brighteyes
Pooh-Bah
Im 35 and currently pregnant with my first. ...
Congratulations!
Im 35 and currently pregnant with my first. ...
I don't care if people want to have children or choose not to have children. I feel desperately sorry for anyone (whatever gender) who wants to have children and cannot have them.
I have no time whatsoever for people with children who make judgement calls about people who don't, or people without children who for some reason think they are eminently superior to people with them. Personal choice, either way.
I think I’ve been quite open and honest on this forum about how I’ve felt since having mine! Also a “happy accident”, but I really wasn’t happy for a long time. Hated pregnancy and was in pain for most of it, hated the invasion of privacy and the way your body is no longer your own, hated the prying questions from people....
I was 32 when I had him. Had bought my long term loan horse just 4 months before I found out I was pregnant, was enjoying a lovely life with OH, had lots of plans, progressing my career after a fairly recent career change... So it was a lot to get my head round, a massive permanent change to our lives. Our son has just turned 2 now and it’s got a lot easier; I do still struggle with the lack of freedom sometimes.
I also have physical issues still from pregnancy (this is quite common) which may remain for life (also quite common - nobody ever tells you that though!). My right hip has been giving me gyp since, it hurts like hell when riding; I’m waiting for x ray results currently. And the mental health issues since having him... I’ve been to some very dark places. Post partum depression/psychosis is another thing that's A LOT more common than you’d think. I’m ok now, and just try not to think about it, it was really quite terrifying. Like a door opened to a part of my mind I didn't know existed. Even though the door is firmly shut and locked now, I know it's there and I still find it terrifying.
I didn’t want children, but when it happened we were faced with a decision and thought we’d go for it. I wouldn’t have planned it; if the contraception failure hadn’t happened we’d still be child free now. I no longer have a horse (lost him in May) and can’t afford to replace him due to childcare and other related child costs; my salary isn’t that high. Plus TIME! I have no time. I've recently taken on a part-loan 3 days per week, and that is really the very limit of what I can do. I need to progress my career - a struggle when you keep having to have time off for this and that, or get ill all the time because you’re so exhausted and run down, and babies bring home every bug known to mankind from nursery and other germ ridden children. So will just have to wait for my own horse again, when I've got more disposable income again. If that ever happens.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, he wants for nothing and I’ve even surprised myself with how intuitively I know what he wants/needs etc. He’s also really quite fun and entertaining now! The things they come out with ? it’s still hard though, a very repetitive, boring (to me - I have friends who LOVE looking after babies and playing etc... I just don’t have it in me!) lifestyle of drudgery really, constantly tidying, cleaning, wiping, changing nappies, cleaning up accidents, fingerprints, crayons, play doh in the carpet, did I mention cleaning?
It has a permanent effect on your body, mind, freedom, finances, house (it’s a mess constantly!), everything really! So if you don’t THINK you want to do it... probably don’t, as it’ll be even more of a shock to the system than for someone who’s always wanted one and loves babies/children ?
OH has now had the snip as we are both like HELL NO that is never happening again! Wish I’d asked them to tie my tubes while I was open for C-section too, to make double sure ? if I were to get pregnant again I wouldn't have it. At this age, our son is just starting to get a bit more independent and fun; the thought of going through all that baby stuff again ? nah, it’s just not for me!
I will never say I wish I hadn’t had him, as he’s absolutely lovely - but if I’d known then what I know now, I don’t think I would have.
I can’t even be bothered to feel guilty about feeling like this any more, the constant parental guilt is exhausting. I don’t think my son can detect that I didn’t really want a baby though, anyway! OH is his favourite parent, purely because when he looks after him he devotes his undivided attention to him, whereas when I look after him, I tend to be getting on with housework/cooking/work at the same time; I expect him to play independently more, whereas OH devises games etc for him. He still just wants his mummy when he's tired or poorly though. We adore him and are raising him to the best of our ability. I hope when he’s older and maybe considering whether he wants children, we can have a grown up conversation about it and I can explain to him. I’d hate for him to have to go through what OH went through when I was struggling mentally; and would like him to know that whilst there are joyful moments, parenting is HARD! We might all be dead by then of course, through another new supervirus or global warming ? I do worry for his future with the way the world is going.
