Feeling down

[Sossigpoker]

A little advice you may or may not want... I have never had a young horse without another, older one running alongside. Young horses are excitable and they have their moments. If they are all you ride, sometimes they can make you a bit nervy because you are always expecting the next spook, and then your nerves make your horse more nervous and the spooks increase. Taking a break and riding something older is often good for both of you. Could you share something steady for a bit while your horse is still learning with the pro?

I am currently 'making' two steady ponies/horses, one for my son and one for my OH. They are so very very good for 5 year olds really, and I can take them both hacking solo without any worries - past spooky things, in open fields, to shows or arena hire, no bucking or issues or anything. They aren't quite so perfect for a less confident rider though - in part because I feel the slight tenseness about the bird in the hedge and tell them to stop being silly and ride forwards, whereas the less confident rider feels the tenseness and gets scared, then off the pony goes! I react quicker too - a 'spook' that could be a leap and a run becomes half a step forwards before my reins tighten and the horse stops - I barely notice it, whereas with a less confident rider, it takes longer (and the horse is moving faster) before the rider reacts. As time progresses they are constantly improving, but both riders are currently riding other, older horses and I am on the youngsters. They will both grow into amazing adults, as I am sure your horse will, but these things take time. 6 is still so very young!

My issue is that I tense in anticipation and he picks it up from me. It really is entirely me. I am having some mental health wobbles at the moment in general so feeling quite low- and kind of beating myself up about being so pathetic.

 

[Sossigpoker]

I don't suppose it could hurt but unlike some other sports, just telling yourself that all you need is positive thinking and a (possibly deluded) belief that all will be fine if you apply more courage and determination would be dangerous! You need to structure your horse's work plan so as to set you both up for success and good experiences one tiny step at a time for both of you to develop your confidence.

Good point thank you. We've agreed with my coach now that when I feel like riding she will ride him first as seeing him be so good with someone else has a positive effect on me mentally. Today she trotted and cantered him around the arena , dropped the reins to show he's not going anywhere, stopped him just with her seat. Seeing that helps me but then I also feel pathetic for not being able to do that.
So frustrating!

 

[SaddlePsych'D]

I haven't but will look it up now .
I was wondering if seeing a sports psychologist might help too?

If you're having flashbacks, PTSD is possible. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/

I'm not sure if sports psychology works with PTSD specifically but worth asking, or approach your GP or local IAPT service (see the NHS link) to see about psychological interventions if this does apply to you.

No advice on the horse front, if you're happy paying someone to keep him ticking over that seems fair enough but maybe consider an alternative ride for yourself while working your confidence back up. Hope things start moving in the right direction for you soon.

ETA: there's also a book in the books on prescription series called 'Overcoming Traumatic Stress' which may be of interest. Not horse specific but may be helpful if you are thinking this might be relevant to what you're experiencing.

 

[Winters100]

I would have the same problems sitting on a rocking horse right now but thank you for the unwanted and unhelpful input.
My horse hasn't done anything wrong, literally not put a hoof out of place but it would appear I have some form of PTSD.
I don't see how getting rid of him will resolve that but I guess it would make you happy?

Don't get upset, no one is trying to be unkind, but maybe it is time for a re-think.

I know how you feel when you say "I would have the same problems sitting on a rocking horse right now". I felt like that when I first got back to riding, and it seems so long ago but it is only 2 years. When I first had my schoolmistress I remember being afraid that something would happen, that she would do something unexpected - I was literally waiting for something to happen.

What helped me was that I had bought a horse where nothing did ever 'happen. Because she is a sensible and experienced horse my fears did not unsettle her, she knew her job, she knew that monsters do not hide in the bushes, and just carried on regardless. And with time, and riding every single day, I got my confidence back, but I know that with a youngster this would not have worked for me. You need to find something that works for you. For example could you loan a school master or mistress while your pro brings yours on? Or take lessons on something calm and easy? I can say that I now have my confidence back, but still I am wary of youngsters, because they are by nature unpredictable and require a stronger rider.

