Husband hates me having a horse and wants rid!

[millikins]

Not much to add to the above points except after 7+ years together, if you were going to have a holiday home abroad it would have happened by now, the horse has nothing to do with it.
The relationship I had with my daughter's father was controlling and abusive. He had a dog when we met but she died (old age). After about a year I decided I was getting another, he did agree but it was me pushing it because I wanted something that was mine. It was the start of me reasserting my independence, I very much wanted the dog but she was also symbolic and the relationship ended a year later.
I'm not saying your reasons for buying the horse are the same but if you get rid of him you will be bitterly resentful I imagine. As for compromises, could you find a sharer a couple of days a week, reduce costs and allow more family time?

 

[Sandstone1]

Thing is horses are pretty much a way of life not just a hobby. With four children and a husband not behind you its going to be difficult for you.

 

[Ownedby4horses]

I’m afraid only you can make the decision, we are just a bunch of (great) strangers on a forum.

From an outside perspective, it sounds initially like very controlling behaviour but I suspect there is a lot more to it if we were able to hear hubby’s side to it.

I used to have a livery who had two children and a new husband, she worked very long hours and worked away a lot in the week. every minute of spare time she would be at my yard, including all day Saturday and all day sunday. She even brought down magazines to read in the tack room and her lunch, hubby was left to look after the kids and he worked full time too, it worked for them but how I don’t know, as she never seemed to see them or be at home.

 

[Red-1]

He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy. Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

Am I being unreasonable?

Erm, you said yourself, in your first post, that the current situation isn't fair. Also, I don't see why he has to look after the kids? Who says? Are there no babysitters where you live? Is a 17 year old not old enough to cope? Can you not manage 2 or 3 evenings a week not seeing the horse (a sharer would help there)?

From my perspective, he had a hobby, it was going to the pub. Did you join his hobby? Did you insist he has to give it up? Why does he not go to the pub now? Was it so bad, to go to the pub with mates? Did he have to give up the pub so you could go to the gym every night? Was that because he had to look after the kids? Could the gym not have been straight from work, so home for 7, then he could go to the pub?

Also, you have told him to get a hobby himself. Is this supposed to be a home-based hobby, so he can also look after the kids?

I think relationships are about compromise, and I don't see any from you to him at this moment in time. I don't think he is behaving well either, seems there isn't much love or respect either way. I have concentrated on you because you are the only thing that you can change. You can't change him, only he can do that. To change to want things you want, he would need motivation. He is trying to change things, family holidays, time spent together, you don't seem motivated to do that. Stalemate.

The man is unhappy. You are unhappy (if posting on a forum is anything to go by). With 2 unhappy parents, I dare say your kids feel that. Are the kids important to you both? Who takes them to the various clubs etc? What are the kids' hobbies?

I think you need to talk. It sounds like marriage guidance would help with that. I can recommend it.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night if you have communication and a relationship where he feels valued for doing it and he feels he has a say in the matter.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect him to stay at home every night, where he has no choice in this, where his past mistakes are waved at him, where he is not 'allowed,' and provision made for him, to go to the pub.

Marriage guidance will hep you to find some common goals. Or, it may show you that you have no common goals. Hopefully you can find some middle ground, and some love and respect for each other.

 

[milliepops]

impossible to make a judgement either way from the info given so far but I think red sums up a good balance of where I am personally. I think ycbm's question is also relevant. I have a friend who would spend 5 min at the yard in the evening, just to see her horse's head over the door and was then summoned back home, on the other hand, I can spend hours with the horses without OH even noticing I'm not there, so the length of time spent each night is relevant too.

I do think horses are a very difficult hobby to slot into a relationship with someone that doesn't "get it". I've been given the ultimatum before and picked the horse, but that was not a committed long term relationship with children to complicate the issue, so I don't think its as simple as just give the man the boot. so much depends on the rest of the relationship and plans for the future.

It makes me feel very lucky to have a horsey husband who -although he doesn't ride now, really understands the time commitment and fills his time happily with his own stuff. we also have no other dependents

 

[shamrock2021]

To be honest growing up my brother and sister hated me having a horse and nothing really changed that even as adults . They just wasn’t into horse and they ware not big animal lovers. So they could not understand why spend so much money or time on horse. So people don’t understand the whole horse thing and nothing can change that. To be honest maybe try full livery. He does sound very controlling to me though.

 

[Kat]

It is difficult from your posts to know exactly what is going on but he sounds controlling and the relationship sounds unhealthy. Are you genuinely happier back together?

 

[Goldenstar]

In these situations ask your self is it the horse or if there was no horse would be something else .

