Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?

[ycbm]

I dont think that the "social pressure" comes from family or friends. I mean theres usually that one relative that makes comments but generally your family and friends know you and should understand and respect your decisions.

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My MiL was a very sweet woman who never put any pressure on us. But one day when she and I were alone, she quietly said to me "if you just get pregnant, he'll make a wonderful father once he gets used to the idea". Once I'd got over my shock that she was telling me to trick her son into parenthood, I explained that it was me who didn't want any, and she never mentioned it again.
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[MrsCentaur]

Me. I've changed my mind. We have five and they are currently all in the throes of chickenpox and OH GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE - TAKE THEM BACK!

No, in all honesty, they are scrumptious little people and I am super glad that we had them. We did it a little differently though, we started at 24 and popped out two sets of twins twenty months apart, followed by our grand finale two years later. Couldn't afford ponies in the nursery years but they are 6, 6, 4, 4 and 2 now, and I'm having a horse vetted today. Mine will be on full livery and between the children, my super intense more-than-full-time job and a partner whom I actually rather love and enjoy spending time with, I don't expect to sleep much! But that's fine - I work hard and play hard, and now that I'm a bit older (32) I'm reaping the rewards of almost killing myself with the intensity of juggling work and many small children a few years ago!

If you're considering children, you should probably think about your expectations regarding their daily life and care - the default expectation seems to be that the woman will be responsible for it, but it doesn't have to be that way. Will one of you give up work and if so, who is more ideally suited to the task/wants the role and whose salary is more easily sacrificed? I can tell you from experience what makes children super enjoyable: having a stay-at-home wife managing their needs and the family's domestic life (so long as you're not the stay-at-home wife in question - unless you want to be that is!). For us, having my partner at home full-time is worth every penny; she somehow manages to keep all of the balls in the air, leaving me time to focus on advancing my career and spending fun time with the children. Our one rule is that we both have a similar amount of leisure time, and it really works for us. I'm looking forward to Covid pissing off so that I can enroll the children in dozens of hobbies in order to be able to spend more time at the stables though!

Anyway, that probably doesn't answer the question, but I need to get back to work now. Good luck!

 

[9tails]

Not for me, thank you. I also don't want a partner though I have at least tried that one. I would really like to not have periods, at 51 I'm still as regular as clockwork. But I also know that the menopause can be worse than having periods. Who would choose to be a woman, eh?

 

[Odyssey]

I've never wanted children, although I had a brief spell, obviously hormonal, in my late 30's when I wondered if I'd regret not having them. Now in my 50's, I don't. Not having brought any more children into this vastly overpopulated planet is something I'm glad of, and probably my best decision. I'm very pessimistic about the future of it too, and I'm also glad that I haven't brought any lives into being to suffer and struggle.

 

[Annagain]

Thank you everybody

All good thoughts and opinions

I haven’t changed my mind about having kids, but I’ve just lost another potential relationship because of it and I’m feeling very lonely and useless

Im not sure why said bloke thought a 42 year old woman was ideal breeding material in the first place but very little that men do makes sense to me anyway

I'm sorry he made you feel that way. If/when you're actively looking to start a new relationship, might it be an idea to look (assuming you're doing the online thing that most people do these days) for someone who already has kids? I appreciate that wouldn't be without its own difficulties and taking on someone else's kids isn't what everyone would want to do but it might help to avoid those men who just want an incubator for their genes?

 

[Rumtytum]

Not for me, thank you. I also don't want a partner though I have at least tried that one. I would really like to not have periods, at 51 I'm still as regular as clockwork. But I also know that the menopause can be worse than having periods. Who would choose to be a woman, eh?

I didn’t want/have children and my periods were like yours, regular as clockwork then one month poof! no period. No mess, no bother, no problems, they just stopped. I know so many women suffer terribly but I am proof it doesn’t always have to be hell. (Had broken sleep after and solved that with HRT).

 

[ILuvCowparsely]

Like 35-45

How did it work out?

Could you still keep and afford your horses?

Not in that category but, no best decision I ever made not to have kids. I am too independent to be tied down for 16 years or more of my life, not one iota of maternal instinct in me. Cancer put an end to it anyway in 2007, removed the lot.