I also think that you need to be realistic about your horse, because you have her to consider too. You say that she has not put a hoof wrong, but also you said earlier that she had bolted twice. It really does not matter what actually happened, what matters is that whatever it was it scared you so much that you perceived it is a bolt. This is going to be no fun for you unless you can get some confidence, and you have to realise that she is not going to change dramatically after 6 months under a pro - she will still be young and hence unpredictable and looking to get confidence from her rider. I do not know you, but from what you have said my honest opinion is that it might be the best thing for you to think about finding her a lovely new home. Please don't take offence at this - this is advice given with your interests at heart. Your pro said give it 6 months. This is reasonable, but in my opinion giving it longer will not help. And I say this as someone who tried for years with a horse who was never going to be right for me, and spent a fortune on trainers / lessons etc.

I am truly not being unkind, and I do understand that it is difficult to face up to needing a different horse to the one you have, but you should be having fun with this, and right now it sounds pretty miserable for you.

 

[brighteyes]

My coach says to give it 6 months and then if after 6 months he isn't up to doing the things I want to do then sell him, but chances are I will feel differently by then.
Maybe this is teething problems as he's only been with me for 6 weeks ? Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself?

You need at least 12 months (one of every season) before you will start to feel like you know them. I've had horses all my life and have found each time you move one in - ours stay for life, so we pick as carefully as we can - they revert back to their default setting until they have settled in thoroughly. They might be a bit spooky, or spin and put a few yards between them and the scary thing, or nap - it's not desirable, but might have a legit reason. My lifetime horse napped like mad when I first got him if he was ever feeling insecure and scared. He relied on the presence of other horses than listen to me (durrr OBVIOUSLY - he had no idea what I was about, really) At that point we hadn't fully come to understand and trust one another.

Your pro help is detached, experienced and likely is barely concerned about the behaviours but even a guaranteed saint - which my rearing, napping cry-baby but eventually lifetime horse did in the early weeks - will do what he or she feels necessary in the light of no guidance or lead they feel confident enough to follow.
Stop riding him unless you are on a leadrein or with a total babysitter of a horse AND RIDER. Don't overface yourself. Don't watch others and base your lack of progress on anything but your aims, but make the goals achievable. He is likely just afraid and lonely and unsure and is, after all, something's dinner if he doesn't keep his wits about him in this very new environment.

People forget, a horse needs to orient itself with its new surroundings - what or who lives there, escape routes, safe places, routine. Put yourself in his shoes and give yourselves time.

 

[brighteyes]

He has run off when frightened twice now, I guess it's not true bolting as I was able to do an emergency stop (one rein) but feels pretty terrifying when it'd happening. Once you've stopped him, if you then take leg off, soften hand and reassure him he's fine and will stand there. It's that bit I struggle with as every instinct tells me to grip and cling on! But today it was shown that if I relax and reassure, he doesn't turn try and run off again, so it's not him being a shit and tanking off, it's his response to being frightened. Today there was something in the hedge, a cow or a deer.

Again YOU might know where you are, but this is completely new to him. He needs to know if you say it's OK, that he really won't end up as tiger food. He doesn't know that yet

 

[brighteyes]

Good for you - we all have good and bad days and if what you want to do is build a partnership with this particular horse, then I for one get that, and taking all the time needed and working with inspiring people is key.

But remember, on a public forum, you will always get a spectrum of view and experiences - the trick is to use it as a tool and search through for the things that may help you on your particular journey.

Ps I always have had unsuitable horses - and kept them till the end. One took me 15 years to build a solid trust ..... but I loved (most) of it and it taught me so much .... I wouldn’t change a thing!!

All of this. It's a two-way street and your new horse isn't doing this deliberately. They are doing it because they are a horse and simply acting like one. The process of making yourselves a team can be simply awesome, but it's not in any way instant. The pro is asserting enough authority for the horse to cooperate, which is fine for keeping it ticking over, but they won't be a team. Reset the steps, don't ride when you don't feel like it and look at him for who is actually is and not heap your dreams on him. It's a hell of a responsibility for something with a brain the size of your fist.

 

[Upthecreek]

The reality is though OP, and I am not saying this to be unkind, if you had a confidence giving school master/mistress type that had been there and done it you would not be so stressed and anxious about what might happen. Older more established horses are generally more predictable and the confidence of the rider is not so important a factor in how they behave. Again, not being mean, but if you are going to ride right now in your current mindset, a sensitive youngster that needs confidence from his rider is the last thing you need.