FWIW I don't feel offended by any of the comments on this thread from the not-had-children camp. I think they're all fair comment, if we're really honest with ourselves. However, let's remember that we do need a population to keep the country/world going; if everyone stopped having children altogether we'd be in a mess! We need children and young people in society.
I'm 50, and occasionally am told " it's still not too late" ?. It was too late for me from puberty ?. Never wanted to get married or have kids, never did, absolutely no regrets, and that's from someone with zero family members whatsoever from age 13. Thank feck for living all over the world for 12 years, dogs and horses, all Iever wanted or needed. This planet ran out of natural resources to support the then population of 3.5 billion in 1970. Now it's creeping up towards 8 billion, with all the destruction of what's left of the natural world. I would have adopted if I'd had any strong maternal drive, because to think my own genetic material was so special it must be reproduced, would have been completely narcissistic, when there were and are desperate children in need of love.
That is never going to happen though is it, so really it's a moot point.What happens if everyone decides not to reproduce?
You never wanted children. That does not make people that do narcissistic. It’s interesting how people who have children have expressed the view that it’s fine either way, yet some that don’t have children are quite judgmental about people that have chosen to have them....... it’s wrong due to over population, the planet, the cruel world we live in etc. What happens if everyone decides not to reproduce? That’s not good either. Therefore it’s a good thing we have made different decisions and neither is right or wrong.
That is never going to happen though is it, so really it's a moot point.
I have to say L3H's comments upset me a bit too. Could be that I am 25 weeks pregnant with my very much wanted and planned 2nd child and therefore feeling a bit hormonal and emotional about told I am narcissistic for having chosen to reproduce.
I have to say that I think people who choose to adopt are incredible. I am not sure I could do it. I am not particularly maternal or bothered about other people's children. I don't dislike them, I just wouldn't want to take them home. My own children are a completely different matter. I can't put into words how I strongly I feel about them. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them and haven't regretted my decision for a second (even though I don't have a horse at the moment).
No judgment from me whether you have children or not. Everyone's circumstances are different.
Wow...why would you take things so very personally, when I was referring only to myself? Defensive much? I did not utter any personal insults at all and yours are completely uncalled for. My views were objective, not remotely personal to anyone ! I have no 'hatred' to anyone, take nothing personally, always comment objectively as my ego is not in control, so knee jerk lashing out to objective , factual comments can not possibly be taken personally. I'm still NOT making any personal comments , and always scratch my head at grown adults who take other people's objective comments as a direct attack on them...I actually wish every single life form on this ailing planet love and peace, and despair at what we collectively do to our our home ,and my heart goes out to all the extinct innocent species and those on the verge of extinction due to humans collective behaviour, which has no justification. Personal choice multiplied by 3.5 billion 50 years ago has affected this world probably beyond repair now. To clarify, again, this is not personally aimed at any particular stranger on the net ?. This is scientific evidence. Sources: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...FjANegQIExAB&usg=AOvVaw0CrVVzOK81iIn7ZzYs1AUF , any David Attenborough documentary or interview if easier. PS, unless you've been in a children's home , you'll have no experience of how it feels to desperately need a loving family , yet seeing more and more babies being born to unaware, unempathetic, quite selfish , entitled people regarding this particular issue, who profess to 'love children' ,yet only love their own genetic material. I'd never wish that on any child, ever. There are millions of them, right now, desperate for love yet apparently they are worthless. The mental gymnastics needed to deny them is pure cognitive dissonance. No justification whatsoever. But I'm the one with "hatred" ? That was a personal defence to the personal attack, for clarification. I won't be drawn any further into 'personal opinions' on the net ,poster, or anyone else who somehow reads words that aren't there and makes other people's valid opinions all about them ? . How can adults, parents at that, still not know the basics of never taking anything on the net personally. If I had taken every single comment directed at me since age 18 on my own life decisions not to marry or have kids, I'd have been sectioned, or worse ?There really is no need to be so vile. Is there any particular reason you appear to hold so much hatred for people who have children?
The children who will go on to contribute to the economy of the future, solve the environmental problems caused by the current generation of 40-90 year olds, and ultimately do all the intimate care for those people in their care homes...need I go on?