 

[ycbm]

I didn’t want/have children and my periods were like yours, regular as clockwork then one month poof! no period. No mess, no bother, no problems, they just stopped. I know so many women suffer terribly but I am proof it doesn’t always have to be hell. (Had broken sleep after and solved that with HRT).

Me too, my only issues were night sweats and a weird kind of panic just as I was falling off to sleep. Neither lasted the year and I haven't needed HRT.

 

[fidleyspromise]

I decided at age 12 I likely wouldn't have kids but if I did I'd want to be at least 25 so I could have a career etc sorted. I met my partner when I was 18 and he absolutely 100% does not want kids. I've checked in with him every few years but his answer is still the same. I'm now mid 30s and he's nearly 40.
We're happy spoiling our dogs and my horses but it took a good few years for people to stop asking a. when we were having kids and b. telling us that we were missing out on so much and they feel sorry for us.
We have 8 nieces and 4 nephews between our siblings so we have done SO MUCH babysitting in our early-mid 20s and I'm really close to 3 nieces and one nephew so don't feel I'm missing out on anything.

 

[paddy555]

I've been told I'm selfish, .

when I left home with OH (later to become husband) in tow my mother told me not to bother coming back home if I got pregnant. Obviously the social disgrace would have been too much for her.

a few years later having got married the telephone conversations went "have you got anything to tell us"
I was told I was selfish not to produce the grandchild (I was an only child)

I don't care if people have kids. Their choice and I have no interest on it. What I do very much care about though is if you have kids they are yours to look after. Up to you to take responsibility to bring them up well and give them a decent life. Obviously not a problem on here as most mothers to be are already planning the lead rein pony (lucky child) but elsewhere far too many kids lacking good parenting and a decent upbringing.

 

[conniegirl]

Obviously not a problem on here as most mothers to be are already planning the lead rein pony (lucky child) but elsewhere far too many kids lacking good parenting and a decent upbringing.

Im not planning a leadrein pony just yet however my mother is rather overexcited for her first grandchild and IS already looking for one!

 

[{97702}]

Not for me, thank you. I also don't want a partner though I have at least tried that one. I would really like to not have periods, at 51 I'm still as regular as clockwork. But I also know that the menopause can be worse than having periods. Who would choose to be a woman, eh?

Ha ha I have the opposite problem - because I’ve been on hormonal contraception (the pill then the mini pill then the Depo injection) I haven’t had periods since I was in my 20s - now I’m 50, not in a relationship and no desire to ever be in one again but I dare not stop my Depo jabs in case they come back ?

I have no menopause signs whatsoever, my GP has told me to carry on with the injections for anther 2 years then I’ll be safe ?

 

[EventingMum]

Thanks for posting, your experience truly gives me hope!
if you dont mind me asking, is the idea with HRT to taper down the dose at a certain age to ’imitate’ a gentle menopause? What age would that be?
Im not looking forward to natural menopause due to hormone wackiness, and the sudden inevitable slump of barely any hormones, as ive had wacky hormones for so long, its just done me in, and although im mostly accepting of these processes going awry sometimes, when drastic, its time to just cut losses, eg hysterectomy, and artificially mimiking the process. At least then i’ll be able to actually make plans and stick to them, without calling off ill due to cycling symptoms.

I was told I could be on HRT for 20 years and then gradually weaned off it. Sadly I didn't manage that as I took ill after 18 years of HRT and the doctors stopped it immediately - the results were truly horrible, with extreme menopause symptoms straight away.

 

[EventingMum]

Is it ok to only want one though?

Absolutely!, I'm an only child and so is my son. I always thought I'd have two children but it wasn't to be. Often people make comments about only children being spoilt or parents being selfish denying them siblings which IMO is rubbish. Usually, there is more disposable income spent on an only child but I always made sure my son knew how lucky he was to get things and that he was suitably grateful. As for being selfish in not providing siblings - babies don't come on demand for many and it's not always a choice people have. The only time I have really been sad that I don't have siblings is now both my parents are dead and my only cousins are in USA so, apart from my son, I have no close relatives however it's not something I dwell on.