 

[AUB]

Could a sharer be a compromise? I, too, have both horse, husband, child (hopefully more one day) and a fulltime job. And I totally get that it’s not that great to be with someone that goes to the yard 3 hours EVERY evening and leaves you alone with x children.

I’ve found a very sweet girl who’s at university and neither has time nor money for a horse of her own. At the same time I can only go in the evening because of work, so in the winter I can’t hack out much.
She hacks my mare twice weekly and then I normally also give the horse a day off most weeks. That gives me 3 evenings where I’m home with the family all evening and we can spend time together. That makes the 4 days I go to the yard more acceptable.

 

[luckyoldme]

I can see his pov to be honest.
I can only speak for how it works in my own relationship..but here goes.
The big things need to be agreed on or a compromise found.
The op said her husband didn't want a horse . But she got one anyways..meaning that every night he is responsible for childcare. How wouldn't this lead to resentment?
I know my opinion will be hugely unpopular on this thread but It's fair to say that most folk on here would lean towards the horse rather than the husband !

 

[teddypops]

I can see his pov to be honest.
I can only speak for how it works in my own relationship..but here goes.
The big things need to be agreed on or a compromise found.
The op said her husband didn't want a horse . But she got one anyways..meaning that every night he is responsible for childcare. How wouldn't this lead to resentment?
I know my opinion will be hugely unpopular on this thread but It's fair to say that most folk on here would lean towards the horse rather than the husband !

I agree re compromise but she said husband wants her to get rid of horse completely, no mention of cutting down the time she spends with horse. That’s not compromise to me, that’s trying to control.

 

[honetpot]

And I totally get that it’s not that great to be with someone that goes to the yard 3 hours EVERY evening and leaves you alone with x children.

This makes me smile so much. Usually it's the women who gets left alone with the children, usually for a lot more than three hours. I used to take the children out of his way for the weekend, just so he could be alone, so if I spent every day with the horse I think it's a good deal.
My tactic is if he wants me at home make work, or go out to work, and then he gets to look after them, and then he can not complain. My husband is a very good dad, but on his terms and in small doses.

 

[AmyMay]

deleted

 

[brighteyes]

Did he want you as a house-keeper and babysitter? How long have you been together/married and is the horse a new idea or have you always done horse stuff, just not had your own? How are you managing the baby in all this?

I can imagine he IS a bit put out, selfishly, but then in my experience, men often seem to be resentful of things that take up time which might otherwise be useful to or spent on them - particularly the extensive amounts that horses do.

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

it’s a fine balance between not needing permission from your OH but having their blessing sure comes in handy with something like a horse that is such a huge commitment. My OH knows how miserable I am without a horse and he also knows what a sacrifice being an Army “WAG” is. Uprooting my life every few years has its ups and downs and having the horsey world to rely on to make friends and have a purpose outside of work no matter where in the country means it’s a “burden” my OH is willing to carry ?

I think tbh this is a frank conversation you need to have eith your OH. What is it exactly he resents and how can you BOTH compromise to keep everyone happy.

 

[Gloi]

I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?

Yes, that would keep the husband occupied and give you more time with your horse. ?

 

[PurBee]

BatHorse said:
I would get rid.......of the husband

Or if that's not an option could you get a sharer to ride a couple of evenings a week for you?


Gloing in the dark:
Yes, that would keep the husband occupied and give you more time with your horse. ?


??

 

[SusieT]

It sounds like he wants you to be at home in the evenings and not doing anything?
I think it is important that at least one parent is home every evening - can you agree you will be out e.g. 2 evenings a week each, in 1 evening together + weekend evenings and out 1 weekend day, the other one is for family time?
Depends how long doing the horse takes- e..g 20min of an eve if close by to muck out/put in might be easily done, but two hours every evening is hard to justify when you have 4 kids i'd say.
It sounds like there is more to the problems than the husband. If you were on your own with four kids would you keep the horse? in which case- keep it.
Also - there is a point about family holidays - you do need to be not using all the family income on the horse unless you are able to comfortably give the kids what they need and holidays dont put you into debt etc.

It is a tricky one, but sounds like compromise is needed and maybe relationship is the problem not the horse?

 

[smolmaus]

No it wasn’t a condition. It was something I just wanted to do for myself. Before I got my horse I use to go to the gym everyday and he hated that too.
im trying to find a solution...and that is to go on full livery and then he complains about the money......which he doesn’t pay for!

This bit sticks out for me. It's the obvious solution to what he says the issue is but he still has a problem with it.

