Partner in denial re dog

[misst]

The other thing I just thought was does the dog represent some ties to the past? My son was very reluctant to face facts with his teenage terrier. She was aquired with his "first love" as "their dog" and even 12 years after they split (and a failed marriage with someone else!!) I still believe she was an emotional tie to that person in some way. It was truely the end of an era for him and a very emotional time. He is happy with someone else entirely now but I do think some of the denial was a holding on to the past, his new partner could see this and knew it was no reflection on her - more of a permenant closing of a door on the past. She was able to be a good support for him through this.

 

[Houndnothorse]

But actually it seems that where dogs are concerned (which he loves) you want to be the one that makes the decisions by offering an ultimatum.
.

No you are wrong here. We’ve agreed that down the line we will have another dog that suits both of us and also our life at the point. Isn’t that fair? If he didn’t already have a dog he would never get one now because his work life doesn’t suit having one. His words not mine. I haven’t issued any ultimatum.

 

[CorvusCorax]

Dogs can be a big tie. The years I've had without any (and even then, there were still family dogs) were a bit dull and empty for me personally and I hate not having one around, I have split from people who resented the time I spent with/on my own dogs, but I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.

 

[{97702}]

I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.

I would... it does IMO ??? But then I’m a speshul case ?

 

[JGC]

I agree about the quality of life calculator, plus if you do an image search for "signs of pain in dogs" you get some useful graphics and checklists that you could print off and go through together. It seems like his dog would put a tick against most of the lists.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Dogs can be a big tie. The years I've had without any (and even then, there were still family dogs) were a bit dull and empty for me personally and I hate not having one around, I have split from people who resented the time I spent with/on my own dogs, but I wouldn't judge anyone who wanted a few dog-free years. It doesn't mean you don't love dogs.

I understand that. My best friend Is the same! She had a dog that passed and she said no more and then got 2!
However our life really doesn’t suit a dog anymore. We both work away from home a lot (not me currently but hopefully soon)! We love to travel and take spontaneous trips. We plan to buy a little apartment abroad and fix it up and spend weekends and holidays there and so having pet just doesn’t work for the future. But I’m not naive I know he might change his mind and I’ll have to cross that bridge of it happens.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions. Will definitely do the quality of life calculator and signs of pain. He doesn’t moan like he’s in pain but he doesn’t do anything, just sleeps. I suppose he wouldn’t sleep if if was in tons of pain.

 

[Houndnothorse]

The other thing I just thought was does the dog represent some ties to the past? My son was very reluctant to face facts with his teenage terrier. She was aquired with his "first love" as "their dog" and even 12 years after they split (and a failed marriage with someone else!!) I still believe she was an emotional tie to that person in some way. It was truely the end of an era for him and a very emotional time. He is happy with someone else entirely now but I do think some of the denial was a holding on to the past, his new partner could see this and knew it was no reflection on her - more of a permenant closing of a door on the past. She was able to be a good support for him through this.

I don’t think so. He left his ex. I think he just loves the dog and didn’t have kids so all his love has gone to him.

 

[cobgoblin]

No you are wrong here. We’ve agreed that down the line we will have another dog that suits both of us and also our life at the point. Isn’t that fair? If he didn’t already have a dog he would never get one now because his work life doesn’t suit having one. His words not mine. I haven’t issued any ultimatum.

You just said that if he came home with a dog you would leave. You didn't say anything to mitigate that, not even that your relationship is the most important thing and that you would try to make it work with the dog. I get the feeling that it will never be convenient for you to have a dog even in the future.
People that love animals definitely do sometimes come home with an unexpected addition, often at the most inconvenient time and despite previous agreements.
.

 

[gallopingby]

I think there’s more to this than you’re admitting. Once a dog person always a dog person and even though you think you have control of the situation l wonder if you do? Ten years is a long time without a dog, sorry but in your situation l would be very careful and I would want to be very clear about future plans, you need to look after yourself.

 

[{97702}]

I do remember my ex saying I loved my dogs (which were there before he came along) more than I loved him.... so I said “yes I do” because that was factually correct. He either had to accept that or leave - he accepted it.

 

[Houndnothorse]

You just said that if he came home with a dog you would leave. You didn't say anything to mitigate that, not even that your relationship is the most important thing and that you would try to make it work with the dog. I get the feeling that it will never be convenient for you to have a dog even in the future.
People that love animals definitely do sometimes come home with an unexpected addition, often at the most inconvenient time and despite previous agreements.
.

I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it.
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.

 

[Rowreach]

I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it.
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.

I think some people are giving you an unnecessarily hard time here. You were completely upfront about not being a dog lover, yet you are the one being concerned about this dog’s (pretty awful) quality of life, unlike his owner who seems to be unable to accept that his time is nearly up.

I will repeat though, I don’t think your partner is being fair on either of you, and for that combined reason you need to address this with him. Honestly, if your relationship can’t stand that, is it strong enough to be building a future together?

