brighteyes
Pooh-Bah
Congratulations!
Has anybody had a later life change of mind on having children....?
- Thread starter Frumpoon
- Start date
Congratulations!
brighteyes
Pooh-Bah
Totally this.
brighteyes
Pooh-Bah
Brilliant summary. They ARE worth the effort, but oh boy do you have to be selfless...
Upthecreek
Well-Known Member
You never wanted children. That does not make people that do narcissistic. It’s interesting how people who have children have expressed the view that it’s fine either way, yet some that don’t have children are quite judgmental about people that have chosen to have them....... it’s wrong due to over population, the planet, the cruel world we live in etc. What happens if everyone decides not to reproduce? That’s not good either. Therefore it’s a good thing we have made different decisions and neither is right or wrong.
BeckyFlowers
Well-Known Member
That is never going to happen though is it, so really it's a moot point.
CanteringCarrot
Well-Known Member
It is just that posters reasons for not having children, and that's fine. Everyone has their reasons. You or I may not like their reasons, but that is mostly irrelevant.
I did not see anyone saying, no one at all should reproduce. I think having doubts about the stability and sustainability of this planets future is reasonable. Just as we "need" those that reproduce, we also need those that adopt. I do agree that it is a good thing that we all make different decisions. Everyone doing the same thing in this case, isn't really the best option.
I do get odd vibes sometimes because I don't have children. I do get the feeling that many people who have kids seem to view themselves on a higher level than me. I do feel as though people think that there must be something wrong with me as to why I haven't reproduced. But meh, whatever.
I am a bit sour to the amount of people that carelessly (for lack of a better term) reproduce. I think that comes from few years (before I made a career change) when I taught at an inner city low income area school. I saw some kids in some really rough places/stages in their lives.
I do think if one is going to reproduce they should put some thought into it. I do get that shit happens though.
Upthecreek
Well-Known Member
There are lots of things I never thought would happen....... until 2020.
Like I said, I just find it interesting that those in the ‘no children’ camp feel the need to come up with saving the planet reasons for not having them whilst nobody in the ‘yes children’ camp has felt the need to come up with reasons why you should. It’s a personal decision. I have three children but I would never dream of telling someone that has chosen not to have them that they should because that may not be the right thing for them.
I wholeheartedly agree with CanteringCarrot though that anyone that does choose to have children should be prepared for the commitment and sacrifice required to be the best parent they can be.
Jules111
Well-Known Member
You know when you adopt they are most definitely your own children and your feelings towards them are just as strong and intense as they are when you give birth. It's a different route but the parent is the person who provides all the daily care, support and love. Biology most definitely helps to bond with a child but day to day care for a child calling you mummy is very powerful.
I love my horses dearly and make so many sacrifices to keep them... all that said it doesn't compare to the love I have for my children. Being a parent is incredibly scary and nothing will ever make you feel as vulnerable. If it's not something you want then you must definitely never feel pressured into parenthood.
Pearlsasinger
Up in the clouds
I am child free by choice but am very grateful to all those parents who allowed me to have a successful and enjoyable career teaching their children over the last 40 ish years. The parenting skills of those adults varied wildly from excellent to the complete opposite end of the spectrum to the point that social services had to intervene but I had a great time almost every day that I was in school, working with hundreds of delightful children.
So "Thank you" to all those parents who lent me their children for 5 hours every day I am so glad that you did.
So "Thank you" to all those parents who lent me their children for 5 hours every day I am so glad that you did.
windand rain
Well-Known Member
I have 3 children and 6 grandchildren I love babies and small children but am pretty much a mother bird my kids were pretty much independant by the time they went to secondary school (kicked off the nest but not the branch) could cook, iron shirts and uniforms keep themselves and their space clean We of course worked long hours providing for them, My mum died just after the first was born and had beenvery ill before she died so I had no grandparent support. I did share a nanny with a neighbour as it was cheaper than nursery or childminder. I didnt have a career as such as OH could be moved around and never thought it a reasonable prospect to get a job I enjoyed just to up sticks and leave it (wrong decision) I couldnt have managed what we did without him He allowed me the space to have horses, dogs and the work ethic I needd to keep me sane. He was a perfect partner in everything he did a lot of the housework and cooking (still does) and a big lump of childcare as I worked from 9am to 3pm and from 7pm to midnight almost 7 days a week my free time was not really free as in that I had several ponies and did an open university degree in environmental sciences. I think that is where my insomnia comes from as I used to study and do coursework in tthe middle of the night. I now have two teenage grandchildren and 4 aged between 2 and 4 My OH and I have been together 45 years and now childmind the little ones three or four days most weeks although it has been less during covid we are retired and OAPs and have never been so busy. I never expect and would never want my kids or grandkids to look after either of us in old age. If they choose to look after those that have no children either by choice or misfortune then so be it but none will after me.