Again, where did I ever say "all people who have children are narcissistic"?! I was clearly and very specifically refering to my own life choices, nobody else's. The only person we can control is ourselves. Peace.You never wanted children. That does not make people that do narcissistic. It’s interesting how people who have children have expressed the view that it’s fine either way, yet some that don’t have children are quite judgmental about people that have chosen to have them....... it’s wrong due to over population, the planet, the cruel world we live in etc. What happens if everyone decides not to reproduce? That’s not good either. Therefore it’s a good thing we have made different decisions and neither is right or wrong.
Well clearly it didn’t read that way as a lot of people took it as an attack on anyone with thier own blood related children (or planning them) including myself.Again, where did I ever say "all people who have children are narcissistic"?! I was clearly and very specifically refering to my own life choices, nobody else's.
You literally are calling people selfish and are insulting people. Same goes for horse to much horse on the plant people shouldn’t own horse with your logic .Wow...why would you take things so very personally, when I was referring only to myself? Defensive much? I did not utter any personal insults at all and yours are completely uncalled for. My views were objective, not remotely personal to anyone ! I have no 'hatred' to anyone, take nothing personally, always comment objectively as my ego is not in control, so knee jerk lashing out to objective , factual comments can not possibly be taken personally. I'm still NOT making any personal comments , and always scratch my head at grown adults who take other people's objective comments as a direct attack on them...I actually wish every single life form on this ailing planet love and peace, and despair at what we collectively do to our our home ,and my heart goes out to all the extinct innocent species and those on the verge of extinction due to humans collective behaviour, which has no justification. Personal choice multiplied by 3.5 billion 50 years ago has affected this world probably beyond repair now. To clarify, again, this is not personally aimed at any particular stranger on the net ?. This is scientific evidence. Sources: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...FjANegQIExAB&usg=AOvVaw0CrVVzOK81iIn7ZzYs1AUF , any David Attenborough documentary or interview if easier. PS, unless you've been in a children's home , you'll have no experience of how it feels to desperately need a loving family , yet seeing more and more babies being born to unaware, unempathetic, quite selfish , entitled people regarding this particular issue, who profess to 'love children' ,yet only love their own genetic material. I'd never wish that on any child, ever. There are millions of them, right now, desperate for love yet apparently they are worthless. The mental gymnastics needed to deny them is pure cognitive dissonance. No justification whatsoever. But I'm the one with "hatred" ? That was a personal defence to the personal attack, for clarification. I won't be drawn any further into 'personal opinions' on the net ,poster, or anyone else who somehow reads words that aren't there and makes other people's valid opinions all about them ? . How can adults, parents at that, still not know the basics of never taking anything on the net personally. If I had taken every single comment directed at me since age 18 on my own life decisions not to marry or have kids, I'd have been sectioned, or worse ?
Very interested to read this thread...essentially my bf of nearly 7yrs this coming Jan had dropped the bomb on me that despite our incident last year where he failed to tell me the truth out loud, apparently three plus years ago he decided he definitely didn't want children. Thanks so mucb for making my decision for me then. I turned 44 early Dec and even tho I still don't feel old enough to have kids..I always thought I would leave them to the last minute so i could have twins at 42...just like thinking I would be married by 25...30...35..40..I'm really cross with him as despite not being a baby person I would love a 4yr old that I could infect with the horsey and doggy bug. I nearly ended it for a couple of reasons..but his Dad was dying.now he has passed and covid is flaring still..we still need to trash this out. Just really angry with myself for allowing the relationship to be on going when it is lacking in input massively from his side...but I still don't feel old enough and I am another uncertain about the future (world). I always leave things to the last minute and totally devoted to my dogs and animals...but the choice should never have been taken from me. I could leave when I sell the house unless he really bucks his ideas up..or he has till then to man up and grow a pair. Harsh with just losing his Dad..but life isn't fair.that said I don't meet people and have no friends here to do things with or to meet people thru..so it's all a bit hard to know what's best to do.really not keen on sick (phobic) and only maternal so far with animals..but sad to think I will very likely grow old single and alone..that really wasn't the plan.
