Partner in denial re dog

Rowreach said:
Lev, you may have missed the OP's recent post:



I think she knows that as a non dog lover she may be putting a different perspective on this situation, which is why she has (rather bravely) come on here for advice, about this current and very time critical situation.
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I did miss this - I was reflecting. Hopefully the time critical situation will find a resolution....
 
Houndnothorse said:
. If I was a dog person would I be better equipped to handle this and would I agree that we should do everything to keep him alive despite all the issues[?]
i appreciate people taking the time to respond and also I also agree that we need to be clear about future animals but we have discussed this extensively and I have to trust in our commitment to that xx
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I read the first sentence quoted as a question, not a statement...

If you were a dog person you'd probably be better equipped to handle the conversation about PTS the poor dog, but you wouldn't agree to keep him alive despite everything.

You've been brave here, discussing your personal life as honestly (we presume! ?) as you seem to have.
 
I’m not sure how you can say the OP cares nothing for the dog. She came on here and was completely honest asking for help/advice and has had a hard time to be honest. He’s not her dog to just go and do what we all know needs to be done.

My OH is much more a cat person than a dog person. At one point we had 5 cats, are now down to just one. The right thing was done by the other 4 at the right time. The one we have left is an old man, and his time is coming. I know OH will find it incredibly hard as we will be unlikely to have another cat for a long time because of Luna, unless a completely dog savvy cat should come along.
 
OP...apologies, I take for granted that people who aren't dog people (and some people who are :() don't realise that a dog that has previously been clean in the house can find it extremely distressing when they're not. Also a previously active dog will not be able to understand why they can't get up and move around the way they used to, particularly a large, weightbearing breed.

Dogs in pain/stress will often sleep the clock round. It's a form of shutdown. There's literally nothing else for them to comfortably do.

I don't know if or how you can explain this to your OH. Especially as he's not the one cleaning up.
 
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Archangel said:
One has to ask what the hell the vet is playing at, there are enough red flags for that quality of life talk with the owner and well past the "well we could try this treatment, here we go, let us know how you get on" faffing about.
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But we don't know what the owner has said to the vet. The vet might have talked about quality of life and owner just asked if there is anything else that can be done. I did wonder if the talk about a biopsy for the Cushings could be the vet trying to be off-putting.
 
gallopingby said:
I think there’s more to this than you’re admitting. Once a dog person always a dog person and even though you think you have control of the situation l wonder if you do? Ten years is a long time without a dog, sorry but in your situation l would be very careful and I would want to be very clear about future plans, you need to look after yourself.
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Not entirely sure what you mean here? More such as?
I know lots of people that have had dogs and then either took a long break or just haven’t got another one. The reasons are varied but it happens. They still love dogs but their life circumstances or choices arent right for a pet or they had dogs when their kids were young and now they want to be freer. Anyway I understand what you’re saying and I’ve been very clear and he’s also been clear back- if he’s not being honest we have an issue but I’m going to assume this isn’t the case x
 
I think OP you've been brave to come on here. I've no experience of this sort of scenario but I'd suggest asking someone else like a close friend or family member to speak more bluntly than maybe you should? If you are force it then you might irrationally get blamed for it. From the sounds of it the vets should really make it clear but they could be seeing a money maker so won't say anything to suggest that
 
Im not a dog person either so can understand how you feel. I do however agree the dog is suffering and its "time."

Has he had animals pts before? Just wondering as met my OH when he was in his early 20's and he had never had it happen before so it hit him hard when his parents had to have one of their cats put down.

I've grown up with various animals rabbits/ guineas/ cats so since i was a child ive experienced the loss of pets.

For each and everyone ive shed many tears obviously some more than others (a very very special cat 2 years ago was particularly hard) However it has helped me as ive gotten older understand WHY it needs to happen. So while very upset at losing an animal, I've been able to understand it's putting them out of pain.

