Partner not happy about horse costs

Clodagh said:
I agree with Be Positive, partner has a point.
Having a row (which is what it sounds like what happened) is not the same as ongoing bullying at all.
If I had to choose between my husband or my dogs (now I have no horse) I would at least cut down what I spend on them. It just sounds like OP prefers her horses to her partner. Once they have both calmed down they can hopefully discuss calmly and reach a compromise.
I do wonder if a lot of people on here are single sometimes. Compromise is always needed in life, no wonder society is in a muddle.
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Agree. I do think many horsey people come across as very selfish people at times. Relationships should be about compromise. If OPs horses are preventing them progressing in their relationship due to financial restrictions, then he's bound to be a bit upset at the suggestion that she now wants to increase those outgoings even further. I wouldn't call the controlling or bullying at all. From what I gather he hasn't given her an ultimatum to sell up or he walks. He's simply saying he's unhappy at her spending even more on the horse. No big deal.
 
What are you getting out the relationship then op he sounds like a right misery.

At your age you don't need a misery you need to be having fun. Honest.
 
if he gves up the pub and you give up the horse you may well be able to afford the house but you will both be resentful not a good place for either of you. Keep it simple and carry on as you are and see where it leads it sounds like you need a much better relationship to develop before you move in together anyway
 
Moomin1 said:
Why is he a misery? Because he doesn't like horses?
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No hobbies, down the pub peeing it down the drain and making it clear to the op he hates horses. There's many things I'm not that keen on, however if you love someone then you appreciate their hobby is important to them and you don't say you hate it. It is a huge red flag of utter disrespect to another person, to use words like that against them in my experience. It's fine to hate horses but don't get in a relationship with someone who has a horse in that case.
 
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Moomin1 said:
Why is he a misery? Because he doesn't like horses?
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Because he hates an important part of her life, if he loved her it would be understanding that horses are in her life, it is not as if he is saving hard and she is wasting her money on her horse, it really is not a good basis for a long term relationship if she gives up her horse for him at this early stage, maybe he will give up drinking if she asks him but I bet he won't and that he spends almost as much in the pub as it costs to keep a horse.
 
be positive said:
Because he hates an important part of her life, if he loved her it would be understanding that horses are in her life, it is not as if he is saving hard and she is wasting her money on her horse, it really is not a good basis for a long term relationship if she gives up her horse for him at this early stage, maybe he will give up drinking if she asks him but I bet he won't and that he spends almost as much in the pub as it costs to keep a horse.
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OP hasn't said he's asked her to give up horses.
 
As I see it, op currently has Bill of 60 to 70 per week, now going to 85 a week.
OP will make savings on petrol to get to yard, thus also savings on vehicle wear and tear, and also savings as not having to pay for help on top of her usual previous costs, so for an extra max 25 a week, I'm sure this would in the end not cost much more, and also in fact save money if OP has to go away at all.

Imho OP, you need to tell him on the actual savings this makes, if he still doesn't like it then he can do one :)
 
Libby_x said:
Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get.

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions.

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
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With that update he sounds like a right to55er and I'm struggling to see the attraction.
 
OP, you're not even living together yet and he's trying to dictate to you what you can do with your money. While he spends his in the pub.
Keep the horse, bin the boyfriend.
 
Perhaps more importantly, I've not seen anybody ask how your parents feel about it, given you still live at home OP. My Dad decided that I ought to move out in my 27th year. As it happens my now fiance and I had made the same plan and were working towards it so everybody got what they wanted. ;) I earn considerably more so I was able to contribute equally to the flat (we rent) and still pay for my horse/car etc although I'll confess some months were tight. I certainly wouldn't have been kicked out but Dad felt it was time for me to spread my wings, as it were. Your parents may or may not have similar feelings and a time frame in mind.

That aside, you need to decide what's more important to you right now, and then where your boyfriend fits in to that.

Last month I had my horse put to sleep. He was old and not in the best of health, but financial reasons played a large part in my decision and they play an even bigger part in my decision not to buy another horse. I know that I have my fiance's full support in all of those decisions, although he does admit that his preference would be to not get another horse right now, it's not up to him. We're getting married next year, then we want to buy a house, and before we do either of those I need to clear some credit card balances. Giving up horses, and buying a 12yo car as opposed to another brand new one on finance were my compromises. It's not about 50/50 splits and it's not about him giving up anything because I have, it's about what I want to do so that I can contribute more towards our future.
 
Libby_x said:
Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get.

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions.

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
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You don't sound as if you like this man, never mind love him. Are you sure about this relationship?
 
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Libby_x said:
Sorry only just read replies. He hasn't saved a penny and I wish he did have a hobby as most of the money for him goes on the pub. However... His parents can give him a helping hand more than mine so I may be a couple of years behind without the help he might soon get.

Horse is only 4 and about to come back into work from fracture so not something I can share and she doesn't live out as sensitive skin and hasn't worked in the past when I tried on a couple of occasions.

I think I will just have to bring her back into work and see how I go for now. He's not asked me to sell her but has made it clear he hates horses..
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OK, having read that I think you should carry on as you are and see how you get on. You both (and I mean this kindly) proably need to mature a bit.
Whoever said speak to your parents is also a good plan, I love my son dearly but don't want him here forever.
(My Dad lives with woman whos 56 year old son has moved back home, and he has a cracking job and no hobbies). Extreme example.
 