You know when you adopt they are most definitely your own children and your feelings towards them are just as strong and intense as they are when you give birth. It's a different route but the parent is the person who provides all the daily care, support and love. Biology most definitely helps to bond with a child but day to day care for a child calling you mummy is very powerful.
Wow...why would you take things so very personally, when I was referring only to myself? Defensive much? I did not utter any personal insults at all and yours are completely uncalled for. My views were objective, not remotely personal to anyone ! I have no 'hatred' to anyone, take nothing personally, always comment objectively as my ego is not in control, so knee jerk lashing out to objective , factual comments can not possibly be taken personally. I'm still NOT making any personal comments , and always scratch my head at grown adults who take other people's objective comments as a direct attack on them...I actually wish every single life form on this ailing planet love and peace, and despair at what we collectively do to our our home ,and my heart goes out to all the extinct innocent species and those on the verge of extinction due to humans collective behaviour, which has no justification. Personal choice multiplied by 3.5 billion 50 years ago has affected this world probably beyond repair now. To clarify, again, this is not personally aimed at any particular stranger on the net ?. This is scientific evidence. Sources: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...FjANegQIExAB&usg=AOvVaw0CrVVzOK81iIn7ZzYs1AUF , any David Attenborough documentary or interview if easier. PS, unless you've been in a children's home , you'll have no experience of how it feels to desperately need a loving family , yet seeing more and more babies being born to unaware, unempathetic, quite selfish , entitled people regarding this particular issue, who profess to 'love children' ,yet only love their own genetic material. I'd never wish that on any child, ever. There are millions of them, right now, desperate for love yet apparently they are worthless. The mental gymnastics needed to deny them is pure cognitive dissonance. No justification whatsoever. But I'm the one with "hatred" ? That was a personal defence to the personal attack, for clarification. I won't be drawn any further into 'personal opinions' on the net ,poster, or anyone else who somehow reads words that aren't there and makes other people's valid opinions all about them ? . How can adults, parents at that, still not know the basics of never taking anything on the net personally. If I had taken every single comment directed at me since age 18 on my own life decisions not to marry or have kids, I'd have been sectioned, or worse ?
There are lots of things I never thought would happen....... until 2020.
Like I said, I just find it interesting that those in the ‘no children’ camp feel the need to come up with saving the planet reasons for not having them whilst nobody in the ‘yes children’ camp has felt the need to come up with reasons why you should. It’s a personal decision. I have three children but I would never dream of telling someone that has chosen not to have them that they should because that may not be the right thing for them.
I wholeheartedly agree with CanteringCarrot though that anyone that does choose to have children should be prepared for the commitment and sacrifice required to be the best parent they can be.
I hope you can find a way forward that makes you happy. You deserve honesty at the very least.Very interested to read this thread...essentially my bf of nearly 7yrs this coming Jan had dropped the bomb on me that despite our incident last year where he failed to tell me the truth out loud, apparently three plus years ago he decided he definitely didn't want children. Thanks so mucb for making my decision for me then. I turned 44 early Dec and even tho I still don't feel old enough to have kids..I always thought I would leave them to the last minute so i could have twins at 42...just like thinking I would be married by 25...30...35..40..I'm really cross with him as despite not being a baby person I would love a 4yr old that I could infect with the horsey and doggy bug. I nearly ended it for a couple of reasons..but his Dad was dying.now he has passed and covid is flaring still..we still need to trash this out. Just really angry with myself for allowing the relationship to be on going when it is lacking in input massively from his side...but I still don't feel old enough and I am another uncertain about the future (world). I always leave things to the last minute and totally devoted to my dogs and animals...but the choice should never have been taken from me. I could leave when I sell the house unless he really bucks his ideas up..or he has till then to man up and grow a pair. Harsh with just losing his Dad..but life isn't fair.that said I don't meet people and have no friends here to do things with or to meet people thru..so it's all a bit hard to know what's best to do.really not keen on sick (phobic) and only maternal so far with animals..but sad to think I will very likely grow old single and alone..that really wasn't the plan.