I guess what I am saying is it is personal choice as to whether as an individual you have children or not but hate and dgradation of those that do is very misplaced as at some point you may need my childs help to enhance or in my daughters case save your life (she is a mental health nurse) Plenty people cannot have children who desperately want them and my heart goes out to them. Many people choose not to and I have the greatest respect for that choice, others refuse to acknowledge that children are the backbone of everyones future and hate them sometimes quite aggressively
I guess what I am saying is it is personal choice as to whether as an individual you have children or not but hate and dgradation of those that do is very misplaced as at some point you may need my childs help to enhance or in my daughters case save your life (she is a mental health nurse) Plenty people cannot have children who desperately want them and my heart goes out to them. Many people choose not to and I have the greatest respect for that choice, others refuse to acknowledge that children are the backbone of everyones future and hate them sometimes quite aggressively
SaharaS
Well-Known Member
Very interested to read this thread...essentially my bf of nearly 7yrs this coming Jan had dropped the bomb on me that despite our incident last year where he failed to tell me the truth out loud, apparently three plus years ago he decided he definitely didn't want children. Thanks so mucb for making my decision for me then. I turned 44 early Dec and even tho I still don't feel old enough to have kids..I always thought I would leave them to the last minute so i could have twins at 42...just like thinking I would be married by 25...30...35..40..I'm really cross with him as despite not being a baby person I would love a 4yr old that I could infect with the horsey and doggy bug. I nearly ended it for a couple of reasons..but his Dad was dying.now he has passed and covid is flaring still..we still need to trash this out. Just really angry with myself for allowing the relationship to be on going when it is lacking in input massively from his side...but I still don't feel old enough and I am another uncertain about the future (world). I always leave things to the last minute and totally devoted to my dogs and animals...but the choice should never have been taken from me. I could leave when I sell the house unless he really bucks his ideas up..or he has till then to man up and grow a pair. Harsh with just losing his Dad..but life isn't fair.that said I don't meet people and have no friends here to do things with or to meet people thru..so it's all a bit hard to know what's best to do.really not keen on sick (phobic) and only maternal so far with animals..but sad to think I will very likely grow old single and alone..that really wasn't the plan.
Leah3horses
Well-Known Member
Wow...why would you take things so very personally, when I was referring only to myself? Defensive much? I did not utter any personal insults at all and yours are completely uncalled for. My views were objective, not remotely personal to anyone ! I have no 'hatred' to anyone, take nothing personally, always comment objectively as my ego is not in control, so knee jerk lashing out to objective , factual comments can not possibly be taken personally. I'm still NOT making any personal comments , and always scratch my head at grown adults who take other people's objective comments as a direct attack on them...I actually wish every single life form on this ailing planet love and peace, and despair at what we collectively do to our our home ,and my heart goes out to all the extinct innocent species and those on the verge of extinction due to humans collective behaviour, which has no justification. Personal choice multiplied by 3.5 billion 50 years ago has affected this world probably beyond repair now. To clarify, again, this is not personally aimed at any particular stranger on the net ?. This is scientific evidence. Sources: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...FjANegQIExAB&usg=AOvVaw0CrVVzOK81iIn7ZzYs1AUF , any David Attenborough documentary or interview if easier. PS, unless you've been in a children's home , you'll have no experience of how it feels to desperately need a loving family , yet seeing more and more babies being born to unaware, unempathetic, quite selfish , entitled people regarding this particular issue, who profess to 'love children' ,yet only love their own genetic material. I'd never wish that on any child, ever. There are millions of them, right now, desperate for love yet apparently they are worthless. The mental gymnastics needed to deny them is pure cognitive dissonance. No justification whatsoever. But I'm the one with "hatred" ? That was a personal defence to the personal attack, for clarification. I won't be drawn any further into 'personal opinions' on the net ,poster, or anyone else who somehow reads words that aren't there and makes other people's valid opinions all about them ? . How can adults, parents at that, still not know the basics of never taking anything on the net personally. If I had taken every single comment directed at me since age 18 on my own life decisions not to marry or have kids, I'd have been sectioned, or worse ?