 

[gallopingby]

I may not be experienced in relationships with animal lovers but I’ve had 2 long relationships and as far as I am concerned these sort of decisions are made together. I wouldn’t for instance book 2 weeks in Barbados (if only), and pay from our joint account without discussing it and that’s just a 2 week holiday. So him coming home with a Dog to be cared for for the next 12 or so years would be out of order. I know he wouldn’t it do it, and also even if he wanted to he knows because of work he couldn’t do it.
I know lots of animal lovers that for various reasons don’t have a pets. It’s possible to love animals but know they don’t necessarily fit in to your current situation. However I fully expect us to have a dog again one day and that’s fine.

Hmmm do you own any animals?

 

[AmyMay]

Hmmm do you own any animals?

Why on earth are you giving this woman a hard time? She’s trying to do the best for this dog. Whether she owns an animal/had owned an animal/wants to own an animal is completely immaterial. ???

 

[Rowreach]

Hmmm do you own any animals?

What on earth relevance does that have??

 

[{97702}]

Why on earth are you giving this woman a hard time? She’s trying to do the best for this dog. Whether she owns an animal/had owned an animal/wants to own an animal is completely immaterial. ???

I think other posters are picking up the same vibes as me, which is that the OP is pretty anti-dog. This isn’t the issue with the present dog, which clearly needs some immediate treatment and the owner to take responsibility, if other posters are anything like me they are wondering about the long term viability of a relationship between someone who is clearly a (rather misguided) dog lover and someone who isn’t.

I fully accept that is none of our business and not what the OP has apparently come on the forum to discuss, but as a forum of dog lovers anyone who is clearly not one is bound to attract some notice?

 

[Rowreach]

I think the OP comes across as pretty level headed, has had the conversation about future shared dog ownership, has a shared life plan with her partner, and is here today to discuss an immediate problem about a clearly suffering dog that she seems more concerned about than his owner does.

I'm not overly concerned about a dog that doesn't exist (it's parents probably don't either) that she may or may not own in 10 years' time.

 

[{97702}]

That is not the view I have gained of how the OP sees the current situation at all.

 

[Houndnothorse]

Hey, I fully expected to get a hard time, especially announcing myself as not a ‘dog person’! I wanted to be honest about that because I think it’s relevant to our current situation. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues.
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx

 

[ihatework]

I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues xx

No, No, No
Real animal lovers wouldn’t keep him alive at this point

 

[{97702}]

No, No, No
Real animal lovers wouldn’t keep him alive at this point

Amen to that..... ?

 

[CorvusCorax]

would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues.

Hard disagree. No dog of mine will ever be around when they can no longer clean themselves or get up without help.

 

[PapaverFollis]

I'm very much a dog person.

There's no way I'd be happy cleaning poop and pee from the house constantly.

There's no way I would be letting a doubly incontinent dog keep fighting on in the hopes he would die in his sleep.

 

[Clodagh]

deleted

 

[Cinnamontoast]

Can’t lie, I started to resent my dog, substitute child that he was, when I was constantly picking up poo and mopping up wee in the house. I think I probably let him go a few weeks too long, because honestly, how can you take your ‘child’ to the vet knowing he won’t come back? It half killed me and my OH. However, I looked at him on a walk, where he wasn’t able to work out how to go round a bush to get to me and rang the vet.

Please do the quality of life test posted. Show your partner. It’s not fair to keep them going and the idea of the poor creature being shoved in the garden for an hour at any time of the year is cruel. Mine would be devastated, they must be with the humans. It’s cruel to keep the dog going. Tell your partner that, bloody cruel.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I would let him read this thread and tell him he is being quite cruel keeping the dog alive, if that meant the end of the relationship then so be it, dog person or not no one wants to come home to crap and pee all over the floor and watch a poor animal suffer.

 

[{97702}]

A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry. It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now. The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him.

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient?

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one

 

[Clodagh]

A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry. It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now. The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him.

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient?

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one

It’s not all about you.

 

[Rowreach]

A couple of posters have asked why I and other posters are apparently giving the OP a “hard time” so I wanted to go away for a few minutes and properly reflect on that.

It’s because this sort of situation makes me incredibly bloody angry. It is NOT the fault of the poor dog that he is incontinent and unclean in the house now. The dog does not deserve (a) a life like this from an owner who won’t face up to his responsibilities and (b) being described as (words to the effect of) a smelly horrible inconvenience by someone who clearly cares nothing for him.

Yes (b) is my fluffy anthropomorphic side coming out, but the dog WILL know he is not liked/considered a nuisance/resented in the house and that is NOT fair - it has been his house for many years, should he be thrown out now because he is inconvenient?

Do the right thing for this poor dog ASAP and do not ever get another one

Lev, you may have missed the OP's recent post:

Hey, I fully expected to get a hard time, especially announcing myself as not a ‘dog person’! I wanted to be honest about that because I think it’s relevant to our current situation. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues.
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx

I think she knows that as a non dog lover she may be putting a different perspective on this situation, which is why she has (rather bravely) come on here for advice, about this current and very time critical situation.