 

[Sossigpoker]

Again YOU might know where you are, but this is completely new to him. He needs to know if you say it's OK, that he really won't end up as tiger food. He doesn't know that yet

The good news is that if he gets worried, he accepts my reassurance and relaxes. It literally is me who needs the most help! We did finish on a good note today though, eventually. So I'm hoping that in time through achieving small things I will stop being so reactive and therefore not trigger his anxiety so much.
And no, I never ride on my own.
Apparently I ride perfectly well and certainly can ride him, it's just that I don't believe that I can.

 

[Winters100]

I would also add that a schoolmistress is very handy to have around for lots of reasons. Today was my first day riding after having the cast removed from my broken hand. I have hardly any strength and very little movement, the treatment was given by a family member who is an orthoped, and even he said ok to riding so long as it was only her. She is such a confidence giver that I did not feel worried for a second.

 

[Sossigpoker]

I would also add that a schoolmistress is very handy to have around for lots of reasons. Today was my first day riding after having the cast removed from my broken hand. I have hardly any strength and very little movement, the treatment was given by a family member who is an orthoped, and even he said ok to riding so long as it was only her. She is such a confidence giver that I did not feel worried for a second.

Well I have the horse i have, saying what would be better is all good and well but I can't afford to buy another horse.

 

[Winters100]

Well I have the horse i have, saying what would be better is all good and well but I can't afford to buy another horse.

Actually you might be surprised. It costs me not much more to keep my 3 than it did to keep the previous 1 - I don't know what it costs in the UK to have the horse under the care of a pro and ridden by them every day, but here it is not cheap, and unless you can train them yourself (which you and I clearly can't) that burns a big hole in the budget!

 

[paddy555]

Well I have the horse i have, saying what would be better is all good and well but I can't afford to buy another horse.

but what about loaning or taking on a horse for the winter. Riding holiday centres let them go on loan for the winter. If you could get 6 months in with a horse you felt confident with you may feel differently about riding your horse.
Also you say you never ride alone. Clearly it wouldn't be safe with your horse at present but riding alone can give you a lot of confidence. With a loan horse that would be possible.

 

[Sossigpoker]

Well it would obviously cost twice what I'm paying now to have a second horse. ?
I'm really not looking to get another horse, I was just sent a video of me riding him today and it looked very nice. The horse isn't the problem, the problem is in my head. Getting another horse won't fix my head so please just leave it.


I've ordered the book recommended above and I'll look for Karl Greenwood's book too.
There's a lady local to here who used to be an international dressage trainer but is now working as a counsellor- I might approach her and ask if she could help me with this issue. Not sure what type of counselling she does.

 

[Winters100]

The horse isn't the problem, the problem is in my head. Getting another horse won't fix my head so please just leave it.
.

Will gladly 'leave it'. You seem to have the attitude that the situation is what it is, and want to simply hear that you are doing everything right, rather than to listen to perfectly sensible advice from Paddy555 and numerous other people here. If money is an issue I really don't see why you want to keep a horse who realistically needs to be ridden by a pro 6 days a week for the foreseeable future. You post that the horse has "bolted" twice, once resulting in a fall, and then that she as not put a hoof wrong. I hope this works out for you and wish you luck, but I would urge you to be a bit more open minded to other solutions should the situation continue as it is.

 

[Sossigpoker]

Will gladly 'leave it'. You seem to have the attitude that the situation is what it is, and want to simply hear that you are doing everything right, rather than to listen to perfectly sensible advice from Paddy555 and numerous other people here. If money is an issue I really don't see why you want to keep a horse who realistically needs to be ridden by a pro 6 days a week for the foreseeable future. You post that the horse has "bolted" twice, once resulting in a fall, and then that she as not put a hoof wrong. I hope this works out for you and wish you luck, but I would urge you to be a bit more open minded to other solutions should the situation continue as it is.