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Leah3horses
Well-Known Member
Again, where did I ever say "all people who have children are narcissistic"?! I was clearly and very specifically refering to my own life choices, nobody else's. The only person we can control is ourselves. Peace.
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conniegirl
Well-Known Member
Well clearly it didn’t read that way as a lot of people took it as an attack on anyone with thier own blood related children (or planning them) including myself.
I don’t want to adopt a child, im not even vaguly maternal towards other peoples children, other than not wanting to see them hurt and I don’t think that would be fair on the child. I am however desperate for my own child.
That does not make me selfish. Just as it does not make you selfish that you havnt taken on a child from care youself despite your experience with the system.
shamrock2021
Well-Known Member
You literally are calling people selfish and are insulting people. Same goes for horse to much horse on the plant people shouldn’t own horse with your logic .
Sugarplum Furry
Well-Known Member
I've no constructive comment to make, I just want to say reading what you've written has brought me to the verge of tears, I'm so angry on your behalf. Pregnancy can be hard and wonderful in equal measure, as is bringing up a child, but to have that option taken away from you in such a deceptive way is just so cruel. Sending you a warm hug.
wispagold
Well-Known Member
That is exactly as it should be. I think for me, I have never felt at ease with small children (even though I am the eldest of 4 sisters) and I was massively relying on natural instinct/ hormones kicking in when I had my own child, which it did. I think at lot of people worry about bonding with their child and I would be absolutely terrified if I adopted that I might struggle and that would be so unfair on the child
Which is why I think people with the capacity for that sort of love are incredible. That being said, it is also something I have not really thought about or considered so although I feel like that now if circumstances were different I might come to a totally different place. I'm also someone that waited until I was 30 before having a child as I knew once I made that decision I was prepared for my entire life to change and for my own wants and needs to come 2nd fiddle and I wasn't ready for that sacrifice in my 20s.
Nudibranch
Well-Known Member
And there you again with your dubious eco warrior rant. Just unnecessarily aggressive.
Abi90
Well-Known Member
Perhaps because those that don’t want children get chastised and berated and called selfish by family members and complete strangers because they don’t want children? I certainly have. Therefore they feel that they need to justify it in some way?
No one ever makes people who have children justify their decision.
Just food for thought.
Abi90
Well-Known Member
Things I have had said because I don’t have children:
When buying a car, when I asked if I had children getting asked “why not” when I sad no. You would never go up to a pregnant lady and say “what have you done that for” so why is it okay the other way round
Being told I was an awful human and would make a terrible mother by a “friend” when I politely declined to hold her baby but offered to help with the housework instead
Been berated every day for 2 years by the cleaner at work as to why I wasn’t pregnant yet
MiL telling me I was horrifically selfish for not providing her with a grandchild and, more importantly, her father with a great grandchild
Being harassed by all of my husband’s uncles and aunts (all 16 of them) at every family gathering as to “why are you not pregnant yet”
The old “oh you’ll change your mind” from people at work.
A friend getting in a huff because I didn’t want to babysit her children (I would be uncomfortable and tbh was worried about accidentally killing one of them).
“There really is no better feeling, you will regret it” from so many different people
All of this on a pretty much weekly basis from strangers and friends and family alike. I’m sorry but people with children do not have a laissez faire attitude to those that don’t. I have been made to feel like dirt on a show by people because my situation is not ideal for having children. And it’s not because I don’t want them per se but I don’t want to make myself a single mother effectively and have to give up my identity. So every time a friend gets pregnant it hurts a little bit and on top of that you get berated by people constantly as to why you aren’t pregnant/have children already
So maybe that’s why those without kids on here feel like they may need to justify not having them. Because they constantly need to justify it to every other person on the street that asks why not
When buying a car, when I asked if I had children getting asked “why not” when I sad no. You would never go up to a pregnant lady and say “what have you done that for” so why is it okay the other way round
Being told I was an awful human and would make a terrible mother by a “friend” when I politely declined to hold her baby but offered to help with the housework instead
Been berated every day for 2 years by the cleaner at work as to why I wasn’t pregnant yet
MiL telling me I was horrifically selfish for not providing her with a grandchild and, more importantly, her father with a great grandchild
Being harassed by all of my husband’s uncles and aunts (all 16 of them) at every family gathering as to “why are you not pregnant yet”
The old “oh you’ll change your mind” from people at work.