Ive never been able to cope with being there when it's done its always been my mum. Now me and OH have our own house and cats I know (hopefully a very long way in the future) at least one of us will have to take them.

Maybe he is hoping the dog dies in its sleep so he doesn't have to make that call?

My mum would always explain to me when having pets pts that "with humans we have to watch them suffer, with animals we can make this decision." I'm actually pro euthanasia for humans and if it becomes legal I would be writing down a list of conditions id want it for

Could you almost treat him like you would a child and say that he can make this decision for the dog but a human would have to keep going. Also because he loves the dog he could give it that last act of kindness

Also could you see if there's someone that could come to the house to do it maybe he's anxious about having to go to the surgery and everyone see him upset i know I'd be interested in them coming to my home? You could offer to phone and make the appointment as well if he would find that easier?
 
ester said:
Thanks DN, you are correct it certainly wasn't directed at anyone it was just a general observation which is why I didn't quote reply anyone. So no need for the guessing or the multiple eye rolls just yet Lev.
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Well that certainly wasn’t clear to me, so perhaps as you frequently point out to others you need to think about the wording of your posts to make them clearer?

And no need for the bitchy comments either Ester, they are insensitive and unnecessary
 
I've had to skip the last five pages so sorry if I'm about to repeat what others have said:

When you discuss it with your OH, do you do it from the "I can't live like this" perspective or do you talk about the dog's quality of life? Because your post focuses on the former and I don't think that will be as effective as the latter. I think you need to sit down with your OH and say you want have a serious conversation about the dog. Maybe say something like "I know how much X (dog) means to you and that you really adore him, but please just think about his quality of life. He's in so much pain and so unhappy - the kindest thing you can do is let him go with as much dignity as possible. However much we want there to be, there is no cure for old age and X is really suffering now". I think what your OH is doing is cruel but I suspect saying that outright won't be very effective.
 
OP
I feel for you .
Please disregard some of the harsher comments .
You sound a kind person who does not quite get why this otherwise intelligent person who you love can’t see what you see .
I am going to try to give you a path that you might follow I would if I where you try not to mention the dog for three weeks grin and do what needs doing .
then sit him down and hold his hands and tell him it’s time that the dog is suffering and he’s saving his own feelings by not facing up to this .
Tell him he you will do whatever it takes to make doing the thing easier for him .
I completely understand that you are not naturally doggy that makes it hard for you you did not hold the wriggly little pup and burrow your nose in his tummy and watch him grow ,the pain when they go tears your soul .
My OH is hopeless at facing it as well its always me that has to deal with the deed and him .
BTW Zoflora pet odour is good I get mine on amazon .
You have my sympathy once this is over you need to examine want you feel about dog ownership ,for me a partner not committed and doggy would be a no no .
Getting another dog sometime in the future would not do for me I would get another partner rather than live with someone who did not totally embrace dog madness .
You need to understand fully his feelings on this but now is not the time .
 
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Levrier said:
Well that certainly wasn’t clear to me, so perhaps as you frequently point out to others you need to think about the wording of your posts to make them clearer?

And no need for the bitchy comments either Ester, they are insensitive and unnecessary
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I did make it clear that if I was replying to someone I quote reply, particularly if there are lots of comments between mine and theirs, I really can't see how you could have even made that leap when your comment was on the previous page. Other than including 'Lev this isn't in reply to you' I am not sure how I could have worded it clearer but happy to do that going forwards if it helps?

I am always happy for people to ask for clarification, as I do, but I don't appreciate eye rolls with it, that's just a bit rude and it is no way bitchy to point that out.
 
