument. I suppose it is easier for me as I work for myself so I can manage when I work. When I was building the business it would have been impossible to have horses and manage a household, so I had to have a break from riding. I think that the point is though that just because we have horses we cannot expect others to be happy if they are always second place, and whether it is doing a bit more to make someone comfortable at home, or having some sensible rules like yours about the amount of time spent with the horse, we have to accept that compromise only works if it comes from both parties.

Absolutely agree.

 

[Circe2]

I suppose people do what works for them (although I’m not one to normally cook for my guy, and have never ironed one of his shirts!). Showing love and appreciation and spending time together is what probably really matters, and pulling your 50% of the weight in whichever manner the two of you split it. This relationship sounds rather dysfunctional in that regard - not much love, and a lot of bitterness.

I like the rule of 2 x days at the yard in the working week, plus one weekend day - that’s sort of how I structure things at the moment. I was doing 5 evenings a week at the yard before (until I got my lovely sharer), and it was really tiring. However, my partner didn’t mind - but that’s because we’ve been working from home together all year, he cooks all the meals from scratch (I do most of the cleaning), the little cat keeps him company, and everyone’s happy. If you threw in 3 kids (I’m going to discount the 17 year old here), i bet that 5 day routine would get very tricky very fast!

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

My OH actively encourages me not to have a warm meal on the table for him, he says I make too much mess ?. But I am the driver, I drive us from Surrey to York and back whenever we visit his parents and I’m also the “technology” fixer. He’s absolutely useless, doesn’t even know what an HDMI cable is. He couldn’t even work out how to change the time on the oven (I did point out all I did was Google the make). He also can’t work the timer on the central heating so that also falls to me.

I guess this thread highlights how important communication and compromise is in a relationship. Like YCBM I make a point of not riding every day, I don’t do comps/clinics more than one weekend day etc. I also do things like ask for his opinion on something to do with the horse so he feels involved, I asked him to come view yards with me last time we went to York (as we are expecting his next posting to be up there) and he loved it. He had a pro and con list, he knew without me even telling him what absolute must haves were (turnout) and the not so bothered.

 

[ycbm]

What's an HDMI cable ? ?

 

[PurBee]

What's an HDMI cable ? ?

Hay Done Monthly Instantly surely?
just plug into horse and no more having to feed the monster!
?

 

[Gloi]

Hay Done Monthly Instantly surely?
just plug into horse and no more having to feed the monster!
?

I fancy a His Dung to Midden Instantly connection

 

[ycbm]

Ah, thanks. I thought it was High Drama Mid Instruction cable, otherwise known as a lead rope?

 

[ycbm]

My OH actively encourages me not to have a warm meal on the table for him, he says I make too much mess ?. But I am the driver, I drive us from Surrey to York and back whenever we visit his parents and I’m also the “technology” fixer. He’s absolutely useless, doesn’t even know what an HDMI cable is. He couldn’t even work out how to change the time on the oven (I did point out all I did was Google the make). He also can’t work the timer on the central heating so that also falls to me.

I guess this thread highlights how important communication and compromise is in a relationship. Like YCBM I make a point of not riding every day, I don’t do comps/clinics more than one weekend day etc. I also do things like ask for his opinion on something to do with the horse so he feels involved, I asked him to come view yards with me last time we went to York (as we are expecting his next posting to be up there) and he loved it. He had a pro and con list, he knew without me even telling him what absolute must haves were (turnout) and the not so bothered.

I am loving your description of yourself and your OH, thinking of your lovely photo you posted recently of a tiny, petite, "fragile" female with a rough tough uniformed Army man. It's even better now I know he doesn't know how to control the central heating
.

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

I am loving your description of yourself and your OH, thinking of your lovely photo you posted recently of a tiny, petite, "fragile" female with a rough tough uniformed Army man. It's even better now I know he doesn't know how to control the central heating
.

And yet I could tackle him to the ground with one pinky. Never underestimate a small hungry female.

We also sound completely different. Him with his gruff strong North Yorkshire accent and me with my prim and proper Surrey accent ?