Boggle- USA bound!

[palo1]

Aw Michen, we have all had those thoughts - both when life is 'easy' but we are still scurrying around sorting horse stuff with life stuff and when the sh*t hits the fan. It's tough but I think it is a normal part of the life-horses-money equation that really doesn't always add up!! Sorry you feel badly about it though. I think it gets easier the longer you keep livestock and horses in particular as you do reconcile the tough times/absolute nuisance value of animals with the good times which actually are still hard work and demand commitment and sacrifice! You've been through a real storm though; not just with moving continents and setting up a new life but also this dire, scary, costly illness that Bog has/had. No wonder you are questioning things lol!! Just accept that the thoughts are entirely rational even if unwanted and see where you are at in a while. Hope you get some rest for a bit now and that Boggle continues to feel better.

 

[Apercrumbie]

Sometimes our brains are, for lack of a better word, trolls. They come up with ridiculous, often nasty things and it doesn't mean it's how you really feel. What counts is how you feel on a regular basis, and that is clearly adoring of your horse.

 

[CanteringCarrot]

We do it because when it’s good it feels amazing! Having that partnership with an animal that could kick you into next week or buck you off if it wanted to is a wonderful feeling. I’m not sure how we’ve come to the conclusion that it somehow makes the hard times worth going through, but it does!

I suppose, but I think those "amazing" feelings are over for me. So I think it's just over.

I still would say it's normal to have these thoughts, especially in times of stress, but I'm just at a different level with it all.

 

[Debsflo1]

I have the weirdest most awful dark confession. There was a thought that crossed my mind a few times recently but before this even happened that maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here. And it happened again when I thought he was going to die. It was fleeting and I absolutely hate that I even thought it and I can’t even understand it.

The thought before it happened was because I spend so much time worrying about him, feeling bad because I’ve taken him from his English life in a big grassy field. Always questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him Etc etc. I started to think about what I’d do with that extra 2,000 dollars a month if I didn’t have him.

Then when I thought I was going to lose him and was sort of in the depths of the panic and despair I distinctly remember thinking well I’d have to go through this at some point so at least I’m half way there now. And again, maybe life would be simpler.

How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore. It feels like I bought this on myself and him.

That sounds completely understandable to me.
The brain tries to process distress and trauma in all sorts of ways.
Please don't feel guilty or bad.

 

[Michen]

Thank you. I’ve been feeling a bit evil about it especially given these thoughts happened Pre this whole thing. Like I somehow goaded him into almost dying

Feck, it hurts to love them so much doesn’t it? Equally I feel like it would hurt more to love them less. Imagine going through this emotional and $$ to not.

At least there’s never been a over head question when it comes to him.

 

[SO1]

To be fair most people's life would be easier if they didn't have a horse. The time and money and worry that comes with horse ownership when things don't go to plan can make it exhausting especially if you do not have close friends and family to support you near by. The more you love your horse the more likely you are to have these worries and the desire to make their life perfect.

As someone who for the first time in 15 years does not have a horse yes the anxiety is gone and financially it so much easier however I am quite miserable a lot of time. My life feels empty and actually I don't feel stress free as my job is quite demanding.

I miss Homey terribly and wish he was still here but admittedly I don't miss going to yard during the hot weather and having to exercise him for weight control or worry about him during the heat. I am so not a summer person I absolutely loathe the heat anything above 23C I find unpleasant and with 5 more heatwaves expected during the summer horse ownership would not have been fun this summer for me.

It is ok to admit life would be easier without them but that doesn't mean that we don't want them with us.

I thought Homey would be my last horse but I will get another. My friend had to have one of hers put to sleep last week and she says when her remaining horses go she won't have more due to the stress and cost. She always used to say she would get more if she lost hers and I always said I wouldn't if I lost Homey due to the worry and cost.

I would like to think with my next horse I will be less obsessive and neurotic and learn to be more pragmatic which may reduce the worry.

I do hope Boogle makes a good recovery I know the journey with him has not been smooth but he is still a young horse so hopefully he will have the strength to pull through. Vets always have to make you aware of the worst outcomes but you never know he may still be a riding horse for you.