 

[Abi90]

I’ve not long turned 30. I rationally do not want children. If we did, I would have to give up my career (we’re both in the armed forces) and my horses. I’m often on my own and I would effectively be a single mother. We are both very well paid and even then it would be too expensive even without the horse! My friends who have babies have had their lives turned upside down and most now just revolve around their babies.

My husband has a different view, all his male friends have carried on as normal and it’s all rosy, whilst my friends have dealt with post partum depression and their bodies being ruined. We recently visited his friend who has a 9 month old and it totally out him off, he had never actually realised just how much of a tie they are. I do not want to sacrifice my whole life and who I am to have a baby that I’m not that bothered about.

I’ve also had incessant pressure from my husband’s family. From his mum and all 7 of her brothers and their wives. Told I was selfish. Even then cleaner at work told me I was selfish for not wanting a baby after the had finished probing me for when I planned on getting pregnant!

That being said, I do sometimes get pangs of broodiness and it does upset me sometimes that having a child is not really an option for us and it does hurt a little every time friends announce pregnancies but they live with their husband’s permanently and have continuous support of grandparents. I would be alone nearly all of the time

 

[conniegirl]

I will say I’ve never had any pressure on me from family.
My mother has never mentioned children until i brought it up. None of my aunts/cousins/very large but close extended family have ever mentioned it.
My mother in law has only once asked if i were pregnant, it was a family bbq, i had agreed to drive (unusual for us i will admit) so hadn’t had anything alcoholic, then i sat on her sofa and i fell asleep at about 3pm. I can see why she may have been suspicious but she has never pushed or commented other than that.
husbands sole remaining grandmother is a horsey woman and i love hearing the misadventures of her youth (spent riding out race horses and generally getting herself a reputation as a wild woman) she has never asked and she properly told my FIL (her son) off when he declared maybe it was time for me to give horses a break!

 

[CanteringCarrot]

I’ve not long turned 30. I rationally do not want children. If we did, I would have to give up my career (we’re both in the armed forces) and my horses. I’m often on my own and I would effectively be a single mother. We are both very well paid and even then it would be too expensive even without the horse! My friends who have babies have had their lives turned upside down and most now just revolve around their babies.

My husband has a different view, all his male friends have carried on as normal and it’s all rosy, whilst my friends have dealt with post partum depression and their bodies being ruined. We recently visited his friend who has a 9 month old and it totally out him off, he had never actually realised just how much of a tie they are. I do not want to sacrifice my whole life and who I am to have a baby that I’m not that bothered about.

I’ve also had incessant pressure from my husband’s family. From his mum and all 7 of her brothers and their wives. Told I was selfish. Even then cleaner at work told me I was selfish for not wanting a baby after the had finished probing me for when I planned on getting pregnant!

That being said, I do sometimes get pangs of broodiness and it does upset me sometimes that having a child is not really an option for us and it does hurt a little every time friends announce pregnancies but they live with their husband’s permanently and have continuous support of grandparents. I would be alone nearly all of the time

I am literally in the same situation.

Fortunately husband is fine either way.



Both of my parents passed away, one quite young, and my husband's parents are quite older (he is older than me) and live in a location we would never choose to live in. Not that we really have control over where we live anyway.

The reality is if I have a kid, then no horse(s). I just am not ready to give that up.

I am also a neat freak and a kid would really challenge that. I'm also somewhat "rigid" and couldn't deal with a kid and their, erm, spontaneous tendencies. Prior to my current career, I did teach for 2 years, so have some experience with children. I actually did really well with teaching, but it was temporary for me.

Plus I am terrified of giving birth ?

 

[Spotherisk]

Some very sad stories on here, mainly from what (mainly) women are expected or told to do by others.

my father once asked me when he was going to be a grandfather (I was single at the time), I sharply told him if he was desperate for grandchildren he should have had more than one child to have increased the chances, and yes I understand the irony of telling him to have had more kids but it was tit for tat at that point!

fwiw I’ve never had any desire for children, checked that the OH was happy with that (probably on our first date knowing me!) we were mid 30’s when we met. No nieces or nephews either as we’re both only children.

a good comment is something like ‘did you mean to ask me such a deeply personal question which is no concern of yours anyway?’

