Please excuse me while I die of idiot disease.

It's official Starzaan, you've now become a public phenomenon! Twizzle and I were texting last night and language reverted to 'morags, whelks, and FF's etc...' We are both enjoying you muchly :D OH just spends time looking over my shoulder at your posts on here saying WTF???!!! I spend so much time on HHO laughing and posting nowadays that he thinks I have a luuuuuurver. I did try to explain the wellies, whelks and the morags (especially the morags) to him but he just doesn't understand! :p (bless, he has a very small brain, thank GOD for his sausage :D :D)
 
My friends have always told me that they cant tell which way Im facing cos Im flatchested, but the positive side is I will never have to worry about strained morags!
How about wrapping some of that silver duct tape round Starzaan, that should keep them
from flapping about and strainfree
 
I once saw a late night tv ad which said "if you can't duck it, f**ck it!!"


That is South African TV advertising at it's best...


AND I GOT A TEXT FROM FF. I now feel like a bit of a slutty stalker... and not sure if he was in fact texting me to see if I've been sectioned under the mental health and looking rank act.... or just 'cause...



I just diced with death - my morags didn't enjoy it, it was a bit rough :D

and the mechanic puts carrots in Shepherd's Pie.



YUCKYUCKYUCK.
 
Starzaan said:
AND I GOT A TEXT FROM FF. I now feel like a bit of a slutty stalker... and not sure if he was in fact texting me to see if I've been sectioned under the mental health and looking rank act.... or just 'cause...
Click to expand...

And?! What did it say?! I feel as though I've invested much hope and energy into your relationship success, the wellbeing of your delightful morags, your whelk encounters... you can't taunt me with these "oh I got a text from the sexy man la de da" comments! I need details woman, DETAILS.

For what it's worth, it just occurred to me that I am in possession of an FF...Fit Frenchman. Woohoo! Whelks wouldn't stand a chance where he's from...mmm, garlic.
 
He said (and I believe this is varbatim)


"what's the word on the street"





You can understand why I nearly died with excitement.




Not even any punctuation.
 
What did you reply?
Was it something REALLY ace and non carey? To give off the impression that you're not all that bothered about whether or not he texts you...
 
I replied... and I believe this is verbatim...

"just been to the dodgiest yard in the world to try a horse. You?"


You should know by now that I'm incapable of saying anything remotely normal to FF. If I can have a whole conversation without snorting or doing the "that's quite funny, but not worth a whole laugh" laugh, I'm a happy bunny.
 
Well. That wasn't too bad? You finished the text with a question, thus making it difficult for him not to reply, which is always clever...

How often does FF text you, I'd be inclinded to say these rumors that he isn't all that into you are not true, after all. My farrier texts me never. Ever. Nill Points.
 
Well...

he USED to text me all the buggering time - the record was 34 texts in one day. (yes, my name is lame, I counted)


but now he has seen me for who I really am - a ranktastic whelk murderer...



and he doesn't talk to me very much any more!
 
Maybe he's dying down with the texts because... and I tread carefully here...

a) nothing thus far has happened between you, perhaps he thinks you're not interested and is laying off a little?

b) You have a mechanic boyfriend?

c) You're a whelk molesterer?
 
Following the abject failure of the Sausages to lure FF into Starzaans kitchen, I have done a little romantic catering research and found these!!

boobs.jpg


Starzaans mother (in the style of Petula Gordeno/Mrs Overall) can lure him in by shouting "Would you like a Morag Muffin or Tit Tart.
:):):)
 
I should bring some of those into my entirely male office and then perhaps they will understand why i frequently have burst out laughing the last two days...

And Starzan - the FF definately likes you - I am lucky if my BF texts me once every few days, not in double figures in a day!!! You are in there like swimwear my dear....

x
 
Who wouldn't want my morags?!?!? They're spectacular (ly sore)!

Well I have given up on FF ever behaving like a normal human being and ripping my morag bandages off... it's taken him too bloody long, and the mechanic has a nicer car. Hohoho


I do NOT molest the whelks, it's only molesty if they say no, and I make them say yes first. I get the lemon candles out, offer them some sausages and make it all romantic like....


Now I hope you are all going to see Krafty Kuts in Cheltenham on Friday - my morags will be there with bells on. My morags are also going to Stow Fair on Thursday, so if you never hear of me again it's because I got stabbed in the morag....
 
Starzaan said:
He said (and I believe this is varbatim)


"what's the word on the street"





You can understand why I nearly died with excitement.




Not even any punctuation.
Click to expand...

what did you reply:

My morags need strapping down, would you do the honours?

Word is I need a good sausaging, any ideas?

Word is out I am have 2 dirty secrets, 1: I heart you, 2: I am a whelk soul sucker

or none of the above?
 
DH1 said:
Dibbin, I am so glad you like the Morag Muffins or Tit Tarts (can't decide).

I assume you are now knee deep in pink icing in your kitchen :)
Click to expand...

I think they're marvellous, I may make some and give them to people as gifts. Although I showed the picture to my mum (who I think may know Starzaan's mum, as they are similarly odd) and she said, "well, you'd need to make two big Victoria sponges if you were doing yours, wouldn't you?!"

