Husband hates me having a horse and wants rid!

[ycbm]

And yet I could tackle him to the ground with one pinky. Never underestimate a small hungry female.

We also sound completely different. Him with his gruff strong North Yorkshire accent and me with my prim and proper Surrey accent ?

What a pair you make, in every sense. Your wedding photo is just lovely. Sound would just top it off ?

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

What a pair you make, in every sense. Your wedding photo is just lovely. Sound would just top it off ?

Not married yet (although date set for 2022 covid dependent) that was his commissioning from RMA Sandhurst!

 

[ycbm]

Not married yet (although date set for 2022 covid dependent) that was his commissioning from RMA Sandhurst!

Sorry, mistook you being all dressed up for a wedding not his Officer commissioning. My Dad and brother were Navy/Dartmouth You look like such a lovely pair!

PS I think Mabel will get terrible sibling rivalry and need a new home when baby is born .......

 

[Abi90]

I have similar restriction to YCBM when hubby and I don’t live together (he’s army and I’m RAF). I only rode on weekday but not Friday and one day at weekends and would only compete twice a month.

Now that we live together, for now, He’s not fussed if I do what I want because, relatively, we have so much more time together. I have filled entire weekends with horse stuff, but that’s fine because we still see each other in the week. Once we are posted apart again, the restrictions will go back in place.

I too have a rough, Yorkshire army officer!

 

[Stacey_xo]

Get rid of the husband.

Seriously though, his issue clearly has nothing to do with your horse, I saw your comment where you said he wasn’t happy when you were going to the gym everyday either, presumably in the evenings too and he would have to watch the kids, it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else. I’d say if you want to stay together then you should both find a compromise, perhaps changing your schedules up so you can both fit in time looking after your family and doing things you both want to do, together and separately. Maybe you should take him with you to meet the horse one day and see you riding and see how happy it makes you, if he still doesn’t support you after that you should definitely reevaluate your relationship.

 

[ycbm]

it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else.

Did you miss the bit where she said he does the cooking?
.

 

[ycbm]

I have similar restriction to YCBM when hubby and I don’t live together (he’s army and I’m RAF). I only rode on weekday but not Friday and one day at weekends and would only compete twice a month.

Now that we live together, for now, He’s not fussed if I do what I want because, relatively, we have so much more time together. I have filled entire weekends with horse stuff, but that’s fine because we still see each other in the week. Once we are posted apart again, the restrictions will go back in place.

I too have a rough, Yorkshire army officer!

View attachment 62740

That's a complicated mix, partners serving in two different armed services! Lovely photo

 

[Winters100]

Get rid of the husband.

it just seems like he wants you home 24/7 to look after the house and kids and for him to do nothing else. .

Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse. Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.

 

[teddypops]

Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse. Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.

Telling her to get rid of the horse and not being happy with her going to the gym so he can spend their money on a holiday home isn’t asking for more help in my view.

 

[ycbm]

Telling her to get rid of the horse and not being happy with her going to the gym so he can spend their money on a holiday home isn’t asking for more help in my view.

Well, that would depend, for me, on what plans they jointly made when they first got back together, before both the baby and the horse. It's not clear whether the baby was planned at that point, but the horse certainly wasn't.

My life experience is that men often have an odd way of asking for help ?

 

[Abi90]

That's a complicated mix, partners serving in two different armed services! Lovely photo

Thank you

It can be difficult at times but has its bonuses. Like when he is away, so I have unrestricted horse time ?

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

I am sooooo fed up of my husband causing me grief and moaning over my horse. I bought him last year- he is my first horse and he came along after.

I pay for him and anything to do with him. I also pay for half of the bills on our house. He has to look after the kids whilst I go to my boy. Well.....yes....it’s not fair I spend less time at home in the evenings etc etc. However- I’ve told him to get a hobby himself....he won’t. He also caused so so so may problems in our relationship a couple of years ago and literally went to the pub every day for 7 years of our relationship. He has made up for this in the last two years I must say.