 

[Muddywellies]

Re the social pressure thing, after we got wed I honestly lost count of the number of times people asked about the '"pitter patter of tiny feet'.
And once I went to a friend's (who's a good 10 yrs older than me) tupperware type of party thing. Everyone there was a mother of varying ages of children. When meeting these people and striking up a conversation, several people asked me if i had children, to which the answer was no. Goood Looooord! Talk about tumbleweed moment. Totally awkward silence! They just didn't know what to say and it was like i was an alien or something. I ended up sitting on my own with my friend trying to chat to me whilst also mingling. It's totally my choice not to have a family, one I'm extremely happy with, but the other women that evening simply didn't 'get' that at all.

 

[milliepops]

When we got married I always said we only planned to have horse babies..
I think MIL would have been the biggest nag in my family but SIL has done her duty so I consider myself permanently off the hook now.

 

[Megan V1]

Never wanted children and cried and cried when I found out I was pregnant at 33 having been married for 12 years. Got used to the idea through the pregnancy and said all the way through I would be returning to work full time. They handed him to me when he was born and the first thing I said to my husband was 'don't expect me to go back to work and leave him'. Never looked back and can honestly say if we had him younger we would have had more. I kept my three horses at home and he just came out the stables with me come rain or shine from the word go. He was put onto a horse the moment he could sit up and stopped the moment he could speak and he just said no he didn't want to ride. He is now 22 he never wanted to ride but always handled the horses and looks after them still when we go away. We now have six horses and he still isn't interested in them but is completely confident around them.

 

[chaps89]

I'm early 30s and don't want nor ever have wanted children.
I broke off a serious relationship in my early 20s as he wanted them 'some day' and I was not prepared to take a chance that hormones may kick in and take over and I'd want them too.
Luckily I met the love of my life a few years later, but that was one of the first things we discussed!
He's happy to have them if I were to change my mind but doesn't actively want them.
No sign yet of me wanting them. I don't think it would be right to have a child/children when I don't actually want one but just because I could.
Plus on an ethical basis neither of us want to contribute to a) over crowded population and b) bring a child up in a world that's going the way this one is. Equally we would both have to make big lifestyle choices and frankly neither of us want to! So it would be a bad idea for us ?
But they make some people happy and I do feel for those that want them that can't have them, I wouldn't judge the other way around.

My dad once told me that when he was my age (at the time I must have been about 26?) He'd been married for a few years, had me and my brother was on the way so what was I hanging around for.
Luckily that was a one time conversation! And both parents and MIL have seemed to accept they won't have human grand babies from us, just furry ones.
My brother on the other hand wants as many as possible and to have a big family. Fair play to him!

 

[nikicb]

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[smolmaus]

I actually find these threads particularly anti children and they generally make me feel uncomfortable for having them.

I am sure it's absolutely nobody's intent to make you feel that way and I'm sorry you do. I do get like, automatically defensive when the topic is brought up to be honest and it sounds like a lot of other people do as well. Even in the year 2020 it feels like putting yourself in a firing line for judgement by not having them sometimes, especially with family, and I suppose I can see how that defensiveness can come off as anti-children when it really isn't intended to be.

I would honestly love to say at this point that I know lots of wonderful children who I love dearly to prove I don't dislike kids but uh, only one of my close friends has them and her boy is a holy terror and I've only met her little girl maybe three times since she was born with lockdown, she seems similar ? both take after their mother!

 

[nikicb]

I am sure it's absolutely nobody's intent to make you feel that way and I'm sorry you do. I do get like, automatically defensive when the topic is brought up to be honest and it sounds like a lot of other people do as well. Even in the year 2020 it feels like putting yourself in a firing line for judgement by not having them sometimes, especially with family, and I suppose I can see how that defensiveness can come off as anti-children when it really isn't intended to be.

I would honestly love to say at this point that I know lots of wonderful children who I love dearly to prove I don't dislike kids but uh, only one of my close friends has them and her boy is a holy terror and I've only met her little girl maybe three times since she was born with lockdown, she seems similar ? both take after their mother!

As you will see I deleted my post, but you quoted one sentence out of several paragraphs slightly out of context so will respond. What I said was that my friendship group is fairly split between people having children and not having children, in fact slightly towards the latter. I am not particularly into babies, but love my own children who are now pretty much grown up. I have been lucky enough to have horses throughout, but part of that was through working when my boys were little, and then we relocated west. I have never been pressured into having children and have many friends without children and have never been ostracised. Sometimes threads on here can seem a bit biased.