I expect there maybe an element of post traumatic stress for you and perhaps also you are mourning the loss of him being able to be a competition horse for you too as you seemed to really be energised by competing and there is nothing wrong with that too.

I have the weirdest most awful dark confession. There was a thought that crossed my mind a few times recently but before this even happened that maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here. And it happened again when I thought he was going to die. It was fleeting and I absolutely hate that I even thought it and I can’t even understand it.

The thought before it happened was because I spend so much time worrying about him, feeling bad because I’ve taken him from his English life in a big grassy field. Always questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him Etc etc. I started to think about what I’d do with that extra 2,000 dollars a month if I didn’t have him.

Then when I thought I was going to lose him and was sort of in the depths of the panic and despair I distinctly remember thinking well I’d have to go through this at some point so at least I’m half way there now. And again, maybe life would be simpler.

How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore. It feels like I bought this on myself and him.

 

[anguscat]

Not coming home until Friday, they want to switch him to orals and monitor to make sure he tolerates ok. They re did the culture and it is actually growing something but they aren’t sure what yet tho they are suspecting some anerobic bacteria which isn’t good news for a long term prognosis but does make sense as to why he seems to have been up and down

Anyway, he’s still doing ok which is the main thing.

Well it’s better they really identify what’s lurking in those lungs. But mega-disappointing for you. Hugs.

 

[anguscat]

I have the weirdest most awful dark confession. There was a thought that crossed my mind a few times recently but before this even happened that maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here. And it happened again when I thought he was going to die. It was fleeting and I absolutely hate that I even thought it and I can’t even understand it.

The thought before it happened was because I spend so much time worrying about him, feeling bad because I’ve taken him from his English life in a big grassy field. Always questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him Etc etc. I started to think about what I’d do with that extra 2,000 dollars a month if I didn’t have him.

Then when I thought I was going to lose him and was sort of in the depths of the panic and despair I distinctly remember thinking well I’d have to go through this at some point so at least I’m half way there now. And again, maybe life would be simpler.

How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore. It feels like I bought this on myself and him.

Humans have wide-ranging thoughts. You’re playing devil’s advocate with yourself. That’s ok.

 

[Jenko109]

I have the same sorts of thoughts and some pretty horrific intrusive thoughts from time to time.

If I could tell you some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my head, I think you would think I need sectioning.

Thoughts about me hurting my animals. Despite absolutely adoring my animals and of course would never do anything to harm them.

I genuinely thought I was the only person to have them, until a friend mentioned 'intrusive thoughts.' I googled it and it's apparently very much a thing and happens to lots of people.

Our brains arent always kind to us.

 

[Red-1]

I have the weirdest most awful dark confession. There was a thought that crossed my mind a few times recently but before this even happened that maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here. And it happened again when I thought he was going to die. It was fleeting and I absolutely hate that I even thought it and I can’t even understand it.

The thought before it happened was because I spend so much time worrying about him, feeling bad because I’ve taken him from his English life in a big grassy field. Always questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him Etc etc. I started to think about what I’d do with that extra 2,000 dollars a month if I didn’t have him.

Then when I thought I was going to lose him and was sort of in the depths of the panic and despair I distinctly remember thinking well I’d have to go through this at some point so at least I’m half way there now. And again, maybe life would be simpler.

How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore. It feels like I bought this on myself and him.

I think this is normal. Your brain is just trying stuff on for size. Your absolute dedication to paying the $$$ to get him right shows which side you fall on.

You have been under stress for a long time. Moving countries is stressful, even if you are enjoying it. We spend a lot of our time on autopilot, effortless and less stress. Moving countries means that autopilot doesn't work as there are too many differences.

One of my visits to Colorado I did a couple of shifts with the Police department. I went back to my boarding house just as it was getting light, maybe 4am? There was a car casing the joint. In the UK, I would have instantly recognised the type of car and memorised the number plate. Nope, not here. The car was not familiar so I didn't know what type it was. The number plate was in an unfamiliar typeface and configuration and I totally could not snap memorise it. It was too difficult! Probably not helped as the Police shift had been long, arrests, chases, running around at high altitude in Fort Collins... but still, I could not do a simple task because of the unfamiliar elements. Brain overload.