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I think you have to be careful about pushing it to much yourself, I agree you are trying to do the right thing but long term you're making yourself an easy target for blame. It's much better for all 3 involved if he comes to the decision himself but he needs a lot of prompting. If the vets can do it at home that would be better but I doubt with the restrictions in place that's possible. Someone else is in a better position to be blunt and tell him. Try and carry on handling it with as much kindness as you can, you are all in different parts of the same boat
 
honetpot said:
I would take to the vet and have it PTS while he is a work, and tell a fib, it collapsed and needed to be PTS. Pay the vets bill, not the normal vet, then under GDRP you are customer and tell them they are not to discuss it with him, but I would just lie.
An old vet once told me when she did locum work she often PTS a lot of animals as she told people it was OK to let go, and that it was time.
You are going to end up falling out over this eventually, so I would give it the least chance of upset, if he finds out and goes ballistic I would rather ask forgiveness, the dogs needs overrule his.
A lot of men have a real problem-solving mentality, he is trying to solve the problem but not the cause good luck.
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Do not do this. He could easily think you had the dog pts because you found it/the cleaning a pain. I cant imagine a relationship coming back from that.
Also the dog isnt legally yours!
 
SAujla said:
I think you have to be careful about pushing it to much yourself, I agree you are trying to do the right thing but long term you're making yourself an easy target for blame. It's much better for all 3 involved if he comes to the decision himself but he needs a lot of prompting. If the vets can do it at home that would be better but I doubt with the restrictions in place that's possible. Someone else is in a better position to be blunt and tell him. Try and carry on handling it with as much kindness as you can, you are all in different parts of the same boat
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I agree with you. I don’t want to be blamed for pushing for this. It’s not too soon but as you say we’re all in different parts of the same boat! (I like this saying) x
 
Goldenstar said:
OP
I feel for you .
Please disregard some of the harsher comments .
You sound a kind person who does not quite get why this otherwise intelligent person who you love can’t see what you see .
I am going to try to give you a path that you might follow I would if I where you try not to mention the dog for three weeks grin and do what needs doing .
then sit him down and hold his hands and tell him it’s time that the dog is suffering and he’s saving his own feelings by not facing up to this .
Tell him he you will do whatever it takes to make doing the thing easier for him .
I completely understand that you are not naturally doggy that makes it hard for you you did not hold the wriggly little pup and burrow your nose in his tummy and watch him grow ,the pain when they go tears your soul .
My OH is hopeless at facing it as well its always me that has to deal with the deed and him .
BTW Zoflora pet odour is good I get mine on amazon .
You have my sympathy once this is over you need to examine want you feel about dog ownership ,for me a partner not committed and doggy would be a no no .
Getting another dog sometime in the future would not do for me I would get another partner rather than live with someone who did not totally embrace dog madness .
You need to understand fully his feelings on this but now is not the time .
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Thanks for your kind message.
I think you’re right about backing off a bit.
next week he has the vets and I’m going to try to be there too and also his mum is coming for a weekend mid October and she hasn’t seen the dog since Christmas so I know she will say something too.
 
Just to say when we had to rush our dog to the emergency vets in August all 3 of us -hubby, son and myself were allowed to be with her whilst the vet assessed the situation and then told us there was very little he could do. We were with her the whole time and we're able to say our goodbyes.
For general day to day treatment it is just one person, but our vets were fab about us all being there for the goodbye.
 
Houndnothorse said:
I don’t have the right to do this. I’m surprised anyone would sanction this, remember we’re not married and this his dog not mine.
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But you are living with the dog and have the responsibility of its daily care. What will happen on the day when you are the only one at home and the dog can't stand up? Which i can assure you is extremely likely to happen before very long. I have to say, that I would be unable to live with someone who cannot/won't take responsibility for his own pets and leaves them to suffer, so I would not be in your position.
 
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Houndnothorse said:
I don’t have the right to do this. I’m surprised anyone would sanction this, remember we’re not married and this his dog not mine.
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I’m not sanctioning it.

I am, however, observing that the best thing for the dog is PTS in the very near future.

I would not sit on my hands in such a case with a ditherer, and I would definitely not wait until mid October where the mother may or may not step in, my conscience would not allow it.
 
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