Actually I have asked what people recommend for dealing with my trauma and anxiety. And some people have managed to answer that question , thank you for those. He doesn't get ridden 6 days a week and does not require it but thank you for your unwarranted concern. In the video from today he went nicely but inside I felt like shit - the problem is my head, not the horse.

 

[Winters100]

Actually I have asked what people recommend for dealing with my trauma and anxiety. And some people have managed to answer that question , thank you for those. He doesn't get ridden 6 days a week and does not require it but thank you for your unwarranted concern. In the video from today he went nicely but inside I felt like shit - the problem is my head, not the horse.

OK, but how often does the pro ride him then? Because a youngster needs riding very regularly, and there is clearly some problem if he is bolting, or doing something which feels to you like a bolt.

 

[Winters100]

Also I don't mean to be harsh, but if it is help with anxiety that you need then it is better to say so. What you posted was:

I'm feeling a bit low because in the last week or so he's bolted twice, both times apparently due to being frightened of something. The first time I fell off but thankfully due to wearing my Hit Air I wasn't hurt. Today he did it again out hacking, something in the hedge (maybe cattle or a deer) spooked him and he bombed off. I managed to do an emergency stop but then I panicked and had to get off.
I just feel like everyone else gets a new horse and the horse is perfect and they have a lovely time . And I keep buying these wrong horses and things keep going wrong for me.

Perhaps this is why you have been so offended by some of the answers? Because in your head you were thinking that you needed help with being nervous, but what you actually wrote indicated a horse problem.

Not trying to be unkind, but hopefully you can see what I mean when you re-read this.

 

[Boulty]

Not everyone DOES have a great time with their new pony. The Welsh idiot bolted down a road with me not that long after l got him because he nearly fell over spooking at a cow & then had a massive panic attack about it all. He terrified both me & the 2 people I was with whose horses came along for the ride. Was considering how best to throw myself off as I was convinced he was going to end up going down but thankfully he did put his brain back in before it came to that.

He took off with me several more times both out hacking & in the school before I learnt how to catch him before he went as it were (& he learnt not to be petrified of quite so many things). I am not brave & I came very close to selling him a few times as he dealing with this isn't what I'd signed up for. Had he not gone lame I might have gone through with it (but that's another story). It took about 2 years & a lot of support (& a fair few "what am I doing?!" moments) for him to become less prone to trying to disappear at warp speed (he was still spooky but he was Welsh!)

I didn't have a recently healed broken back to contend with though which I'd guess you do need to take into account with regards to how much extra risk there is when you fall off. If it is just a green horse needing some confidence issue then it should improve with time & the horse you fell in love with hasn't gone away. That said there's no shame in selling if you're after a horse who will give you confidence rather than the other way around.

 

[JJS]

How do people deal with their head being a mess and fears and even flashbacks interfering with riding? I've not enjoyed riding him the last couple of days. Nothing to do with my horse, it is my head that is a mess, it is the thought of being out of control that terrifies me.
I seem to be not in a good frame of mind mentally right now- stuff going on at home and at work - so will probably not ride him for a bit as he's so sensitive and I would just make him anxious the way I am right now.

This is a feeling I know all too well. Before I bought my current riding horse, I had a beautiful ISH gelding. He started out as a truly angelic six year old, but his behaviour rapidly deteriorated around a year into owning him. Despite a number of professionals finding nothing amiss, and being encouraged to ride him through it, he was eventually diagnosed with a serious neurological issue. Unfortunately, that diagnosis came after he’d shattered my confidence, which I’d never had any sort of issue with before.

I then had a prolonged period between retiring him and buying Mary, where I didn’t ride at all. While I didn’t realise it at the time, it was the worst thing I could have done, so by the time I brought my new baby cob home, my fears had only worsened.

In all honesty, Mary wasn’t the wisest purchase. Even at the time, I knew I’d be better with a teenaged school mistress, but I already had a pony in his mid-20s and a retired seven year old, so I wanted a horse that had the best possible chance of being sound, low maintenance, and staying in work for the foreseeable. That meant going for something younger. As I keep my horses for life, a stopgap buy wasn’t an option, and I had the added difficulty of a pretty limited budget.