I think you need to lay out the consequences of you doing exactly what he wants and getting rid of the horse. Resentment, feeling punished, under valued, like YOUR money isn't actually your money because he's telling you what to do with it, like you aren't allowed your own life. I'm spitballing here from imagining what I would feel in that situation obviously but it sounds like he needs it spelled out to him that getting rid of the horse isn't going to be consequence free. You can't wave a wand and undo the whole thing.

It sounds like he wasn't fully briefed of the consequences going in either (RE: time and money) which you should probably take some responsibility for, but the situation is what it is now.

I'd recommend spending this years holiday money on a therapist though really. Its not going to be an easy conversation for either of you.

 

[Tiddlypom]

I feel most sorry for the children in all of this.

 

[Ish2020]

it sounds like he has a problem with you spending your own money on your horse or in general by the sounds of it . He also sounds like he has a addiction to drink which would make sense . People who have that problem are actually very selfish and would spend the whole family earning on drink. My grandad had that addiction and my mam grow up with nothing as a result spending 7 days in the pub is not normal. He also sounds very controlling I think you need to think about this relationship leaving the horse out of this. You buying the horse might be showing the problem in your relationship.

 

[ponyparty]

Hmm... I think there's a big difference between having horses as a hobby (or the gym, as OP says was her previous hobby), and going to the pub 7 nights a week (presumably getting drunk - which is not good for your health, or a good role model for children, and potentially actually quite damaging).
It does sound to me, from what you've said, OP, as though he will have a problem with whatever hobby you choose; but also agree with other posters that owning a horse is all-consuming, so without knowing full details (how long you spend at the yard/how many nights/weekend days per week etc) then it's hard to pass judgement.
Is your horse on full livery? Are you on maternity leave? What will happen when you go back to work if so?
I found it difficult enough with just one baby and horse and supportive OH (although granted I did have a run of terrible luck, including a badly broken hand which made everything 10 times more difficult!) so I can't imagine 4 kids plus horse! I've now just picked up part-loaning again, 3 days per week, and that's plenty - my son has just turned 2.

 

[brighteyes]

I feel most sorry for the children in all of this.

So do I. Stuck at home with Mr Miseryguts. She should buy them all ponies!

 

[Cloball]

To me it sounds like compromise is not an option ...if you've already said full livery was turned down as it cost too much and the gym was too much (though that can't be more than an hour/hour and a half in the evenings max!)

 

[ponyparty]

Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.

 

[Cloball]

Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.

I think because he wants a holiday home.

I think he has an idea of how he wants his life (holiday home etc.) and you having a different dreams doesn't fit into it.

 

[ycbm]

Ah I missed that full livery was turned down. But if OP is the one paying for it, how can he turn it down?! Nowt to do with him, provided it's not decimating her finances.

Maybe she used to pay a half share of family luxuries/better holidays/newer cars/meals out and that goes out of the window if the horse goes full livery, if it hasn't already?

We simply aren't getting enough information to make a judgement here. The first bit being the question Sarah doesn't seem to want to answer, how long she is spending with the horse.

I certainly don't feel able with the detail that we have so far to judge a man who got his shit together after having what sounds like an alcohol dependency, recovered his relationship with his wife and kids, has four children, one still a baby, who had a discussion about horse ownership where he made it clear he was uncomfortable, but the horse was bought anyway.

 

[milliepops]

The OP hasn't been on the forum since last night.

 

[ponyparty]

Yep, we just don't have all the information. I know how it sounds to me, but I'm filling in the blanks with assumptions which could be way off the mark.

ycbm that's a very good point, looking at it from the perspective of "he's turned his life around" rather than "he did xyz"...

Wonder if OP will be back

 

[Flyermc]

Maybe she used to pay a half share of family luxuries/better holidays/newer cars/meals out and that goes out of the window if the horse goes full livery, if it hasn't already?

We simply aren't getting enough information to make a judgement here. The first bit being the question Sarah doesn't seem to want to answer, how long she is spending with the horse.

I certainly don't feel able with the detail that we have so far to judge a man who got his shit together after having what sounds like an alcohol dependency, recovered his relationship with his wife and kids, has four children, one still a baby, who had a discussion about horse ownership where he made it clear he was uncomfortable, but the horse was bought anyway.

i agree, and also that 8 month old and young kids can go to the yard, but it does make it alot more difficult to do what 'you' want. It sounds abit like the OP doesnt want to take the kids?

Im not sure id really happy if i was left with 4 kids each and everyday and would also have concerns about the money impacts of full livery. Having 4 kids wouldnt be cheap