ETA I deleted my original post because I realised I just couldn't be bothered to rock the boat. xx

 

[ponynutz]

No but I'm the product of nearly exactly that, or someone who wanted to live her life a bit first. Mum had me at 39 - so perfectly possible! I'm an only child tho

 

[Caol Ila]

I've never wanted children. I'm 37 now, and I feel like it's become a 'now or never' decision, which is sort of terrifying. One of my best friends (a bloke) and his partner just had a baby, and his partner is my age. Myself and friend's partner, who's awesome, had some really good chats about hitting your mid-30s, as a woman, and feeling like you *have* to make that call, whereas in your twenties, you had the space to be pretty blase about it. And men can be more blase because they're not the ones getting pregnant. They decided to go for it because it's something they both wanted. I can't afford a horse and a kid, and I prefer horses. Sometimes, I wonder if there's something wrong with me, but there we are.

But in my twenties, I had three serious relationships end because the guys really wanted kids at some point (apparently horses don't count... who knew?), and given I was so adamant on that point, they didn't see any long term future in the relationships. I was very upset at the time, but it was fair. I'm Facebook friends with one of them, and he has a kid with his current partner now, so....

Lucky for me, my lovely OH also doesn't want kids, although he is pretty keen on the idea of foals if I ever end up with a breed-able mare. My parents are super supportive and realised long ago (probably when I still had Breyers) that grand-horses were as good as it was going to get. OH's parents are divorced, and his mother and step-dad are also happy with whatever we decide to do, but he told me that one of his Dad's major issues with me (other than left wing politics) is that I don't want to give him grandkids and continue the family line. He's obsessed with geneaology, so this is, apparently, a big deal. Not helped by the fact that OH is an only child. OH and I were both bemused that his father was putting all of that on *me* and not OH, who was just as much a part of that decision. The guy's got antideluvian gender roles stuck in his head. What can you do?

 

[milliepops]

Lucky for me, my lovely OH also doesn't want kids, although he is pretty keen on the idea of foals if I ever end up with a breed-able mare. My parents are super supportive and realised long ago (probably when I still had Breyers) that grand-horses were as good as it was going to get.

My parents were like this when i was younger. My dad even said he had no interest in being a grandparent. So I though that was all cool. Then my mother recently started up with the "who will look after you when you're old?" thing.

Perhaps its a reflection of her fear of the aging process, but being on the receiving end of that has definitely made me feel more spiky about the whole thing.

 

[Chiffy]

Only just found this thread, it’s very interesting! I was married young, we both had a horse, kept at home but both worked. Didn’t think about children for a few years. When we did, I hoped it would just happen because I wasn’t sure how keen I was. Ofcourse it didn’t happen and I went down a horrible road of trying to get pregnant before the days of IVF. I hated it and was about to give up when I did get pregnant. I had a perfect daughter. Somehow I fitted in still looking after horses and riding. I only had the one child who has remained my best friend. She now has two fun daughters whose adventures as the Chiffets can be found most days either boring or amusing people on the Morning Thread. So very glad I went through the trauma, I wouldn’t be without them.

 

[Cloball]

My friends have started having kids and I actually love hanging out with them plus kids, but they do seem very together compared to me and they are late 30s.

No one actually asks me if I want kids I actually get the opposite which also, weirdly annoys me, I have been labelled as a 'career' women and everyone falls down in shock when I pick up a child. Which I'm not sure what I've ever done to deserve it.

I have previously broken up with some on because they didn't want children and I thought I might. Not exactly for that reason, but because they repeatedly lied to me about it and other things only for their mother to gleefully tell me later and how it was all fine because I was a 'career girl'.

So I'm just not sure. I am very aware of the economic and ecological factors. I am also the bread winner and can't afford to go part time yet but OH would be quite happy to (which is not something I've ever had in an OH) in a couple of years. I'm also not sure I'm done having adventures. I still feel too neurotic and disorganised for children (I can barely organise myself) and know a little too much about child development. I'm too scared to eff it up.

But I'm also curious and broody and my OH is adorable with frantic toddlers.