Enter Mary. Being entirely honest with you, it’s only now, four years down the line, that I feel like my confidence is genuinely coming back. We did have the added complication of a foal along the way, but our biggest problem under saddle was the flashbacks. I had some very nasty falls off my gelding pre-diagnosis, and every time Mary reacted in any way, I’d be convinced it was going to escalate and I’d be back to bolting, rearing, bucking, and rodeoing.

The solution has been time and persistence. Mary was always the horse I was going to want in the long-term rather than the horse I needed, but four years on, I know that as much as she’s sparky, sensitive, and switched on, she also takes the most incredible care of me. I’m familiar with what her dramatics look like, and I recognise that even if she’s unhappy or worried, her behaviour will never escalate beyond a certain point. I know that because I know her - it’s as simple as that.

The point of this incredibly long essay, therefore, is this: you need to stop beating yourself up and be patient. If this is the horse you want, keep going, but remember that it’s okay to do so in the smallest baby steps. There were some days when I’d only be able to ride for five minutes before the fear became too much, but as long as I got in the saddle, I saw it as a victory. I now finally feel like I’m getting back to being the rider I was, but there was no easy fix for me - the fear went too deep. However, like you, the problem was always me and never her. I just needed to be kind to myself, and we did get there in the end. If it's what you want, I'm sure that you will too ?

 

[poiuytrewq]

If it makes you feel any better i have an ex racehorse that I am yet to even walk him in an open field? and I have had him for over 5 years now. I am working my self up to it but time is everything.

This is such an intriguing post!
I’m assuming from the laughing smiley and the fact you’ve brought it up you wouldn’t mind me asking about it?

 

[Sossigpoker]

Thank you @JJS and @Boulty it really helps to know I'm not alone with these issues.

 

[paddy555]

Actually I have asked what people recommend for dealing with my trauma and anxiety. .

and people have answered. Get on a quiet steady horse and ride it, ride it, ride it, until you become so bored and fed up with a quiet horse and want to move up to a "better" one.
If there was any instant "mind" cure to change you from your present state to a better place (and many people have been in your position) don't you think people would have told you instantly?
It is a long slog back up from the bottom again. You cannot skip the steps, you have to go through each of them to move further up.

Arthur said they were working them self back up to it, time is everything. A very true statement.

Look at Red's new thread on her new horse. Couldn't you just climb on board and just have fun with that horse? no worry, no panic.

 

[Goldenstar]

You have bought the wrong horse get the pro to sell him and buy a suitable been there and done it type .
If you are nervous you don’t get over accidents riding horses like this one .

 

[Trouper]

You are obviously having to cope with a lot just now - but so is he having just come to a new home. As someone else has said, it takes a good year to get to know a horse and for them to really settle so don't run before you can walk!!! Please, please stop comparing yourself with others - it never helps. A trainer is a trainer for a good reason - they have the skills and experience - otherwise we would not need them.
I often find it helps to try and step outside myself when I am getting too wound up with a problem - in your case I might simply concentrate on how the horse is feeling and "pretend" you are the trainer in charge of the situation and doing everything you can to make the horse feel safe and reassured. I know this is "whistling a happy tune" whilst scared witless sometimes but do try it - it works for me. And don't think you have a problem horse - he is a teenager in a new home trying to work things out - he just needs your help.
I hope life starts to pick up for you soon.

 

[canteron]

You could try the app ‘headspace’ as well - it has a good anxiety section ..... like all things human and horse it’s not instant, but part of the picture.

 

[Upthecreek]

Well it would obviously cost twice what I'm paying now to have a second horse. ?
I'm really not looking to get another horse, I was just sent a video of me riding him today and it looked very nice. The horse isn't the problem, the problem is in my head. Getting another horse won't fix my head so please just leave it.


I've ordered the book recommended above and I'll look for Karl Greenwood's book too.
There's a lady local to here who used to be an international dressage trainer but is now working as a counsellor- I might approach her and ask if she could help me with this issue. Not sure what type of counselling she does.