A friend getting in a huff because I didn’t want to babysit her children (I would be uncomfortable and tbh was worried about accidentally killing one of them).
“There really is no better feeling, you will regret it” from so many different people
All of this on a pretty much weekly basis from strangers and friends and family alike. I’m sorry but people with children do not have a laissez faire attitude to those that don’t. I have been made to feel like dirt on a show by people because my situation is not ideal for having children. And it’s not because I don’t want them per se but I don’t want to make myself a single mother effectively and have to give up my identity. So every time a friend gets pregnant it hurts a little bit and on top of that you get berated by people constantly as to why you aren’t pregnant/have children already
So maybe that’s why those without kids on here feel like they may need to justify not having them. Because they constantly need to justify it to every other person on the street that asks why not
meleeka
Well-Known Member
I hope you can find a way forward that makes you happy. You deserve honesty at the very least.
AUB
Well-Known Member
Regarding the whole don’t-know-how-to-be-a-parent-bonding-worry: I had the same worries, but I think if you’re capable of loving animals and taking care of them, you’d probably be a good parent too. It’s really not that different loving a child than it is a horse (no, I didn’t compare my son to a horse. I just compared the feelings).
But I also think that if you already have that kind of love for someone, horse or child, who’s dependent on you, you won’t feel quite the same pull or yearning to get the other one. And it’s fine by me if people don’t want children, that’s none of my business. I don’t think it’s the purpose of life to have children. Or horses. But I’m very happy to have both!
Anyway, what I’m trying to say: you do you.
(And now that we’ve read about terrible pregnancies and births and how horrible it is the first few years and so on I just want to say that it’s not like that for everyone. I’m still waiting for the hard part...)
But I also think that if you already have that kind of love for someone, horse or child, who’s dependent on you, you won’t feel quite the same pull or yearning to get the other one. And it’s fine by me if people don’t want children, that’s none of my business. I don’t think it’s the purpose of life to have children. Or horses. But I’m very happy to have both!
Anyway, what I’m trying to say: you do you.
(And now that we’ve read about terrible pregnancies and births and how horrible it is the first few years and so on I just want to say that it’s not like that for everyone. I’m still waiting for the hard part...)
Upthecreek
Well-Known Member
Shocking and sad that women (and probably some men too) are still being asked those kind of questions and subjected to pressure like that about having babies in 2020. Awful. Nobody should have to justify their choice to others. Personally if none of my kids have children it would not bother me in the slightest. Because it’s about them & what makes them happy in their adult lives, not about me.
JennBags
HHOSS Wonder Woman
I think you've completely got the wrong end of the stick here, and I don't think it's necessary to be so insulting to someone who has different opinions to you. She wasn't insulting you, or anyone who has chosen to have children, she was just explaining why she has taken that decision, and I think she deserves an apology from you.
When I was younger I think I always assumed I'd have children but when my partner and I got together, we had a great life and decided we didn't want children. I got to my mid 30's, the body clock started ticking and I decided I wanted a child after all, Mr JB was unhappy about being an older father (he is 14 yrs older than me) but went along with it. I got pregnant after about 4 months but miscarried at about 12 weeks. For the time between the pregnancy being confirmed and the miscarriage, Mr JB hardly slept as he was worrying so much about having a child, so once I physically recovered from the miscarriage (it was a terrible experience and I was poorly for a few months) we decided not to try again. On the one hand I'm very relieved as I don't really understand children and my life would have been very different, but on the other I do sometimes wonder if I've missed out on something so life changing and fulfilling. That feeling has got stronger recently as I've just started the menopause so now it's definitely too late, and that's the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone.
Bernster
Well-Known Member
Yes, have to say this resonates with me. It’s been a few years now (am old enough that it’s not a topic anymore!) so I don’t remember many specifics but have had plenty of similar comments over past years about having kids. Don’t think any were meant to be hurtful but they made me feel excluded and different and I felt the social pressure to conform.