I absolutely do not want to get rid of my horse and refuse to. But I can’t keep having the same arguement all the time. The arguement tonight was that in selfish for spending so much money on something that’s for me when it should be for family holidays etc.

Am I being unreasonable?

Personally I wouldn’t let anyone dictate what I spend my money on. Hubby or not I’d be warning him he’s on thin ice and if he persisted he’d be going.

Dictating to people what to spend their money on is trying to control them, we all know what that can lead to.

 

[teddypops]

Well, that would depend, for me, on what plans they jointly made when they first got back together, before both the baby and the horse. It's not clear whether the baby was planned at that point, but the horse certainly wasn't.

My life experience is that men often have an odd way of asking for help ?

None of that is relevant, because to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!

 

[Equi]

OP i notice you have not responded to anyone on this thread or any other thread since Dec 27th despite being active on the forum. I can only hope you are okay and that this thread has not caused any issues to you. Let us know you are okay if you can.

 

[Winters100]

None of that is relevant, because to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!

But surely that is how relationships work - you each tell each other what you want, and what is not OK for you, and then you reach a compromise that you can both live with.

I think that if my OH took up a hobby that meant I had to stay home and babysit every single night I would probably also not be OK with it. He is asking for the horse to be sold, but actually if this was taken as an opening to a discussion about how it might work in a way that allowed OP to keep the horse and kept him happy as well then things would probably work much better than just saying 'no'. There have been many sensible suggestions here, for example a sharer, but really I don't think anyone would be happy left at home night after night in this way.

 

[teddypops]

But surely that is how relationships work - you each tell each other what you want, and what is not OK for you, and then you reach a compromise that you can both live with.

I think that if my OH took up a hobby that meant I had to stay home and babysit every single night I would probably also not be OK with it. He is asking for the horse to be sold, but actually if this was taken as an opening to a discussion about how it might work in a way that allowed OP to keep the horse and kept him happy as well then things would probably work much better than just saying 'no'. There have been many sensible suggestions here, for example a sharer, but really I don't think anyone would be happy left at home night after night in this way.

No I don’t think relationships are about one partner being in control and telling the other what they can and can’t do. Compromise yes, and yes there have been lots of posts on here re compromise such as putting the horse on full livery but he doesn’t want that. He wants rid of the horse. Not so much of a compromise really! I also don’t think a parent is ‘babysitting’ their own children. They are looking after them because they choose to have them. I can understand the husband not being happy about being left with his kids every night when his wife goes out for a jolly, that’s where there has to be a compromise as I have already stated in several of my replies, but not a straight ‘get rid of the horse’ or ‘don’t go to the gym’.

 

[ycbm]

None of that is relevant, because to me because no husband should ever be telling his wife what she can and can’t do!

Well we only have her word for it that is how he expressed it as opposed to how she interpreted it. And as I said above it's my experience of over 42 years of marriage that men can have some very strange ways of asking for help.

 

[teddypops]

Well we only have her word for it that is how he expressed it as opposed to how she interpreted it. And as I said above is my experience of over 42 years of marriage that men can have some very strange ways of asking for help.

Yes we do, and that’s the info I’m going on. Not sure why it’s relevant but I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years.

 

[ycbm]

My husband asked me 25 years ago 'if it was me or the horses which would you choose? '.

Should I have said "the horses" and signed the divorce papers? Or tried to work out what his issues were and found a compromise?

.

 

[teddypops]

Mu husband asked me 25 years ago 'if it was me or the horses which would you choose? '.

Should I have said "the horses" and signed the divorce papers? Or tried to work out what his issues were and found a compromise?

.

My husband would never ask me that, just as I would never ask him to get rid of his cars/ bikes/ motorbikes. He actually bought most of my ponies for me.

 

[ycbm]

My husband would never ask me that, just as I would never ask him to get rid of his cars/ bikes/ motorbikes.

My husband's is a lovely, supportive, valuable human being who was temporarily feeling fragile.