Things I have had said because I don’t have children:
When buying a car, when I asked if I had children getting asked “why not” when I sad no. You would never go up to a pregnant lady and say “what have you done that for” so why is it okay the other way round
Being told I was an awful human and would make a terrible mother by a “friend” when I politely declined to hold her baby but offered to help with the housework instead
Been berated every day for 2 years by the cleaner at work as to why I wasn’t pregnant yet
MiL telling me I was horrifically selfish for not providing her with a grandchild and, more importantly, her father with a great grandchild
Being harassed by all of my husband’s uncles and aunts (all 16 of them) at every family gathering as to “why are you not pregnant yet”
The old “oh you’ll change your mind” from people at work.
A friend getting in a huff because I didn’t want to babysit her children (I would be uncomfortable and tbh was worried about accidentally killing one of them).
“There really is no better feeling, you will regret it” from so many different people
All of this on a pretty much weekly basis from strangers and friends and family alike. I’m sorry but people with children do not have a laissez faire attitude to those that don’t. I have been made to feel like dirt on a show by people because my situation is not ideal for having children. And it’s not because I don’t want them per se but I don’t want to make myself a single mother effectively and have to give up my identity. So every time a friend gets pregnant it hurts a little bit and on top of that you get berated by people constantly as to why you aren’t pregnant/have children already
So maybe that’s why those without kids on here feel like they may need to justify not having them. Because they constantly need to justify it to every other person on the street that asks why not
I think you've completely got the wrong end of the stick here, and I don't think it's necessary to be so insulting to someone who has different opinions to you. She wasn't insulting you, or anyone who has chosen to have children, she was just explaining why she has taken that decision, and I think she deserves an apology from you.And there you again with your dubious eco warrior rant. Just unnecessarily aggressive.
Perhaps because those that don’t want children get chastised and berated and called selfish by family members and complete strangers because they don’t want children? I certainly have. Therefore they feel that they need to justify it in some way?
No one ever makes people who have children justify their decision.
Just food for thought.
I'm not reading this as aggressive. Just an opinion based on facts and science. One that I agree with. I do feel people need to put far more thought into having a family these days, and tbh every person who has posted on here has clearly done that. But you just need to look around your average shopping precinct and you can see many situations where having offspring wasn't quite so well thought through. This thread is so enlightening, and it's intetesting to read so many varying yet valid comments. Its fairly simple in my eyes, if a person is able to offer a child a loving secure home, making sacrifices to do so, putting the child first (without brining up yet another 'entitled' child), and is able to afford it, then of course children in these cases are an absolute blessing. But it's also very important for those who don't wish to reproduce, to be equally respected. Each and every one of us helps the world go round in our own way, so we're all doing an amazing job.And there you again with your dubious eco warrior rant. Just unnecessarily aggressive.
My answer to all these sorts of situations is simply "I don't do children". After the first puzzled stare the penny eventually drops and I find I don't have to trot out any justifications.Things I have had said because I don’t have children:
When buying a car, when I asked if I had children getting asked “why not” when I sad no. You would never go up to a pregnant lady and say “what have you done that for” so why is it okay the other way round
Being told I was an awful human and would make a terrible mother by a “friend” when I politely declined to hold her baby but offered to help with the housework instead
Been berated every day for 2 years by the cleaner at work as to why I wasn’t pregnant yet
MiL telling me I was horrifically selfish for not providing her with a grandchild and, more importantly, her father with a great grandchild
Being harassed by all of my husband’s uncles and aunts (all 16 of them) at every family gathering as to “why are you not pregnant yet”
The old “oh you’ll change your mind” from people at work.
A friend getting in a huff because I didn’t want to babysit her children (I would be uncomfortable and tbh was worried about accidentally killing one of them).
“There really is no better feeling, you will regret it” from so many different people
All of this on a pretty much weekly basis from strangers and friends and family alike. I’m sorry but people with children do not have a laissez faire attitude to those that don’t. I have been made to feel like dirt on a show by people because my situation is not ideal for having children. And it’s not because I don’t want them per se but I don’t want to make myself a single mother effectively and have to give up my identity. So every time a friend gets pregnant it hurts a little bit and on top of that you get berated by people constantly as to why you aren’t pregnant/have children already
So maybe that’s why those without kids on here feel like they may need to justify not having them. Because they constantly need to justify it to every other person on the street that asks why not