In my experience friends who ended up living with someone who resents their horse or made them sell it have ended up thoroughly miserable. Now they are all getting to the stage in life where the kids have left home they are getting divorced and buying new horses.
 
I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.
 
Mmmm out with horse or sitting down the pub, no contest horse would win every time, I'm tea total I would find the pub boring

I have never met anyone who says they hate horses, I've met a few relatives whose eyes glaze over when I drag out photo's of horses but they are obviously just tired or having a bad day :)
 
Libby_x said:
I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.
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I'd be asking OH how much he is saving. It sounds as though he currently relies on his parents to provide for him and then is expecting you to provide for him. the longer this thread goes on, the less I like the sound of him!
 
Surely if you are both still living at home what you are spending your money on shouldn't affect him. You don't yet have the commitment of living together/ being married etc. I'm with someone and we both still live at home he's aware I won't be able to contribute as much to the mortgage deposit we are saving for as I have the horse. He said he would never ask me to get rid of him either.
You need to make him aware the horse came first.

Most of his money going on the pub? Very close to sounding like a red flag. Sorry.

Does he save any money for joint things e.g. holidays together/ going to something nice for the evening?
 
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Libby_x said:
I think... bring her back into work, put myself on a budget sheet and keep trying to work my way up at work... try a cheaper yard once she's more established and maybe a sharer when she's 5/6 ? Start my own savings and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face. Hopefully it was just a one off.
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It's not the fact that he doesn't like horses, it's that "he went mad". Some people can not like horses and still respect their owner. It's not as though he has the moral high ground here, he isn't saving either, but he is telling you what you can and can't do.
Totally unacceptable.
 
How about saying to him that you appreciate he is thinking about your relationship long term, so you would like to sit down with him and make a plan about saving. Advise him that your going to be saving money with the fuel etc on full livery, and better yet you will have loads more time so you both can spend more time together and he can spend less time in the pub, win win!

If he is up for that, you both get to sit down and work out a budget, see where you are at. You are being reasonable and mature.

If he doesn't fancy that, and actually just wants a whinge about the horses, then you get to see his true colours.
 
I am normally all about the compromise although I am exceedingly lucky with my non-horsey husband. however I don't see he has any moral high ground here- either you both want to work towards your collective future or you don't.
 
Personally I agree with the horse first contingent. The question is, if you gave up the horse, put him out for a year, any of the suggested cutting back options, would you resent your partner afterwards? I know I would
 
split up with mine when he started acting like this! sorry love, the horses were here first! who do you think you are telling me what I can spend my hard earned money on! T W A T

sorry!
 
TBH, your oh should be really pleased about you having more time to spend with them. Took me a while to convince my that I should go part / assisted diy from full, had to convince him I wouldn't be spending all day every day at the yard lol.
 
I should add my horse is 20 now and has cushings and nervous so is un sellable but once he is eventually pts/ passes away I have already decided I won't be getting another horse.
I'm at the point now where other things are becoming more important in my life such as moving out having a mortgage and eventually having children. It does make me go ouch when i add up what the horse costs per month and think how much it would go towards having a mortgage and other than going for long hacks with my friend I am losing interest in things like schooling etc. But I have discussed with oh and he has never said to get rid of the horse he understands the horse was there first and will be until he passes away. We did have a discussion over money and obviously once I no longer have the horse I will be able to contribute more to bills etc when I no longer have a horse plus he is earning more. So while people suggest getting rid of the horse so you can save more it's not always that easy- mine is 20.

However how would your OH react if you had pets/ the horse when you live together and one got a massive vets bill that insurance won't cover?

The key thing in my situation is it's me who's making the decision to walk away from horses when I no longer have mine it's not because OH has said to get rid of him etc.

Does it stop you doing nice things with him e.g. having a holiday together/ going to watch a gig or whatever you're both into? If so I could perhaps see his point. I've been very careful with my non horse essential spending so I can save to go away with OH and go with him to watch his team play in a football game. I have said next year may mean no holidays abroad just a cheap one in the UK so I can save more to move out but we have at least done some together. I ask for money for birthdays etc to go towards the holidays.
 
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Libby_x said:
and just try to establish in the meantime how much of my partners resentment towards the horse is going to get thrown in my face
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This doesn't sound great. If he resents the horse, he resents the horse. His feelings won't change. What happens when you go through a tough time financially or timewise in future, say if you lose your job or have kids or go through a period of illness or your parents do?

Live the life you want. Don't settle for someone who resents something that is so important to you or who goes mad or who you think might throw things in your face.
 
OP, in what way did your OH 'go mad'? Different people will have different interpretations of 'going mad'. If he's completely flipped and screamed and shouted, saying he is not sticking about unless you sell your horse, then that's one thing. If he's simply been shocked by the realisation of the financial costs of keeping horses, and expressed concern over how it may affect you both moving on with your relationship (ie buying a house), then that's another.
 
Cocorules said:
This doesn't sound great. If he resents the horse, he resents the horse. His feelings won't change. What happens when you go through a tough time financially or timewise in future, say if you lose your job or have kids or go through a period of illness or your parents do?

Live the life you want. Don't settle for someone who resents something that is so important to you or who goes mad or who you think might throw things in your face.
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Actually, I disagree. My OH doesn't 'like' the amount of money and time my horse takes up. He often makes out he doesn't like horses. Yet when my horse recently had lameness issues and faced a bleak future, he turned around one day and handed me 1k towards vet bills because he was horrified at the thought of the worst case scenario..
 
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