Your brain has been working overtime for a long time. Of course it will try ideas on for size to lighten the burden. But you have always taken the greatest of care of Boggle.

 

[Bionic Boy]

I am sure every single one of us have had those thoughts at some time or another. I know I have.
Part of it is probably down to being a coping mechanism.
Don’t beat yourself up over it.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

It’s just your brain looking for an escape from the pressure.

Objectively, it’s not wrong either. Life is easier without horses and they are a pressure and a responsibility.

Your heart is the other party in this matter, and is clearly putting a better argument to you at the moment.

That may shift though and in time you might decide that the balance isn’t right. That’s ok too. We owe them a good standard of care and as comfortable a life as life can ever be. We don’t owe them our whole lives.

None of that means that you’ve psychically influenced the universe to make him ill.

 

[HeresHoping]

Ah. The intrusive thoughts. We all have them. I am an HHO resident sufferer and was diagnosed with full blown OCD because I forgot to ignore them, paid them a little too much attention and they got stuck, magnified and morphed. So, the trick is to recognise them for what they are. An intrusive thought. Acknowledge them but don't explore them. Then dismiss them. They go away. If we explore them, we give meaning to them and then we give them power, and when we give them power they multiply and drive anxiety up. My OCD specialist says to say to oneself 'thoughts are just thoughts. They are not facts. Feelings are not facts until we give them meaning.' Some of us can dismiss such thoughts and feelings as momentary blips. Others get panicky and start to examine the why and this perpetuates an anxiety thought loop which gains momentum.

 

[ycbm]

I have the weirdest most awful dark confession. There was a thought that crossed my mind a few times recently but before this even happened that maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here. And it happened again when I thought he was going to die. It was fleeting and I absolutely hate that I even thought it and I can’t even understand it.

The thought before it happened was because I spend so much time worrying about him, feeling bad because I’ve taken him from his English life in a big grassy field. Always questioning if I’m doing the right thing for him Etc etc. I started to think about what I’d do with that extra 2,000 dollars a month if I didn’t have him.

Then when I thought I was going to lose him and was sort of in the depths of the panic and despair I distinctly remember thinking well I’d have to go through this at some point so at least I’m half way there now. And again, maybe life would be simpler.

How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore. It feels like I bought this on myself and him.

You have some inkling of how screwed my head was last year taking Ludo away from an idyllic life on the farm and putting him in livery away from home on restricted turnout then having him go lame. When I felt forced to PTS it was devastating and the guilt of the whole of what happened to him in his last year is slow to fade.

You aren't alone, M, and we're all rooting for you and your plucky little horse.

 

[Ambers Echo]

Brains throw up random what ifs all the time. We also try different lives/choices/options on for size all the time. So we can get random intrusive thoughts but we can also have lengthy daydreams about life without our animals. Or our kids and/or husbands for that matter! The other day squeezing in a ride after a stressful day at work, I noticed my brain musing about what all 4 horses and lorry cost me per month. And what I’d get if I sold the lot. Bad idea! I then thought well obviously I’m not selling them but maybe a lightning strike? Instant, painless death for them all? Then I got to the farm and had a great ride and forgot all about it. That does not mean I secretly want them all to die by lightning strike. Or any other way. Nor that if any of them do drop dead, I will have caused that to happen. (If I had that power I’d win the lottery instead!) Brains are pattern finders and we tend to believe that if we think things and some vague version of them actually happen that we made it happen or are being punished. Discounting the million thoughts a day that don’t come to pass.