Cheek. Pure bl**dy cheek. Just because I don't have petite, cupcake-sized morags.
 
:D
Starzaan said:
SO...

I am casually mooching about at home after a hard morning's painting my yard - no make up on, hair up, about 5 zillion layers on under a big, painty fleece, and some very strange slippers...thinking I am just going to be home for a while to eat some lunch and make some important businessy phone calls...rather enjoying being at home for a change having moved back in while my yard gets sorted out...

cue a VERY loud and crazy Nazi-esque knock at the door....

I shuffle over in my mingingness to answer the door thinking it's a friend from the next village bringing me some figs (not for waxing!)....



but no



it's the bloody farrier.









and his bloody flat mate.





and my dog.




My lovely darling dog heard his van up the road at a friend's yard, and went visiting, so mister super sexy brought him back when he'd finished working.



Cut to my mother and I having a complete melt down and turning into a pair of right dicks. My mother mostly just ran about shrieking "COME IN AND HAVE A SAUSAGE!!!" while I just stood and died inside thinking "I am the rankest looking rank thing from rank town, please just go away and leave me to die alone quietly".


Both of them were lovely and charming as always.

I was a knob, and looked like I should really crawl back into the drain I crawled out of.



Now please excuse me while I go and stick my head in a bucket of whelks and hope they suck out my soul.
Click to expand...



:D i have read 1 or 2 of your threads. Very amusing . Never fear 1 day you will look back and laugh. You gatta. We are now hee hee. Cant you pretend you have an unfortunate twin sister :p
 
Have googled axelotl, That would do nicely, thank you. Could you get me a man whelk from the sea (and promise not to suck him dry?) I do so enjoy the company of my own kind. I will call off Lenny Lobster from kicking your behind and of course keep quiet about your rather freeky soul sucking tendencies, Gollum has also agreed not to pee on your leg for me if you do this. We can work on your pulling technique for FF and I can have a pair of these sent in from the sea for your morags...
http://www.fancydressdirect.co.uk/images/P/22708.jpg

they work for the mermaids, although they will have to be from Veeerry big scallops.

Cyril also said that he will fix your morag restrainers with his spider thread.

Do we have a deal (can I come out from my hiding place now?) or are you going to slash me up and suck out my soul?
 
Whelk said:
Have googled axelotl, That would do nicely, thank you. Could you get me a man whelk from the sea (and promise not to suck him dry?) I do so enjoy the company of my own kind. I will call off Lenny Lobster from kicking your behind and of course keep quiet about your rather freeky soul sucking tendencies, Gollum has also agreed not to pee on your leg for me if you do this. We can work on your pulling technique for FF and I can have a pair of these sent in from the sea for your morags...
http://www.fancydressdirect.co.uk/images/P/22708.jpg

they work for the mermaids, although they will have to be from Veeerry big scallops.

Cyril also said that he will fix your morag restrainers with his spider thread.

Do we have a deal (can I come out from my hiding place now?) or are you going to slash me up and suck out my soul?
Click to expand...

p.s can I have my very own rock in there too?
 
Deal.

I love you really little whelk. (I also BLATES know who you are!!!)

You see, I only whelked it up to the max because I'm a sad one, and you all made me feel better... so really, I love you.
 
dibbin said:
I think they're marvellous, I may make some and give them to people as gifts. Although I showed the picture to my mum (who I think may know Starzaan's mum, as they are similarly odd) and she said, "well, you'd need to make two big Victoria sponges if you were doing yours, wouldn't you?!"

Cheek. Pure bl**dy cheek. Just because I don't have petite, cupcake-sized morags.
Click to expand...

Dibbin
PMSL!! I am very envious of you and Starzan in the Morag department.

You need a couple of Victoria sponge cake tins and I would manage very well with a couple of Ferrero Rocher paper cases.
 
Starzaan said:
Deal.

I love you really little whelk. (I also BLATES know who you are!!!)

You see, I only whelked it up to the max because I'm a sad one, and you all made me feel better... so really, I love you.
Click to expand...


Loves ya too not so evil sea witch, I will tutor you in the mating behaviour of whelks, It is something along the lines of poking your head out of your shell and saying 'fancy a sh*g' works very well for us :D:D

As my alter ego I have watched your thread and I too have rolled with laughter, but believe me, I am certain you do not know who I really am:D:D

voice your guess at who I normally am on here and I will tell you if you are wrong, or wrong:D:D
 
Whelk said:
Loves ya too not so evil sea witch, I will tutor you in the mating behaviour of whelks, It is something along the lines of poking your head out of your shell and saying 'fancy a sh*g' works very well for us :D:D

As my alter ego I have watched your thread and I too have rolled with laughter, but believe me, I am certain you do not know who I really am:D:D

voice your guess at who I normally am on here and I will tell you if you are wrong, or wrong:D:D
Click to expand...

How rude.

Does your name in LIFE begin with a C? If not, then I'm actually all kinds of wrong and give up. A lot.

My near death experience today was worth it in the end... the horse who did NOT try to kill anyone was purchased. And I survived. Good ting all round!
 
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