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?

 

[teddypops]

My husband's is a lovely, supportive, valuable human being who was temporarily feeling fragile.

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?

Anyone can, but not by trying to control their partner.

 

[ycbm]

Anyone can, but not by trying to control their partner.

There are two sides to every story.....

 

[smolmaus]

There are two sides to every story.....

Seeing as we only have the OPs side, which is kinda unreliable anyway as this seemed like a more of a vent thread than anything, trying to see it from her husbands POV is just making stuff up completely. It's basically all hypotheticals at this point.

We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!

 

[teddypops]

There are two sides to every story.....

Yes there is but we don’t have the other side, so people give their opinion on the info available. Same as pretty much every post on here.

 

[ycbm]

trying to see it from the husband's POV is just making stuff up completely. It's basically all hypotheticals at this point.

Yes there is but we don’t have the other side, so people give their opinion on the info available. Same as pretty much every post on here.

Not entirely, we have a number of facts. There are quite a few dissenting voices if you count back, it's not every post.

But the majority seem to interpret the same info - that he gave up his own hobby of being in the pub, (and quite possibly conquered the illness of an alcohol addiction), which he has "more than made up for" - that the subject of horse ownership was discussed and his concerns were ignored - that a new baby was added to the mix at the same time as the new horse - very differently than some of us do.

I didn't want to comment until we had enough facts but the OP isn't going to give them, as is her right. But on the facts we have, I certainly couldn't advise her to leave her husband.

We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!

Well that's true. And being a forum with a big female bias, it does tend to be a bit skewed in its views.
.

 

[milliepops]

Seeing as we only have the OPs side, which is kinda unreliable anyway as this seemed like a more of a vent thread than anything, trying to see it from her husbands POV is just making stuff up completely. It's basically all hypotheticals at this point.

We're all just projecting our own experiences with either supportive or controlling partners onto a vague and badly explained situation!

agreed! considering the OP hasn't been back since the day the thread started some people are extrapolating quite a bit.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

My husband's is a lovely, supportive, valuable human being who was temporarily feeling fragile.

Are only wives allowed to doubt themselves or need reassurance?

My partner asked me that question years ago and I told him if he was delivering ultimatums and making me choose then the choice wouldn’t be in his favour. If someone is asking you to choose then I don’t believe they are the person for you. Discussions are one thing, ultimatums and dictating what people spend their money on is completely different.

That was 17yrs ago. He fishes, goes on holiday doing that, I go on holiday with him and I also travel for my other sport and with my friends. I don’t tell him what to do with his money and he doesn’t do it with mine. I am a very independent person who won’t be controlled, he gets that and appreciates that I won’t ask him to be tied down anymore than myself. I am perfectly willing to be alone rather than have someone try to tell me what to do and when.

 

[Stacey_xo]

Interesting view, but I don't see it this way. My understanding is that both work, and he does the cooking and takes care of the kids every night while she goes to the gym or the horse. Does not seem totally unreasonable that he would want a bit more help.

I see your point, however in one of her earlier replies she said she has the baby during the day, so whether she’s working from home or still on maternity currently she’s still doing all of the household chores during the day and looking after a baby, she wants some time to herself in the evenings to see her horse, perhaps it’s a little unfair for it to be every single day but he still shouldn’t be asking for her to get rid of the horse and trying to guilt her into doing so, guilting somebody is a huge manipulation red flag! If he wants help then they need to come to a compromise, however the author has already said he refuses to get a hobby himself and it’s mainly just about having the horse and the expense/time it takes, which she pays for and looks after.

 

[Stacey_xo]

Did you miss the bit where she said he does the cooking?
.

No but she looks after the baby during the day, and does the cleaning, and presumably does the school run, I’m assuming she is also working in order to be able to afford the horse, or at least on maternity leave. Is it too much for her to ask for some time to herself in the evenings? If he’s willing to compromise then fair enough, but the author has said it’s mainly about the money which he has no part in anyway.