But riding a calm and relaxed confidence giving horse will “help to fix your head”. You can have as much counselling as you want, but if you continue having bad experiences doing the activity that gives you anxiety I’m not sure it will help you. Nobody can wave a magic wand to give you your riding confidence back. It will take time, patience and many positive experiences to gradually overcome the very serious negative experience you had 9 months ago. Or you may never overcome it and there is no shame in admitting that either. I know people that have given up riding after traumatic experiences because riding wasn’t fun for them anymore. I think that’s something we should all remember; for most of us it’s a (very expensive) hobby. If it doesn’t bring you joy find something that does.

A book I would recommend is Brain Training for Riders by Andrea Monsarrat Waldo.

Finally, nobody is bashing you by making alternative suggestions to what you are currently doing. Of course you can take them or leave them, but people on here have a wealth of experience and knowledge to share.

 

[southerncomfort]

Reading your later posts, I agree with an earlier post suggesting that you may have PTSD. You should really speak to your GP. Or if that's difficult for you, an NLP practitioner would be very helpful for you especially with dealing with flashbacks and the fear they cause.

I actually admire the fact that you want to keep your pony and work on you to be the rider he needs. You already have a trainer who is helping you which is great. Perhaps you could ask your trainer to help you review things with you once a month to see if the situation is improving or not.

I would also suggest regular lessons on a safe riding school horse. Lunge lessons in particular can be extremely useful in helping you deepen your seat which in turn will make you feel much more secure in the saddle and help you deal with any shenanigans from your pony.

I think if you are prepared to put the work in, deal with your mental trauma and general low mood, improve your seat and balance in the saddle, you can make this work.

What I would say is, read the posts on here carefully and try and ignore your initial emotional response to them. I think because you are feeling low you are also understandably feeling a bit defensive. But their are some incredibly experienced people here, and although sometimes the advice isn't what you want to hear, generally their is always something useful and helpful in there.

 

[Pinkvboots]

I haven't but will look it up now .
I was wondering if seeing a sports psychologist might help too?

I have a spare Karl Greenwood book if you would like it would be happy to post it to you, someone might as well benefit from it.

 

[milliepops]

Reading your later posts, I agree with an earlier post suggesting that you may have PTSD. You should really speak to your GP. Or if that's difficult for you, an NLP practitioner would be very helpful for you especially with dealing with flashbacks and the fear they cause.

I actually admire the fact that you want to keep your pony and work on you to be the rider he needs. You already have a trainer who is helping you which is great. Perhaps you could ask your trainer to help you review things with you once a month to see if the situation is improving or not.

I would also suggest regular lessons on a safe riding school horse. Lunge lessons in particular can be extremely useful in helping you deepen your seat which in turn will make you feel much more secure in the saddle and help you deal with any shenanigans from your pony.

I think if you are prepared to put the work in, deal with your mental trauma and general low mood, improve your seat and balance in the saddle, you can make this work.

What I would say is, read the posts on here carefully and try and ignore your initial emotional response to them. I think because you are feeling low you are also understandably feeling a bit defensive. But their are some incredibly experienced people here, and although sometimes the advice isn't what you want to hear, generally their is always something useful and helpful in there.

this is a great post.

I think it's more than just "sell the horse and buy another". when you're in a bad place in your head, like the OP said, getting on a rocking horse is a hurdle. so getting on a 30 year old schoolmaster would also be too much to contemplate.

Confidence is such a funny beast and things that are going on elsewhere in your life can have a huge impact. I have one tricky but predictable horse and one tricky and unpredictable one, I've been having a crap time at work and my mental state has been utterly frazzled. I've found them both hard to deal with and even though one is training towards GP i've felt very down about it all, i felt like I couldn't ride for toffee and it all just got a bit negative. it's very hard to stop stresses elsewhere bleeding into your riding. and couple that with the memory of a horrible accident it's no wonder it's all got a bit much.

so i think seeking some help of some kind is a good move. maybe the fears need to be talked about in a constructive way, and maybe the OP needs to find a way to deal with the other things that are affecting her mental state. In the meantime the pro can tick the horse over and the OP should probably hop on when she's feeling robust and having a good day. Counselling might be the thing, there are also riding specific confidence coaches which some people find helpful. I'd probably suggest giving that a go because they will be well practiced in dealing with people who have had accidents.

it might be that when all that is under control (or controllable) that the young horse's behaviour won't be such a flash point. i know that's true for me.