 

[BBP]

Thank you Michen for admitting that you have had those thoughts. I have had a similar intrusive thoughts earlier this year, both about BBP and my dog. My life would be so much easier. Easier. My brain threw that thought around. Perhaps that actually the totally rational side of my brain speaking. The part that is trying to keep me alive and healthy and lower my cortisol levels. I was so sure BBP was on his way out earlier this year that I spent weeks and weeks looking for every sign of deterioration, every single thing he did must be because he was in pain and his quality of life wasn’t good enough. My brain forgot to look for any positives and was in a constant fight about picking the right day and how I should know. It was so stressful that more and more I wished he would just deteriorate hard so I had a clear sign to make the decision. But he wouldn’t bloody do it.

Yesterday (and on other days previous), as he galloped up the track to me with his pointy ears pricked as far as they would go, and his eyes bright and shining, the irrational, emotional part of my brain face punched the rational part and reminded it that easier doesn’t mean better. Every day I get to see those beautiful pointy ears is a gift, even if I will never get to see them from the ridden view again.

Let’s face it, if we wanted easy and stress free, and to listen to the sensible brain, none of us would ride, or dive, or skydive, or drive. We would be those folks from Wall-e with the floating chairs.

 

[palo1]

Thank you Michen for admitting that you have had those thoughts. I have had a similar intrusive thoughts earlier this year, both about BBP and my dog. My life would be so much easier. Easier. My brain threw that thought around. Perhaps that actually the totally rational side of my brain speaking. The part that is trying to keep me alive and healthy and lower my cortisol levels. I was so sure BBP was on his way out earlier this year that I spent weeks and weeks looking for every sign of deterioration, every single thing he did must be because he was in pain and his quality of life wasn’t good enough. My brain forgot to look for any positives and was in a constant fight about picking the right day and how I should know. It was so stressful that more and more I wished he would just deteriorate hard so I had a clear sign to make the decision. But he wouldn’t bloody do it.

Yesterday (and on other days previous), as he galloped up the track to me with his pointy ears pricked as far as they would go, and his eyes bright and shining, the irrational, emotional part of my brain face punched the rational part and reminded it that easier doesn’t mean better. Every day I get to see those beautiful pointy ears is a gift, even if I will never get to see them from the ridden view again.

Let’s face it, if we wanted easy and stress free, and to listen to the sensible brain, none of us would ride, or dive, or skydive, or drive. We would be those folks from Wall-e with the floating chairs.

Wise words @BBP - wise words!!

 

[Trouper]

I guess we should not be too surprised that our brains need to "go somewhere" too to de-stress after a challenging time - even if that is not to a very helpful place. After all, that is a horse's reaction too - to escape from pressure/attack at the fastest possible pace.

I sometimes think that our ability to rationalise things is not always helpful and you just need to let the dust settle before you can see where you really are.

 

[Michen]

Wow- I had no idea this was such a thing. I feel far less evil and crazy now. Huge thanks to you all for your very honest, thoughtful posts. Read through them all at 1am and about to read them again!

Also, I think I’m going to have to leave man friend 24 hours early and fly back today (thursday). United airlines sent me an email offering a free change as they must be over booked and I just really, really want to get back. It’s like a carrots been dangled as the flight today was originally v expensive. I’ve been totally at peace and almost pleased to be away from the whole thing but I suddenly just want to be back with him NOW and I don’t want to wait until Friday.

He can dive and stuff and probably would have stayed anyway as wanted a couple of extra days in Mexico (he’s heading to Canada next) soooo.. shall I just go. Be selfish? It does feel pretty mean.

But also… Bog.

 

[Red-1]

Wow- I had no idea this was such a thing. I feel far less evil and crazy now. Huge thanks to you all for your very honest, thoughtful posts. Read through them all at 1am and about to read them again!

Also, I think I’m going to have to leave man friend 24 hours early and fly back today (thursday). United airlines sent me an email offering a free change as they must be over booked and I just really, really want to get back. It’s like a carrots been dangled as the flight today was originally v expensive. I’ve been totally at peace and almost pleased to be away from the whole thing but I suddenly just want to be back with him NOW and I don’t want to wait until Friday.

He can dive and stuff and probably would have stayed anyway as wanted a couple of extra days in Mexico (he’s heading to Canada next) soooo.. shall I just go. Be selfish? It does feel pretty mean.

But also… Bog.

I would go. If he is a keeper he'll understand, or go with you.