Muddywellies
Well-Known Member
I'm not reading this as aggressive. Just an opinion based on facts and science. One that I agree with. I do feel people need to put far more thought into having a family these days, and tbh every person who has posted on here has clearly done that. But you just need to look around your average shopping precinct and you can see many situations where having offspring wasn't quite so well thought through. This thread is so enlightening, and it's intetesting to read so many varying yet valid comments. Its fairly simple in my eyes, if a person is able to offer a child a loving secure home, making sacrifices to do so, putting the child first (without brining up yet another 'entitled' child), and is able to afford it, then of course children in these cases are an absolute blessing. But it's also very important for those who don't wish to reproduce, to be equally respected. Each and every one of us helps the world go round in our own way, so we're all doing an amazing job.
Cloball
Well-Known Member
I for one have actually found this thread helpful for with my internal dilemma/body clock so please don't let it descend into fighting. As women we are constantly told from various places to various degrees what we should or shouldn't be doing particularly with children etc. It's refreshing to hear people talk openly and honestly about their feelings on the matter whether you agree with those reasons or not that is how that person's feels and their very personal often private reasons.
This year has been stressful for me as I feel like I haven't been able to do the things that make me feel like 'me' for various reasons, I've turned 30 and I still haven't bought the horse yet despite being in a better position now. It's really made me think hard about children etc. 5 years ago I was scaling mountains solo, single, skinny dipping at 3am and riding any horse I could find. Now I'm in bed by 9.30 super unfit with a 'proper' job.
I guess I am just feeling very existential ?. I've always felt like I'd want to have family and friends and a community nearby when I started a family and I have none of that at the moment.
I am not averse to adoption or fostering however if I can't conceive naturally. In fact I think I'm getting quite keen on the idea.
My mum was a navy wife and gave up her career to move hundred of miles from her family to effectively be a single mother half the year. I've no idea how she did it! Although I think the other mothers had a strong community and support system.
And now I'm just rambling....any way thank you all for your honesty.
This year has been stressful for me as I feel like I haven't been able to do the things that make me feel like 'me' for various reasons, I've turned 30 and I still haven't bought the horse yet despite being in a better position now. It's really made me think hard about children etc. 5 years ago I was scaling mountains solo, single, skinny dipping at 3am and riding any horse I could find. Now I'm in bed by 9.30 super unfit with a 'proper' job.
I guess I am just feeling very existential ?. I've always felt like I'd want to have family and friends and a community nearby when I started a family and I have none of that at the moment.
I am not averse to adoption or fostering however if I can't conceive naturally. In fact I think I'm getting quite keen on the idea.
My mum was a navy wife and gave up her career to move hundred of miles from her family to effectively be a single mother half the year. I've no idea how she did it! Although I think the other mothers had a strong community and support system.
And now I'm just rambling....any way thank you all for your honesty.
Trouper
Well-Known Member
My answer to all these sorts of situations is simply "I don't do children". After the first puzzled stare the penny eventually drops and I find I don't have to trot out any justifications.
Landcruiser
Well-Known Member
I never liked babies or kids. Discovered I was a natural teacher and so trained as one, ending up as a Primary teacher when I was about 30. Oddly, I really liked some of the kids I taught...but still didn't like babies or tiny kids, and had no interest in having any. Then at 38, and in a very longstanding relationship where we had done lots of travelling etc, we decided that the clock was ticking for both of us, and our feelings had actually changed. Had our daughter when I was 38, and our son (after a series of early miscarriages) at 42. I loved them both from the off - babies, tinies, teens - son is 18 now, funny, interesting, daughter is my best friend and confidant.
Those 2 babies of mine are the only ones I have ever dealt with - I am still horrified by the thought of holding someone's baby, and I still find them oddly disturbing to be around. So weird.
I got my first horse at 48, I guess I'm late to every party!
Those 2 babies of mine are the only ones I have ever dealt with - I am still horrified by the thought of holding someone's baby, and I still find them oddly disturbing to be around. So weird.
I got my first horse at 48, I guess I'm late to every party!
cheekywelshie
Well-Known Member
Came across this old thread and wondered how anyone who couldn’t have kids managed to move on. I had a series of miscarriages in my early 40s and now 46 but still feel very sad about it.
Separately, I miss my parents who live about 150 miles away. My horse is an old boy and he keeps me sane but I think after him I might move closer to my family, rethink my relationship, house the lot. At a bit of a cross roads…
Separately, I miss my parents who live about 150 miles away. My horse is an old boy and he keeps me sane but I think after him I might move closer to my family, rethink my relationship, house the lot. At a bit of a cross roads…