ETA - I wouldn't say this to everyone. It's just that, reading your adventures, you wouldn't be easy for a needy person to keep up with. Best have someone who is independent.

 

[Michen]

I would go. If he is a keeper he'll understand, or go with you.

He is great and I think a lot of him but absolutely not “the one!”

Think I have my answer

 

[Red-1]

He is great and I think a lot of him but absolutely not “the one!”

Think I have my answer

I did an ETA on my post.

 

[Squeak]

Definitely go, he should understand and if not, as he's not the one anyway then....

 

[BBP]

Wow- I had no idea this was such a thing. I feel far less evil and crazy now. Huge thanks to you all for your very honest, thoughtful posts. Read through them all at 1am and about to read them again!

Also, I think I’m going to have to leave man friend 24 hours early and fly back today (thursday). United airlines sent me an email offering a free change as they must be over booked and I just really, really want to get back. It’s like a carrots been dangled as the flight today was originally v expensive. I’ve been totally at peace and almost pleased to be away from the whole thing but I suddenly just want to be back with him NOW and I don’t want to wait until Friday.

He can dive and stuff and probably would have stayed anyway as wanted a couple of extra days in Mexico (he’s heading to Canada next) soooo.. shall I just go. Be selfish? It does feel pretty mean.

But also… Bog.

If man friend is a happy independent traveller then I am sure he will be perfectly happy if you leave him to do his own thing in Mexico for a bit. And if he doesn’t understand then he isn’t the kind of friend who will ever ‘get’ one of the most important parts of your life.

 

[Michen]

He did change his travel plans and loose a few hundred quid to tag on some extra travel days in Mexico with me though. But like I said I do think he “may” have done it anyway. So I feel a little bad leaving.

Equally, I am not well enough to dive with this stupid cold so I’d be sat here alone for half the day tomorrow anyway. I know it’s only 24 hours extra but I really want to go. Jeez, this whole thing has turned me into a pathetic wreck who can’t make any decisions

ETA, pathetic wreck making decisions- flight changed rightly or wrongly. I will take some pics of Bog and drop them in here tonight when I see him

 

[ycbm]

I should add that although Charlie is a delight and has barely put a foot wrong I'm still having days wondering if life wouldn't just be a lot less stressful without him. Talking to other people I think this is just normal, especially after life threatening problems or a death.

Ref the flight back - get on it!
.

 

[Annagain]

I have been there with the intrusive thoughts so many times with all my horses. When I knew Charlie wasn't the one for me and there was something not right, I almost wanted it to be something catastrophic that would force my hand, same with Arch. He's 29 retired and happy but there are times when maybe he's not looking as good as he does now and I think it would be so much easier for something to happen that would mean the decision is made for me. Then he rubs his head on me or whickers when I arrive at the yard or comes galloping to the gate when I call him and I hate that I had those thoughts.

 

[splashgirl45]

I had those thoughts with my cushings mare, I was wishing I would arrive at the yard and find she had passed away.. on the day I made the final decision I was wishing the opposite as I didn’t want to lose her, also having a horse was my way of life so my life changed dramatically . I am pleased to hear that others have those sort of thoughts as well as I thought it was only me.

 

[Muddy unicorn]

I had similar thoughts about my eldest child when he was about 7 or 8 - he’d been diagnosed with complex neurodiversities and there was a year when his impulsivity nearly killed him on more than one occasion. I was so stressed that I kept thinking it would be easier if he hadn’t managed to avoid death by the skin of his teeth and that we’d all be really sad but we wouldn’t have to deal with whatever the future might hold. He’s 26 now and not that much easier - but still alive! It’s stress and it’s very common.

 

[Widgeon]

maybe life would be easier if Boggle wasn’t here...maybe life would be simpler...How utterly screwed up is that. To even think such thoughts about something you adore.

I think people feel like that about their own kids sometimes, so I wouldn't feel too guilty! The thing is, it's entirely true - life would be hugely easier without him. But that isn't how love works, is it? Love is carrying on even when it's hard, because you have their best interests at heart. Which is what you've done.